twin_mom

Not something I did today, but this week....i started a new girl scout troop for older girls that will only be activity based, all they'll do is go on adventures. I've been working on this for 18 months and finally had my first meeting with girls this past weekend!

I also did pen and paper. At first I journaled all about his illness, I knew as time went on things would get fuzzy and someday my children or I might want to know more specifics. Then it transitioned into how the kids were doing, how I was doing... The important thing is to find a way that works for you, and use journaling as a way to get out all the things in your head.

1. Went to the movies tonight with dd to see Love, Simon. It was good, but more importantly she was thankful I took her and even said "I know you would rather sit home on the couch tonight and watch a movie, so seriously thank you so much for taking me" 😊 2. The movie was way better than I expected. It does deserve the high score on rotten tomatoes. 3. I think tonight's wintry precipitation is going to finish off the hydrangeas, so I won't feel bad about pulling them out and putting something else in. (I feel like I haven't given them enough of a chance to establish, this will be year three but they keep getting eaten....)

I had a prenup the first time. He came into the marriage established, I had student loan and mortgage debt, but the joke was if we divorced after 10 years and he was retired there was no way I was paying him alimony. 😁 My NG is very adamant that I set everything up in trust for my kids - that my and DH's money is rightfully theirs. I will probably change the house over to go to him, but everything else will go into trust for my children. I feel that if a new partner is upset by that, they're probably not the right guy for me - so I guess that makes me extremely cut- throat.

I thought many times when first dating again that the greatest gift my husband left with me with is the knowledge of unconditional love. What it was to have someone in my corner, their support, the companionship, the compromising through our differences... it's a wonderful gift. The largest curse my husband left me with though? Unconditional love. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, what it takes to make it work long-term.... and some of those early meets/dates it would take 5 minutes to realize the guy didn't have it- which would prevent me from being able to just relax and enjoy the adult company and change of scenery for a bit.

1. My daughter danced amazingly at her recital tonight. 2. I didn't get bummed out at the recital tonight that he's missing it. It only took 5.5 years and 11? shows, constituting over 20 actual performances... I think because he never saw her dance at this level, we never thought she'd stick with it this long. But I could just enjoy watching her dance without the bittersweetness. 3. The boy laid down on the couch last night, put his head in my lap, and fell asleep. 😁 he's 15, I don't remember when he did that last, it was so sweet and made my month!

Mine were a bit older (10) when I started dating, so I didn't need a sitter to go on a dinner date. However, it is tough because there's never "time off" from your kids. Sorry, no real advice except that oud you are dating someone that doesn't understand, then they probably aren't the right person for you.

While it is a normal stage many of us cycle through, since you mentioned antidepressants in a later post - make sure you're on a correct dose/ a med that works for you. While I didn't take antidepressants when I became widowed, I did for my PPD after giving birth to the twins and started feeling very apathetic like you described, cutting my dosage really helped because while I wasn't feeling such severe lows, I wasn't feeling the highs either anymore on the higher dosage.

Fuck my religion co- teacher for high school small groups - my daughter is in our small group and I cut DD off midsentence because she was about to embark on her "God doesn't really care about your inconsequential crap and isn't going to answer your prayers about it" rant (I've heard it dozens of times so it's easy for me to see her getting ready for it) and that wasn't going to be productive for the rest of the group. Later I apologized to my co - teacher and told her why I did it - that Marie was about to go off on that rant, which is a sticking point for her and faith since her father died because so many people prayed that he'd get better and he died anyways... and co - teacher looks me in the eye and says "but that was awhile ago, why is she still upset by it? " I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't even reply. In hindsight there's so many things I wish I had said, but at that moment I was struck speechless. But fuck her for thinking that a 15 year old should no longer have issues with prayer because of her father's death, that she prayed fervently to delay, happened 5 years prior.

I think you cross that bridge just like you said - an open discussion with your daughters, then with your in-laws. Maybe find an alternative date you can spend time with them if you need/ desire to? I'm 5.5 years out, and still see my mother-in-law for holidays, but my kids are only 15. I have to say I'm looking forward to their adulthood so I can cut more ties with the in-laws and stepdaughters.

Every morning I see it on the news, think of you, and I can't believe it's still ongoing!

I was surprised when the news said this morning that you were still striking, I was hoping it really would be resolved by now. 😔 Sorry it's having such a negative effect on you, hopefully it will be settled soon!!

At just over 5 years out, I know exactly what you are saying Mizpah. He's such a part of my everyday life that NG will even ask the kids things like "didn't your dad like that, I remember your mom talking about it?" But I hear what you are saying Maureen, I try to remember DH's dad and repeat stories to my kids, even though I never met him.

Hey Mishka, how did it go? I find that the build-up is worse than the actual day, hopefully that was the case for you.

In the early days, and you are still in the early days, I too wasn't suicidal, I couldn't do that to my kids, but at times I hated their existence because it prevented me from fading away to be with him. You're not alone. You've been through a horrible experience, your world that had finally been righted has been thrown off its axis. You will find your way through this though, one hour at a time in your own time; all of us that are further out are a testament to that. Keep posting, keep reading, keep drinking your water. We're here for you.

Another exciting Saturday night here.... decided to stream The Last Song with daughter, but I didn't know the dad dies! She took it better than me, though she went right up to bed when it was over - but she's also my kid that said one night this week "its 8:05! I can finally go to bed and not be a loser" hm? Two days before that she went to bed at 7:30?! Oh to be 14 again. Anyways, after that good cry I'm not sure if I should go to bed or watch a bang-em-up,shoot-em-up movie.

I hear you. That's an understatement - I'm almost your twin. I'm 5 years 4.5 months out, I quit my career almost two years ago and still am unemployed, and while I haven't remarried, he does live with us... The only advice I have is to not get caught up in the "should haves"- you did what you did for valid reasons at the time and Monday quarterbacking (isn't that the saying? ) isn't going to get you anywhere. Besides, if you're anything like me, the "what should come next?" possibilities are probably more than enough to fill your time, especially with the tween daughter, house, and marriage in the mix. 😀 honestly, I'm now starting to feel free to really look at what I want the rest of my life to look like. And its not as scary as it was the first time around in college as I have so much more knowledge this time around. and while I truly understand just how easily it can all change, I also know to wring every bit of happiness out and worry less about others opinions.

LF, I told NG something similar - we had just started chatting and it was going well, but I had a lot going on with work and the holidays were coming up...so I told him I was sorry, but I didn't want to meet as I was going to take a break from dating. He said "it's just a cup of coffee, not forever". A few days later we did meet at Starbucks - and sat talking for 7 hours. We've been together 4 years - and I think a large reason why is because he gave me that space to sort things out and find my footing. I share this to say - hopefully she does need time to sort her life and she'll be better able to persue a relationship soon because you gave her the space.

Fuck my ADULT sisters who believe everything is a competition- sitting at my uncle's funeral yesterday and my sister says to me "you have to understand, he was my godfather and I spent a lot of time with him". I so wanted to say, "you have to understand, I'm a widow and have some perspective on the whole thing, the only tears I cry are for Aunt L. as she has no idea yet how sad a human heart can get".... But I'm a recovering everything - is -a- competition addict, so I bit my tongue. 😀 And while I'm on the topic, fuck my parents who created an environment where we all feel like we have to compete all the time with everything/ justify everything instead of support each other.

Fuck you sil and stepdaughter that think I shouldn't have any issues bringing NG to Christmas with DH's family (them). Its hard enough for me to attend with the kids, we can't have NG there too, it just messes with my emotional state. Its great that you adore NG and think DH would be happy for me, but honestly I don't really give a shit what you think.

Sitting here in jammies waiting for my daughter to put down her phone and watch tv with me, only to find out she's watching Netflix without me. What's with teenagers these days that they'll sit in the room with the 50 inch tv but still watch on a 4 inch phone?! I would have died for even a 30 inch t.v. growing up.....

Sandi, I'm so glad to hear you're keeping both last names. I think this is what I want to do if I ever go through with marrying, and NG is fine with it, but others have said it's weird.

I went to work right away - he died on Saturday, funeral on Wednesday, back to work on Friday. I needed to find our new normal as quickly as possible for my kids' sake. Like LeadFeather, I was far from fully productive, but it was the right thing for my family, if not for me individuality.

Like you, where to spend Christmas was an ongoing argument for years until I finally put my foot down and said my kids needed to spend Christmas in their own house.... Now we go see MIL the weekend before Christmas. This year NG may go with me for the first time.

My relationships with my sisters is probably the thing that annoyed him the most - I have 5 sisters and don't really speak with 1 as we don't get along, and two others are just casual acquaintances (one didn't even come to his funeral). He only had a single sister so couldn't grasp the dynamics of a large family, he pushed me to be best friends with all of them.