arneal

Great point, tybec -- if we can have those difficult conversations with the new people in our lives, especially if they have not been through anything like this, hopefully helps.

Hi, trying -- so sorry about your down times. I have been in a strange place off and on with what I guess is grief. LH has been gone more than a year now; so hard to believe it! I got a telephone call about a week and a half ago from one of his more distant friends who didn't know. It was weird. I just took down the Jewish condolence prayer from a dear friend of mine and the Doggie 10 Commandments that I'd had on the fridge (I got the condolence prayer right after LH died and the 10 Commandments were from when our first dog had to be put down a few years ago). I was tired of seeing sad things around me. I had an anxiety moment the last time I spoke to my stepdaughter because she is still talking about coming out here; she wants some copies of photos and things -- I didn't say on the telephone, but they are all packed up in a cabinet in the garage with all her stuff and she can have them, no need to make copies. I have my own way of remembering. There is a memorial space in my house that has LHs photo, along with my dad and other older relatives who are gone now. I am looking ahead to what I hope to do to commemorate the year that I've known NG, which will be Memorial Day weekend. I saw a dating thing the other day where the 'guru' talked about not planning for this coming weekend's date but for that date a few months from now. He wasn't trying to say we shouldn't plan for the upcoming, but to basically stay on our toes I like that idea ... looking forward, planning for a new future, while the scars continue to heal. They sometimes get raw, but healing they are ...

A bit of levity: I've shared that my son (who will be 22 this month) lives in a semi-independent home since he is on the autism spectrum. I told him I was dating toward the end of last year; he doesn't keep in touch much but since it's his birthday month he wanted to troll for gifts lol. Anyway, he asked me how NG was doing. I said he was good. Son says, 'Tell him I am praying for him'. All I could do was laugh when I hung up the phone!

Be gentle with yourself, Dragonfly. Take it one breath at a time ...

Forgotten - it all comes down to location as well. My son's ss was not considered when LHs ex went through all her changes. But you make a great point. Serpico - I had church folks clicking their tongues at me when I was living with each husband before marriage. It was quite satisfying, truth be told, to see their faces after we had gotten married

Thanks tybec! That was great -- made me laugh out loud. Here's another one to bring smiles: Itchy palms and sweaty feet! Ha!

Another junior high moment today. A neighbor-friend asked me if I would mind feeding her dogs for a few days at the end of the month while her family go on a short vacation; my cars are broken down and she has been more than caring to me (carrying me to the market, refusing to take any gas money), so of course I said yes. Also, her one dog is the brother to my boy pup and I am determined to make friends with him since he is my doggie nephew lol. We were supposed to meet up this morning so I could feed them while she is home. NG was over last night and we were outside, enjoying the weather after coffee this morning when my neighbor drove by. She stopped and said I could come down when she got back from taking her daughter to choir practice; some time ago, another neighbor came walking by with her dog. I stepped out to say hi (more to pet the dog) and as I did, that neighbor looked me up and down and said loudly, 'Boy, you are looking sexy today!' I was totally mortified as NG was in earshot and as such, I didn't introduce them. Fast forward to today and I made a quick intro (since my friend was in her car at the curb) and then explained who she was to NG when she pulled off. I immediately thought of the first neighbor and it was all I could do to not giggle.

calimom -- it depends on the denomination and purpose of the ceremony. For some, the financial aspects are not the issue, it's the commitment. In some religions, there are cultural ceremonies and the legal (with a certificate, by a priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, or municipal officiant) is separate. LH and I used to worship at a church that had many members who were born in various West African nations; they nearly always had two ceremonies -- the cultural one and then one at the court house. Some didn't do the one with the license.

The benefit of marrying someone with nothing ... my LH had been retired because of health for quite a few years prior to dying. We'd had to stop paying life insurance for him a while ago, but when he ended up in hospital in 2015, I got a policy again. It was enough to cremate him. The property, cars, and all that have always been in just my name. I am trying to rebuild my finances and get on a more solid footing so I am a better catch LOL. I lived with both my husbands before marriage. The first time, my mom, who is quite traditional, nearly had a cow. She wasn't thrilled the second time around either, but has stopped trying to convince me to live life the way she thinks I should after realizing that I haven't done so bad in the big picture. I'd like to marry again if that's in the cards. I enjoy sharing my life with someone and think I am a good partner.

Oh tybec. So sorry. Maybe a Unitarian pastor? You could look online in your area as well. I think there is another ordination that is real but nondenominational that a number of folks have gotten in order to preside over gay marriages. Just a thought.

Hugs, Bunny. Some of what you shared reminded me of my first husband. He was abusive to me and our son before he died ... eventually I got to a place of being glad he was away from his own demons as well.

Thanks all! The name thing is very interesting as well. I gave up my maiden and as time went on, I wished I hadn't. I took my first husband's name, which is my son's last name. When I got remarried, I hyphenated. If God would have it that I marry again, I have imagined that I would abbreviate the two hyphenated names in place of a middle name or initial.

tybec -- I used to say that I'd only make people I didn't like have to call me Dr.; the rest could use it if they liked I answer the phone with it when there's a telemarketer on the line! Ha!

Yes, tybec -- that is a great site. I had not read this post before but yeah, quite appropriate. I think I wish there was some sort of in-between term. If not on a professional letter, I'll use no salutation or I'll use 'Ms.' as I've never felt much like a 'Mrs.' (that's my mom LOL), even when LH was alive. Otherwise, I avoid the whole thing and use 'Dr.' It boils down to always being part of the club (boy, too much in the club after being widowed twice ... sigh) but wanting to get away from the sympathetic, pitying looks from people when they ask me if I'm married ...

Thinking of you, trying, and holding you up in love and light.

Hi all and happy Sunday! Was filling out an online survey (it was about an extended warranty purchase experience and for a $250 Visa card -- can't hurt!) and got to the demographics question, which brought me back to the discussion here about changing social media status. Do you all tick the 'widowed' box when you fill things out? Have any of you switched to 'single'? If so, why and after how long? If not, why not?

tybec -- good for you! Yeah, the before-divorce thing. Totally get that. LH was separated when we met as was NG. LH and I lived together for some time prior to the divorce and we kept from co-mingling finances for just that reason. I think also he had an inkling that it would be easier to do so moving forward should I find myself alone. Like I have. Beyond my house, I have nothing of worth financially. LH was a musician with health issues. NG was upfront when we met that he was separated and working on a divorce; it was finalized in September. On the finance thing: I've been having car nightmares. Both my vehicles are not running but sitting in my driveway. I explained to NG why I can't just get rid of them (poor decisions, title loan taken on one to fund the family trip to my graduation when I finished my doctoral degree ages ago; and with a drop in my credit rating after my last F/T work contract ended in 2013, no one will give me a new car loan to ditch the other one I am paying on) and he said if he could, he'd buy me a car. How sweet! trying2breathe -- if I might suggest, if you can avoid the 'It is not you, it is me' conversation? Maybe just coming out and telling him how you feel, that you are enjoying how things are, that you aren't closed completely to the idea of moving forward at some point (or are you?). Don't beat yourself up about not forging ahead. We all have to take our own pace with this thing. Personally, I was ready for a physical relationship after being with LH for eight years without sex (prostate cancer and surgery). I am grateful to LH for helping me find out more about my own desires and needs as the first husband certainly didn't give a hoot about it. It took a few months dating NG for me to figure out how much I wanted to be with him. Sigh. The story continues!

Ha! How timely in light of our recent conversation -- just saw a post from a friend on Facebook: 'The sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook' ;D Confession: almost lost my cool today. NG had been traveling for work so we didn't get together for our usual Saturday; he came yesterday instead and left from my house to go to work. Sigh. Showered here, did a bit of work on his computer before leaving, coffee together, hugs and kisses goodbye with wishes for a good day and safe driving ... again, sigh.

Agreed, Abitlost! We all deserve to love and be loved well. For some, this is something they've had before and it is difficult to move forward with someone new. For others, it's a completely new experience. No matter what, it will be different and there's nothing wrong with that. I am happy for you and hope you'll continue to share news of how it's going! Yes, I think things are going well with NG; it's been just about nine months since we started seeing each other

Yay yay yay!!!! Sending so much love and light!

Trying -- I totally relate to the socially awkward thing. After LH died, I decided it was time for me to make some health changes for myself; having been a caregiver for a while, I realized I had not been taking care of myself. I signed up for a challenge at a gym where my friend was a manager and made the initial goal. What was really the challenge was that we had to post on FB while we were in the challenge. I have never been a selfie person so that was horrifying for me! Plus, I hate photos of myself. Well, I have continued to go to the gym and have made some great acquaintances there. I haven't actually been this size since junior high, so that is quite an accomplishment for me. I have worked hard at the social awkward bit and am coming along. I practice conversations whilst home alone I also practice the sorts of things I plan to say to NG as well so I am ready for all sorts of discussions (we spend a lot of time talking). I appreciate your comment about not changing social media status ... that makes sense. That is fabulous, Abitlost -- so glad to hear about your situation. I look forward to sharing something similar one day. I do my best just to keep cool and take it one day at a time

That is something you've made me consider as well, daysofelijah -- LH and I had nicknames that sort of just happened; I am good at creating spur of the moment names and so was he. NG uses darling when he's being dramatic about something (like if we are pretending to be ritzy folks, throwing up our pinkies while we eat ribs or something ha!) or babe occasionally. I might slip in a 'hun' every now and again but tend to just start talking or call him by his name. When we text, we usually use each others name or just start with 'hey!'

Yes, MrsDan -- I think we both think about the social media blowup should we go there. However, we'll need to get to a point of what we call each other first ... but stranger things have happened! Only time will tell.

Thanks for that, tybec I sometimes say 'the person I am seeing' (ew) or 'boyfriend' (ew -- I am 48 and he is 52) when talking about NG. When I am writing generally, I use the term 'signif' (really hip, right? LOL). The one time we had a conversation was when one of his FB friends wanted to friend me. I asked him if it was okay for me to accept; after all, people can be so nosy. A specific: a few days after NG and I friended each other on social media, my aunt (who is my mother's brother's second wife ...) sent NG a friend request. It was his birthday weekend and we had stopped for a snack after a movie; he asked me if I knew who this person was and I replied that she was my aunt. I told him she was nosy and he could ignore the invite if he chose. We laughed and moved on. So, in like respect, I asked him about this person from his friend list who wanted to friend me. She is a friend of his dad's and he went on to say that she was probably friending me because she figured I was 'my girlfriend or who I am seeing or whatever' ... I had another one of his friends send me a request and I accepted without saying anything. It's so junior high for sure!

I saw a post over on one of the other socializing boards about changing social media relationship status. What do you all think about that? I go through my spells where I would love to do it, then I'm like, 'That's silly', then I imagine what it would be like to have that conversation just like the person who posted, then I imagine NG asking me about it ... sigh -- neurotic much? LOL. We sort of talk around the relationship conversation but real life speaks volumes to me. Whenever we go out, he holds my hand the whole time; I've never been with anyone who does that. LH was affectionate, but not like this. Neither of us have a big circle of local friends; I have a few people that I go to lunch with every now and again, but it's not like there's a bunch of family around for us to go to dinner with and announce 'Here's my bf' or 'Hey, meet my gf'. NG has shared that he and his ex dated for quite some time before making the big plunge and that turned out not so good so it doesn't surprise me that no labels have been placed. After all, we haven't even been together for a year yet. However, we're sneaking up on it (the end of May). How about you all?