arneal

Sweetpea. I send you many hugs. Like Trying I have not experienced this. However, my first husband was horridly abusive. I was young. He too died at 42. Massive heart attack. Probably from being so mean. Had three other children by three different moms before marrying me. After he died, I cut all ties. Didn't write, didn't call, nothing. Sent back some things his oldest daughter tried to send. I wrote her a letter that last time, telling her that I had to move on because I knew her dad in a different light and it wasn't fair to her as a daughter who loved him for me to be around because inevitably it would come out. I haven't looked back. My second husband who died last year was very different because I learned a lot from the first go. I tell you my story to encourage you into the future, whatever it looks like for you and whenever you seek it. Know that you are among friends here.

Purging is cathartic. I have two broken vehicles in my driveway; I used my working vehicle to push the car into the garage yesterday and overnight decided I needed to shift some things around to have more room in there. I went through my lateral file and found some photos of the first husband and I. I found cards his family had sent us; they referred to me by a shortened version of my middle name, which I hated. They did it because he said so. I found wedding photos of us. I trashed them all. I moved things around and gave things away. I need for this house to be as mine as possible. I suspect my son's old room will be next. LH's daughter is the only one who's ever slept in there besides my son and I am not opening the possibilities for her to stay here. Things are as they are with NG and I just want to be the best catch I can

So sorry Love2 ... and momtokam, {{{hugs}}}

Great point, MrsDan! And can I add that loss of self-respect doesn't have to involve anything close to sex. So my first foray into the online dating scene, I 'meet' this guy who was charming and all that. We had good conversations. He supposedly lived in Florida and invited me to come visit. He would try to get me on video but when he did, he wouldn't have his camera on. He would send me these nondescript photos of himself, selfies at what was supposed (I guess) to be his house, in the car, a photo taken by someone at a meeting. He asked me to send photos as well. He once asked for photos that were a bit more risque than I would ever take. I took one of me, sitting on the side of my bed, wrapped in the sheets and nothing else. You could only see my shoulders and maybe a bit of cleavage, legs, nothing X-rated. But it's not something I would ordinarily do. Found out later he was a troll and yeah, I felt my self-respect had been dented. But it certainly wasn't the end of my universe and I moved on. Any time we do something that's out of our norm, that's maybe a bit over the top, we can lose self-respect. It's more about the head space you're in when whatever it is happens, rather than what is going on in that space. Having sex with someone, wearing something that feels too revealing, drinking a bit too much or drinking something harder than usual or drinking if you don't drink at all, taking weird selfies. It matters not -- any of these could make a person feel like their self-respect has been compromised in some way. And it's not anyone else's place to say that's what the act will result in. Or not.

I appreciate this conversation. I have to say that like MrsDan I didn't have a lot of dates but to be honest, I thought about the escape plan. Thinking back, it was a matter of if I got there, scoped out the scene, saw the guy, and if I didn't feel safe or got a weird vibe I planned in my mind that I would take off and text an excuse. I also alerted a good friend to the fact that I was going on a date and that I would have her call me for the rescue; I'd get the call at the table, do the 'I will be right there!' concerned voice, and excuse myself quickly. I never did either, but certainly had it in mind. Needless to say, I didn't have the 'part 2' planned out, having not thought about what if he contacted me again for a second try ... this dating thing is complicated, for me most often by my own doing it seems :-\

Thank you, trying2 -- I love how you said that. I have two photos of LH; one with my dad's photo (he died 22 years ago) and one with LH, my son, and me. I have one photo of my stepdaughter (still trying to come up with a reasonable way to describe her ... LH's daughter sounds a bit too cold still) when she was a baby. Other than that, there is more artwork rather than 'people pictures' anymore. A friend of ours once did a bust of LH's head. We put it in the living room when she sent it to us. I kept it there for a bit after he died but then I had to pack it up, along with the rest of the photos, and put it in a cabinet in my garage. I figure if stepdaughter wants it, she can have it. I suppose if she ever gets herself together to visit we'll have that conversation. In the meantime, I have the feeling a day is coming when I get rid of the furniture in my son's old room, paint it, and make it the dog room like I'm thinking ... which may come sooner rather than later

Yes, tybec, it is a change of label for sure. My problem is how others see me more than how I see myself. The expectation that I will always be LHs wife. It feels weird to talk to them about the fact that I've moved forward with my life because they haven't ... Sigh.

Thanks, hachi -- was recently diagnosed as going into menopause, so here's to the emotional roller coaster of that :

Yesterday was my stepdaughter's 31st birthday, but the thing that occupied my mind more than anything else was how tired I was of being labeled a widow ... I talked to her a few days prior and invariably the conversation turned to something about her dad. I wanted to say that while I remember what she was talking about, I don't think about those times much. I wanted to tell her that I've removed a lot of him from this house, that his presence is more of a comfortable memory than the primary spotlight of my life. I wanted to tell her that I have considered turning my second bedroom into the dog's room so if she comes out here, she'll have to stay in a hotel. I wanted to tell her that the tears I shed from time to time are not for her dad anymore but are because I have growing pains as I reclaim a life of not being a caregiver, which was a life she didn't really know about since he never told her how sick he'd been. I was tired of seeing 'widowed from [LH]' on my social media profile. I was tired of ticking the 'widow' box on forms. I held off as long as I could but before I went to bed last night I went in and removed my relationship status all together. It was strange because once I did it, the connection to LH was gone on there. It was an existential sort of moment. After all, he's not here, he can't interact. I didn't delete his profile. I still am the one in charge of it and can make changes to it. I am ready to not be the spouse of someone who isn't here anymore and I just want to be me again. I had to fill out something about a week or so ago and it only gave the options of 'married' or 'single' ... not even a 'prefer not to answer', so I ticked the 'single' box. I suspect that's what started it. I will always be a woman who has been widowed twice, but not today. Going forward until and unless the Path of life makes a way for me to be joined to another again more deeply, I will just be me. And that's my Wednesday so far

If I could wrap hearts around this quote, TooSoon, I would. I needed to read that today ... Thank you.

Thank you, Momof2. My first LH was abusive and so sex was not a thing I enjoyed. Ever. My second LH was very patient with me and taught me what was good about intimacy. He too had a lengthy illness but prostate cancer took his ability to have sex about nine years before he died. I was faithful and I suppose sex wasn't a thing because I was too concerned about his staying healthy. He's gone now and while I didn't jump out there, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to have sex with someone I grew to care about. I agree with you, Momof2 -- I have never felt so empowered as when I felt I'd reclaimed myself in this way. I have shared on a few other places about having decided to do some research on dating before I got too deep; I am in higher education so I research everything else, so it made sense to do it for my personal life. Ultimately, I came across several articles regarding this notion of the 'right time' to have sex with someone. Bottom line -- the right time is whenever it is, so long as it is not forced, coerced, or otherwise wrong. If you decide you want to sleep with someone on a first date, that's up to you and your potential partner. If you want to wait until you know there is deeper connection, that's up to you and your potential partner. If you decide to wait until marriage, that's up to you and your potential partner. See how that works? It's what the two of you make it. If you want sex, don't use someone for it. Mutual makes it better, no matter the 'when'.

Thanks so much, trying2. As NG has his own 'demons' to fight at this time, I think it's good to just be chill about the whole thing. I have other good things to focus on. For example, I have a new gym membership pending (and they have a swimming pool ... oh how I miss being in the water!) and I am due to be interviewed at the local university tomorrow for an anthropological exhibit focused on diversity in the city. I have a writer friend in Holland and we both have new sarees; I promised I'd send along a photo of me in mine, which I am wearing to the interview. I will break my social media silence to post the photo. Oh, and I broke it today to post a link to my pastor's sermon from yesterday I so appreciate this community. It is a great reminder that I'm not alone in these crazy feelings!

trying2 -- thank you. My son is strong, never sick. I made him smile when I said to him that since he never gets sick, I guess he decided to do it in epic fashion. Sigh! On NG, yes, I suspect it's something he didn't take off his phone. It's just that initial horror because I am such a tech nerd too -- anything I don't use on my computers or phone has to go to save space. Guess that's the 'anal' part of me LOL. To my own health, the last time I went to the doctor, he told me that I'm in pre-menopause; in addition to all the weird body aches, emotions are a bit out of whack as well it seems. It will be well but I need to breathe. I am not used to wanting anyone around like this and it's tough to balance my usual carefree way of being with a strong desire to have him in my life.

Hope you have a wonderful time, Sugarbell ... maybe while you all are doing fun stuff, you can encourage everyone to leave their mobile phones on off or leave them at the hotel ... think of it as an 'unplugged week'. Even if you or your NG have yours with you in case of emergency. That way, she can't get upset by what mom does. Just a thought.

Thank you so much for sharing, tybec! Your post touched my heart as this has been a roller coaster weekend for me. I apologize in advance for this long post ... Firstly, my son is in hospital with pneumonia. He's been there since Tuesday, had to be moved to ICU and intubated on Thursday because his lungs are so full. He's doing okay in the big scheme of things but since he doesn't live near me, I have to drive in quite a bit of traffic to get there. Emotional roller coaster, right? Anyway, NG came over on Saturday evening for dinner. I reached out to invite, he said yes. I was pleased because he was very much on time (he has occasional habits of being late). We had a nice dinner and a good evening. We went outside and were looking at the stars; we both have a like for all things science fiction so that sparked more good conversation. He told me about an app that I could put on my phone for knowing what constellations and planets are in the sky at any given time, which was great. As he searched for it on his phone, a bunch of apps opened at once, including POF. Now at that point I had two very visceral reactions. The first was a gut reaction of hurt. My mind started down that road of 'Is he still looking?' The second was more logical: we all come from different places when it comes to how we go about life. Having been hurt in relationship, my way of coping is to retreat, to stay to myself, to mope and cry until I feel better. For others, and I get that he is like this, his way of coping is to be prepared to seek comfort outside himself. He isn't the type of guy looking for instant gratification but is about making friends first. If things go sour, he's gonna look for a new situation. He's a slow mover and takes his time building intimate relationships. And I can't fault any of that. I didn't overtly react to seeing the app and the evening went on. In the morning, we talked over coffee like usual. However, he took a moment for a VERY intimate conversation. He has had some depression and physical issues going on and wanted to talk about how it was affecting me. He shared personal thoughts on the matter and said what he was going to do about both (counseling as a possibility for the depression and a doctor for the physical issues because they both affect our intimacy). He shared some history about what he knows is part of the psychological aspect to his present difficulties, which was also tough to hear from the standpoint of my first thoughts at seeing that app pop up on his phone because part of the conversation dealt with past break-ups, which of course made me start thinking the worst. But then he talked about how we could come together in a better way, what he would do and what I could do too. We talked about his birthday and places we (to use his words) needed to check out one day. He left like usual to start his week. Before I went to church and drove out to see my son, I sent him a text to say that I know it isn't easy to open one's heart and I have appreciated his trust over the last year (see how I slipped that in there? LOL). When I posted my social media update about my son (most of my friends and family don't live near me so it's the easiest way to give information), he was one of the first to react to it. So in the big picture, everything is as it was. But I've been an emotional wreck! I haven't cried this much in a long time. I feel so sensitive about everything; my neighbor-friend and I usually walk on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but she didn't message me this morning and I cried over that. Sheesh! The message at service yesterday was about wanting more -- more of God, more out of life. Yeah, I was all over that topic! This week, my goal is to get myself together, to focus on work and some things I'm doing around the house. I made a post on social media this morning about needing to have moments like this to be renewed, reborn. I am putting myself on a social media time out. These feelings right here are why I was so scared to date in the first place ...

I had a post here about my NG flaking on responding to my text. Of course after I post it, he responds. Yep, junior high ...

That's fair, trying2. It is true that being vulnerable does tend to lead to greater intimacy and if you aren't sure what you want your relationship to look like.

Love2 makes several great points here. I met my NG on a free site that offered the free upgrade portion for a weekend (sort of like those free communication weekends you see advertised on TV). When we 'liked' each other's profiles that weekend, we were able to chat for free. From there, we talked and traded phone numbers, and decided to meet for a lunch date. The first chat happened on like a Friday, the phone conversation on Saturday, and the lunch date on Monday. It's the luck of the draw I think and as Love2 said, increase the odds by increasing the connections. If you meet for coffee, you can get a sense of whether it's worth more.

klim -- thanks for sharing. In my continuing struggle to ask for help, I have gotten to a place where I do what I need to do and then talk about it afterward or if I would like an opinion about what to do and NG goes forth and does it, I grit my teeth and accept. I figure a day may come when he gets tired of me being cranky about his help and stops asking or doing, which may lead to him being offended deep down. I read somewhere that in many situations, men are helpers by nature. When the woman rejects that, the man is hurt because that's one way he shows he cares, even if he's not one to say I love you. Just a thought

Julester -- it would seem like it, but if you scroll back through this thread, you will find that unfortunately, ghosters pay for the privilege it seems :

Trying -- yes to the queasy! After my early yucky online dating experience, I became very cautious. I checked out NG before we met and there were no flags. It's sad that we have to go through such lengths to ensure we won't get tricked, hurt, or worse

So sorry Virgo and Julester. If you want to date, don't give up. Check the various sites, maybe adjust what you list in your 'looking for' section -- sometimes men (and probably women as well) don't put their best foot forward in the profile creation department. I had a horrid experience with the first person I was chatting up online (he was a fake and a troll) and the ones who expressed interest thereafter were weird (couldn't spell or used text-speak exclusively ... one guy was at the high end of my 'looking for' age range and only used text-speak. Yuck!), didn't read my profile with any depth, or were only interested in hooking up for sex (even though my profile clearly indicated I was looking or a long-term relationship and not hook ups). I went to another site and the first guy I encountered there fell into the hook-up category but I didn't give up and met a great guy. That said, there's nothing wrong with taking a break. Just be prepared for weirdness when you step back in the ring. You'll be wiser and can cut off the games more quickly All the best!

Happy belated Memorial Day all. Popped in to leave a quick update. I spent the weekend in my renewed family room and had a great time. I saw that NG had spent part of the weekend with some friends, playing guitar. Yesterday morning I got a text from him, saying he'd been a tad hung over from their shenanigans and wasn't in any shape to ride out, but that I could come over there if I wanted. I was in the midst of a few things but would pop over in the afternoon. We went to the store when I got there; he bought a bunch of bbq items and cooked for me, his daughter, and her boyfriend. We spent the rest of the evening talking and watching some tv; at one point he had to call his coworker about some paperwork and the schedule for this week. They talked and finally he told the guy that he had to go because 'his lady' was there. I was looking the other way so he couldn't see me grinning. So junior high. I ended up not saying anything about it actually being the anniversary of our first date. I made mention of his birthday coming in June and he sort of rolled his eyes with a little smile on his face and said something about people not being excited about their birthdays past the age of 12. I told him I plan to be excited about birthdays, even when I am 130 years old. We had a good laugh about it. It just reinforced what I had been thinking, that he doesn't celebrate much. However, I plan to take him to dinner or something around that time and already have an idea for a gift

Yeah, Sugarbell, ex's get weird when things seem to be going well with their former other signif. So sorry you are going through this (although my BA is in psychology and my EdM is in counseling education, I say this from a step-mom point of view). My LH's ex was strange like that for most of our 16 year relationship. Early in his illness, she took him to court for child support; he had received his medical retirement and had already had two operations for a pacemaker by then. In court, she verbalized out loud that she did not believe he was all that sick, that he was faking it not to pay. Part of why he owed more than usual was because back in the day she had gone on welfare and he was charged to pay it back. During that time, their daughter did not see much of that money as mom spent it as she saw fit. The judge looked like he wanted to kick her out and did not honor her request for more money while telling her that LH was in fact not lying about his health ... Another time, she came to our house so their daughter could do her hair. Mind you, daughter lived with mom most of the time and only came to us on certain weekends (by that time it was more often when they weren't getting along). I said she could but that they would have to do it in daughter's room, not my living room, in front of my big screen tv ... it was hot up there and before she finished, mom decided to leave. She made it down off the stoop and the sky opened up in a thunderstorm. LH and I laughed until we cried. Good times :

Thanks, trying! I was at the optometrist yesterday so I didn't do much work. I am catching up a smidge right now and then I will have that toast and some dinner, even if all by my lonesome The pups are so happy to have me back in the family room. I am just recalling that the first time NG came to my house, we sat back here. I like this room and even though the sound didn't work well, I brought him back here anyway. As the year has gone on, he's liked my techie side and is quite interested when I change things around. This will be a surprise, whenever he sees it. I think you are right about it being important to him as well; I think he's one of those guys who doesn't want to come across as too mushy about such things. I am attempting to be more attentive to these milestones as I have never been so previously and I think he's worth it