Blending - Problems, Tips, Stories

[thejourney]

I am moving towards a blended scenario but very nervous about it. The more I read and hear, the more it sounds like such a difficult thing to do.  Would love to hear what challenges people have experienced when blending, and how you overcame those challenges.  I am thinking about all kinds of things - the kids, family and friends, money decisions, etc.

[Portside]

Oh my - where to start? I could write a book on the subject but today, I'll limit myself to just the blending of our families.

 

 

I suppose the big thing is you and your beau will have to decide how you will blend and to what extent. Of course, everyone has to decide what will work for them.

 

 

This is how we approached it: My now wife and I decided that we were going to be completely a nuclear family in every possible way. For us, that meant we would treat each child as our own ? so, education, finances, discipline, rules, and consequences would be applied as equally as humanly possible. As an example: there are no ?step-children? or ?half-brothers? for example, in our family. Everyone, no matter whether if it is me or my wife speaking refers to ?son?s? or ?daughter? ? never as a step-son or daughter. I believe it gives each of the kids a larger sense of belonging. My reasoning is so - each of them has already suffered at least one type of catastrophe within their lifetime. I, along with my wife, wished them to feel as connected to this new family as fully as possible all the time. Thus, no ?steps? or ?halfs?.

 

 

Blending the kids into one family was approached deliberately and firmly. Over time, our two ?legacy? families started to spend more and more time together and to do things together as one. We didn?t make the switch overnight but rather, we started slowly and then added events more and more over a few months until anything we did, we did as one family. We had the kids support each other at their sporting/school events and the like. We started going to church together as one too.

 

 

Oh, almost forgot ? we both had adult children that were already out of the house and living their own lives. We included them into the blending process also. For 20 somethings - ?Tony, this is your new brother, Jim.? only sounds odd the first time. Constant communication and telling the kids, adults and minors alike, this is the way we want it, is key. It?s a load of work but it can work if you keep it up. Sure, we had some push-back from one of the DILs ? but again, it can be worked out if you are firm but loving and explain why it is to their benefit to play ball with the parents.

 

 

We did not move in together until we were married although we had dinner together as often as possible ? which in our case was almost every day. I believe our choice cut down on potential trouble from the adult kids. No son wants to see his Mom shacking up with any man. I?m certain he knew what was going on but to keep to the appearance of the gentleman?s code, this is the way we played it. He never discovered an overnight bag at his mom?s house or one at mine. Believe me, he looked.

 

 

We spent a lot of effort on blending the daily family rituals that each of us had independently built over the years. Allowances for instance ? they started off with some differences but we erased them quickly and made them equal for all. Homework rules, cleaning chores, lawn duty, rules for driving, TV and media rules, acceptable levels of swearing (hey, I?m Italian ? what the hell?), respect for adults and each other, and on and on and on, need to be discussed, agreed to, and put into place. My sons had to learn what it was like to have a teenaged sister in the house (truth be told, so did I) and how to live with that. 

 

 

Equal but fair discipline was easier than I expect but I?m convinced that was due to my wife?s and my beliefs even before we met. We decided that each of us should/could and would discipline any one of the kids without needing to clear it with the other. That takes a fair heaping of trust but we both reached that point rather quickly. We did find that if one of us disciplined one of our non birth children, they seemed to be much more attentive to us and truly considered where they went astray and worked harder and quicker to resolve the issue. Of course, my wife was an special needs elementary teacher who can calm a rioting mob of 500 bent on murder and mayhem and have them holding hands and singing kumbaya in under 5 minutes. The woman is a saint. 

 

 

Finances as it relates to the kids. Again, we tried to be as equal as possible. We told each of them the same story regarding college/training after HS and what we were able to do for each of them. We took into account the differing amounts of life insurance proceeds each of them received and evened it out as best we could. Two went to college and one joined the Navy. My Navy son banked the entire amount.

 

 

The upshot of all of this is somehow, through the grace of God, the kids all get along with only one major blowup in the past 7 years. My sons, somehow, needed to have a sister to help smooth out the teenage rough edges and to (gently) urge them to shower and wash their hair and to be well-adjusted young men. Equally amazing, Mary needed brothers her own age to provide some insight into the young male mind and to help her confidently bust out of the lonely circles of her peers in HS. 

 

 

Sometimes, it just comes together. And for that, I am grateful.

 

 

Mike

 

 

p.s. ? more later if I have time

 

[anniegirl]

Constant communication and telling the kids, adults and minors alike, this is the way we want it, is key. It?s a load of work but it can work if you keep it up.

 

Totally agree. Be the parents. It's work. But it's worth it long run.

 

be completely a nuclear family in every possible way. For us, that meant we would treat each child as our own ? so, education, finances, discipline, rules, and consequences would be applied as equally as humanly possible

 

That's not everyone's ideal but from my experience, as much as possible it's so important that everyone feels that they belong and things are as fair and equal as you can make it.

 

We had my four year old and two young 20 something's. It took a good two years to get to a point where everyone was settled and comfy. It was not always work but when it was work - it sure felt like work.

 

I think blending is totally possible and worth making the goal.

[thejourney]

Thanks Mike. Seven years in - good for you!  Would love to hear more.  It sounds like you are both widowed .... in my case, my Ch.2 is divorced so 'step' is a mandatory part of the program.  Not sure if the divorce/widow is an added challenge or just something different.

[Melbar]

I am headed in this direction as well and have so many questions, but one in particular I'd like to ask that I think belongs in this topic.

 

The other night my BF said rather out of the blue that when we get married it will be important that he have alone time with his kids.  And while I agree - because I want that with mine as well, it kind of stung that he felt the need to point that out to me.  I think it hit on what Portland is talking about, the importance of making everyone feel equal.  I just found it to be a little insensitive, although that is probably me just overreacting to the fact that my kids have no dad. And he is already worried about preserving his relationship with HIS kids.  Understandable and yet kind of made me feel sad for my kids at the same time.  And made me miss my DH so much. 

[anniegirl]

Melbar, I dated a guy (for a very short while) who was adamant on his kid time. He didn't last for other reasons but the fact that he seemed to think that our kids were like his/her towels - and really expressed little interest in being a father to my child - rankled quite a bit.

 

After that, I assessed (and was upfront about) the fact that I expected any man who wanted to be with me had to understand that being a father to my child was not optional.

 

I know that many people do this. They keep parenting separate from their relationship but personally, I can't see how that would work with kids still in the house. Even though my older girls were both living on their own my husband and I wed (and he thought they wouldn't need a new mom), I have done a fair bit of parenting with both of them.

 

You might want to ask yourself why your boyfriend's announcement stung so much and consider having a conversation with him about it. Better than letting things simmer and stew.

 

No, you won't be his kids' mother but a step-mother is hardly an empty title when they are growing up under your roof too. And he is the only father (or father figure) your kids now have and, imo, they have the right to define that relationship and how much or little it means to them for themselves.

 

The majority of people I know (real and virtual) who've blended have managed pretty well. It's work, lots of communication and there are expectations for everyone involved. And yes, this can suck the romance out of a relationship, so remember to put that on the priority to-do list as well.

 

 

[imissdow]

Portside has excellent advise. I had a blended family with my DH. My first 2 came from my first marriage and we had the youngest together.  He always referred to the girls as his kids on occasion when bio dad came up he would admit that he was step dad.  He however never insisted the girls call him dad he was always Dowie.  In the beginning the girls weren't comfortable calling him anything else and titles really aren't that important.

It is hugely important that both of you present a united front. Do not let the kids play off you or each other.

 

It will take a lot longer and go a lot slower then you think it will. Just because the 2 of you are in love doesn't mean that the kids feel the same. In fact they won't and probably wont for a long time if ever but that doesn't mean that they are allowed to be disrespectful or rude. My girls are kind even to people they don't care for and I expected them to be that way to my DH. If this comes from both sides then even if there are no warm fuzzy feeling eventually  they will come to some sort of understanding.

 

The other thing is to keep things in context and have a thick skin. One day when my DH worked late the girls and I sat down for dinner. we were having a lovey time chatting about our day and just enjoying some girl time.  One of my girls  said I really like having dinner with just us. It's like it used to be, I miss that.  My DH happened to walk in at that time and was really offended.  He thought they meant that they didn't like having him in the house.  They were about 8 and 10 at the time and were just trying to tell me they were having fun.  He reacted badly, it took awhile to fix that.  Had he looked at thing from their perspective he would have realized that at one time all we had was each other and now they had more people to share me with him. Why would they not like having some mom time.  Taking even small short bits of time with just you and a kid or 2 is really important. That's were you really get to know each other and the relationship starts to solidify.

 

They say it takes about 5 years to blend a family. Things were just starting to come together for us when he got sick.

[Portside]

And a bit more:

 

 

Blending the living quarters: Begin to talk it over and jointly determine what is needed and what will work best for the family ? not necessarily best for you (or him!). I can only tell you what worked for us.

 

 

As I mentioned previously, my wife and I lived separately until we married. As her place was not big enough to hold our new combined family anyway, we started to prepare it for eventual sale. We had everyone pitch in according to skill ? paint, clean or box up the contents that we would be keeping. We decided that when we moved in together, we would live in my house. It wasn?t perfect given the number of us but it would make do for the time being. During this time we also planned the wedding. We kept it simple and low-key with a small number of guests ? mostly family. The kids were involved in both the planning and for pulling it off. They had a ball ? since they did most of the planning and actual work and were truly invested in the event, they loved it.

 

 

We got married, moved in together, emptied her place and put it up for sale. Combining households was, by and large, uneventful. The kids were already use to working together and they resolved the new living arrangements without too much trouble. Bathroom use was the biggest item but even that wasn?t horrible ? we just had to adjust to more people using them.

 

 

Six months in though, R. and I decided to buy a new place. Our current place was a bit cramped but the biggest reason was to provide a fresh start for all of us without any lingering baggage. So again, a big effort to remodel, clean and paint to put the house on the market.

 

 

We were fortunate to be able to search for and buy a new place without having the old one having been sold. R. and I searched for suitable homes in the same school district and once we found a few likely candidates, we took the kids through them. We knew we found the right one when they raced through one of them deciding who would be in which bedroom. We bought it and moved in over a weekend as it was just a half mile from the old house. We sold the old house soon after we moved into the new one.

 

 

Again ? the key for us making it all work was constant communication and making decisions quickly. If we didn?t get something right, we said ?Oops!? and tried something new right away.

 

Next up: Finances

 

[Sugarbell]

Port side makes excellent points.

 

Whether you like it or not...all these things need to be thought through and one the same page. I have seen several examples on the board of people blending families successfully.

 

Please listen to them.

 

And yes...I am in love/exclusive relationship....but know I could never blend. But that's me-not everyone.

[Portside]

Finances

 

Of all the items to consider when we combined our families, this one took the most time and effort. When we first met, our attraction to each other was obvious in an instant. When we discovered that we had many similarities with our approach to money and how we spent and saved, that made our connection even deeper. We both had been cursed previously with a spouse whose ideas about spending were wildly different than that of our own. For me at least, that fact was a constant source of friction between my late wife and myself. To discover that R. was in line with my own financial philosophy was just icing on the cake. But having said all that, it still required many months and an army of lawyers, financial guys and our CPAs to get everything in place in a manner that was fair to all and protected each of us and our children should the unthinkable happen.

 

 

End of life finances:

 

Both of us brought roughly an equivalent value of assets to our marriage. But, they were different in form; R. has a significant interest in an old family business. She also has significant pension assets. I have ownership of the family farm and homestead that I rent out (and do not live at). Additionally, I had more investments and investment income than R. Right off the bat we decided we would not execute a prenup. Neither of us liked the idea and it felt like ?I love you and trust you but. . . . . ?. Just not our cup of tea ? it wasn?t going to work for us. Your mileage may vary of course. We decided instead to protect the kids and each other?s interests through separate Revocable Trusts with each other as the Trustee for the other spouse?s Trust. In general, everything is under the control of the surviving spouse when (not if) one of us die. Yes, we trust each other to do the right thing for all of our kids. If we both go at the same time, everything will be divided up equally between the children. In both of those scenarios however, the family business and the family farm remain within the original families. (How this paragraph morphed into 25 pages of legal gobblety-gook in the Trusts is beyond me). Also, each of our remaining parents are elderly and in poor health. Any inheritances from them will go to their respective grandchildren. R. also has a mentally disabled adult brother for whom we are both guardians. Separate monies are split off for his care until he dies. Some college loans will be forgiven but we?ve made it equitable for all by not giving them as much cash. You get the idea.

 

One other thing ? we financed much of the payouts when we go by means of beneficiaries of life insurance and IRA contracts. They are non-contestable in court and will not be probated (and, as a side benefit ? no one can view them or how they were set up). Wills can be contested and all your laundry can be viewed by anyone with the $ to pay the copying fees at the courthouse. Doing it the way we did helps guarantee our wishes will be honored. While on this subject ? I urge you all to check the beneficiaries of any life insurance policies you have and ensure the beneficiary is who you want it to be. Back in the day I owned an insurance business and I can?t tell you how many times a spouse ?though? he/she was the beneficiary when in fact, they were not. Sometimes the money went to a person that absolutely loathed the insured and there wasn?t a damn thing anyone could do about it. Whether by oversight or by design, a beneficiary is what it is at the time of the insured?s death. Courts cannot overrule what is stated on the contract (most times) and the issuing insurance company does not ever buy into the ?but I deserve it? or ?It?s not fair? pleas. It?s a contract, pure and simple, and will be honored. If it isn?t on paper, it?s not real.

 

I guess the questions to ask yourselves and then resolve center around this: What do you want to happen when you or I die? Who gets what? What happens if we both die at the same time? If you have minor children, who will get them? Will you keep them together or will they need to be split apart? Did you check with the folks you selected to care for them? Can they do it? Do they want to??

 

All of our kids have recently reached their majority. We redid all of our paperwork to reflect that. No matter what one chooses, revisit the paperwork every five years or so. Circumstances change and so should your arrangements to reflect those changes.

 

Day to day finances:

 

Both of our monthly incomes are remarkably the same so, we decided to pretty much share all expenses. Just as with the kids there is no ?your money? or ?my money? only ?our money?. We do have separate checking and savings account but that is just for convenience sake. We each have co-signer rights on the other?s accounts. We discuss spending a lot and if anyone wants to buy something above about $200 or so, we talk it out. This is easy for us as I said before as we have the same financial concerns. We co-own the house/cars/credit cards and mortgage, CDs, IRA and investments.

 

It doesn?t matter how you do it ? this just works for us. But, you?d be wise to agree to some plan that works for both of you and stick to it.

 

There?s a lot more but this should get the mental gears turning.

 

Take a deep breath and get started. There is much to talk about ? actually it never stops.

 

Best wishes and good luck - Mike

 

[mmg19]

Thank you portside.  This is the most truly honest and helpful information I've read on blending families.

 

Finances.  We all know the statistics of the role finances play in divorce and marital problems.  When and if I recouple this info will provide a starting point.  Thank you for sharing.

[Guest mawidow]

Thanks for the timely topic - I am right in the middle of the blender!

 

For me, some of the hard parts have to do with the fact that there is an ex and kids and ex's parents and lots of history. I was used to being married to someone whose whole adult history was pretty much with me. I feel like his former life is so complex and my former life (without kids) was destroyed.

 

Meeting the ex and her new spouse was uncomfortable. (I felt like the new spouse and I were probably both eyeing each other thinking, "poor bastard.") Having absolutely no rulebook for what a stepparent is is uncomfortable (we are winging it based on the organic relationship that is developing). Adapting to a new set of "in-laws" who have a whole history with the ex is uncomfortable.

 

I'm basically saying, I'm prepared to be uncomfortable a lot for a while. I don't expect to feel comfortable, so when it happens it is a nice bonus.

 

Moneywise, I prefer to leave things separate for 6 months and then if we want to, we can reassess. We are still learning how our spending patterns mesh. It helps that both of us have the "no, let me pay" temperament, so we fight over who pays in a good way.

[Guest Mel4072]

Wow. Just wow.

[Melbar]

Thank you Portside!  There is the love side of this, and the thinking side of this and it sounds like with the right mix of the two, it can work.

[Abitlost]

.

[anniegirl]

Abitlost, I'm sorry. Blending is work and everyone has to buy in at some point to make it work. That doesn't always happen even when you do everything you can and need to.

 

I ran across this quote on FB today.

 

"You always think you could have done more. That?s why you need a friend ? to tell you you did all you could." ~Robert Brault

 

You're not a failure.

 

 

[Guest mawidow]

ABL, so sorry to hear. A blending broken heart is a doozy. Please be very, very kind to yourself and tender with your heart while it is recovering. At some point, it is healthier to move on than to stay and struggle. But it hurts hurts hurts. Sending support.

[mmg19]

So sorry ABL.  Be gentle on yourself.  I've spent a lot of time lately with a good friend who is going through the blending broken heart and knowing what she is going through helps me understand your situation.  ((Hugs))

[Abitlost]

.

[DonnaP]

We are in blending-central.

 

Two wids. Each with two children, in varying degrees of independence. Only one lives home with us at the moment. My two sons are 24 and 25 and each living on their own. Both have good jobs and pay their own bills, thankfully. They were both in college when their father died, so it was a progression to get them financially stable and footing their own bills.

 

My new husband has a 20-year-old daughter who is now in college. Plus, a handicapped step-daughter who is living in a group home. We pay for most of the basics for the 20-year-old, although she is incurring some of the college costs in the form of student loans. (Her tuition is free, due to the fact that I work for a university, so it's just room and board costs). 

 

Everyone had to make compromises in some form when we merged the two families. I believe my husband and step-daughter had to face the most change, because they moved into a new home, in a different state. To make things work, my older son had to give up his bedroom so his new step-sister would have a bedroom. Since he was planning to move out soon, anyway, it was a no brainer that he should be the one to vacate the bedroom. We fashioned a temporary bedroom in our finished basement, and he lived there for about six months until he got an apartment with a friend.

 

We re-did the bedroom, purchased a new bed and bedding and tried to make it as homey as possible.

 

Younger son has less transition stuff, but did have to get used to having a step-sister in the house. For the most part, they get along, but I would not say they are overly chummy. There are times when it seems they enjoy each other's company, and I'm glad for that. It would be extremely awkward if somebody didn't get along and people avoided other people, but I have to say that they have really all tried.

 

The only tension is in the form of my relationship with SD. It fluctuates from very good to a bit tense, mainly when she is moody and sarcastic. She sees sarcasm as a form of humor; whereas I see it as her excuse to be rude. But, for the most part, we get along and things are good. It's an adjustment. Getting used to a new person in your life, especially if you were not the one who initiated the contact in the first place, but were simply thrown together.

 

Not everything is totally merged. We still have separate checking/savings accounts, but are working toward combining at some point. We still have two sets of bills since he has not sold his house. It's a nice weekend get-away spot and makes visiting with his handicapped step-daughter much easier.

 

For us, being together is the important part. The transition is going to take some time. It's a work in progress. And we are ok with that. Rome wasn't built in a day -- haha.

 

 

[MissinGrizz]

We blended three teens last year. At the time yet were 12, 13, and 14. The 12 my daughter and 14 my son. My stepson is in the middle but the same grade as my son; both started two months after blending as freshmen at my school. My stepson's mom is blending on the other end in two weeks, which several months ago changed my stepson from being with us half time to full time, another adjustment. His parents have been divorced over a decade. It just oddly played out this way for the poor chap.

 

We sold both of our homes and purchased a large home with space for all. While I didn't want to upsize in my 40's, it was important to us that the kids had space as well as a feeling of ownership of all, as opposed to us moving onto one another's territory.

 

It was rough going at first, but realize that at this stage we can't expect them to immediately bond. We have almost dally family  meals, which helps, and practiced this weekly for six months before blending, each hosting meals for the other. I don't think the kids all love each other, but we are getting there. The regular competition and fighting have subsided, and my husband and I agree to discipline our own kids unless it's something simple like chores.

 

Neither of us expected to financially merge, but we did. It just made sense and we are both very honorable people that are also decently equL financially. I do keep the social security and life insurance money separate, which he prefers anyway.

 

Feel free to pm me if you are blending teens and want to chat.

[Abitlost]

.

[Ants]

I'm also in the beginning stages of blending families. It's been a very slow process. My chapter two guy has moved in and we just had our first family dinner. We've been together for a year. He was fully integrated into my life but his ex prevented him from letting him introduce his girls to us. Things are progressing through.

 

This post has given me a few things to think about though. We'll have to have a conversation around a few items. Thanks for sharing.

 

Good luck with blending.

[DonnaP]

Just curious -- is anyone else in a blending situation where the "ex" is deceased? In other words, who else married a widow/widower with children?

 

The dynamics in this type of situation can be different than that of a divorce, simply because there is no other parent to "butt in" or "help out" as the case may be. And the emotions of the children can be different. In my case, my step-daughter keeps an invisible barrier up, not wanting to get too close for fear that she could get hurt again (my gut assumption).

 

I'd be curious to hear from others in a similar situation...

Donna

 

 

[MissinGrizz]

No but my daughter does that to my new husband. I feel it's a girl thing.