twin_mom

I quit my career back in January and still haven't figured out what I want to do next. I haven't done much of anything but decompress. For 7 months. I guess I was wound way more tight than i thought, and most surprising to me- I haven't fallen apart without all the stress... Most days I would have told you that stress was the only thing holding me together. Now I have to admit that it was really holding me back from being the mom and person I want to be. I just have to figure out now what to do with the rest of my life!

With ng, I knew after the second date, and I actually walked out of our third date and said I didn't want to see him anymore because mid-date I got freaked out by hiw much I liked him and how much we clicked. Luckily, he called me on the way home that night and we talked for hours, i think most of it incoherent babble on my part, probably, so here were are 2.5 years later, he would marry me tomorrow if I would agree (but he understands it's just not in my best financial interest to get married and now understand where I'm coming from). With dh, I suspected early on, but was much more cautious. So I think yeah, you can know pretty quick. And I think it's a great sign that you are having such open communication!!

I think we all have certain qualities we're attracted to- why people say we have a "type". I think this is why some people end up in the same bad relationship over and over again, for example, and some people just seem to be "lucky in love".... For me, I want someone who can make me laugh, make me feel safe. And both dh and ng fit that bill.... They have a lot of other things that are similar as well, but are also very different- dh was a pacifist, ng is ex navy. I think for those of us that have had successful relationships, we know what kind of partner we were with and yes, may look for a partner with those qualities. But people who had unsuccessful relationships can hopefully have the personal growth from it and learn what qualities to look for that fit them better moving forward as well, so it's not something unique to widows, imo....

Are you still going to Mexico?

Another vote for bringing it up sooner rather than later- it's not a deal breaker for you, but it's good to know if it's a deal breaker for him. NG and I talked about it pretty early on- within the first couple months- because having a child is a big decision and finding out you're not on the same page is not something you want to happen after you've invested a huge amount of yourself, imo....

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood friend. Addiction sucks and effects so many people, not just the user. And it is surprising to me someone's looking back where i ended up vs where others did, sometimes I really feel "it's by the grace of God I'm xxx and not yyy'.... Which just scares me for my children, because I think we all can look back and see that there were probably less than a half dozen times that if we had made a different choice we would have ended up in such a different place

I traditionally rip the bandaid off a few days before school starts to get them acclimated. However, last year and this year they do a kayak trip with new guy the week before school starts, so he has them adjusted mostly for me.

I don't write his name, just Deceased. Year 2 on one firm I left it blank and they sent it back to me to be filled in. I filled deceased on an activity firm once and it was sent back for lack of parent two phone number?? I am really hoping that person just didn't read the form.....

I slept on my side for months, then one night I was "fuck it" and slept diagonally across both sides. I did this for over a year until ng moved in... Then I had to relearn to sleep on "my side".

It is such a personal decision. For me, took them off about 9 months or. But at 1.5 years I started wearing my wedding band on my right hand and still do now at almost 4 years. Eventually I plan to get the stones from my rings made into a tie tack and pendant for our kids, but I'm a long way from being ready to do that.

I love this so much. My step-daughter is getting married in less than two months, on the day that her father died. I am not going to the wedding- I got through two nieces' weddings last summer. But there's no way that I can get through SD wedding on that day and she only cares about having my kids there to show off how great of a sister she is (my daughter's opinion, not mine!). I wish I could share this letter with her, but alas I think it would fall on deaf ears....

You are so inspirational Maureen. I know, that's the last thing we want to hear- we're inspirational because of xxx part of dealing with widowhood, but I feel like I need to say it anyways. There's a storage unit that I have never been in that I have to start dealing with full of his father's stuff and his stuff from his first marriage... It's been almost 4 years, I can't keep avoiding it but God am I trying!!

You could try hospice for grief counseling- yours may even have a group for children that young (mine does). And it doesn't matter the cause of death, anyone can utilize hospice's grief counseling. Just something to consider- my kids loved seeing their grief counselor and ours has a large play room with all kinds of things...

I have the opposite problem, my 13 year olds lecture me regularly on how I need to just marry ng.... But when ng moved in, I just told them, "ng is going to come live with us". Which didn't go over at all as DD hated him at the time. I told her I understood her feelings, but this is my life too and some day soon she was going to want to hang out with her friends more than me and then move away to college and I wanted to have ng in my life. She swore she'd live with me forever so I wouldn't need ng.... but i stayed firm, laid out clear behavior guidelines, and we dove in. She was furious, but we made sure that my kids still had time with just me and now she's attached to him. So I guess just be honest, don't beat around the bush, and deal with the issues they have head-on. Assure them that you will always love them and their father and protect whatever traditions you have with them that they may depend on (at my house it's the three of us sprawling on the couch watching TV together, ng calls it "dog heaping" and just leaves us to it, recognizing that is the way my kids reconnect with me).

My daughter is 13, she was 9 when he died and 11 when ng and I got serious, so older than your daughter. But ng has kids, including a 19 year old daughter. My daughter adores ng (now, it was a rough start), to the point that she'll sometimes go to him with an issue before she comes to me. And he loves her right back. Does he love her like his bio-girl? No... he remembers being handed bio girl at birth as the best moment of his life. But that doesn't mean that he wouldn't move heaven and earth for my girl and won't develop wonderful memories of her now that they're in each other's lives. He loves her. My daughter is very worried that when his daughter is around he won't love her as much because he has his "real daughter". The three of us have talked about this, and honestly he was devastated when told this because to him, my daughter is a"real daughter", and he told her that if he ever does something to make her think otherwise she needs to tell him. In my opinion, as a step mom to dh's girls and now almost step-mom to ng's kids, it depends on the relationship dynamics of everyone involved as to what kind of relationship a step-parent and child develop. But I do believe that while he'll never be her "dad", he can be a dear father figure.

This is me!! I've tried to put it into words but couldn't, you said it perfectly. Okay, I know that is no help, but you are so not alone!

I talk about him often too, partly for my kids' sake and partly because he was such a huge part of my life like everyone has said. ...New Guy is great about it- he says at times he's upset about it, but the fact is I was with my husband for 15 years and with him only 2- but when we've been together for 15 years if I still talk about the dead guy (how we lovingly refer to DH in our house) more than I talk about him (new guy) it signifies that something is wrong. ;D

It's excellent news that she will "only" need a lumpectomy- I've had two to remove a total of five masses. While it sucks, it is not nearly as bad as it could be. *hug*

To add something else- I've told my kids (they're 13 now as well and he died in 2012) that it's not our job to make sure that others are okay with our grief/life situation, that's on them. It started because my daughter did not want to tell people that he was dead and lied about where he was because she didn't want to upset people (usually adults), we all know the deer-in-the-headlights look we get often. I'm TOTALLY against lying and told her she wasn't responsible for adults' feelings, that she shouldn't be rude/obnoxious about it, but to tell them the truth. I give kudos to the other boy in your situation, because he did say it wasn't something to joke about, and he did have regrets that he (potentially) brought up hurt feelings for your son- that shows some serious self-awareness for a 13 year old. We all know adults that don't have that kind of self-awareness.

It's been 3 years and 8 months and attending their events still sucks- but for different reasons now. When the twins were recognized at a ceremony for their outstanding ACT scores as seventh graders by Duke TIP last week, they didn't miss their dad there because him not being there is their norm- but that's what made me cry. Because it's crap that that's their norm. And I cry because he's missing it and he would be so proud of them.

I'm in the completely opposite situation Mizpah, so I thought I'd share and maybe it will give insight into what he's thinking and is unable to communicate. NG and I live together with my kids. He wants to get married. I don't. It's not that I'm not committed to him, I am- but while I may tell people it's just not in my financial best interest to marry him (and it's not for several reasons) it's really that I just can't fathom getting married again. The thought sends me into a panic attack. I now equate being married to being widowed and I am deathly afraid to go through that again. Even though I KNOW that if something happened to NG I would be devastated, for some reason I think as long as we don't get married, he won't die, and I won't have to be sad again. He's upset that I don't want to get married, it important to him. But being with each other is more important than our legal status to both of us- which I think is where we are different than your situation. He knows that I'm committed to him without the piece of paper (he's a divorcee, not a widower) and it seems that you do not have that confidence in your NG, that he is totally committed to you and your future?