Blending - Problems, Tips, Stories

[DonnaP]

I suspect you are correct, MG. Having raised two boys, I am not all that familiar with the issues that come with parenting girls. It's challenging, under the best of circumstances. Add in the fact that my SD lost her mother at the age of 15, and we've got an entirely new and unique set of emotional baggage.

 

I guess I need to be happy with the small victories we have won. Like the fact that SD doesn't act as if I'm going to take her Dad away anymore. I think she finally gets the fact that I'm here to stay, but her Dad isn't going to abandon her either. I've been trying to encourage some Daddy-daughter time for the two of them. Funny thing is, when I try to step out of the scene for a night (and go do something with a girlfriend, for instance), SD often makes other plans and ditches her father anyway   Then she will say something like: "but you've been encouraging me to see my friends..." Arrrgh! YES, but not on the one night that I'm not home!

[Guest Mel4072]

Teen girls are very frustrating. They will grow up just like boys do. My daughter loves my fianc? but doesn't want to integrate as a family. When I try to make plans for all of us, it's a guess on whether or not she will be involved. She has always treated him well and I believe she really enjoys him but she is stand offish when it comes to us acting as a family.  Good luck Donna!

[thejourney]

Has anyone found a good discussion board for blended families? (like this one). Any resources you would recommend?

[DonnaP]

I'm reading a book right now called "Stepmonster." It was recommended to me. I just started it, but it seems to have some good insights. I'll let you know what I think once I finish it

[MissinGrizz]

Journey

 

There are a few. Do not go to Steptalk as they are so negative!  Just mommies has an okay one, but I find a lot of examples of awful step moms...selfish. If you just focus on parts you like, it works.

[Captains wife]

I am far from actually "blending" in the real sense but does it count that I am trying to work out how to date plus have New Guy in my son's life ? New Guy is divorced but has no kids and has very limited experience with kids (as he has no nieces or nephews). I kept the two (my son and New Guy) separate for over a year (I am Ms Cautious) and just started "blending" them over the summer - i.e. we spent 3-4 days together at his summer house up North and he has started to spent partial weekends at my house in the burbs every couple of weeks. I suggested to New Guy a while ago we just keep my son out of the equation but he wanted to get to know him and include my son as part of the entire relationship. He was mildly insulted that I suggested that we keep our dating life completely separate.

 

But honestly I don't know where to go from here - I do spend most of my time with New Guy without my son (since we only see each other maybe once a week) which works for now. New Guy is good with my son but the situation is also a little awkward - for both of us. Admittedly, I am very pleased he is trying and making an effort - for example, I dread going to the local Halloween parade by ourselves (I didn't tell NG that) but out of the blue NG asked if he could come and march with us in the parade to support us. I was touched - but he also makes it clear on occasion that he wants our "alone" time. For me, it feels odd trying to blend my son with someone other than his father. But I want to be fair to NG as this is a big change for him too - he has never dated someone with a child before.

 

I am going to have to bring my two worlds further together somehow...and don't know how to do it or how I want it to take shape. Unlike others on here, I don't see co-habitation happening any time soon and marriage isn't on the table.

 

I just needed to get these thoughts out. Maybe I should just quit over-thinking and go with the flow for now....

[Trying]

Captains Wife, from one cautious over thinker to another I will say that none of this is easy!  New Guy is starting to spend a little time here with my kids and sometimes with his kids too and we have moved extremely slowly.  We don't do sleep overs because my kids are older and I don't feel comfortable having that be so in their face.  We are definitely working towards blending but not for quite some time still and I am actually entertaining the idea of marriage which I originally never thought I would. My kids are the primary reason that we are moving so slowly but I think it's good for me too.  I still have some things I want to work on in myself before committing myself to "till death do us part" again. I would love to be more go with the flow, but that's really not who I am and at 46, I'm probably not going to change.

 

Keep doing what feels comfortable and enjoy that alone time with NG too, it's important in a new relationship.

 

[Sugarbell]

When I read thru this thread periodically....I realize that I have no desire to blend.

 

I love NG..he loves me...my life is pretty crazy/hectic...I honestly can't imagine taking on a live in or a husband right now. That's just my situation with 3 kids. I am pretty frazzled juggling the things I have. I truly can't imagine juggling a new husband in my 40s.

 

But I want to be with him...and maybe after a kid or two graduates I will feel differently. Right now I am enjoying the moment and am pretty content with the way things are. 

 

But I know I am weird.

[Trying]

Not weird at all Sugarbell, you know what works for you.  For me, I like being in a partnership, that's what I knew for 20 years. It's only been 2 Years for me but I think, especially recently, I have proven to myself I can do it on my own.  I like my time alone with my kids, I like my time alone with NG, but I really like the thought of coming home to everyone in one place. NG is the last person I talk to every night and it would be so much nicer to do it across the pillows instead of over the phone.

[momtokam]

I have no experience in any of this blending discussion but I love hearing how you are all making it work for your situations.

 

We are all different and need and want different things.

 

No need to over think things. If it feels right to you, then all is good!

[kjs1989]

Interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. It is truly awesome how it can come together so well  for some people. It just seems so hard to me.  Everything... the finances, the kids, his ex, and simply the the day to day. I actually see the kids as the biggest issue. I have to say, he is wonderful in so many ways, and I feel selfish to say he is so much better with my  baggage than I am with his. It keeps me from moving forward. I hear about others and how well their kids all get along, but it truly concerns me that my three kids ( one older teen and two early 20's) have nothing in common with his kids, roughly in the same age brackets. I mean, NOTHING in common. Night and day in lifestyles.( I will just leave it at that! ) I  just can't begin to even see them as step-siblings. Sharing holidays and birthdays together? Wow. The thought of it is just weird. I am not sure where to go from here, because I truly love him after 2 1/2 years, and he very much wants to move forward. I feel stuck and it sucks to think this may be as far as we go.

[anniegirl]

kjs1989, do the kids not get along? Or do they just not know what to do around each other? Former would be a problem. Latter is more a matter of time.

 

I don't have anything in common with my own siblings aside from our shared history. It's the history that makes it possible to spend holidays and such together b/c I would never choose ppl like them as friends. 2ish years is not time enough for much history. That will come though as long as everyone "plays nice".

 

Your kids are adults or nearly so. You won't get to pick their partners. You'll simply deal. Same should be true for them. imo.

[kjs1989]

anniegirl, thanks for your thoughts on this. Our kids were raised differently for one thing. G's ex did not believe in discipline. Their parenting styles were just one of the factors in their divorce. After the split, G's daughter stopped the weekend visits to G entirely as he had rules as to when she needed to be home, who she hung out with, school attendance, etc. So, he had very little contact with her during her early and later teen years. She was smoking at 13 and became pregnant at 15. A string of loser boyfriends followed, and still does, now that she is 21. Her six year old son is a complete terror. G's son is hopefully headed down a better path as he does spend considerable time with G, but he is somewhat antisocial with very few interests, gets in trouble at school, is extremely obstinate and angers easily. G gets no cooperation from his ex in dealing with these issues. She will say "black" to his "white" everytime.

 

So, Thanksgiving is coming. What to do. I had TG at my house last year and invited his kids. I have no idea what to do this year. It just was not a pleasant day. His grandson terrorized our dog, tore my house apart between meltdowns and G "tackling" him on the floor repeatedly to try to contain him a bit. G's daughter barely spoke two words to me the whole day, offered me no help, disappeared outside to smoke every 30 minutes, and rolled her eyes everytime her boyfriend opened his mouth. They bickered back and forth throughout the entire day. The boyfriend lacked basic  manners and made obnoxious comments all day.  G's son ate dinner silently and disappeared  before dinner was finished to play video games by himself.  It was apparent my kids did not enjoy the day, but tried to be philosophical about it for my sake. My oldest son, said, "Wow, little bit rough of a Thanksgiving, huh, Mom!"  My other two kids asked if we could " maybe not do this next year." G was embarrassed I could tell, and also mentioned it being an exhausting day. Yep, to say the least. It was exhausting and unpleasant, It took me a week to recuperate. Ugh. I love him, but not his baggage.  Truly an issue if we are to move forward.

[anniegirl]

My oldest step-daughter's ex had a family like that. His father's GF basically dealt with it by arranging either separate gatherings or by moving gatherings to neutral settings - like a resturant. The benefit of the latter option is that it vastly shortens time spent together and being in public sometimes tempers ppl prone to atrocious behavior.

 

But if this isn't possible or still sounds too daunting - take a holiday. I know ppl who use holidays to neatly avoid family gatherings and cover their tracks by saying "it's the only time we can get away, so sorry".

 

There's no good reason to spend awkward and emotionally taxing holidays with anyone just because they are related to you in some way.

 

And by the way, your kids sound lovely.

[kjs1989]

anniegirl, I agree entirely with you. Restaurant gatherings vs  home gatherings is exactly one of the solutions I am considering. And yes, I am guilty of avoidance somewhat. The kids and I are leaving town for Christmas to go see my sister so at least then I won't have to deal. We did that last year, too. Unfortunately, the dynamics of our family situation is never going to be ideal. I recognized that very early on and it gave me pause in pursuing the relationship. I even mentioned it to G, saying more or less, wow, our kids are so different... I just can't see them ever hanging out or really having much in common. His answer was that kids grow up...and leave home, and that ours were at the age where that was soon to be a reality. Yes, true, but it would still be wonderful to have a bit of a cohesive and congenial group who enjoy spending time together.

 

And thanks for the compliment on my kids. They have their issues, too, believe me!! But I will say that they have had to grow up and get over themselves the past three years in order to move forward. No choice! I'm sure others on the board would say the same about their kids.

[anniegirl]

kjs1989, it is nice to have a family that enjoys each others' company, but that's not everyone's reality, so don't let that hold you back. You and G can still have a future that includes all the kids but just not all at the same time.