Scattering Ashes - any Top Tips you can share?

[Brenda]

I'm coming up to six months...soon to graduate from the beginner's forum and move on to the next one.  Kind of proud that I made it this far, because five months ago I had absolutely no idea what was going on.  Things do start to settle down, don't they?  Life will never be the same again, but a new normal does start to show the first signs of arriving.

 

Anyway, I need to scatter her ashes.  I know where, but I have yet to open the container she's in and figure out the practicalities of this.  I've read that it's not "ashes" as such, but more like bits and pieces.  Messy, too.  I've never scattered anyone before, nor been present when anyone else has been scattered.  Literally no idea what to expect given than the only time I've seen it done is in a few movies where inevitably some mishap occurs and ashes end up all over the scatterer or something similar.

 

Is it an occasion that brings back terrible memories, or more of an occasion you found brought some closure and a sense of moving forward?  A sense of relief now that the last step has been completed?

 

Thoughts and ideas would be greatly appreciated!

[Wheelerswife]

Brenda,

 

My heart goes out to you.  I've never scattered ashes, but several others have and I hope you get some responses from them.  I'm at 18 months out and I'm about to inter half of my second husband's ashes next to his late wife.  The anticipation, like many things, feels pretty intense.  I hope that the day goes well and there is some sense of relief afterwards. 

 

I guess my point is...anticipation is difficult.  Not sure about the rest.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Carey]

Brenda, my husband died in November 2013 and was cremated.  I had them separate the cremains into three boxes.  One was buried at the cemetery (he was a veteran and I wanted him to have the stone).  Then, on Memorial Day 2014 I took one of the boxes to "our place" at the beach (not legal but its one of those things people really don't get onto you about. I was just told not to make any formal announcements).  I put the contents of that box in his favorite ballcap and we had friends and family gather on the pier and we passed the hat around and each person got a handful and let it go out over the river.  It's white, and very fine. There may have been a few "chunks"  but really, it's not messy or even "gross" . It's like chalk dust. I did kind of freak about what was on our hands, I didn't want it just washed down a drain, so someone grabbed a bottle and filled it with river water and we held our hands over the river and washed our hands off. We played that Luke Bryan song, "Drink a Beer" cause Lord did that man love his Milwaukee's Best. Everyone had a drink and we stood there as the sunset painted the sky ... it was spectacular.  We all shared funny stories and memories about Chad and just relaxed and laughed. I think he would have LOVED it.  I won't say it gave me closure, but on that pier in that moment, I felt the first tiny bit of peace with him being gone.  Leading up to the day was dread, but really when it was there it just felt right.  I think it had to do with the time and place and people there.  I just thought about what HE would want, and it was almost, dare I say...fun? To remember him with such joy and laughter. I won't say I didn't cry, and others did too, but the overall feel to the evening was remembering the blessing he was when he was here.

[Brenda]

I hope her day will go like that - surrounded by family and friends and a great atmosphere.  Bottle of water is a great Top Tip.  I'd be brushing my hands on my pants or the grass otherwise.

 

And glad to hear that you at least found some fragment of peace - I'm still hanging on for closure, but I'm starting to think that closure doesn't exist for losing a spouse.  Peace is about as good as it gets.

 

The next sunny weekend day, it's on.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Ashes, those who were close to her, and a couple of bottles of Champagne: I think she'll have the send-off she would have wanted.

 

 

[serpico]

This is not meant to be silly or funny, but make sure it's not too windy...

[hachi]

Actually wind can help as long as it is in the right direction. Of course it depends on what you are doing. If you are sprinkling a ceremonial amount, then you are right, wind is not good.

[DansSoulmate]

I wanted to share that I too was a little scared about what was inside the box but as Carey said it's a rather fine white dust.  We've done a number of things with Dan's ashes but all in keeping with what he asked and then added a few things that I thought he would want.  During his memorial service my two daughters and I spread some of his ashes in a V shaped trench/dug out area (v-twins, he was a harley mechanic) in our backyard.  I let a really good friend lead the toast but little did i know he would turn around and pour some on Dan's ashes.  Sorry if some feel that's bad, but it was totally Dan...we laughed and knew that's how he would have wanted it..not too serious or sad.  Since then he has been taken to the beach after the sunrise service on Easter (it was windy) so even with my best efforts some did get on the leg of my pants but it lightened the seriousness of the moment.  And he took a ride with his best friend on his motorcycle to Tail of the Dragon and back to where he (and I) grew up.  I'm going to keep taking him with me wherever I go for a while since I have quite a bit left.  So for me it's not really closure as much as perhaps a way of keeping a part of him with me to share in my travels to places we wanted to go together and to be with me for happy moments.

[donswife]

such great advise

thanks for bringing up the subject

I will be spreading don's ashes next fall (would've have been our 25 th anniversary)

but his friends that went with him to Alaska to go fly fishing are going again this sept

and they want to bring some of his ashes to spread ...love that idea

hope all goes well for you with spreading your Brenda's ashes

[Jen]

Hi Brenda,

 

The day I got the urn with my dh's cremains last year, I opened it and-- weird as it may sound-- scooped a small amount into a little vial, which I then wore inside my bra (don't laugh-- or go ahead, if you need to; dh was a "breast man" anyway, and I'm sure he was giggling madly at it!) for the next several months. After some time, I found that I didn't need to have his physical remains with me at all times, so I put the vial on the dresser beside his urn. (I never used the spoon for anything else, either!)

 

Two weeks ago, I took my family on a road trip to southwestern Colorado, to Mesa Verde National Park. I lived out there when I was a kid, and it's always held deep meaning for me. I wanted to take Jim, but we never got a chance to go. Instead, I took that vial of ashes. He knew I had requested to have at least some of my own ashes scattered on top of the mesa some day, so I'm sure he knew what I was intending. I took the vial up to the highest point in the park-- 8,572' above sea level (ironically, Jim was born *at* sea level!). The views of the La Plata mountains and the desert are stunning-- it was a gorgeous day, with a nice breeze and lots of sunshine. The sky was an unbelievably blue blue peculiar to summer skies over that mesa-- it really is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Two of my kids walked up with me (number three isn't a hiker, but neither was Jim, and I know he understood), and we just stood and basked in the peace and loveliness for a few minutes. I found the precise place I wanted-- I felt it, if that makes sense-- and scattered the ashes. The wind picked them up and carried them a little way, over some rabbit brush that was blooming. Just then, a yellow butterfly appeared, fluttered around us a minute, then went on its way.

 

Just my recent experience. I don't know if I'll repeat it-- there's not anywhere else I really want to take him. His mother already spread her portion on their family's farm, so he's "home" there too. I've considered having some of the ashes made into one of those memorial gemstones-- I think my Jim would like the idea (he also suggested pencil lead and soap, both of which can be made with cremains), but I don't know if I'd ever be able to afford it. Meanwhile... he's at peace, and so am I.

 

((((Hugs))))

[cmf]

Four years ago today I scattered DH's ashes. It has weighed heavily on me all day. He was fairly specific about where he wanted to be--the old growth rain forest of Olympic National Park. It took nearly a year after his death to get him there. Our very dear friend, who has scattered too many people's ashes given his age, my brother, and I hiked a day and a half into the rain forest. We found a really beautiful spot not too far off the trail and I would say dumped out the bag more than scattered at the base of a lovely tree. I took a picture and grabbed the GPS coordinates, though I am confident I will never return. I buried a stone plaque next to the tree with his name, the years of his life, and a poem by Pablo Neruda etched on the stone. We did have a permit for the ashes. I understand some national parks will issue permits and others will not. It may even depend on who you talk with on a given day. We didn't stay at the spot for long. After hiking back to the campsite, we had a shot of tequila and burned the bag that contained the ashes along with some tequila. It went about as well as could be expected. It was somewhat difficult for me because it was the fulfillment of the last promise I made to him. After getting him to where he wanted to be there was nothing left for me to do for him, but as I have said many times since then he may not be in a better place, but he is certainly in a pretty place. I sent a picture of the tree to his oncologist as a thank you present for all that he did. I later heard that the picture hangs in one of the exam rooms and has brightened the day of many patients, though I doubt they know the significance of the tree.

 

From my years of hearing about people's experiences with ashes, the only thing I can say with certainty is that everyone will have a different experience with the task. I hope it brings you peace.

 

 

 

 

________________________________

VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

[Brenda]

It's done.

 

All went well.  Beautiful day, perhaps a little too windy (the very fine dust tends to swirl around), but she's where I wanted to put her, and where I think she'll be very happy.

 

Emotionally, it had its ups and downs, but there's a definite sense of peace and closure afterwards.  As with many unpleasant things, the act of doing them is far easier than the worry that builds up beforehand.

[Wheelerswife]

I'm glad this went well for you.  I buried half of my husband's ashes a few days ago and it was heart-wrenching.  I'm still recovering. 

 

I'm hoping for that sense of peace and closure you have experienced.

 

Maureen

[Lmsmdm]

The wind is real, I remember reading some horrific, also hysterical recants of ashes gone wild ha ha. Just be mindful of its direction and stand upwind.

 

I'm glad your day went well!!

 

Big Guy is in multiple locations. I decided early on I was taking him not only to his favorite places, but also every new place I travel. In the meantime, he resides in his velvet bag on his work bench in the garage. 

 

For future readers of this post, I recommend that you do familiarize yourself with the ashes before your ceremony. I remember reading that before I buried the first batch. I was glad I did.

 

I remember feeling numb before, during, and after. No emotion, it was just mechanical. I now feel more at peace when I take him. I also remember planing my best bat shit widow crazy if they tried to take my small container in security at the airport ha ha.  Then I read how to take the little certificate with you that the funeral home gave you. It's in that pile of papers you have somewhere. As it turned out, there was no need for bat shit crazy or the certificate. It is probably a very common occurrence.

 

Once again glad your day went well, (((((hugs)))))

[Catherine]

Phil's parents live 4 hours away from me, so we agreed to split the ashes into two parts, I thought this was only fair and everyone was happy with this

 

For my half, we went into the woods in an area he used to work in a lot.  He was a tree surgeon, and the people he worked for had a plot of land where they grew Christmas trees, and it was a really lovely spot that Phil loved.  The people he worked for also gave us a tree to plant, so what we did was plant the tree and put his ashes in with it, so in theory he would grow with the tree.  His family and our friends loved that idea.  I don't go there very often, just around birthdays and things.  We have hung a few bits and pieces on the tree too.

 

The other half, there is a church gardens near his families house, where they got a bench and plaque, and we made a day of that too.

 

You just need to do what's best for you  I personally think it's nice to have somewhere you can go and think of them

[Jen]

Phil's parents live 4 hours away from me, so we agreed to split the ashes into two parts, I thought this was only fair and everyone was happy with this...

 

This is what my in-laws and I did. I have half of Jim's ashes in a big urn on my bureau. They divided the rest between two miniature versions of the same urn, and then his mom scattered some at their family farm. I have a plot at our family cemetery, and one of these days I might even get around to getting a headstone for us, but I didn't see the point in putting any of his ashes there. I've told my kids to cremate me and combine my ashes with his-- after that, if they want to put some in the cemetery, fine. Otherwise, they can scatter us wherever they see fit. The only place I really want to be is in Mesa Verde National Park-- I took a little vial of Jim's ashes out there and scattered them back in June. I always wanted to take him there-- I waited too long. :-\

 

Sorry... just realized this is basically a double post. Oh, well.

[Guest nonesuch]

Be mindful of your surroundings.

 

I remember reading about this shortly after LH died. I wish I could remember the exact wording of what I read. In effect, it said that scattering cremated remains wasn't allowed at X location.  If you did it anyway,  do it off the main path, because if another visitor saw something that could be identified as human remains, or realized what you were doing, it would be unsettling for them. I think it was a state park.

 

So in essence if you're going to flout the rules, be discreet about it.

 

[Jen]

That's what I did-- I was in a national park, and honestly, I have no idea what the policy is. So I found an isolated area and made sure there was nobody around. I only scattered a small amount, and it just took a few seconds.