arneal

Thanks trying2; I was just reading a post over on the online dating thread about oversharing. I think LH and I overshared the whole time we were together ;D I think of him, I see his photo (a small one near a small one of my dad who is also deceased), and every now and again I imagine what he would say about a certain thing but I don't feel the urge to share with him anymore ... my stepdaughter had a keepsake urn necklace/pin made for me after LH died. It's in my drawer. I've worn it maybe twice. Stepdaughter will sometimes talk about her dad during the brief conversations we have these days but I try to steer the conversation in other directions. I don't want to diminish her feelings but don't want to give the impression that I'm in the same place as she is with missing him and so on. Of course I do, but it's changed. I think it changed when he got so sick. Plus I have moved forward and don't feel like I need to discuss that with her. But I digress. Instead of writing to NG, I have conversations in my head, imagining what I would say and how. Practicing before the opportunity arises to actually have the conversation Will keep you all updated as things press on!

Thanks, trying2. I came up with an alternate plan, which has an A and B option (lol -- that's what happens when you do research for a living ...). I was asking my brother (not blood, but close enough to be) about the whole thing. He is an introvert, as am I, and as NG is. Like I said to bro -- put two introverts together and what happens? Nobody does anything for fear of getting it wrong or saying the wrong thing and messing everything up. ;D So here is the plan and my thoughts behind it all: Plan A: I have a Groupon to go to the wolf preserve this coming Saturday. I tried to get in this weekend but with it being Mother's Day, they didn't call me back because they were probably packed out. I called and left them a message again today to try and get a reservation, so we'll see. I had mentioned it and he was game and when I said I was trying this weekend, he offered to take his bike up. So I think that's a go. Plan B: if I don't get the call back for this coming weekend, I grabbed a Groupon for what looks like a nice steakhouse place. Don't know if there is anything interesting going on anywhere but a good meal, a glass of wine, and good conversation is usually not a bad thing. I figure whatever I do I can call it a celebration for the first year. I doubt he remembers the exact date so it can be like a casual toast or something. I also figure that way we can recognize it, he can take his time away (which I think he needs ... the job has been stressful, he and his daughter just moved, and there are a few other things), and life goes on. I tend not to be particularly mushy about these sorts of things but dating (and dating him) is such a new experience for me. I am trying to create a new life, one that will make me happy and bring happiness to those around me. It's more important that it gets recognized in some way, but I can't say exactly why. I never marked time like that with LH. Interesting you mention your NG taking notes; I have a keepsake book, sort of like a diary. I have movie ticket stubs in it and all sorts of things to mark different dates we've gone on. Don't know that I'd ever show it to him though!

Howdy all! Hoping your weekend is going well. I'm here to deliver the junior high moments for today I love finding things to do on the cheap so Groupon and LivingSocial are two of my favorite sites. I tried to set up something for this weekend but it didn't happen as it was one of those excursions you have to make a reservation for ahead of time and with it being Mother's Day weekend, they were probably full. So before not being able to go, I had asked NG if he wanted to go with. He asked what it was all about, etc. etc. He then says he was planning to come my way early on Saturday if I didn't have plans. I volunteer in the morning so he said he was thinking early afternoon (usually we get together for an evening movie or dinner -- I tend to work in the early part of the day and he does stuff he can't do during the week because of work). First junior high moment -- I was thrilled at spending pretty much the whole day together Despite not getting to use the Groupon, we had a good day. At one point we were talking about his bike and he mentioned that he might take a ride up north (where he's from) on Memorial weekend. Mind you, Memorial Monday marks a year that we've been seeing each other. We just kept talking while my brain was going a mile a minute. I was back and forth with myself, trying to decide if I should say something, if I should let it pass without mention, or what. He comes from a family that didn't make over him much ... would do big parties for his brothers at birthdays but ignore his, stuff like that. So as they say, I bit the bullet. This morning while we were just chilling before getting some coffee, I said, 'Hey! It's May!' He answered with something like, 'Yep, it's actually been for about 14 days now.' I came back with, 'But it's May, which means it's about a year since we first went out -- how time flies, huh?' He was like, 'Is that right?' and we went on with other conversations. I feel like I'm off the hook by having a casual conversation about it because at the end of last month, I was trying to figure out how to plan something to commemorate it. I am so not a mushy person when it comes to stuff like that -- I'm not good at it, coming from a family that wasn't really into big displays too (since my dad's been gone, my mom has gotten more into celebrating everything with flair though, so maybe she's rubbing off on me lol). I put it out there and so there it is. If he goes up north that weekend, I will see if I can hang out with some friends somewhere. Since I didn't say specifically what day, chances of us actually doing something to mark the year is slim. And I am actually good with that. Growth can be strange Happy Mother's Day, ladies -- as our assistant pastor said in service today, even if you have not given birth to any babies yourself, you have influenced others and for that have been in a mother's shoes as well!

jgib -- I agree, which is why I also thought the 'cautiously optimistic' stance was a good one The first husband was abusive and I saw the signs within the first few times I went out with him. However, I was young, stupid, and idealistic. I became hyper-aware and paid close attention when I met my second husband. If he got angry or upset, there was an obvious reason. It was out of character and never directed at me. When we talked about it the first time I saw him a bit upset (because he was always a very even tempered man), he talked about having had issues with anger in the past. He never talked things out then, just reacted instead. Over the 16 years we were together, we never argued or had any sort of fight. That is the sort of relationship I came to value and believe in so I do watch NGs reactions quite closely out of caution for my own well-being.

It's funny, trying2; I had no qualms about running him to the airport last year. What made me laugh about it was that he stayed with me like two days before he had to leave ... showered here, used my towel and hairbrush like it was nothing. Cracked me up how comfy he got. I go to his place on New Year's and worry about using his towel to dry my hands. Again, so junior high Oh! And to all who care for children or have them, happy Mother's Day weekend!

Fabulous, klim! It does feel weird to ask for help sometimes but I think it's good when we do -- in your case, definitely! I had to laugh about asking NG to take me to the airport last week. He was in the midst of his move and all so I felt bad about it; I told him I would text him around 9am to confirm ... I puttered around and when I got out of the shower at 9:15 he had already texted me to say he was leaving his house in like 10 minutes. On the return, I knew it would be rush hour, so I felt bad again about asking him to come get me after a long day's work. I texted on Thursday to confirm he was still good to pick me up and he came back right away to say yes. I had settled in to get some work done on Friday before my return flight and he texted me to ask what time I was due in and what airline; I told him and said I'd text when we were on the ground. He was there and waiting for me when the plane landed. I felt pretty okay about asking, even though I had backup arrangements if needed so I wouldn't sound desperate (including driving myself and using a Groupon for parking, asking one of the folks in the area that drives for Lyft, and my neighbor friend who said she would take me and/or pick me up) lol.

trying2 -- so glad you had the conversation and love that you are cautiously optimistic! Personality is a weird thing. I shared last year sometime that I don't believe in astrology but from a psychological perspective (my masters is in counseling education) I am fascinated by personality traits and how they sometimes align with the star chart NG is a Cancer and I can totally see many of those traits, even though he has said he thinks it's simple to see whatever traits you want when reading such. There are things that he might say or do that make me take a deep breath; for example, the charts say that when a Cancer is hurt, he or she will dwell and stew on it and can be vindictive. I can see that. However, the chart also says they do it because under that hard shell (Cancer the crab) they are very tender-hearted. I see that too. What I've noticed over the last few months is that he will ask questions about the things that pain him more than he did when we first met. I think he takes all advice and chews on it, rather than responding to each piece with agreement or disagreement. It's interesting to watch. The biggest issue for him is when he feels disrespected, which in my readings about dating and how to build relationships is sometimes a huge issue. You mention that your NG said he is protective -- that's a big deal as well from what I read. Some men are that way and how they express it might come across as 'caveman-ish' but they don't mean harm to you or yours. Hopefully that's all it is and you all can move forward because he will be mindful of how he expresses that side of himself!

Hi all: found this interesting article. Thoughts? http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2016/10/12-reasons-why-old-souls-have-such-a-hard-time-finding-love/

Ha! Thanks, MrsDan -- totally didn't follow directions on the numbering and revised mine to match the instructions LOL! Yes, life is too short. I too only see NG typically once per week, maybe twice. Try to get as much close time as possible

trying2breathe -- having had an abusive situation with the first marriage, my radar went up first on your post. But taking a step back, I would be inclined to have a conversation if you've never seen this behavior in any other public situation. Some people do not do well in crowds; does he seem uncomfortable, like in the mall or a crowded restaurant or bar? Or do you and he mostly spend time alone so you wouldn't see how he is with others? Might he have been having a bad day? Nonetheless, if he is looking to be exclusive, I would not let him off the hook by not talking about it, even if you aren't interested fully in being exclusive with him. One of the things the dating advice shares is that when we are trying to build relationship, not calling foul on crappy behavior gets us less respect from the one who's acting up. If you aren't sure about his behavior, go to a restaurant and make that your time together; don't go back home with him or have him back to your place. Talk over dinner. Bring it up as casual -- "Hey, I wanted to ask you about something I noticed. It seemed that something was going on when we were at the concert the other night." See what he says. If he seems oblivious: "Frankly, you were nasty -- yelling at the people around us. I didn't get it. The place was crowded and we were all crammed in there. I couldn't figure out why you were so mad. I haven't seen that side of you and honestly didn't like it much because [say why it made you uncomfortable]." And leave it there. Make sure you have $ to pay for your meal and transportation home and if you don't like the answer, roll on out.

I like that, Trying. He seems to get sensitive about things of the heart being made verbal I think I can sneak it in somewhere along the way this week.

Hey guys and dolls -- advice needed! So NG shared a story from his past in a moment of complete openness and vulnerability this morning. Something had happened that sparked the memory and I believe he needed validation. I replied in a way at the time that I felt was compassionate and empathetic, but am feeling now that I need to follow up at some point. If not today, maybe later in the week. I want to show support, to let him know that this is a safe space and that I hold what he says with respect and in confidence. My question then is this: would saying something (even without mentioning the story) seem appropriate? I'm thinking a short text just to show I genuinely care about his overall well-being? I welcome your thoughts here.

I have to agree with Mike and others here about the communication issue; however, it goes beyond the male - female dynamic. If your current husband has never been widowed, he would not have access to this 'communication style' about funerals. Not to say that those who have never walked this path cannot feel empathy about it. It's just ... different. No harm, no foul, but worthy of a deeper conversation perhaps. I dare say that an unspoken assumption about this club is that we are sensitive about the notion of funerals for people, even if we don't know them ... that we will be whisked back to our own spousal loss straight away. I've had friends feel like they couldn't tell me that someone died. We all deal differently, right? Like hachi, I tend to be blunt (probably the Jersey in me LOL) and I say, "I can take it -- I've been widowed twice." Needless to say, the conversation changes and folks are no longer afraid to tell me and realize I might be able to bring a different level of encouragement to those who have lost their loved one than some others.

tybec -- your post just brought tears to me. I am over the moon happy for you. If I could have given your post 100 hearts I would have. I was just on a post from a newbie here. She was asking about when is too soon to date. And then I come here and read your post. I just said goodbye to NG about 20 minutes ago as he left my house. The world is so different for all of us, isn't it? Moment by moment, the changes add up and we move forward down the path of time. I pray for joy, love, and happiness for us all ...

Mishka -- sorry for your loss; know that you have come to a very special place. I am grateful for it and encourage you to participate as feel led. As others have said, it is a very personal decision, when to date or become involved. I would caution however, that there is no other experience like being widowed. There is no telling when feelings of loss will hit you. You might find yourself in a vulnerable place at unexpected moments. It is important that YOU take care of you and your children. That said, I was widowed for the second time 2/1 of last year. I started checking out online dating sites probably in April and met the person I am still dating at the end of May. My LH (late husband) had told me before he died that he did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life; at the time, I was angry at him for suggesting that he wouldn't be here with me, but there it is. I realized quickly that I too did not want to be alone. Having been widowed once already, I knew myself in that space. I have a small family (LH has a larger family) and tend to live a very private existence. I told my closest friends (like two or three people) and my mother that I was dating; they were happy for me. There are some in my family and LH's family who don't know that I am doing so because as you will see if you dig around here on the site, people have all sorts of ideas about when and how and who we should date and so forth. There can be judgment and if you aren't ready, well, let's just say the conversations with those friends and relatives may not go so well. There's also the possibility of being taken advantage of. It is important to be very careful. Eyes open, love. And know you have friends here. (((hugs)))

Ha! The snuggle in front of the kids thing -- you all just reminded me. So the first time I met NG's daughter was during the holidays. I was at his place and we were sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands, and I had my head on his shoulder. His daughter and her boyfriend came in and NG introduced us. I felt sort of 'caught' even though we weren't doing anything. I spoke to them both, all the while still holding hands with my head on NG's shoulder, because I didn't know what to do. So nerdy and awkward :-\

Quick update So I shared the quandary about asking NG to pick me up at the airport. It went well. He drove me there last Sunday and picked me up yesterday. This sort of piggy-backs on the $$ discussion; he shared that he to his surprise his check got garnished (short version: he knew the ex had done some shady stuff on his taxes and got a lawyer. He paid the lawyer and was under the impression that with the lawyer's assistance he would make payment arrangements so his check wouldn't get garnished. Something went awry and he's mad as a hornet -- gave a lot to the lawyer for what, so while he's working that out, he's short on cash) but asked if I wanted to stop and eat on the way from the airport. It was rush hour so getting off the road for a bit was a good idea. We stopped for burgers -- he paid. It was Cinqo de Mayo, so tequila was in order. He bought some. I offered to do dinner and a movie tonight if the contract payment I was expecting was in my waiting mail, which it was, so we'll do that tonight. Long story short: I am glad I asked him to pick me up as it was nice to have somebody there. I appreciate that he would spend what he had, even with the difficulty. How's everyone else doing out there in junior high land? ;D

Great question, klim. Prior to NG, I was all about the don't-touch-me's LOL! NG is quite affectionate in general so I've come to appreciate the attention over this past year. Maybe it's age (I am 48 and he's 52) but I've never done the lap sitter thing (at least in this context -- okay, that might have been too much information ). Just not a thing. For the other items on the 1 to 5 scale, I guess we fall like this [uPDATE- I didn't read directions ... revised to 1 = most comfortable and 5 = least comfortable]: walking holding hands 1 walking arm around shoulder or waist 2 peck on the cheek or lips 2 staring into each others eyes 3 really kissing 2 We pretty much always hold hands, like if we are walking up to the movies. About half the time NG will walk and put his arm around me and I reciprocate. We kiss in public, like if he's leaving my house or I'm leaving his, we'll do so at the car; sometimes it's a bit more real than others so I gave that one a 2, but I am not going to go to town like if we were in a private space lol. I think we are both comfy staring into each other's eyes when we talk but to just sit there and do so, not so much, but we're both introverts too so there's that.

Captainswife -- you bring up a great point about splitting bills. NG and I have never done that. It's been he pays or I pay and we try to be balanced about it. We've been honest -- neither of us has been ashamed to say we don't have any $$. In those cases, we'll sit at his place or mine and watch movies and cook. It's real life, as it should be. The first husband tainted me from intermingling funds and my second husband had the whole ex and child support thing when we got together. Even after that was resolved, he was fine with me putting the big items like the house and vehicles exclusively in my name. It certainly made things simple when he died because he basically had no assets to divide or squabble over. As a musician and with retired with health problems, there wasn't going to be much anyway. Only a few years did we file taxes together, which was actually for my benefit I appreciate him and the things he taught me in our 16 years together more than I could ever say.

daysofelijah -- you hit it with the divorce thing. I think people get tainted. It's not just divorce -- I was certainly tainted by my first marriage because of abuse. LH was tainted because of the financial thing and the way his ex treated him after they separated and divorced. NG is tainted because of feeling swindled by his ex, emotionally and financially. I was over there on Saturday and he mentioned that he got his stuff back from her; she was holding his personal items (I mean things as 'petty' as pillows and blankets ...) and finally gave them back. He had forgotten about all the stuff. His daughter got the items from her and told him that even at that moment, the ex was trying to get the daughter to side with her against her dad -- mind you, this woman is not his kid's mom! How do people even do that?! Anyway, I don't push but hint from time to time. I make sure if we are going out that I have $$ and can offer to pick up the tab or just come outright and suggest that we do something and pay for it. At this age, I figure we need to split costs as neither of us has a real discretionary cash laying about. So far it's been good and when neither of us has it go out, one or the other of us has something to thaw and cook lol! Like you, tybec, I'd like to have that feeling of support in more emotional yet tangible ways. I think often about emergency contact ... I don't have one. But the most personal 'favor' I've asked has been to drive me to the airport Let's see how things go when we've passed the one year mark at the end of May ;D

Sugarbell -- sounds like she is a great young lady, NGs daughter. That is a blessing right there. Mom? Not so much Which makes it difficult to stay neutral. However, you are doing a fabulous job of navigating these choppy waters. Good for you as you are being a role model for NG and his daughter. That's fabulous. (((hugs)))

Thanks for sharing, tybec. Finances are a real thing and no, I don't think you're being juvenile at all. In the readings I've done, the one thing that has stood out is the notion that men tend to be a bit more concrete thinking than women. For a simple example, if you send a text but don't ask a question, you might not get a response because you've offered a statement that he might not read as needing an answer. Not to speak for your NG but maybe he doesn't spend like that now because 1) he looks back and sees the spending on the ex as something done in wasteful youth, 2) you don't come across as wanting any of that, 3) you don't seem to need him to spend as validation of how he feels about you. None of which are bad things. Your comment about love language is perfect I think! How do you drop hints about maybe wanting a little pampering? It's not easy, especially if you aren't used to asking or talking about wanting things. I think I shared this story but it might be worth repeating here. Last year, NG and I got on a slightly competitive kick. It was silly things, like we awarded each other random 'points' for things. He posted something on social media about 'points for whoever knows XYZ'. I jumped on with a reply and he said I got it, to which I replied that I was drafting my list of desired prizes. That started it. By the time he was ready to travel for his job, I felt I had racked up quite a few points; when he said he had to drive through Tucson, I said he could feel free to bring me some Hopi jewelry I showed him the Hopi necklace I got a few years back when I was there. He did go through Tucson but bought a Zuni necklace and matching earrings in New Mexico. I didn't think he'd really bring anything but he did Neither of us has a lot. His ex screwed him on their taxes and he's paying that back. The job has sometime lower hours. I am rebuilding my whole life after being widowed from a marriage to a retired musician who left here with no assets. Heck, I get excited when NG pays for dinner lol!

Here's another interesting video (http://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/win-at-dating/) ... the part about being higher maintenance than everybody else ...

I think my LH knew his time was short. Once he got sicker he would talk about not wanting me to be alone for the rest of my life. He even told our pastor at the time that was his biggest fear, that I would shut myself off. Once he died and I had time to be alone, I realized I didn't want to always be alone. I went online and started looking as I hadn't dated for real in 25 years between two previous and now deceased husbands. I am grateful he said it, even though I was furious at the time It freed me from feeling guilty about rearranging things in the house, taking down photos and putting up others, and of course finding a 'real' person to connect with and having NG stay over.

Yes, Sugarbell -- the second mom or second dad is always at fault : That's why I used that term with my son -- my second husband was his second dad; his first dad was dead so there was no drama, but for my stepdaughter, having a second mom for real (someone her ex married, not just a girlfriend) was problematic for a long time.