arneal

Hi, trying2breathe: thanks for checking in. Hoping you and everyone here had a good weekend. A tradition in my mom's family is to be sure you've cooked at your own house each holiday, even if you've been invited to someone else's. That way, when you come home, you have something to snack on I cooked on Saturday and NG came over then he cooked on Sunday. His daughter and her boyfriend were there as well, even though we didn't eat all together. Corny jr. high moment -- I tried not to giggle when she remembered my name

Thanks, tybec and daysofelijah. I just couldn't stand it and ended up posting a message to him on social media I had posted a couple weeks ago asking for ideas for Easter dinner; he replied first with a crazy response, to which I had replied that I would be welcome to try it if he cooked. Last night, I basically made a joke about what was cooking. He replied almost right away that he was thinking of a meal that he had promised to cook for me. I replied to say I had no problem inviting myself and bringing a side or dessert and he asked for brownies. We'll see as now I'll leave it go and wait for the real invite. I am on my way to the store to get groceries anyway and plan to cook for myself. I have a standing invite with friends as well. My mom was asking what I was going to do and I told her part of the story; she asked if I was cooking and when I said yes, she was like, yeah -- that's how we always do, go out but cook at home as well ;D NG and I typically connect every couple days on social media and privately at the end of the week as he works a lot. I'm not particularly needy and as such am not sure how to navigate the whole situation. He is a slow mover in general from what I understand of his past relationships, which is okay. We both like our own spaces. I am not adverse to sharing if the opportunity arose.

Hey there, fellow 'budders' (as I live in California, that could have multiple meanings! ;D): Popping in to see how everyone is doing. Funny how the longer we are connected to someone, the more interesting things we learn. I had one of those clingy moments last year when NG sort of dropped from the radar for about a week; it was if I remember around this time of year and I went into a panic. I really liked him and was praying he hadn't ghosted. He came back to his usual self and said he'd just needed some time to shut down (a bit of depression it seemed). Fast forward to now: he had a small injury last week and sort of vanished again. We communicated last weekend when I offered to pop over there (he usually comes to my house, but the last time he didn't feel well he said he'd wished I could come over there but I wasn't able to). He wasn't up to it and suggested we try for the next day -- I left it at 'if you feel up to it, let me know'. Didn't hear anything from him so on went my week. It's been silence all this week but I haven't reached out like I did last year. I am trying to live out the advice I've read about keeping on with my daily ordinary stuff. But it's hard, I tell ya as I want to see him. Sigh. Here's hoping we meet up this weekend ...

Right, First Widow? I wish I'd seen a post like this before my first online dating experience

Hugs, Sugarbell!

I can imagine! My NG plays guitar and his dad was a jazz musician; LH was a jazz musician. NG has played all of LHs instruments that I have in the house. Like you said here - weird yet comforting.

tybec - does NG know that depth of history? Can you talk about the similarities? I am not suggesting detail like about the song your LH dedicated, but just the shared love of music?

Thanks Rob!

Yay, momto! I can tell you it was a couple of months before NG and I kissed. But I think we both were thinking about it :)You'll get there, God willing.

momtokam -- some men are not big on the text thing. It sounds like Bumble is a bit of an introvert. My NG is like that; rarely texts in between meet-ups. And I am very much an introvert, so I get that

Yay, momtokam! Hope you have a great time!

I agree with you, tybec; my space, my rules NG has never acted like he was ... put off? ... when I had all sorts of photos of LH and family around. LH was a musician and I have some of the accessories around, like a Native American wind instrument, a finger piano, a rainstick, and a few small hand drums which NG has played with LH was also an artist, so I have his artwork up, including a couple pieces on the walls in the bedroom. However, it's never been a thing. And as you so succinctly said, we are each on a different journey and have to travel it the way we do!

Agreed momto - that's what I as trying to get at

Ah. Got it. He said he would call and didn't. See what happens. Maybe there was something pressing. If he doesn't reach out by the weekend, meh, move on. If you hear from him after, remind him he said he would call and add maybe that you figured his schedule changed. You have things to do -- let him chase you a little

Guys are often nervous about the first call too. They might be interested but aren't sure if you are. If he doesn't and you don't but you are interested, message him and say something like ' Hey, sorry we did not connect. Call me when you are free and let's schedule to meet.' It gives him clear direction on what to do. The first time NG and I were messaging I made the suggestion to meet. He agreed and sent his #. I sent mine and said something like 'Yeah let's talk'. He called. I wasn't adverse to ringing first, just too nervous

Sugarbell -- unfortunately, what you just described happens more frequently than you know ...

My LH said clearly he did not want me by myself. I was angry about it when he first said it, but after he died, I soon realized I didn't want to be alone either. This was the second time I'd been widowed, so I was very organized when it happened. I moved forward with life, particularly LH had not only told me but had told our pastor at the time as well that he didn't want me alone. I started checking online dating sites about two months after he died and realized quickly that I had no concept of what dating was about. After dealing with a troll for a bit, I went on another site where I met my NG. We have been associated since the end of last May. He was separated and working on his divorce, which was finalized in the fall. We kept things friendly for that time, particularly since we only saw each other on weekends. We were on the same page about how to connect physically and it happened, if I can say, organically.

tybec -- ah, the 'fun' of crazy ex'es ... My LH and I lived together for a few years while he got his divorce finalized. When we moved in together, he was renting a house for his father and his daughter (who lived with the ex). I then bought a house, which was in just my name (we weren't married, after all). Even after we got married, we didn't intermingle stuff like that. I bought the house I am in now -- just me. I think he suspected that a day might come when I would be on my own and by not having us on the paperwork together, nothing had to be done ... Sigh. The things we need to consider.

What is your relationship like with this young man? If you can maybe take him for coffee and have a conversation about how he's like a big brother to your younger ones and that you are concerned about them seeing what he is doing. I hear you about impressionable young ones. The fact that this young man is only 17 is problematic. I don't have a problem with marijuana in general, but not for the young unless it's for specific medicinal purposes (like a tincture) for a condition. But that's a totally different thing. My point is, the bigger deal you make it, the more difficult the relationship will be for you all. Being the woman in his dad's life who is not his mother is always something of a precarious spot ... All the best!

Good for you, daysofelijiah!

My son was two weeks before his fourth birthday when his dad died suddenly. I am forever grateful to my LH (not my son's dad -- he was horrid. Sad he died like he did but that was not a good marriage -- but my second husband, who died last year) who was a FATHER to a little boy with special needs (autism) who needed that.

Monique -- {{{hugs}}}

Your story is, unfortunately, not uncommon tybec There are more ex's who don't know what they want than those who actually move on with their lives. Many narcissists ...

Hey there, Trying: Being a stepparent is never easy. The first husband had three daughters, three moms before me (yep, didn't know it when we got together). I didn't have much contact with them because I think those women realized how abusive he was and just stayed away. LH finalized his divorce during our connection and we got married. His daughter came to like me but it was an adjustment; the people he dated before me tried to be her friend instead of a parent-role. I wasn't having that. I treated her like I would expect someone to treat my son. Granted, I wasn't as strict with her as I was with him because I knew her mom wasn't; she and her mom were friends more than anything. Her mom would try and get in between her dad and I, but it didn't work because he wanted different for his daughter. The ex has been alone since they broke up (26 years ago); she doesn't want a partner, lover, and friend -- she wants an open wallet. About 15 years ago, she took him to court because he was struggling to pay support; he had been very sick and had recently gotten his retirement due to disability. When we were in court, she told the judge that she didn't believe he was sick. I wanted to jump over there and pound her. The judge did too because the case was tossed. After LH died, she wanted to be all friendly with me. It's such a weird balancing act but the thing to remember is that you are trying to be there for your guy and his children, not his ex. Have a conversation with him about his expectations and keep on doing what you are doing. Stay strong!

Thanks, MrsDan and tybec! I rarely use LH's name in any context. I will do so when I talk to some people -- I have a cousin who has been widowed three times, so she gets it; I say it to my mom sometimes; and to one of my closest friends who was also widowed -- but I don't think I've ever even mentioned his name around NG. I have two photos up (one of just him near photos of my dad, grandmother, and other deceased relatives and one with him, me, and my son at a friend's wedding) but we've never talked about them. I used to have a lot more but it never fazed NG when he was here. I took them down because I was ready. As far as referring to NG, I use his first name when I text or sometimes when we are on the phone as he does for me. We also use 'hey' a lot