twin_mom

Getting stuck seems to come in waves for me, even after six years. Be kind to yourself, grieving is exhausting work that continues in the background of your life for a really long time. One thing I have found that helps me get unstuck is to indulge what I call "my grief monster".... I try to really listen to myself, find what's consuming my thoughts, and then give it all my attention... Another thing is prioritize the to-do list and try to get one thing a week done.

My husband has been gone for 6.5 years and I still haven't done all the paperwork - for example his name is still on a car, i never closed one of his accounts (long story)- you don't have to do it all at once. Give yourself time and space when you need it.

Don't apologize for the negativity!! It is where you are right now - and this is the one place you can be totally honest about where you are. What happened to the life you had completely sucks - it's totally unfair that our lives were shredded while others get to continue merrily on their chosen paths.

It's heart wrenching to read your words, Bubu.... i remember feeling like that for so long. Then one day on this board I read someone's signature that said something like "I can't have his legacy be that his death destroyed me" (sorry to the owner of this signature for mutilating it!). Those words really hit home for me and were the turning point of me merely existing to making steps to rebuild myself. I hope that at some point you too have something click for you... because you deserve every happiness. We all do.

My heart breaks for you Bluebird.

Silverfish- anything you are feeling with the loss of your love is okay, there is no "normal" contrary to what society tells us. For me, finally being able to miss him was at war with being relieved that the journey of watching him decline into a person I barely recognized.

My NG is like yours. My MIL came to stay with us for Christmas, we brought her to Christmas Eve mass with us and had to walk through the columbarium where DH is; though he died 6 years ago she had never been and she said "Warren is here". NG was pushing her wheelchair and said "yes he is, I'm going to bring you right to him before we go in". I miss DH every day, but God I love NG.

I hear you. I'm 6 years out. I have recoupled- but I'm so afraid of going through that devastation again I can't get married. I'm past the worst of the ptsd- but I have no idea what will happen when the twins graduate in 2 years and go off to college....

Maureen, I always enjoy your rambles.

I think most of us with children will tell you that the quickest thing to bring us to tears is thinking about all the things out kids miss out on now that they have only one living parent. It's not self pity, it's grieving for the future that you thought they -and you - would have. And it sucks when it pops up unexpectedly.

It's 6 years today for me. And while I am in a serious relationship, I too can't find something that catches my interest, ignites that fire. I was actually talking to NG about this last week - that I didn't know if it was an early midlife crisis (I just turned 44),a widow thing, or just a regular funk that people go though. I didn't come up with the cause, but we decided I needed to try to find a new hobby or spend some time with forgotten ones...i may look into belly dancing classes as they're something I've wanted to try but never made the time for. You're not crazy, just at a crossroad. I think pick a direction and see how it goes...

This - the greatest gift my husband have me was unconditional love. But it's also the worst because now I know what that feels like and I don't want to settle for anything less.

There was a baby and he was beautiful. 💗

I hear you. I miss the looks he'd give me that relayed so much, the way he'd tap my neck 🙄, sitting in the dark on the deck just being together....

I don't really have any advice for you but I did want to share what happened with my new guy and daughter. When my daughter was younger than yours, about 10 and a half, I started dating my new guy it was a little over a year out from DH's death. My daughter went crazy ballistic, she'd scream that she wanted nothing to do with him, then she was tearing and crying because she didn't want to share me with him because she already had to share me with her twin, it was just completely crazy. it all came to a head one night when we were at dinner about 8 months into our relationship and he had lived with us for 2 months. She started in with her rude behavior and I snapped at her and said that it was enough, that he was part of our lives now and she didn't have to like him but she could not treat him rudely, I taught her better than that. To which she turns to him and said "well if my dad hadn't died you wouldn't even be here." Which led to my stellar parenting moment -not - where I said to her while crying ugly tears "well your dad is dead and he's not coming back and we're not dead and Jim's not dead and that's it I don't want to hear any more about." NG and son excused themselves from the table at that point to take a walk. 😂 DD and I "talked"for a bit more that night, where she dug in more, saying she'd never like him and he'd never be her dad and me saying he didn't want to be her dad, she already had a great dad....because it turned out that was the crux of it all - she didn't want him around because she didn't want to forget her dad and having someone fill that role in our lives in her mind was a step toward forgetting him. My point is - there's a good chance that your daughter's behavior has nothing to do with him as a person, but the idea of him - maybe about replacing her dad, maybe the change in the home structure, or at 16 maybe it's "my mom is having sex" ick- factor. (I did also face the "we're the only kids whose mom has a boyfriend" embarrassment with mine....) Good luck. It's really hard to balance your kids' needs and desires with your needs and desires. And now at 4.5 years into our relationship, NG and my kids are great - the three them tease me that if we broke up he's taking custody of them and I can keep his dog. 🙄

Somehow early in this came up with NG and my kids - what to do with me, probably because we pass DH on the way into church every Sunday since he's interred in the columbarium there. NG said that when I die he's having me cremated and then he's putting me in with DH, hitting the granite stone and saying "tag you're it, she's your problem now!". I'm not sure the kids really understood at the time what he was saying but now it's a standing joke. Seriously though, NG wants to be spread in the ocean and is perfectly okay with putting me in with DH.

Vent away, we all have the family member like that.

I quit my career at 3.5 years, partly to finally have the space to really grieve/ process all my life changes. I think many of us with children "keep it together for the children" and in the process delay our own grieving.

I'm sorry to hear about your youngest. Hopefully this summer will give him a chance to get straightened out and go back to school stronger than ever.

This sucks for both of you. I'm sorry. yes, you'll get through this and she'll learn what she needs to learn to be able to live with it. And she'll go on to have a full and happy and active life. But it still sucks right here today.

All of you who just hit 6 years have been such beacons for me. I hit 6 years Sept 1, all of you were that little bit ahead of me, posting away when I was just lurking at first, trying to figure out what it all meant and what the next steps should be. Thank you. Thank you for being there with your pain, trials, your lives.... I know I'm not the only one you've kept going during the dark times.

I thought like T2B that you had found a new life partner and was so excited for you!

LF, I'm so sorry it isn't going to work out. That so sucks and always made me feel loss of DH more sharply for a bit. But take a breath, dust yourself off, and try again. She's out there looking for you.

It's that time of the week again! Went to the movies with twins and now hanging out on the couch with the dog. I'm not really sure how this became my life, but honestly I'm okay with it.

About 9 months in is when it started sinking in to me that this was my life now, no one was going to come in and make it all better but me. And the realization of that was exhausting- that it wasn't enough that I had kept the kids alive and myself functioning, which took everything I had, that the next step was to actually start resurrecting our lives for the long haul. On top of that, society (ie friends and family) starts thinking we should be "over it" about this time. You're normal. Grieving is exhausting. Parenting is exhausting. Putting up a false face is exhausting. Building a life is exhausting. You're doing all simultaneously. Be kind to yourself. Decide your priorities and commit to them and say no to everything else for the next little bit. Easier said than done, I know. But worth it in the short term.