second thoughts

[thejourney]

:-\

man this second life is hard. I have been lucky. I am engaged to a great woman. Smart, interesting, pretty, supportive, helps me,in my career, and she loves me. But I have been having second thoughts. I keep thinking it is just cold feet and will go away. But so far, nope. I feel guilty when I am away from my kids (ie. With her). We have moved too fast to meet her timeline and it freaks me out. We have had some challenges with my friends that have created baggage in our relationship that won't seem to go away. It just feels like it should be easier but am I being unrealistic? We have days and weeks that are crazy good. Then we spend an entire day in distress. Not so much fighting as disagreeing and dealing with some of her emotional baggage and my response to that. I have not,done the dating scene so I have no comparison point. I feel like its wrong to look for,'better'. There may be better, but I should be happy. And if we break up, she will be devastated. I don't think people can have a good relationship without compromise . But I am terrified I will wake up unhappy one day. Or even just that I will continue to doubt my relationship for years. I want  so bad to be all in. I know that would be best for us.  but something is holding me back.

[Sugarbell]

Are you marrying her because you are afraid of being alone or hurting her feelings?

Or are you marrying her because you know without a shadow of a doubt you want to spend your life with her?

 

Can't remember if she has kids too...I would just be cautious. If something feels off--it usually is.

[Guest Mel4072]

I am also engaged and my fianc? has gotten nervous because of a timeline. Lol! He created it based on what he thought I would want. You have to communicate. He told me how he felt and I listened. I heard him and I've agreed to be engaged for a while. When I am scared I want him to listen too.

Good luck!

I wouldn't look for better. I did the dating scene. It sucks. I have found somebody solid and caring and plan on hanging on. Maybe if you'd had a bad dating experience you wouldn't be so unsure. Only you can decide.

Wishing you the best.

[MrsT85]

Wow, thejourney.  A lot of what you wrote really rang true for me too.  I got engaged on Christmas last year to a (usually) very sweet and kind never-married/no-children/non-widowed man after dating for a little less than a year and a half.  I was just three months out when we met, so to me it didn't actually feel like we had been together very long because I was kinda out of my head for the first several months of our relationship.  To him, especially as a never-married man in his mid-30s, I'm sure it felt like plenty of time.  Anyway, it all happened way sooner than I wanted it to, so I asked that we not actually get married until June of 2016.  I wanted some time to live with him and actually combine our lives, to make sure that this is something we both actually have the desire to follow through with.

 

And while much of it has been great, there's been plenty of times that we've butted heads and had our share of tensions.  Honestly, it's far more difficult than it ever was with Tim.  I *think* it's because Tim and I were just such a good fit - we had pretty much identical tastes and interests and started dating when I was just 19, so I grew into an adult with him as the most important person to and influence on me.  NG found me as a fully formed, badly damaged 27 year old, so I never really expected it to be as effortless as it was the first time around.  And he's also the first and only person I've been with since Tim died, so I don't really have anything to compare it to, in terms of what's "normal" relationship troubles and what's something to be concerned about. 

 

But yeah.  I have the same thoughts.  He's a good guy.  He loves me and accepts me.  That's enough to make me pretty happy most of the time.  The relationship is work at times, but from what I understand of most other people's relationships this is pretty normal.  I sometimes think I was spoiled, finding someone so goddamn perfect for me so young.  And I tell myself that if I hold out for that again, I'll be chasing a fantasy, a person who doesn't exist.  And life is too short for a fool's errand like that.

[DonnaP]

Second thoughts, or can we call them "doubts," can be such a bitch. I think, for us widowed folks, it is hard to be absolutely certain of anything. I know that sounds like a bold, generic statement, but here's the thing -- everything we thought to be true and solid vanished when our spouses died. For those like me, it happened so suddenly, we didn't have time to wrap our heads around it, let alone understand everything. My life was utterly and irreversibly altered and I didn't have one damn say in the matter.

 

Now, you are thinking about jumping into the deep end of the pool again. And maybe your heart tells you to go ahead, but there is that piece of your brain that still questions every little decision you make, because it is trying to protect you from more hurt. Also, if there are children involved, that adds an entirely new set of complications.

 

I was certain that I loved my fiance. And he loved me. Our interests were aligned and I knew he was a good man who would be with me through thick and thin. The rest I figure we will figure out as we go. There are a LOT of complications to our lives at the moment -- two houses, children from both sides, financial decisions etc. It's all part of this new life. Some parts I love -- like snuggling in his arms on Sunday mornings. Other parts are an exercise in patience -- like dealing with a moody step-daughter. But I have no doubt we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side.

 

Don't try to over-analyze everything. Just figure out how you really feel about her and she about you. Are there any deal-breakers? (e.g., volatile behavior toward my kids was one for me -- thankfully, there was none of that in my new guy). Good luck! It's never easy.

 

Donna

 

[Mizpah]

Then we spend an entire day in distress. Not so much fighting as disagreeing and dealing with some of her emotional baggage and my response to that.

 

It doesn't sound like cold feet, or spurred by a timeline, but by this.  Is there something that consistently causes these kinds of days?  Maybe finding the pattern can help you both avoid behaviors or statements that bring on her insecurities (if that's what it is she's struggling with).  Or maybe you're saying this isn't something you're interested in working on.  I'm in a relationship that is difficult at times - just like you describe, things are wonderful and then an upsetting emotional incident/disconnect.  I think if everyone has compassion, communication and a will to betterment, it can improve.  I wish I could say that I think that if it requires work, then it's not "meant to be," but I think once you're past a certain age or experience level (different for each person), it's not simple like, "I like you!  Everything is good and we're meant to be!," or "We have struggles, therefore we're not meant to be."  Is it her that is giving you second thoughts, or is it these distress days, or is it a connection you're just not feeling?  I think identifying to yourself what exactly is going on could help.  You saying that a breakup would devastate her seems to indicate that perhaps you want out but feel guilty....  Or maybe you just don't like dealing with difficulty but love her.  No one knows but you.  I'm babbling.  Maybe totally missing the point. 

 

Edited to add: I just read back (oh, stalking!), and it seems you've had reservations for months now.  Don't ignore your gut.  Examine it.  IMHO.  That's what I would do. 

[StillWidowed]

I really think you need to listen to your gut.  No matter how great someone was, if I had doubts, there was a reason.  Some things can be worked thru, and some things are just the way we feel.  Love this time around will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as wonderful, passionate and fulfilling as it was with our spouses.  Yes, we're lonely, and dating sucks.  But personally for me,  I can't settle for just companionship.  Go slowly.  When in doubt, do nothing.

[imissdow]

:-\ We have had some challenges with my friends that have created baggage in our relationship that won't seem to go away.

This is one issue, and I guess the question I would ask is why?  Do you feel guilty because you feel like your betraying some one? or maybe because you don't think you should be allowed? or do your kids not like it when your away? or are you gone so much that you don't feel like your there for them?  Once you figure out why you feel this way you can decide whither it's justified or not and then deal with it.  If it's just false guilt then toss it or maybe it will reveal something that needs dealt with.  I'm assuming you do spend time with your kids and you girlfriend all together. If not you probably should give it a shot.

 

Quote from: thejourney on July 24, 2015, 09:53:55 AM

 

    :-\

    We have moved too fast to meet her timeline and it freaks me out.

 

  This bothers me.  I am a strong believer in you work with whosoever time line is the slowest. Or find some common ground.  I had 2 kids when I met LH.  He wanted a serious relationship right off the bat, and being that we were good friends that happened. He also wanted to be married in less then a year like 9-10 months.  I would have preferred around 18 months but I was ok with just over a year. We ended up with just over 13 months. Maybe you just need some time to "catch your breath"  Doesn't mean it won't work just means you need a little time and space.  The couple of relationships that I have been in where the guy wanted to move way faster then I did  and I walked away from I look back on and feel like I dodged a bullet.

 

Quote from: thejourney on July 24, 2015, 09:53:55 AM

 

    :-\

    We have had some challenges with my friends that have created baggage in our relationship that won't seem to go away.

 

What kind of challenges. Do they not like her? Do they think your not ready? Do they think your a bad fit?  Or are they not ready for you to have a serious relationship with anyone?  Listening to friends is a good thing. Not that you should let them make your decisions but your closest friends often see things you don't.  I dated a guy for a couple of months. After we broke up a few work friends asked me why I had ever dated him ( I knew him thru work as did they).  If your friends see her as not good for you then it pays to ask why and think about whats being said.  Once again this could be their problem and that can be tough to figure out. If you take the time to ask and listen to the answers you might just find out if it's something you need to hear or something they are having a hard time with.

 

Sound to me like you have a lot of stuff to think and talk thru.  Don't get so caught up in the moment that you don't take time to think and reflect on what you want out of life and how you should go about getting there.  Best wishes!

 

Hope you find the answers your looking for.

[MissinGrizz]

I agree with going with the person with the slowest timeline. She sounds like a good person, but do you love her deeply enough to marry her and make her your kids' stepmom?  Tread slowly and carefully.

 

[fctyler]

Second marriages are very difficult because of the baggage involved. Anyone who has lived on the planet for any length of time and has lived life, has baggage.  Bring in a new relationship, new children, and new experiences, and it's enough to make anyone find the single life wonderful and soothing!

 

But, most people tend to desire a loving relationship with another human.  Those Sunday cuddles, as another poster mentioned.  Talking about your day over a glass of wine on the deck.  Knowing there is someone out there who loves you above all else.  It's a heady feeling and that's why marriage doesn't always die the first time around.

 

I just remarried in June and I had my doubts.  I didn't doubt my love for my new husband, and I didn't doubt his love for me, but I was very fearful that my kids would think I had forgotten their father (even though we talk about him daily), I was afraid my new husband and I wouldn't gel with living together.  (Toothpaste cap on or off?  make the bed or jump into a crumpled mess at night? bring his ratty old "favorite" chair to my house or drop it at the landfill "by mistake?")  My heart raced, wondering if it was worth all the ups and downs of getting to know someone as a spouse once again. But, every time I asked that question, and I saw my fiance smile, or I saw my son animatedly talking to my fiance over dinner, I knew, without a doubt, that we were making the right decision, based on love and commitment.  I know that it will not be perfect all the time, but whenever we've had to deal with an issue, we've put our respect for each other first and talked things out with good communication.

 

I feel that your fear is real and your gut should be listened to, but I don't think it has to be an "all-or-nothing" decision.  It seems imperative that you slow down and stay engaged for a lot longer.  Get to know her even better and reassure your kids that because you are getting remarried, it doesn't  mean you won't be around for them.  Have a night you spend just with them.  Seriously, and I really mean this.......get some counseling together.  Figure out how best to communicate with each other and how best to deal with each other's baggage. 

 

Give yourself time to let this relationship grow.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being engaged for as long as you need, and if you feel the relationship needs to end at a later date, then your fiance may be very hurt initially, but it will be much worse if you're both miserable after you say "I do"

 

[kjs1989]

I haven't posted or been on the forum for a long time. Have just been in a weird place with my life in a lot of respects. Feeling like at this point I should be moving past active grief at close to three years, but having some really bad days mixed in with some pretty decent days. Just not in touch with what I was feeling or even how to express that, where to go, what to do.  Not sure of what I need, or how to keep moving forward, Just sort of stuck. Not sure of what my kids need at this point either, or how to help them move forward.  Sometimes I just try to stay so busy and so distracted that I can disconnect from grief, but then of course, it finds me on the "down" days.

 

So I read this thread and could instantly relate about second thoughts with a relationship. I started dating very early. That, too, was mostly a distraction thing. I needed to get off the corner of the sofa, Live life a bit, learn to smile again, have something to look forward to, just someone nice and normal to hang out with now and then. I was really fortunate and almost from the get-go I met a good guy. He has been stellar, I would say. Divorced for seven years, so plenty of time to work through those issues. He is an good dad to his grown daughter and teenage son. He has held down the same job for many years. He owns his home and is financially responsible. He helps me immensely with stuff around the house, a real fix-it sort of guy He is there for whatever my kids need. Move my son home from college? No problem. Move my daughter to college? No problem.Come over in the middle of the night because I heard a noise in the basement? Yep, he comes right over. We like to do the same things: boating, biking, wine, traveling, good food, city lights, theater. I am very attracted to him. The list goes on. In many ways, he and I are more compatible than D and I were. That shakes me up a bit to think about, but D an I had 23 years together to find our groove.

 

So... how come I can't move forward in this relationship? It's been 2 1/2 years. He loves me beyond measure. I love him, too. He would marry me tomorrow. It just scares me to death. So I do nothing to help the relationship grow or progress. I don't  want to live together. I don't want to get engaged. I just find myself wondering if this is it, if it stops here for me. I am plagued by doubts.

 

So, I have no advice to give here, but many of you have given good words of advice and wisdom, and it is so helpful to read your posts. It is reassuring to know others struggle too, and many of you have figured it out, and were able to move forward. Gives me hope. I don't want to throw a really good thing away.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Yeah I don't get the "rushed time frame"

 

Are you away from your kids when you are with her? Is she good to the kids?? Or when she has her depression attacks (although just by reading this it sounds like more insecure jealousy).

 

While I whole heartedily believe in living your life without needing others approval....sometimes our friends...those who really know us well...see things we don't. I myself have been guilty of having blinders on then getting defensive when anyone said anything I didn't like. But really at this stage??? what kind of emotional baggage could you all have just between the 2 of you??

 

I dunno....I am very cautious now not to say what I think when I see the outcome ahead of time. It does nothing but aggravate people so I will stay quiet. The only advice I have is slow down...sometimes it takes a while to see all levels of a person....you don't want unstable bs around your kids.