twin_mom

I have finally stepped back from my adult stepdaughters. They have been horrid to me since I started dating their dad- they were teenagers. Over the years I went from "my dad's wife", to "the twins mom", to finally "my stepmom". About a year after his death I was back to "the twins mom", but oddly my ng is "my stepmother's boyfriend"? Anyways, older sd got married on the 4th anniversary of her father's death. I couldn't emotionally deal with that and told her upfront before she was even engaged that I wouldn't be able to go if it was that day....6 months of harassment from both girls, most hurtfully that I was being selfish and what was my problem because their mom's love of her life died and she was okay with the date... Um, she's not the widow, they were separated/divorced for 15+ years... Anyways, ng took my twins to the wedding for me, the next day I finally started taking the steps to protect my emotional well-being and moving forward- I unfriended both girls on Facebook, their primary way to know what was going on in my children's lives. It's been so freeing to not be caught up in their drama, or the drama i would create in my head in reaction to the things they would say/do (for example, younger SD goes on and on to my kids how much she misses them, but never calls/texts them and comes to town and doesn't stop by to see them). I promised DH that I would watch out for his girls, and I will do that. But that doesn't mean sacrificing my happiness for them, and I finally feel empowered to implement that. ETA: I did tell both girls I was done, that they had crossed the line and i wasn't interested in continuing in the same relationship with them before the wedding, so while I'm sure it caught them off guard when I unfriended them, it wasn't completely passive/aggressive. It's been 7 weeks and neither has said anything to me other than sending me friend requests. When I take my twins to meet older sd for dinner, I say hello and goodbye to her and that's it.

While I agree it's on the wife, their reaction does effect you and I would drive myself. It's not worth the possible ramifications. But in full disclosure, I was a software engineer, a female in a male dominated world- while there were a couple of guys I'd drive in the car alone with, for the most part I always drove myself.

Not male and no advice, but I want to commiserate... My son is 13 and for some reason will not shave (ng is trying to work with him for me, he has some sensory issues)... And he has like 6 long black hairs sticking out of his chin that looks like a straggly troll. It looks horrible....

The banjo teacher thinks DS needs to sing while he plays, so he's currently sitting on his bed strumming his two chords and singing "down in the valley" in monotone. DH would have eaten this up!!! Me, I'm counting the minutes till I leave to get his sister.

I went right back to work- he died on Saturday, funeral on Wednesday, and I went into the office on Friday. But... We knew he was dying and my kids are very routine based and their counselor said that it would be best to find our new normal as quickly as possible, so that's what we did. I found work was a great excuse to "take a break"from grieving. Grieving is exhausting and all consuming, and while I was at work I could put it aside and be "me" and do my thing. I also had a great work environment and would go out for walks if I needed some time. Like pretty much everything that has to do with being a widow, everyone is on a different timetable. Do what is right for you.

I think we've all struggled with attendances at weddings... Sometimes you go and it's okay, sometimes you go and have to leave, sometimes you just can't get yourself to go no matter how much you may want to... And it's all okay. *HUG*

I did have that happen. But I had the knight-on-shining-armor, sweeping in to save the widow and her kids more often. They both suck and left me feeling like I had limited value in a relationship....

Crying in your beer sometimes is fine, imo hikermom. I read something awhile so, I think maybe a blog from Gabby Gifford?, that said something like, "it's okay to find ourselves in a rut sometimes, in a pit. And it's okay to hang out there for a bit, bit don't go furnishing it and buying curtains" this was one of my life mottos even before widowhood. So cry in your beer, will commiserate, and when you're ready we'll help pull you back out of the rut.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice. I knew some of you had gone through similar but it helps to actually hear it. And yeah, part of me wanted to pulse check to see how bitchy I really am being. I really don't think there's anything I want in there, and I think I will go with an estate sale guy. It's just a question do i let them go through first, or just let them know when the sale is... It sounds like you guys are split, I think it really covers down to how nice do I want to be about it, which only I can decide. Thanks again!!!

I know many of us feel frustration/anger/"how can this be my life" since becoming widowed- for a myriad of reasons, but the feeling is the same.... It sounds like there are a lot of positives about this place. Does it at washer/dryer hookups so you could look at putting some of the money you are saving on rent towards a set?

Thanks so much for this post, it made me feel better about my son. He was 9 when his dad died, now 13, and he doesn't want to talk about his dad, see pictures, etc, he doesn't get upset but will just walk out of the room... The complete opposite of his sister. I keep hoping that he's okay and is not just going to erupt some day and your boys give me confidence that he's going to be fine!

That's such a beautiful tribute. *hugs*

I think this is just going to be a long rambling vent, so sorry for that upfront but I need to get it off my chest.... DH had been dead for 4 years and 21 days. He had a very large storage unit that is packed full of the debris of his life with first wife (he was divorced) and more than half of it is stuff from his deceased father (dead 25 years, before I even came into the picture) that he and his sister didn't want to deal with when they moved his mother out of her house. I have never been in this storage unit, but I've been paying over $300/month for four years to store shit that's not even mine/ours and it needs to stop. There's some legal issues around me getting access to the unit that I'm finally dealing with, so now I need to go through this and disposition it all. I'm so angry with him for leaving this for me to deal with. For YEARS before he got sick but he was retired I would tell him he needed to deal with the storage unit or when he died I was just going to hand the auctioneer the key and an address to send the check to and he would always be, "you can't do that, there's things with real value in there". It was a standing joke. But it's not a joke anymore, i doubt there's anything in there that will recoup even half what I've paid to store it- I believe it's mostly old tools and no one wants that crap. But his admonishment over the years of this joke had added to my stress of dealing with it and adds to my anger. Added to that, my two adult stepdaughters ... One said before he died that she wanted right of first refusal of anything I got rid of, he agreed to that and I didn't- I'm not asking her permission to throw out his holey socks. But I've tried to make sure that I offer then the things, and last year when I finally started shooting through the things in my house I told them that I would give them anything that I knew came from their parents house (it was a very very confrontational divorce and division of property went on for years) except the artwork ( long story) and their fathers tools- any tools I wasn't keeping I would sell and put the money in the twins'college fund. (Their half brother and sister) younger SD didn't like that, she wanted the tools though she had no place to store them, she thought I should hold onto then for her. I said I wasn't holding on to anything, but fine, I would let them know before getting rid of any big tools. I really was trying to be the better person. Fast forward to this year- both girls have said terrible things about me/to me over my choice to not go to older sd's wedding that she had on the anniversary of her father's death, especially how selfish and self centered i am. (Another really long story) on top of that, older stepdaughter actually t asked my NG if I was trying to erase her dad because I was getting rid of all his things. Um... I know she cannot possibly know how hurtful that was to say, how as widows we struggle with dismantling their lives, but you wanted your dad's stuff, knowing he was a hoarder!?!? So I'm sitting here looking at having to deal with the remnants of DH's first marriage, his father's stuff (who was also a hoarder) and now SIL and niece are also saying that they want some of dead FIL's stuff. REALLY?!?! You didn't want any of it for the last 25 years, it's been in this storage unit for over 10 years, and suddenly I'm expected to inventory everything that's in this unit and make it available to you, storing it until you can find the time to come get it? Or in younger stepdaughters case, until you have a house where you have room for it? And their justification is that I've stored it for this long, what's the difference? If you've stuck with my rambling this long, what would you do? My original plan over a year ago was to go through everything, pull what I wanted and tell them that they could meet me at x date at y time to go through and take what they wanted. But that was before the last 8 months of emotional beatings I took from all 4 of them. So today I texted the 4 of them and said that I heard there was talk of the contents of my storage unit during the wedding (that I didn't go to), what exactly did they want so I can look for it. Niece listed what she wanted of her grandfather's, fine, it's a small list. Stepdaughters say they don't know what's in there, but tell them before i get rid of anything and they'll let me know if they want it. It's a 24x24 ft unit packed full of woodworking and metal working tools, and shelves and shelves of random things leftover from projects/random tools/backups purchased, and then household stuff!!! I really want to say something snarky back like "if you don't know what's in there then I guess you don't need any of it". I'm so tired of going out of my way for those self-centered girls. I have unfriended them on Facebook now, and once I'm through with the storage unit the only interaction I have to have with them is for my kids' sake- but they too are tired of their sisters behaviors. Do I bite the bullet and offer them anything useful, do my original plan of seeing a date for then to go through things and f*ck it if they can't come that day, or tell them if they can't say what they want then they must not want it? I feel like a horrible person at this point, but i can't keep on this path for my own mental well being. I promised him that I would look out for them and make sure they don't end up living in a cardboard box. I didn't promise him that I'd be their enabler/doormat.

I just read the what to do with my rings thread before reading this, which is probably skewing my answer... I haven't had that dream, but I have struggled with how to honor LH when I'm moving forward with NG. For me, I've gone back to wearing my wedding band on my right hand. I had stopped wearing my rings, but about the same time that NG and I got serious, I put my band on my right hand. It reminds me that I'm not forgetting him, he's still so important to my life, but I'm not the one that's dead. NG is fine with me wearing my band, but did express that he is a little uncomfortable with the idea of me wearing my diamond but if that's what I needed he'd work to deal with it.

I've read many opinions on this, with different ways it's been done, but the sum is: you wear them until it's right for you, and then you do what's right for you with them. This is definitely something that's individual on your own timeline.

It sucks for our children that they become the expert on death and grief for their peers, I agree. Big hugs to Sarah, and I hope this doesn't trigger a grief slide for her.

I went through a lot of what you are describing when I became a mom- when they got to about 2ish is when it began- I had done the professional single thing, I was doing the professional working mom (even traveling internationally 30%of the time), but I knew that I wanted something I couldn't define, but something for me outside of kids and working and being a wife, but who has the time/energy? My solution was getting involved with in a twin mom group (I could justify it to myself as it was kids related and helped me to be a better mom, which it did but not for the reasons i would give) and to take up yoga/meditation to give me a chance to be with just myself for a few minutes every day. Your mileage will vary, but I hope you find something that replenishes you.

I'm 42 too, and I'm recoupled to a great guy, with kids at home.... And I too feel like there best days are over. I'm looking forward to the future, the grandkids, empty-nesting with ng... but nothing will come close to the bubbly anticipation of getting married to dh, finding out we were having twins, so many many happy times. I personally think this is okay, it doesn't mean I can't find happiness, just that everything is tinged with the knowledge that it wasn't plan a. Or even b,c,d...

I don't think we get over them in the traditional sense. In a breakup, you usually fall out of love, your heart& mind have a chance to disengage.... But with death you love them and all of a sudden they're not there anymore. Yes, we disengage over time, but it's not the same. My NG knows my kids and I miss DH, that we still love him and wish he was still with us. But we also love NG and are happy he's in our lives. And NG is sad for us, for what we've been through, but he's also happy that he gets to be part of our lives now, that he found us. It's all very complicated and not a "you only can love one person" kind of thing- rather you expand to have room for the added love. I'm so lucky to have found two great guys, to have found unconditional love twice when many never even find it once. I didn't really help, sorry. I would say just be honest with yourself and NG.

My son starts banjo lessons today, his father would have loved that!! I admit that it had crossed my mind dh is whispering in ds's ear on this one...

This is exactly the kind of thing that we understand that the rest of the world probably doesn't.... Congratulations on your shower and getting past yet another bump in the road. *Hugs*

Being a stepmom is hard to begin with, the death of our spouses changes the dynamic yet again.... And it's really sad to see the work that we put into the sowing not come to fruition(I'm sure they'll be moments like this for me with my natural children, but they're still too young so I only see it with the steps). I don't think your being too sensitive and I hope this job works out so she stays where she is.

I'm so so sorry. I don't know if someone at your hospital already told you, but definitely think about contacting Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ they are professional photographers that donate their time and talent for families during this time. She may not ever want to see the pictures, but someday down the road she might want to. They really are wonderful.

I truly believe we have multiple things to grieve- the death of our partner the person, the loss of that very special couple relationship, the loss of the future we were planning on having, and then the ending of the person we were as part of that partnership. It's complicated and I don't think society thinks of it like this, but they are all separate losses and need to be processed.

I always asked the: you can vacation anywhere, where would you go? Because that has no "wrong" answer, but can tell you so much about a person... Other things I asked (NG says I was pretty intense with my questioning but subtle which I deny, but I did hit it off with all the people I met in person, so maybe he's right?) -worst job they ever had and why -best thing about their job now -best thing about their most recent ex/relationship- because let's face it, all relationships have something good at least in the beginning and if he can't say one positive thing about his ex then that's an issue -worst present they ever received -best present they ever gave I think these types of get-to-know-yous can really tell you a lot about the person and if their priorities line up with yours.