twin_mom

Mine are not interested in marking the date- they're 14. The first year, they were 10 and were like, hey didn't dad die around this time? I thought this was a good sign that I wasn't letting my distress overflow too much. We instead mark his birthday. Alone, I mark his diagnosis day, the day we knew the chemo killed him, the day he came home from the hospital because they couldn't do anything else for him, the day he went on hospice, the day he stopped communicating, the day he died.... Yeah, I'm a lot of fun the whole month of August, let me tell you.

After having mine off for awhile, I started wearing my band on my right hand. It's a diamond band, so many think it's just a ring though family/friends, including NG, know it's my wedding band.

Against my faith, I did have hubbie seperated- most of his ashes are interred at church (they don't know I separated him) but I did have some put in small urns for the kids, which are currently in a drawer in my bedroom. I don't know if they'll want them- they were 9 when he died, 14 now- but they know they are there when they are ready. I personally didn't need to have his ashes with me, I found comfort in other things.

So happy for you, I hope it continues!!

My thought when something came up with my kids that impacted a meet/date early on- I have kids. They are a huge part of my life and dealing with that is part of the package; if a guy reacted poorly then I knew it wasn't going to work out long-term anyways. For example: one guy I was chatting with was good. Our meet went well. Some time between our meet and our second date, while we were texting I said something like "we decided to not have real dinner tonight and just eat cereal on the couch" he jumped ALL over me, grilling me about who I was with?! I was like, "um... The short people I live with?" -though we had a second date, I knew at that point he wasn't the one for me. Conversely, I was late to my meet with NG- I texted him that I was going to be about 5 minutes late, but it was closer to 15 by the time I got there. The first thing he said after introductions: "I'm sorry, I should have suggested 7:30 or 8 instead so you'd have more time to get home from work and see your kids before coming out". -i knew then that he got it.. not only did he recognize that I did indeed live with short people, but that their very existence was going to impact any relationship that I had.

Happy days suck, he should be here for them, would immerse himself fully in their successes...

Mine were 9 when he died, we're 4.5 years out and they're great, typical 14 year olds who will pat my back while rolling their eyes if they catch me crying these days. You'll all come through this.

I hear you. Like you, I'm recoupled and he's great. But I'm grieving the relationship I used to have, I find myself again picking up the phone to call DH to tell him something, 4 years, 5 months, and 14 days out... It's like my brain suddenly thinks he's just moved away and I need to call him to fill him in on the kids lives, my life, to get his opinion on things.

His 10 year chip, that's awesome!

I hear you!! DH was older than me and retired, so he was there I've to do all the school stuff while I worked on my career, complete with international travel every month. Last year I quit my job to stay home, and the comments I've heard are crazy... And it throws my kids off that I'm the one there instead of him, even now at 4 years out.

Happy milestones can be the worst for triggering the waterworks...

It's not in your possession, it IS your possession. He left it to you, and therefore it is now yours. I keep having to remind myself of this as I continue to go through DH's things (after 4 years)... These things are now mine and I can dispose or keep them as I see for without justification to anyone else (in my case, his adult daughters).

That's a great video! I really love the book the scar. So much that I bought a copy for the grief counselors at hospice and several of them have since bought their personal copies. Mine were 9 when he died, but I heard off and on since questions about him coming back. They'll be 14 in a couple of weeks and she asked this past October.... They know he can't, but I think just like us wishing they could, our children look for ways they could...

I think you need to talk to a custody attorney in your state to determine who is your SS's legal guardian at this point. It's not just who he lives with, but who gets to make medical decisions, who receives the social security checks, etc- ie a lot of legal things to close on. My stepdaughters are adults, but it's been tough over the last 4 years since dh's death to maintain the relationship between then and my children (who were 9 when he died). Now at 13 the older girls communicate directly with the twins, but they don't have any where as close a relationship as they would if he hadn't died. And that's okay, they're toxic and always have been....

That's a great article solo act.

I hear you too. If I sit and think about it, I miss him... But there are days when I don't consciously think about him. Even finally going through the rest of his stuff I'm detached, it's just stuff to decide what to do with- I'm not even angry anymore that he left this storage unit of his days life and the dregs of his previous marriage for me to deal with.

Besides getting cats so you can be the crazy cat lady with cats? Sorry, I couldn't resist, in in a silly mood today. Seriously, I'm not sure I could wait 8 months of chatting to meet the other person, but I'm all for waiting several weeks. I only met 5 people- the 5th was ng, we had been chatting about a month. Two of the other 4 I dated for a couple of months, 1 was a complete weirdo, and the other I think was married- I thought that before meeting and meeting cemented it. So I believe in taking it slow. I have friends that are all about a few emails then meet in person because then you don't waste time if there's no physical spark... To each their own. I'm sorry, I don't really have any serious suggestions- just hang in there though. Your next chapter is waiting for you, you just need to find the first couple of lines and it will flow from there.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. And on the really bad days it's one moment at a time..... That's how you get through this. Give yourself time and drink plenty of water. Right now you're in the thick of it and feel like this is the way your life will always be, but all of us here are here to help pull you through it.

Oh my, my heart just broke for you reading this post. It's so hard when something we don't even realize is a "constant" changes from under us. Yes, things change and life goes on, but that doesn't mean it can't knock us for a loop. Big hugs to you.

How exciting, congratulations!!

I actually like Clifford, I remember reading him when I was little. But the commentary from the boy about how he thinks they're really talking about accepting your druggie friends was something I wasn't up to examining too closely tonight. And then the girl was sitting on the other side of me upset because Emily Elizabeth says it's a full moon 'that's clearly a waxing crescent, not a full moon. What are they teaching kids?!' it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not say "um... When did you become the moon police you geeky science girl??" I did say, are you sure it's waxing and not waning, which earned me an eye roll.

You can collect as a surviving a spouse then switch to yours at your retirement age, they are independent of each other. Now, whether to take yours early or at full retirement age is all a numbers game...

I think I get the fun award tonight- my 13 year old twins decided they wanted to watch Clifford the big red dog, complete with ongoing commentary critiquing it and questioning why I let them watch it when they were little. Then the girl went to bed and the boy is playing his banjo for me and singing in monotone, asking me if he's staying in key. I lied.

I get it too. I miss him and love him and wish he was here... But I love the life I'm building now, doing things I would never do if he was still here.

That's so awesome, both of your ng's sounds like keepers!