arneal

Dare I say that we see ourselves as undesirable more so than others seeing us so. As tybec so eloquently put it, time changes things ... oneoftwo -- I was widowed the first time at 30. He was abusive and was convinced no one would want me. Because he said that to me a lot. I met a wonderful man after a time and we had 16 great years together, after which I was widowed a second time. I soon realized I did not want to be alone and began to date. Time ... take as much as you need. Travel in this space as there are great people who understand. {{{hugs}}}

Cheering for you, Rob! Hope you'll keep us updated. This is the one-year-since-first-date weekend. Since it seems NG isn't one to do anything to mark the moment, I've been spending today working in my family room (the surround sound was non-op since LH died). My wonderful neighbor came down and moved the 9,000lb TV that was in here and I was able to clean. After my volunteer time this morning I picked up a new TV and stand. I spent most of the day getting it all put together and running. It is fabulous! Even if I don't see him this weekend, I and the dogs will be watching this 50" screen, theatre-style. But of course I am hoping to see NG as it is the weekend and this is when we usually meet up. Sigh.

Oh my, Momto ...

Needy -- yes, but with a carrier oil like coconut or hemp (baby oil in a pinch when the pennies are low lol). I have a few stress mixtures and plan to make my own as I learn more. Love my oils! And the blue stuff from doterra has done wonders for my ankle.

Glad to hear, Needy! That is fabulous. Have you considered essential oils for your pain? I was buying my own randomly but my friend started selling them so I have a local connection now frankinsense is great for pain and doterra has a blue concoction that works for me and for my friend who has rheumatoid arthritis.

So sorry to hear, momof2 That was rotten.

Needy -- it sounds like you'll have to weigh if you want to put time into this situation. Is he someone you'd like to have a deeper connection with? Spend lots of time with? If so, then sure, consider sharing/oversharing. If not, consider how to pull back without damaging what could be a friendship. Plus if he has some wounds because of the ex, how you let him know you aren't interested in more than friendship will be important, especially if he has some sort of social anxiety or worse. As an introvert, the 'dating' part of online dating mortified me ... you mean I have to physically meet this person and talk to them?! LOL! I had to talk myself into it, practice potential conversations and body language so I wouldn't look totally as freaked out as I felt on the inside, and breathe, breathe, breathe. I did a good bit of reading prior to my first meet-up as well. It's not easy ...

I hear that, Sugarbell. It has developed over time with NG but LH taught me how to be more open to affection, public or not. NG likes to walk and hold hands, sit close in the movies, will put his arms around me. We don't do the stare in the eye thing but we do keep eye contact. Every now and again I'll see him watching me but I am not sure how to react so I act like I don't notice lol. I've grown to like it more with NG, that's certain, but all-out deep kissing and such? Nah, that's private. Funny story about personal space: we went to dinner one time last fall and I ordered one of the specialty drinks. I let him taste it and he made a comment about the proprietor being willing to let me drink it because he (NG) must have looked like he was strong enough to carry me out if the drink was too strong. I did my best not to look mortified at the notion of him trying to pick me up ... guess it's a woman thing

{{{hugs}}} Bunny. I have moments where I make a mixed drink early in the day. I think we all have spells of ... whatever it is ... needing to separate some part of ourselves from the rest ... needing not to feel so much ...

Thank you for sharing that, tybec. I agree with you. I was certainly idyllic (read: young, naive, and very stupid) at 21. If I hadn't been, life would look very different today and maybe I wouldn't be a woman with two widow experiences under her belt ... The 18 months thing is interesting to me as next week marks the 12 month point for NG and I. I lived with both my husbands before we got married; went in with wide open eyes the second time. LH and I spent lots of time together at his house so I knew pretty much all of his quirks before moving in there. Because I spent so much time there, I think he knew mine as well. NG spends time here more than I do at his house, more I think because he wants to set the example to his daughter that he doesn't want her boyfriend spending the night There has been no discussion of something as huge as mutual living arrangements, so I'm not even thinking that far ahead. I look forward to the day that 'I love you' gets said out loud by either/both of us. One step at a time

What's he like on the telephone, Needy? Does he talk? Maybe he's people-phobic or public-phobic. Does he initiate text or phone conversations or are you reaching out all the time? If he initiates, ideally one would think there was interest on his part. Maybe asking him straight up what he'd like to do?

Here's a video that I hope will make everyone smile about the online dating/meetup! http://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/what-he-says-vs-what-he-means/

Howdy all: An update -- so I shared that I had a coupon to go to the wolf preserve. I'd told NG and he seemed interested. This week was a bit tough so when I texted to tell him I'd confirmed for Saturday, I didn't get a response. I went on with my full week but then when the weekend arrived (mind you, we'd been messaging about other stuff) and I didn't get a confirmation, I sent a text to tell him to say I was sorry I couldn't change his mind about coming and that I was taking off, would pick up the BBQ I had planned to investigate (again a coupon so I knew there would be plenty) and that I'd be around if he wanted to meet up. I proceeded to drive the 1+ hours to the place. Let me say it was cathartic; I hadn't been to that area before. Ever. The last time I'd driven in that direction, I'd had my LH and my son in my home. I have to go to Arizona in a few months and had been planning to drive myself and felt this trip was a precursor. It was glorious! I got there and had a fantastic time with the wolves. I posted oodles of photos. As I was leaving I told the proprietor that I planned to come back and she said, 'Well, maybe your friend will come with next time' and we smiled. We met up later and he called me the wolf lady and we laughed about it; he'd seen all my fantastic photos. He sort of looked sheepishly and said, 'You have a hard time getting me to go places' (he was referring to the preserve as well as an outing that didn't happen back around Christmas). I made a face and said, 'Well I plan to go back, so next time!' and kept on with the rest of the evening. Bottom line, I absolutely adore him and understand that stuff happens. But I will go off and have a wonderful time, meeting people, and doing things regardless. I say to him: Catch up if you can

So sorry trying2; I think part of it (not making excuses but thinking through my typing fingers here) that it might be difficult for NG to offer a what is a reasonable response. If he doesn't get how you feel about it ... you're dating, which could be viewed as 'She has moved on in total', acknowledging that you felt some kind of way about what would have been your wedding anniversary might be tough to speak to. Maybe changing the subject was his way of attempting to move you to a happier state of mind? (I am being hopeful over here) {{{hugs}}}

Trying -- for some reason, any good you do together is an affront to an ex's ability to good. As if one has any bearing on the other or it's a game of one upmanship. It sucks. You and your guy, keep doing what you are doing. Show those children what unity is all about (that was actually the topic of our message at service today ...).

Julester -- I think some of what you see is the fallout from those who don't have that self-respect. They make a bad name for the rest.

Wow, Needy. Yeah, I think it's time to kick Tommy to the curb. It's almost like he's angling ... throw bait to see where you are in the pond; if you aren't hooked, he figures he can come back and bait you again later. Ew.

Love it, klim! You bring up another interesting thing about the differences in our encounters. I went for my annual checkup today and one of the questions on the pre-visit form asked how many pregnancies, how many children, and how many miscarriages I'd had. It then asked how many sexual partners I've had in the past 12 months and how many in my life (it offered a blank to fill in for each). Neither of these points came up in the conversation with the doctor but they made me think that they hadn't come up in the course of my building relationship with NG either ... not that it matters because neither of us are children and I suppose we assume that we came into this with more than the recent past

tybec -- I am so sorry to hear of the latest stressors in your life and lift you and your mom and family to the Light. Glad to hear that NG is there for you all. That is fabulous! So I got to chat with my (not-blood-related) little brother yesterday One thing that he said about this whole event tracking thing was that for some men, they do it in their head and while they act casual about it, they are very much conscious of those special dates even while not mentioning them. I think that is true of NG; when I think about his approach to Christmas for example, he didn't say much of anything but put a lot of thought into the gifts (and there were a few) that he gave me. He tends to be more low-key on lots of things but seems to enjoy them Count-down to the wolf preserve this Saturday; I texted him about it and the time but have yet to get a real response. I was telling my friend when we were walking the other day that I since I didn't ask him any questions in my text that I will probably hear from him early Saturday. However, I am a stickler for time frames and will text him in the evening on Friday so he'll know my expectations on when we need to leave

Love2 -- ;D ;D ;D

trying2 -- I hear you about who to tell about dating. For me, I told just a few people when I decided I was ready to try dating/online dating. I was ready pretty quick (LH died 2 February, I started checking online sites a few months later; met NG online it was either Friday or Saturday of Memorial Day weekend and met face to face on Memorial Day). I told two local friends I trusted before the face to face as a safety thing. I also told two women who are like sisters to me; the one I've known since third grade and we know more about each other than probably anyone else and the other is a close second. Once we'd met I told my mother and eventually told one of my uncles. And of course my son knows. As far as LH's family: one of his cousins (female) is like a sister to me and we talk just about every day. She has been married three times and all three husbands are deceased, so she gets it. I am grateful for her and she is happy for me. I mentioned something maybe in the early fall to my stepdaughter about having a friend who could fix something in the house but not wanting to impose; her response was to have him do it and just tell him to bring a change of clothes because I have the two bathrooms and he could shower ... she was adamant however that if I did it, I needed to not let him shower in my bedroom Needless to say, I don't talk to her about my personal life; she is 30 and I know her mom gushes about her love life (or lack thereof) so it's partly that and I have the feeling that she thinks I am sitting around, pining over her dad like she is. We are connected on social media so I see her profile, which has been a photo of her and her dad when she was about four or five years old. She made it that within days of his death and has kept it that way. NG and I are connected on social media as well but it's a public space so there's only been maybe two posts in all this time that were more on the personal side; even those were not red flag - they are dating - type posts. Fortunately, the friends who know we are dating are not saying. Bottom line for me is, for all family, is that until something is publicly official, I am not saying anything. I mean, NG has a sister back east, my mom and just about all the rest of my family are as well, and I've thought about making a suggestion that we take a trip back there together. However, I want to wait until we are a good bit past that one year mark :-X If that conversation ever happens, I'll probably ask, 'So, how are we calling ourselves?'

Wow! Just saw a news story about a man who filed a lawsuit against his date for the price of a movie ticket. They met online and when they met to see the movie, he says she was texting the whole time. When he asked her to stop, she went outside the theatre to text and never came back. The manager of the theatre wants to give the man a gift card to drop the suit.

Love2fish -- so appreciate your rant! I saw a meme on social media of a woman who comes home to her signif; she is all mad and begins to tell him how tough her day was and that she was irritated he hadn't texted her all day. He replies that he knew she was busy. She responds that hearing from him would have helped alleviate her irritation about work. I stopped watching there, wondering if this was real life for some people. Don't get me wrong: a well-placed text message is a lift. However, if I'm under deadline and have enough work on my plate to last until 9 pm, a 'what are you doing I was thinking of you' text is not going to get the loving response to the sentiment with which it was sent. And I'm a woman feeling like that. My NG has a demanding job and is not one for a bunch of texting, so I can only imagine how weird he would find such behavior :o Okay, my rant is over now too ;D

Sounds like a great course, Needy! One thing that I once read that included great advice for women seeking to date a man: women typically do not think like men and vice versa. Don't judge based on your own space. Recognize there are different communication styles. Recognize he is probably just as freaked out by you as you are by him. Take the date for what it's worth and don't try to project what tomorrow might bring; on the same note, if he doesn't call or text immediately, don't think the Titanic has sunk -- most men don't obsess over all this like women do (does he like me? will he call to go out again? did he think I looked fat?) lol

Needy -- your post here reminded me of my first face to face with NG; I arrived way early, backed into a near-front parking space, and I layed low behind the steering wheel. I had a bird's eye view of the front door to the place we were meeting, figuring I would be able to spot him and if I got a bad vibe, I could pull off quickly It made me feel much better doing that, as well as telling two friends I trust with my life what was going on.