arneal

I think because my first marriage was so traumatic, including the first husband's death, I learned not to compare. Second LH is like that sage voice in my head. I smile at times when I think of how he would think of my life without him. He told me that he did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life and used to fuss when I kept to myself too much; he'd tell me to be more open. I think of the person I am today, how I call the folks in the neighborhood stores my friends and talk to them, how they recognize me and treat me well, and of course how I go to the gym and especially how I've opened up to NG and know he'd be thrilled. I can see him smiling ... smirking actually, and imagine that he'd say something like, 'I told you so -- see how nice it is to be open with people?' : Second LH and NG are music folks; LH played professionally while NG does it for fun even though his dad was a professional musician. That's about the only thing they have in common. It's almost a 'be careful what you ask for' because while LH was all about being in the same space, NG is perfectly content to do his thing and not feel some type of way about who is doing what when we aren't together. He is very focused on his work and life, which is great -- after being with an abusive person the first time and being a caregiver the second, I am happy about that. When we are together, he is super attentive, even if he doesn't always remember small stuff like movies we've watched before lol. He does remember important things though, which is great. However, I can't be satisfied it seems since I like the freedom but wouldn't mind a bit more contact. I am resonating with what you said, Sugarbell, about getting to a place of personal wholeness. That is so important to me and the rest as they say, will follow. Or it won't. I can't worry about it and as such do more caring for myself, working, and doing my volunteer work again. It's all new and weird but good

I hear you, klim! In the stuff I read about dating, that's a real thing. Men like being needed. They don't want a gold digger obviously but someone who is appreciative. When NG was on his way to Texas after taking his present job last fall, he said he would be driving back through Tucson. We'd been on a silly kick about who was ahead on points and prizes and I think I was in the lead after helping with his resume and so on for the job. He asked me what sort of prize I wanted and I commented that I had gotten a lovely piece of Hopi jewelry the last time I was in Tucson. When he got back and the very next time he came to my house, he was barely in the door before he whipped out this necklace box. I opened it and it was an Indigenous necklace and earrings. He said he got it in New Mexico and it was Zuni, not Hopi. However, I didn't argue It is lovely and I get lots of compliments on it. Indigenous jewelry is not cheap. And Christmas was similar. For me, it was a matter of not having similar means. I know we aren't in a competition but still. We have always been good about splitting spending, like the one overnight we took together, I got the room and he paid for parking and dinner, which was more expensive than the room with all the food and drinks we had lol (we were at the beach). I cook quite a bit but he drives to my house. When we go out, he'll buy dinner and I'll pay for a movie. But on those times when I can do it all, I try to

Hugs, friend. It has just been over a year since LH died but he had been sick for some time and I had already accepted subconsciously that he was on the decline. However, last night I had a horrible dream that he was alive but suffering. In it, he had an episode and I think he died painfully, which isn't how he actually went. They come and go, but mostly I have such dreams when I am stressed. Which I have been of late. Plus, my NG is moving to a new place and is quite busy so I haven't seen him in the last week or so and know seeing him this weekend will be brief. The brain is something, isn't it?

Yay for the better health, Maureen! My full-time contract ended in 2013 and I was completely out of work for a year and a half. I am still not full-time anywhere and have a doctorate. I no longer have the patience for sitting in traffic to go to an office all day and during LH's illness focused on using my post-doc certificate in teaching in the virtual classroom to get online work. It's only now that I am just about at a full-time living wage again. It isn't easy, but with all we've been through, we have the tenacity to keep clawing at it until we win. Hugs! Enjoy the northeast -- I miss NJ, but not enough to move back

Thanks, trying -- he works in the technical field and I am a home-grown techie so he laughs regularly at my fixes around the house, like with my surround sound and a really tacky security camera I put up in my garage. I typically don't ask for help. So I did send the text, asking if he'd take me. He replied last night after I'd gone to bed to ask about my departure time. I sent it this morning; although he's still moving, he said he would and to call to remind him that morning. Here's where my own angst kicks in: these days they tell you to get to the airport super-early to get through security; while I don't check bags and all that, I still do my best to get there early. It usually takes about 40 minutes to get from his place to mine and then another 20-ish minutes to the airport on a good day. If my flight leaves, say, at 12:30, I'd be at the airport and through security by 11 to 11:30. In my estimate, he'd need to leave his old place at 9:30 at the outside. From what I understand, the new place is a bit farther away, so there you go. He asked me to call him at 10. You know my reply was something like, I will probably call a pinch earlier since security and all I felt weird asking but am glad I did.

Had no luck finding that article. If I come across it, hopefully I will remember to post it ;D So here's another weird jr. high thing: for those of you early on, how often if ever do you ask the new person in your life for assistance? At some level, it's nice to be needed, right? But who wants to be with someone helpless, right? So last year, NG asked if I would drive him to the airport; he had gotten a new job (rabbit trail: in my education work, I have to edit PDF documents and such and I also like to work on computers so I keep lots of software applications. He asked me to help him fill out the docs and had no qualms about sending me his personal info to do so. When it came down to including references, he put me first, above his relatives and the friend who recommended him for the job -- giggle) and had to fly to the main office to pick up a work truck and drive it home. He stayed at my house for a couple days and I took him to the airport. I had to travel to a speaking engagement a couple months ago; I took a van service to and from the airport, which is what I typically do. However, I got hit with that lonely bug when I came home because 1) it was my first time traveling by air since LH died, 2) when I saw the familiar landmarks but was noticing them alone I felt it, and 3) walking out of the airport with no one to welcome me home was a very real moment. I wrote something about it on my social media and NG replied that he would have picked me up but I hadn't said anything. I replied that it was something I needed to go through (catharsis of a sort). Fast forward to my telling him I have to travel; he said he would take me. I was going to just leave it go and not say anything since it's been about three weeks since we talked about it and since then we've had Easter and he and his daughter moved. I didn't want to be a pest, you know? However, I also didn't want to just leave and act like he hadn't made the offer. So I sent a text to ask if he'd be available to take me. I honestly feel weird asking since I am used to doing these sorts of things for myself -- either driving myself or ordering the car or van service. Sigh.

daysofelijah -- NG just moved last weekend; I've only been to his place three times so I have nothing there. We spend time at my house as I live alone -- his youngest daughter lives with him and she doesn't clean up much, which drives him bananas It was funny the first time I went there: he said he has a house rule of no overnights because he doesn't want to encourage her boyfriend. However, he followed that with something like, 'I am sure the second I am away, he is here all night' and we laughed. Yet, the second time I visited, which was New Year's Eve, he encouraged me to stay. Go figure. But I digress ... in the article I read (which I should try to find and post here for feedback), when one person or the other leaves things at the other's place, it is a way of planting some roots (for lack of a better way of putting it) which I found interesting, particularly in the context of how people show that they care. I'll see if I can find that article!

Okay, decided to share this video -- I chuckled through the scenarios (because I certainly was guilty): http://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/scares-great-guys/

nonesuch -- you summed up how I felt too: not at all good at dating!

Happy Monday everyone! Just posted over on that other thread about things we do to stay occupied and got sidetracked by something that seemed more appropriate here. So in my readings about dating and identifying 'where you are' in the relationship, some of the so-called experts talk about the fact that love is often shown rather than said. The one in particular offered signs that a person is into you. The one thing that stuck out was when he or she leaves things at your house or apartment: it could be clothing, knicknacks, a toothbrush, or something. NG had brought a set of DVDs at one point -- they are sitting on top of my player in the living room (we never did finish watching them and when I asked if he wanted to take them back or if he wanted me to bring them, he said no and that we'd finish watching them one day ...). But the thing that I mentioned on the other thread that reminded me of this was the fact that he left a guitar here Talk about 'leaving a mark'! I can't miss it and when I dust, I have to dust the case, too because it's been here for such a time now LOL. Again, dating is so junior high. Hope you all had a great weekend and will have a wonderful week!

Thanks for sharing, MrsDan -- my LH was a musician and I have the items I plan to keep still scattered round the livingroom; NG loves music and he had no problem picking up each one and playing them. It felt weird at first to see him put his lips to the Native wind instrument after only seeing my LH do it ... I got over it quick though as he was completely comfortable doing it. It was just a bit jarring, you know? Funny thing: one day a few months back, NG shows up with a guitar case. He said something about not having a guitar here and left it. I still laugh about it when I look at it as it's sitting in my livingroom, near LH's former instruments. I can't play anything anymore (played flute and sax for a little bit in jr. high but didn't like it and stopped) and certainly never had the aptitude for guitar so when he plays, I love to watch and comment about how much dexterity it takes and all that. It's just funny to me that he wanted to leave something like that at my house

Thanks Mike! I would certainly pop over for some fresh bread and cider vinegar!

Momto -- rats. I was hoping you were holding out on a connection story (hugs)!

Thanks for popping in, Needy - I have wanted to try pottery! But the main bucket list thing is archery. Used to love it. When I am able, I want to take it up and maybe even buy a bow set. Once I learn to swim, I plan to get a wetsuit so I can go to the ocean anytime

Julester3 -- I hear you about the kids getting older. I was glad I had stopped FT work when my son turned 18. It was also around the time LH got sicker. I work FT but not for one university so my time is flexible. The insurance thing is problematic; I am with MediShare which fills the gap but I would like something a bit more traditional. It would be nice if one of my gigs turns FT one day

That sounds neat, momto. What happened after? Any updates?

I hear you Trying. Love that you are near water. O turned 48 in February and in about two to two and a half years have lost 60lb. Getting to the gym has been my most social endeavor as I have always had social anxiety. My other want-to is to sign up at the local university for swim lessons. I will go into the ocean at a moment's notice having grown up in South Jersey but I almost drowned in a pool when I was small and never learned to swim. If I do that, I won't be scared to take aqua workout classes at the gym I plan to join when my current membership ends. I met some great people but it's too expensive to maintain. Gotta do what I gotta do! When you start, communicate with the trainers. If they won't modify for you, find a trainer (or a gym) that will. It's good to inquire about free trials first so you can thoroughly check the place out.

Thanks, BrokenHeart2 -- interesting you mention quilting as I have a big bag of t-shirts that don't fit or are worn out that I'd love to have made into a quilt. Different thing than your group does but I've pondered sewing such a thing by hand TooSoon -- within a few months after LH died, I was in the gym. I am stalled right now because I have been stress eating. And NG likes home cooking, so there's that I like music as well but haven't found anything I want to go to alone yet. NG and I have talked about going to a music venue but despite plans just before Christmas and have yet to figure out a new plan. I have thrown myself into work more than anything; I love what I do but I also need to pay the bills One of the first projects I undertook after LH died was to clean the garage. It was horrible out there. It's still not exactly where I want it but I am thrilled with what I did. I have redone a few things, like artwork and floor and furniture coverings. My next project is probably going to be the electronics in my family room as I'd like to get that up and running again. I want a greenhouse and have considered expanding my driveway and revamping my backyard. My brain is full of enough projects for two lifetimes, even without NG's involvement Others?

Hey TooSoon: I started a new thread over on the Beyond Active Grieving board. It's called 'Creating a New Now' and I quoted what I posted above about hobbies and such. Hope you'll pop over and help get the conversation rolling with your ideas!!

Hello everyone! I haven't posted in the Time Frame threads since first discovering this incredible community last year after my second husband died. I have spent most of my time on the Social Encounters boards as things have gone on and in one discussion, I posted this: Hoping to hear from you all with your experiences and ideas!

Anyone tried speed dating? I have seen a few ads on Groupon (yeah, right??) in my area. momto -- those flakes and rejections ... take them as you have: learning experiences. I think we've all been there. Once you take your break and decide to get back out there, consider checking some of the free sites as well and set it up to include people in your local area (or as far out as you are willing to travel). I found a very wonderful date on a free site who was close by. This tends to be more likely if you live in or near a larger region, urban area, or well-populated suburban area. Hugs!

Hi Klim and thanks for sharing. I guess it comes down to what you are willing to fall on a sword (for love) for. I mean, we should never settle but none of us is perfect. I think about if I get to a point of sharing space with my NG on a regular basis. I wonder about changes in routine to accommodate another human in the same space and all that. There are things I like to eat that he doesn't and vice versa. These are of course very mundane examples, but I am sure you can see where I am going. Couples have uncoupled over less I tend to be someone who adapts easily and I don't have many sword-worthy issues. I would say that it all boils down to communication. If he's really all-in, maybe he will be willing to fall on your sword more readily Hugs!

Interesting idea! If you would like to start it please do, or I can do it later -- am about to go walking with the group in a few

Happy Friday everyone! Glad we have this space to 'talk out' the madness of new situations One thing I have read pretty consistently is that for all this to work we need to have other things, like hobbies, to focus on. The idea is that if we don't have our own stuff to keep entertained with we can become needy or just boring. Like TooSoon said so well, we aren't new to the world. What sorts of things, besides work, school, or being crazed about your new relationship (lol) are you doing? I have become a kitchen maniac. I have tried more new recipes in the last year than I have in my whole life. My latest was grissini (Italian breadsticks) last night. I also called some friends who run a food bank and homeless ministry. LH and I used to volunteer there and I went back after he dies. Then they had to move and I had car issues but I have wanted to get back to it. I plan to be there tomorrow morning! I also go to the gym and have some friends there who are connected to me on social media too. NG watches the exchanges between me and my gym sisters and I also post about my local wildlife. What sorts of hobbies have you either taken up or gotten back to since the death of your spouse or since finding a possible new partner?

Thank you for that point, Trying -- the extra layer of LHs family is something I am still sort of dancing around. I sometimes mention my stepdaughter and I talk often about a cousin ... I haven't mentioned that she is actually LHs cousin because we are close. I also talk a bit about another cousin who lives in Texas but I think I said he was LHs cousin. LH had a very large family but they don't live out here so that isn't an issue. However, I think about if we get to a point of traveling back east together. He has a sister in Philly and all my relatives are in Jersey as are most of LHs. I know the first cousin I mentioned and probably my stepdaughter as well as a few others would want to see us. Only the cousin knows of NG with any detail. My mom knows of course. I don't know and honestly don't give it too much thought as we've only gone away together once and then only for an overnight within driving distance.