twin_mom

So many of us subliminally think that 1 year is some magic number and everything will be okay if we can just get to it. But our hearts don't work that way, unfortunately. They have their own timelines. You will start having less terrible days, I promise. Just breathe, drink your water, and be kind to yourself. I think it's kinda like parenting - you wish for the day they're out of the <fill in the blank> phase and then one day you realize that the phase is past and you've moved into another without realizing it.... someday, on your timeline, you'll realize that you haven't felt like your heart had been ripped out in awhile, instead you've been feeling something else, that you've moved into a new phase of your grief processing. Hang in there.

I second getting outside help if you aren't already. Parenting is tough on the best days, when we're at our best. The last couple of years have not been the best days and you have not been your best. And your kids haven't been their best either. It's been crappy for everyone for chunks of it probably. But you're taking steps to better days, and they'll see that. Be honest with them, take the fair hits they'll probably deliver, but don't become their punching bag - you did what you thought best for you at the time, what you needed to for survival. Now it's time to transition out of survival mode and back into living mode.

I too call them in-laws and call him my husband. I'm not sure what I will call him if NG and I get married as I personally hate "late", so people will probably just think I'm a polygamist. 😁 I dated a guy who thought it odd that I regularly talk to mil- but I made a promise to DH that I'd watch out for her and see is my kids' grandma. I took his uneasiness as a sign that he wasn't the right one for me (among other flags). NG is fine with any relationship I choose to have with people as long as it's healthy for me as in his mind my mental well-being is his priority not whatever they may need from continuing the relationships.

I read something recently from an older woman's perspective that said something like "we fought for the generations after us to be able to have it all, but we never meant for you to have it all at the same time"... I too walked away from a career and dream position 22 months ago and don't regret it at all. This time of healing and enjoying my kids has been worth it, even though I do miss my career at times and still haven't figured out what I want to be next.

I miss me too. I'm not sure if I'm protecting myself from more hurt, if I feel like life isn't worth the effort because it can all just disappear, if I don't have the emotional energy to invest... or what it is. Sorry, no help here, just commiseration.

I eloped to Jamaica the first time... just the two of us, to this day I'm not sure what I agreed to in our vows, and it was prefect for us. NG would like a wedding. My kids would like a wedding, my sisters regularly ask if I went off and got married without telling them again, and both our boy scouts and my girl scouts think they are all invited to this wedding that isn't even planned yet. But I don't know what I want to do...I figure the last time I knew and it felt right so hopefully that's how this time will work as well - we'll talk about it and something will just feel right.

It makes perfect sense to me and many others I'd wager. I too have a happy chapter 2, but Thanksgiving was always *our* holiday... we'd bake pies and cook, crisis clean the house for company and then get up at 3am to go black Friday shopping. I've avoided being home for Thanksgiving in the five years since his death, but this year the twins have drivers ed so we're home and I just don't think I can do it.

I'm thankful for the resiliency of my kids. They kept me going in the early days and it's wonderful to see the adults they're becoming.

You so aren't alone - DH's ex literally crawled into the open casket during visitation, sobbing hysterically about what was she going to do now. I just ignored her as I'd been living with her dramashit for 13 years. One of my sisters had enough though and asked me if I wanted her to deal with it. 😁 Then a couple months later she wrote me this long letter about how she wanted to be friends as she had no one else to talk to about her grief and how wonderful DH was?! Lady, you made both of our lives a living hell, poisoned the stepdaughters, etc.... I'm not interested in being your friend or having any contact at all with you!

You having his ashes has no bearing on them creating a place to remember your love. It sounds like you don't know yet what you want to do - do not let anyone push you into a decision you're not ready for. If they want to have a memorial and celebrate your beloved with a marker them tell your stepson that they have your blessing to do that but you're not ready to inter/distribute his ashes. One of the best things I did was give my two stepdaughters and my MIL little urns with ashes. (Even though I'm Catholic so it's a big no-no) that way they could do whatever they wanted and I didn't have to be involved in their grief process.

I'm 5 years and 2 months (tomorrow) out - and I'm still afraid to really let my grief out. I'm afraid I won't be able to put the pieces back together again. At first it was that I needed to make sure the kids were okay and I didn't have the bandwidth to do that and really do my grieving. Now I know they're going to be okay and NG encourages me to work through my grief.. I quit my job partly so I could focus on myself for a bit... And while I've let a little seep out I know I still really have a lot to process. But I'm still too afraid. Okay, sorry to hijack your thread with my rambling - but you aren't the only one that needs to be more vulnerable.

1. I just bought and put up a 9 foot dragon Halloween inflatable.... so excited! 2. Daughter was SO EXCITED about the inflatable -I was still outside messing with it when she came up the hill from the bus and her expression was priceless! 3. NG just shook his head over said inflatable and muttered something about our forever home needing a huge flat lawn and more extension cords for my new fetish. ;D

No words of advice, I just want you to know you were heard. It sucks carrying others secrets.

I do think some of us experience delayed grieving. I was so focused on making sure the kids were okay and on my career that I didn't do a lot of grief processing. When I started kicking around the idea of taking some time off work knowing it would give me a chance to work through things my biggest fears were the ability to put myself back together if I fell apart.... and what the impact on my relationship with NG would be- would I still like him on the other side? Would he like me? Would our relationship still meet our needs? We had lots of talks about it. And he was supportive- though more optimistic than me. So my advice - talk to your partner.

I wear his socks more than his shirts- but NG knows its his and is okay with it. Since I don't do it often he'll ask if I'm okay - as it is usual a comfort seeking action - but sometimes it's just that my feet are cold and my thick socks are in the laundry. 😀

I buy on Amazon instead of going to the store for things like birdseed. Online I get just the birdseed, at Home Depot I come out with all kinds of things that caught my eye but I didn't really NEED.

[background- in 16 days it will be 5 years for us. NG has been living with us for 3 years and the only reason we're not married is because I'm too scared to do it, which is a whole other post. My daughter was 9 when her dad died, she's now 14 and entering high school] So my daughter is finishing up her Silver Award for Girl Scouts and getting ready to submit all the paperwork. One of the questions asks how she should be referred to in the paper "daughter of ___". She doesn't know what she should put. I tell her it's her choice, her options are: me or me and the late DH. Or she can even put me and NG. She thinks about it and wants to know if she can put "me and NG and the late DH". I say that I don't think that will fly. She gets a torn look, I tell her that NG won't be upset if she leaves him out, she looks relieved and asks if I'm sure. Then she says she hates "late" because he's not late he's dead. I say they probably really frown on saying "and the previously deceased DH". So she decides she's just my daughter. I hate this. I hate that she has had to even think about whose daughter she is. I hate that it's socially unacceptable to say deceased instead of late. I hate that if she does get her silver award it'll look like she is the child of a single parent and not reflect that she had a wonderful, involved dad and has a great almost-stepdad. I'm thinking maybe I'll encourage her to change it to "me and NG, and the deceased DH"- though that makes it look like DH and I were divorced. What would you encourage your daughter to do? Or what has she done in a similar situation? I'm worried that someone (either at Girl Scouts or the newspaper) would change "deceased" to "late" and that will make my daughter super angry.

I'm 4 1/2 years out, April 21 it will be 5 years since diagnosis, July 10, 5 years from finding out the chemo killed him instead of saved him, August 3 he finally stabilised enough to be sent home to die, August 24 the phonecall from the doctor that it was time to stop the transfusions that were keeping him alive and call hospice, September 1 he died.... Yeah, the memories of those last months are so prevalent even now. But eventually they weren't the first memories i would have, and around year two they started sharing space with other memories that happened previously during those times. It sucks to hear it I know, but you're still in the early days. Give yourself some more time, the sharpness of the memories of your beloved's illness will dull and other memories will become prevalent. I promise.

Spent almost three hours sitting in my car while DD was at a dance dress rehersal- I know, I know, you all wish you too could have your but fall asleep like that!! I did learn that the overhead light in my car and the radio will turn off after about 20 minutes if the car isn't running, which is good to know I guess...

Yeah, people just don't think through their comments sometimes... 🙄

You're always such an inspiration Maureen, and now is no different- showing us that is okay to look forward to the future while still missing them. Know that you have so many of us silently standing behind you cheering you on as you go through the next door in your life!! ❤️

It's hard sometimes.... All you remember are the crappy times, the doctor visits, waiting for test results, watching your beloved leave you bit by bit. But as some time passes, you'll remember more of the times before they were sick and less of the caregiving. I feel it's like childrearing a little- when they're toddlers you live in this world where the child's needs dominate everything, but then at some point you start seeing them as a person and remember the little baby days fondly- if asked a specific question you'll remember how horrible their colic was, for example, but it's not what you remember daily.... For me, it's been like that- daily I remember him, the good and bad times... But if something specific comes up, all the caregiving pieces come flooding back.

We went swimming with the dolphins. He would have loved it.

We did talk about it.... We had lots of time to talk about my future without him, unfortunately in some respects.... But that's another conversation. He knew that I would "hermit"-his word, not mine- for awhile but that there was a 50/50 chance I'd recouple. I think he would be surprised that I didn't hermit longer.

I think it depends on the frequency/content of the conversations. I usually went 2-3 weeks of 1-2 emails a day before meeting. But NG will tell you that I had a rigorous questioning during that time. I didn't mean to- but I did have second dates with every meet but 1, so I guess I did? However, I also had two preteens in the home and a 50+hours a week job outside the home, so it was easier for me to invest in messaging than meeting.