Broke up 😢

[Momtojandj]

11 months. I have talked about him thru here. I'm sad, hurt, heartbroken . He still is texting and calling me, not sure what will happen. He has a few close women friends, he denies he has anything more with them. One in particular, calls a lot, texts a lot. I listened to a voice mail, where she called him babe , and said she loved him. With a few other things, that was the tipping point for me. I have mentioned feeling insecure about his "friends " and feel he's put their friendship over my feelings at this point.  just sad and haven't cried this bad in a long time .

[Mac]

(((Momtojandj)))

 

[Trying]

I am so sorry for your heartache.

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry.  Breakups hurt so much. 

 

Edited to add: but it sounds like you completely did the right thing.  Very smart move. 

 

Edited again to add that DH once said to me that not only would he never hurt me (he meant cheat), but that he'd never even give me reason to worry that he would.  That is a man.  Even if this guy isn't doing anything wrong (unlikely?), he's given you reason to worry that he is. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Just wanted to pop in and say that I am sorry you are hurting.  We've been at this for something along the same time frame and I've kept up with your posts always. 

 

You did the right thing.  You followed what your instincts were telling you to do, and sometimes, no matter how hard it is to put our trust in them, they're called instincts for a reason. 

 

Still, wish I could make the hurt go away. 

[Momtojandj]

So today has been long, no sleep, and crying leads to a huge headache. He has been calling and texting all day . I listened to him, agreed to talk. Still very confused and hurt . Time will tell what happens . He is the first guy I fell in love with since hubby . If it is meant to be it will, if not I hope to walk away with not so much hurt and pain .

[Trying]

I wanted to added a little personal experience but I will preface it with saying I believe you should always trust your gut.  I obviously don't know the inner details of your situation.

 

I have several couple friends who DH and I were, and I continue to be, very touchy and lovey.  Meaning we hug and kiss, say I love you, maybe a pat on the bottom in front of the spouse in jest and many jokes of a sexual nature.  Always in front of the spouse, never an inappropriate moment when alone.  New guy has met this group and I warned him ahead of time about our dynamics but predicted they would respectful in front of him which they were, but a few slip ups as the night went on everyone was more comfortable.  New guy was not threatened by this, took it for what it was based on the reactions of everyone else it was obviously innocent.

 

On the other hand, my son has a friend whose Dad is divorced and a serial monogamous since, falling in love over and over.  He would text me often, checking up on me and the boys and what we needed help with.  No flirting or joking inappropriately. New guy said "he wants you". I said, "you're crazy". Fast forward a month or so and the guy asked me out saying we could make a great family! 

 

My point is, his gut was right.  Not in his trust of me but in the situation, something I didn't see.  Innocent flirty banter didn't bother him but something about the other exchange did and he was right.  I no longer text that guy, even though he accepted my refusal, out of respect for new guy.

 

Im sorry this hurts so much and his calling and texting is probably causing you a lot of confusion. 

(((Momtojandj)))

[Abitlost]

Hugs!

[Guest mawidow]

Momtojandj, I wish you some breathing room and peace this week. Not easy to come by when things are still in process and still fresh, but self-care and space are so helpful.

 

When I started dating, I thought, maybe I don't need someone who is quite as "safe" and devoted as DH was. Maybe that was for my first marriage, but the new me can deal with something less. I stayed with someone for almost a year who always made it seem like the ground was not solid.

 

I was mistaken: I do need someone emotionally safe and devoted. It's a beautiful thing and nothing less will do.

 

Big support to you! Cry to us all you want.

[Captains wife]

Momtojandj, I too have read your posts on here re your new relationship and I am so sorry you are hurting. Going through loss upon loss is painful. I have been through something similar so can understand your trust issues. One of my new guy's closest friends is a woman that I don't know and they are in touch regularly and hang around the same crowd- and given things in my past, I had a hard time getting comfortable with it. It sounds like your guy's female friend is crossing boundaries that aren't fair to you and he isn't handling it well at all. It's fine for him as he knows the situation but it's not fine for you, and why would it be? Instincts are all well and good but sometimes our fears can also distort them, as I have personally found. If you feel comfortable with it, it's worth talking to him and hear his side of what is going on. I have also found that sometimes you need to lay your cards right on the table-explain what is bothering you, why and what your proposed solutions are. It's very likely nothing is going on with this female friend but both she and he need to be more respectful of your feelings. If he can't see that, then that's an issue. Wishing you all the best in whatever transpires-you deserve what you want and need in Chapter 2. PS - my first break up post widow was initially very painful but I did a couple of things to help myself, including taking some down time, exercise, keeping distracted, deleting his contact details plus reading self help break up books. Now, I never even think of this guy. Hugs to you...,,

[SimiRed]

(((Hugs)))

 

Yes, this hurts, but if he's still leaving a door open for other "close women friends", he will never be committed to only you anyway.

 

It's okay to hurt and cry.  Don't let him hurt you again, confusion is normal.  Tell him you need some time and space without any communication and focus on how you feel about him then.

 

From my experience, the more you talk to him and text him, he will pull you right back in and you will once again feel like you are his most important "close woman friend".

[Carey]

I'm so sorry   It sucks to think that after losing a spouse, that there is still even more hurt to be had sometimes before happiness rolls around again.  My best friend is a guy and his wife and I are friends, but not as close as he and I are. I am very blessed that she understands our relationship and includes me in so many things.  I wonder all the time were the roles reversed would I be able to be as gracious and trusting.  It's just not something everyone is able to do and it really depends on the individuals involved.  I can see though how in this relationship that history and bond of marriage is not there with you and new guy so the relationship doesn't feel on steady ground with these other "friends" around. I agree with others though, try not to let him pull you back in if nothing is going to change. 

[SoVerySad]

I am sorry you are hurting! Sometimes the right decisions are really painful.

 

Tight hugs...

[StillWidowed]

You must stay strong and follow your gut with this guy.  I know that's hard to do.  Trust me.  We get sucked back in and want to believe it will be different.  But deep down, you know he's playing you.  You know he's not giving you the love, respect, care and trust that you deserve.  You may even talk to him some more and continue to see him while you sort this out.  But please don't entertain the idea that this man will change.  He won't.  And it really pisses me off when people screw with us wids.  We've been thru so much already.  How dare they play with our hearts.  So that being said, don't let him feed you lies and manage down your expectations while you continue to feed his ego.  I know you're lonely.  I know you're hurting.  But he doesn't get to continue to jerk you around while he puts his other "friendships" over your feelings.  Period. 

 

Much love to you.

[Sugarbell]

Have you met these friends? Do they know about you since you've been going out almost a year??

 

I am so sorry...I know how bad it hurts. It may have been innocent and nothing to it...but if your gut says it's not innocent-I would listen to my gut. Even though it's risky getting sucked back in...I would hear him out. I think it's easier to tell if people are lying when you can hear their voice and see them. I have several platonic guy friends-who I text or talk on the phone sometimes. The babe and love ya would be weird for me...but maybe not all.

[Momtojandj]

So to answer, no the one "friend " in question, I haven't met . We are still talking, texting . But I'm very guarded right now. A lot of things are not making sense when I think about it . If he wants me, he can make it clear and try to win me back , so to speak, if not moving on.

[momtokam]

I'm so, so, sorry.

Go with your gut feelings.

If he wants to win you back he needs to earn it and be very clear.

You deserve that and more. If not,  his loss.

I know it hurts like hell but stay strong.

[Guest Mel4072]

I hope things are better. It sounds like you have drawn a hard line and are being very clear about you consider appropriate. I'm with you. And I agree that if he wants you in his life, he will make changes. Good luck!

[Virgo]

I'm sorry. ((hugs))