arneal

Yay, Rob -- congrats!

Well-said, Julester. I took a break, re-evaluated what and who I was looking for, and went back out there. Feel very fortunate to have found someone who, as you said StillWidowed, I can find a good place of compromise and understanding with.

So sorry to hear that your NG had a struggle, tybec. It is always hard when such difficult situations create inner turmoil, no matter what. That is interesting about the memory pop ups on FB. I don't get any pop ups related to my LH, maybe because I have no relationship status anymore. I got rid of widowed and have no status at all. Hm. Ah, vacations. With work, we haven't done like a whole week or anything, but since being in this relationship, I try hard to get a weekend away with BF every so often. And thankfully I get paid time off now, so occasionally take a day all to myself 😊

Sounds like some deep real life, tybec. Those are the moments when we realize if this is 'it' ... Anyone with plans for the 4th? I am thinking of asking BF to spring for some meat and to clean the grill since he's mentioned wanting to cook out. I am usually on stove duty so it would be nice to have him do it.

Agreed! It is possible to find a good connection when starting with (love it!) OLD. It's about perseverance for sure.

Thanks for that clarification, LF -- perhaps a better way to put it would have been 'include meet and greets in the arsenal' 😊 I was trying to get at the point that there are folks among us who do more than look for possibilities online ...

Aww, so sorry to hear -- {{{hugs}}} It is easy to say 'don't be discouraged' but it's certainly not easy to do. What is it that you want at this point? That also isn't always easy to describe ...

Sure -- although there are folks (I think Leadfeather is one) who prefer meet and greets. Others go to speed dating opportunities. You might get more shout out's than you know 😊 That seems wise to pass if you are not desiring just a physical thing and familiar is not enough. Totally get that!

Virgo -- why don't you start a new thread for non-online dating vents, laughs, and stories? 😊 And good for you, that you are dating! Yes, that is an interesting dilemma about the two formers asking for dates at similar times. Have you asked either of them what's going on in their lives to get a sense of motive? I often wonder if people come back because they see us as 'safe option' for those times in between other dating experiences, or if they are interested but not committed, or something else entirely.

Happy Monday all! Mike -- love every word right there 😂 We all react differently to stress. For some, not feeling capable of doing more at home is sometimes a coping thing. My BF is like that. He is quite helpful at times and at others seems not so much. When I traveled for work, I came home to a sink with dirty dishes in it, something he says he dislikes. I didn't do them; since he had been off work that same week and I said I'd spring for dinner when he picked me up for the airport, I didn't fuss. I didn't go to my volunteer Saturday to give myself time to recoup after the trip; I mentioned that I was wiped out, describing my week. He took care of the kitchen. I ordinarily do that and the house chores because I work from home and as Mike said, I think it's still a my house/my way thing since he's only been here since February. Plus, my dogs live all over the house except for the master bedroom so he is outnumbered in the mess-maker department 🤔lol. trying2 -- what tybec said ... and take care of yourself as well! And be sure to let BF know there better not be any lilies in the house when you get back from your mom! tybec -- good for you, having the conversation. The whole judge and power thing is tough. My LH plainly told his ex that he and I were together and that she would have to get over herself. He did not hide the fact that we were a thing but we lived in a small town where more people knew him than knew her so there's that. Keep doing what you are doing -- {{{hugs}}} We took a weekend away to celebrate BFs birthday early since it falls during the week and it looks like he won't be here because of work. It was a nice trip, wish it had been longer! I gave him his present today and he liked it. I plan to do minimal cooking while he's gone, back to how I did things before he moved in. Funny that the house feels empty without him here. Even the dogs feel it ...

That is a tough one, klim, especially if your sons don't interact with you in the same way when he is there. Might there be a way to include all the men in your life in things at your house? It might be that getting them all (sons, NG) to change the dynamic will, well ... change the dynamic 😊 How is it, having grown children at home? I am an only child and left home at 18; when LHs daughter came to stay with us as an adult, it was hard for me. I think it was a combination of not understanding why it was easy for her to live with her parents (she is now 32 and lives with her mom still I think) and having another woman in the house. I mentioned that I went to visit my mom at Christmas and it felt weird -- always has -- staying in her house. If I'd had the money, I would have gotten a hotel suite, had her stay with me there. The last time we (LH, my son, and I) went back east as a family that's what we did. We got a big suite with two bedrooms and a pull-out couch; my son had the couch, my mom had the second bedroom, and we had the master. BF sometimes laughs at how I do things an attributes it to the solitary life of an only child. Just wondering (rambling? lol).

^^^ This, trying2 lol! I am sort of looking forward to a couple of nights like that while BF is away working and imagine that's how the whole week was while I was traveling for work!

Yay, you, tybec. It's never easy to have such conversations and it sounds like you handled it like a champ. How is the having NG around all week going? BF came home early a couple days ago and I still crack up how we manage to navigate around here. Since I work from home, it feels weird to have someone here during the day 😅 It is interesting though how I have managed to get used to him being here. He left this morning for a couple days; work has him at a location that is nearly three hours away so he won't be home until Friday, at which point we'll leave again to go away for the weekend. It already feels strange, not expecting him to come through the door at some point this evening ...

Jules!!!! Yay!!! So happy for you. Take a deep breath, it will be what it will be. If he turns his back because his children are not immediately taken with you, that's a deeper issue that warrants caution anyway. chances are the kids will be, like yours, a bit shy. You are all new to one another. It's natural. But if he walks away at that point? Good to know. However, I would say that's one in a million and not to be overly concerned. Be your wonderful self -- the one who is comfortable around his friends you've met already. Don't overthink it because that is when problems arise. Thanks for sharing, tybec. So sorry the birthday thing is ... weird? I often think our new signif's have lived so very differently than we have that things like this can certainly rub the wrong way. While not such an extreme example, I have been away all week for work. BF texted me on Monday to tell me I could cancel the house sitter since he would be home with the dogs; he has been suffering from some pain lately and couldn't move well so had called the doctor. He texted again on Tuesday to let me know he had been taken off work for the week and so she didn't have to come at all. I was glad since that saves me money 😁. So I remembered early yesterday that it was time for the lawn service to come and that they would need access to the backyard. The house sitter is great about that but BF is never home to know. I texted to ask him to unlock the gate. No answer. Try the work phone, again, no answer. In the end, he had been resting and away from both phones, never checked them, and I missed having the backyard cleaned (the lawn service gets up all the dog poop back there). It's a minor thing sure, but when you have been where we are and then can't get in touch with a loved one? Well, the mind goes to strange places ... The other money-saving thing is that he will pick me up from the airport today, so no car service to get home. I did say I'd cover dinner on the way, so there's that 😅

What trying2 said, tybec ... although you live in the same town now, it might be good time to set clear boundaries. Your NG is probably overwhelmed by all that he is dealing with right now, so I don't mean necessarily to talk to him about it since, in many cases, talking is just what a guy doesn't need at such a time ... Your actions can make it clear though. Maintain your daily routine. Don't reach out, let him do it. Maybe send a 'good night, hope you had a great day!' text and leave it there. When the dust settles or during a quiet moment when you all go away next month, let him know that you get that he has a schedule to maintain, that you want to respect boundaries and will do so by staying out of it, but that once things do settle down after court (and who knows at this point what 'settle down' means), there needs to be some stability for everyone involved, especially you. That you cannot get put to the side when things seem inconvenient. His ex will always be his ex. She will probably be a you-know-what. You can't change that and neither can he. But if he is serious about this thing, he must work to make it work. I say that from a real space -- my LH's ex was horrid, even after we got married. I didn't care and lived my life. But when LH had to deal with her, whenever possible I was there with him. When his daughter got into that mode of wanting her mom, he would not take her back to mom's house ... he told her that he was her dad, he wanted to spend time with her, but if she wanted to go she would have to get her mom to come get her. Sometimes her mom did come and he would talk to the ex about what was going on and didn't care if she got mad. When he had to go to court, I went too. Also small town life. It was crazy hectic times but we got through them because he wanted to and so did I. And we both worked at it ... (((hugs))) darlin!

klim -- so glad he is okay. How are you??? I can relate; the first husband had a massive heart attack. My LH had congestive heart failure, which eventually (and after a much longer time than the doctor's ever imagined) led to other health problems and his death. BF smokes and occasionally gets on coughing jags. I think about it, about wanting to have a very long relationship at least once in my life. First go was about nine years (seven-ish married), second marriage was about sixteen years (almost 12 married). And certainly don't want to say goodbye again like that.

Your post hit close to my heart here, tybec, especially on the faith discussion. My church is pretty staunch on the whole unwed thing as well. I struggle, but am probably just rationalizing as we all do. There is no indication of legality in Biblical marriage ... basically people put themselves together. There was commitment and public recognition that they belonged to each other. Sure, we have legal marriage now and the Bible says to 'render unto Caesar', but it's an area I struggle with. I guess my living with BF says clearly where I stand, huh 😳

Enjoy, trying2 -- we are getting geared up for our weekend get-away at the end of the month. BF is home today; took off from work to get away from the stress. He has wandered in to see what I am up to from time to time but other than that has stayed in the family room while I work. I introduced him to the dog sitter, finally I am sure she and her mom had a lively conversation about that. They are sort of gossipy types and had never seen him so there's that. Never a dull moment indeed ... one way or the other ...

Needy -- I am so glad you and your NG are doing well together but so sorry for the other aspects. Be sure to take care of yourself and each other ... {{{hugs}}}

Oh, trying2 ... sending love and light. My mom had a breast cancer thing a couple years back now. They were able to remove it successfully. She takes some pills as preventative but has had no re-occurrences, no chemo, no radiation. Her BF/companion just had a pacemaker put in last weekend so they look after each other, for which I am grateful. It is wonderful that you are there for your mom; I am on the other side of the country so end up being a distant support. She says she is good with it but certainly likes it when I go back there. tybec -- you go girl! Excited for you. It's funny; I am something of a planner in that I think about as many scenarios as I can. When it comes to BF, I think about what it would be like to live together without marriage as well as what it would be like to get married or break up. Depending on the day, I am no more or less excited or mortified by any of the three lol. I managed to do something to my back yesterday. Spent most of the day on a heating pad while I worked. Was stuck to the couch with a bit of whiskey when BF got home. He was cranky from a long drive and annoying work day but was very sweet to me in my pained state. I went to bed early last night and he rubbed my back a bit when he came in. I am hoping to take it easy this weekend ... gotta travel for work in a couple weeks so can't go on long like this ... sigh. He already said he'd grab dinner on the way home, so there's that. Make it a great weekend everyone!

Hey there, duckie -- so sorry you've had to deal with impending loss in such a close-to-the-heart way. But glad to hear of the growth with you and your NG! Yay for you! Having had BF move in this past February into the house where LH and I lived, has been an interesting thing. I was just thinking this morning as I stood in the bedroom that it is certainly a new world. I had to smile because BF sleeps on the same side of the room as LH did. Uses the same nightstand and all that. His is covered with little things from his job, papers, and things. It reminded me of LH. I don't think anyone who has been where we are would get how heartwarming a moment it was ...

Happy Wednesday, all: hoping this finds you doing well. Interesting evening with BF last night. He was a bit cranky when he came in from work (to be expected since his commute with traffic, round trip, amounted to about six hours). I continued cooking dinner and doing what I was doing and as we were dipping up our plates, he said he needed to talk. He shared some stuff from the heart that he has been dealing with after the blow up with his daughter to reassure me that when he is distant it has nothing to do with us. I thought it was very sweet. It is hard at such moments to just listen ...

Happy post-Memorial Day all. tybec, hoping things were okay for your mom's memorial. Those are difficult times for sure. I think I've spent so much time handling things on my own and being the one others come to for a shoulder, I don't know how to lean on a shoulder myself 😳 Thanks, tybec and FW: Yes, BF and I have been under the same roof since February. He's already had two weeks alone here, caring for the dogs by himself, while I travel for work. Third time is coming in a couple weeks. My little 80lb boy tries to be as close to BF as possible but can cause anxiety, so BF tends to put them outside or in their room a bit more than I would. They don't seem worse for wear about it though. I've seen how they are with him in those spur of the moment times like when I come home from church and they are all sprawled out on the couch, asleep. I tried going to counseling after the first husband died. I have my master's degree in counseling education and the therapist they assigned me at the time was young enough to either be my little sister or maybe, had I started having children very early, my daughter. It was not helpful and did nothing but make me angrier. I did put my son in counseling but looking back from the space he is in now 20 years later, I wonder if it helped. He is such an angry young man. I got through and continue at times to have regrets about being with the first husband at all, wondering if I was wrong to bring a child into the world in that circumstances, but there is no way to stay on that spiral since my son is here. I love him because of that. I am proud of the progress he's made. I am grateful in a way for the entire horrible experience of abuse in that it made me stronger than I ever could have been without it. I was that hippie kid, all rose colored glasses. I am sure I have a harder edge than I need but that is the unfortunate outcome of the entire matter. My second husband was great and after he died, I felt no need to go for counseling. I just needed to care for myself as I had not done much of that whilst caregiving for him. I know it helps many but I guess it's the old adage -- the dentist is the one who has the worst teeth 😂 Yesterday was the official two-year mark since my first date with BF. We spent it doing next to nothing. I cooked a steak dinner. Didn't mention the two year thing but tried to make it a nice day, an appreciative day. Now wishing for an extra day off to do more of nothing. However, work calls! Have a great week, all!

Good for you, trying2 about working through what is small and what isn't. Not sure what our weather is looking like. It's been overcast and rainy most mornings but by early afternoon the sun is out. I have to travel again in a couple weeks for work and BFs birthday is the end of next month so we will take a weekend away. Should be fun. Today marks two years since our first connection online and Monday marks two years since our first date. How time flies ...

Oh yes, tybec -- the 'list' is not in stone for sure. I love to say it's about the vibe, right? If we get the chance to meet, will we feel that bit of compatibility that could lead to more (if the moons and stars align, if we don't turn out to be allergic to each other, if if if if) 😅 😁