Workalcholics...do you ever turn it off?

[Sugarbell]

I thought I was a Workalcholic-I am not...but guy friend is.

 

When we went on vacation-phone/email/texts were going on constantly. Even though he took vacation-he spent a least 2 hours a day answering messages/emails/taking calls.

 

This weekend when he was here....the phone was buzzing all evening. He is coaching high school football right now...and works full time....and has his 2 side businesses. So it was constant. He's very attentive and good to me--and even offered not to coach football this season  (he's an assistant-not employed with public school system so it's easy to say no) I told him I wanted him to be him...that he loves coaching and is good with the kids...not to change anything on my account.

 

And I am cool with it....and his job.....throw in his 2 businesses and the man goes non stop.

 

So this weekend I said "You need to unplug-turn it off....just for a few hours....you are non stop"

 

He agreed and said "You're right....but I don't know how. How do I do that?"

 

I had no suggestions. Any workaholics out there who have found a way to turn it all off?

[Sugarbell]

I mean the phone goes off while we are asleep, at dinner, movie, having sex...you name it.

 

It buzzed all freakinh night last night. Till like 2 am.

[fairlanegirl]

I can understand being busy and having to make a living, but not turning his phone off when you are making love, or asleep (I assume asleep means at night - who is so rude as to be texting/calling that time of night?) seems just rude to me. And in a movie - I hope you mean at home, not at an actual movie at the theatre or someone would have hit him over the head!

 

'How do I do that?'

For Christ's sake.

Have you tried, 'Give the thing to me, I'll do it!'

 

You always sound like a pretty go-go-go person yourself so he is lucky you have been this tolerant - a lot of people would be driven bonkers by it very quickly.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Well yeah I have taken/turned off the phone...and my daughter takes it and plays trivia crack.

 

But literally....it rings like over

25 times when he's here for a 24 hour period. He answers it's always either work...a potential customer (mattresses and sporting goods) coaches, kids, kids parents...university people.

 

The coaches are the morons who text all night. No he's not messing around with anyone it's all work related. I accept it...someone who is busy and ambitious is a turn on for me. Trust me there are plenty of lazy dudes that I used to have to kick off my couch. And DH and I met thru work-and for a few years worked hard and played hard and never turned work off.

 

I know a lot of women couldn't deal with it. I can....but I am starting to think he needs some moderation a little.

 

And yea the phone buzzes or rings during sex ....and no he never answers. The sex is amazing...goes with the whole extreme personality of his.

 

Not looking to change him-just honestly looking for ways to get him to tune work out. I can take the phone-but his mind is still on it. Just not used to that much work shit. It's been years since I was that way .

 

Movies....on vibrate....and has walked out to Answer a call. Movie at home-always answers.

[BrokenHeart2]

You said it 'but I am starting to think he needs some moderation a little'. That simple, turn the phone to silence and just live!  Why is that so hard for people. I hate when I'm asked to be put on hold from friends or family in a phone conversation. Unless you think it's life threatening let it go to voicemail!  Really, what ever happen to etiquette? UGH

[Sugarbell]

Yeah it's the damn phone.

 

Now that I think about it...When DH and I were workaholics from 1997-2002....there wasn't the texts, emails via phone-no one was attached to there phones. Shoot our work laptop was hooked up dial up in the basement office-we didn't even have laptops upstairs. So not turning work off...was pretty much the two of us talking shop together-not hooked up and taking it with us everywhere.

 

I think technology has made workaholics unable to unplug-you can take it everywhere. And it has changed the way we interact, social graces etc.

 

I feel like a bitch...but damn....I like to compartmentalize--it's how I balance things. But to him...a potential customer could call to set up a time to pick up a mattress, etc...or a team ordering a bunch of sporting goods...and in his head if he doesn't answer that's 1,000 lost. But it's starting to grate on me.

[Sugarbell]

In 2002 is when I had my first child. That's when we both turned the focus off work 24/7.

[serpico]

Not looking to change him-just honestly looking for ways to get him to tune work out.

 

Or, in other words, change him  And thats okay, but I think you'll have more luck if you are open about what you want to accomplish.

[Virgo]

He needs to let it go to voicemail unless it's an emergency or his job requires him to answer. My LH was a K9 officer, so he was required to answer the phone if it was the PD calling. LEO's are never 'off duty.'

[Sugarbell]

No not change HIm...just help him get a bad habit under control...you know like when I stopped smoking years ago-I didn't change the person I was...just broke my unhealthy habit. 

 

Yea I know I an reaching--but I like his work ethic, dedication...just hate his phone. :-[

[thejourney]

Tough situation and I think it's great that you are understanding and trying to help. Here is something that worked for me ( though I was not quite as extreme as you describe). It is two parts. First, agree to a weekend away and tell him it will be a chance to disconnect. He really has to want to. He asked how to do it, now you can find out if he is sincere about wanting to disconnect. You need to find a cabin or cottage somewhere with no wireless access. In the woods, or mountains or on an island. Part two is he needs a backup. I get why he feels the need to respond. He can get someone to cover for him, and he promises to return the favour. If he doesn't have a backup it will be hard to agree to the trip. I did the no connection thing unintentionally years ago and it was a pretty significant event for me. I was more relaxed after two days than I had been on any vacation in the previous ten years. His response to the weekend should give you a sense of whether he can ever chill or not. And then you will at least know what you are signing up for. Hope this works if you try it. Good luck.

[RobFTC]

I have "do not disturb" hours set on my iPhone - shut the hell up between 10pm and 6am, thanks - all texts and calls are silent and ignored unless I care to look at the screen.  I think there's a way for certain numbers to punch through that (think kids out late).  I won't be kept awake by a device, that's for sure, and it will never get the chance to be heard when I am making love! :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[widowat33]

My dh was a workaholic, even when he wasn't working he was busy helping other people (farming, fixing tractors, etc..). It was one of the things I loved and hated about him. I loved that he was so ambitious and hard working, but I resented the time he would be gone helping other people while at the same time loving that he gave so selflessly of himself. I could never be with someone who was lazy or didn't care about working.

Maybe even just setting rules about the phone, which makes it seem like a parenting thing,lol, but together decide certain times or situations when the phone needs to be off. I do get him not wanting to ignore calls especially owning a business and the possibility it could be a customer trying to contact him, I also get how annoying it must be for you too.

If it were me I would make it into a game or bet of some kind..during the time he shouldn't be answering if he answers he has to do something for you, if he doesn't you do something for him...these posts mentioning sex and such has my mind thinking along those lines now so I will leave it up to your imagination

[Captains wife]

Working in finance/banking, I used to be a complete workaholic - I kept my Blackberry on me at all times, right next to my bed, took it on holiday. I am sure I drove my late husband crazy with it but he was remarkably tolerant - the only time he got really annoyed is that I kept checking it on the trip where we got engaged. His threat was to toss it into the ocean so I finally turned it off for a while.

 

Its a bit addictive being a workaholic (and constantly being attached to a phone) - it really is.  I think you need to be understanding to all the career (and other) demands he has on him (and it certainly sounds like you are) but I would also gently encourage him to take periods where the phone is switched off completely, especially at night (unless it needs to be on for emergency reasons). I have learned over time that things work related CAN wait and its more important to spend time with the people in your life that you love - politely remind him of that. One other idea - get involved in activities with him where he CANT have his phone on him (water related acitivities is good here) so you two can totally decompress. Or turn the phone off for him and lead him away to do something else. If the phone isnt in his presence for a short period, he will be less tempted to keep checking it. As a prior workaholic, it was tough having a phone that was switched off in my presence but if I left it at home and was out doing something else, I eventually forgot about it. And it sounds like he might have issues having the will power to turn it off himself so you can help him with it, in a caring way. Or go to places with no cell phone service - and go hiking or camping or whatever.

 

Wishing you the best, despite some of these issues, it sounds like your current relationship is a great match for you two : ) There are certainly much worse traits than being a workaholic.

[Mizpah]

I mean the phone goes off while we are asleep, at dinner, movie, having sex...you name it.

 

It buzzed all freakinh night last night. Till like 2 am.

 

This was DH.  Even when he was on vacation.  It was the nature of his work.  I just had to accept it.  Like the guy you're with, he was great to me, so it wasn't like I felt neglected AND he had this going on.  It became a running "joke" or rather a running annoyance for both of us that we treated with humor.  If he CAN turn it off, he should "just do it," but if it's like my DH, that may not be an option.

[MissingSquish]

A bit of food for thought before some suggestions. Why does he have to be so busy and overscheded?

 

Does he have websites for his two side businesses?  If he doesn't, he should invest in creating one for each business. Make sure to have a Contact me form with an email address that it gets routed to and to not include his cell phone number on his sites. He'll be able to more easily screen out what requires his immediate attention versus what doesn't.

 

Automatic scheduled Do not Disturb from and to certain hours. Mine is scheduled from 10:30PM-7AM daily.  I do answer emails/calls after 10:30, but only if it's pressing and requires my immediate attention. I do absolutely answer work emails/calls on my days off, but I am fortunate that my work only contacts me if it's important.

 

Google voicemail with text/email transcriptions. Again, this helps him to determine what is pressing versus what isn't if he doesn't answer his phone when it rings. 

 

 

[imissdow]

I never turn my phone off.  However no one ever calls me so it's really not a issue.  My Dh had the potential of being a workaholic.  We owned a business and we did have a couple of customers who didn't seem to respect working hours. I remember being away for a vacation and him getting calls. He insisted on returning them and I insisted that he tell them that we were out of town and would get back to them on our return. Only 1 ever was difficult about that.  One of the solutions that worked well for us was that phones weren't allowed in our bed room.  We left them to charge down stairs in the office. They were far enough away that he couldn't hear it if it rang. If it was a family member they would call the house phone.  I have a friend who turns her phone off at night her good friends know to call her husbands phone if they have a emergency.

 

I have a guy friend I go out with when our schedules allow.  He is a workaholic. Works about 14-16 hours a day.  Always busy, phone rings all the time.  Ironically he got rid of his voice mail and typically doesn't answer his phone. He sets it down and walks away from it for hours at a time. If I want to talk to him I usually need to call him 3-4 times or send him a text message and ask for him to call me.  Normally I would think if a guy did this that  he doesn't want to be bothered with me.  However  I have observed this behavior a few times, and it's his normal method of operation.  Add to that the equipment he uses is so loud he wouldn't hear his phone anyways. So I know its not me.  When we do get together he is very attentive and seeks out my company.  At this time it doesn't bother me alot in part because what we have is so casual. 

[Sugarbell]

He has FB pages for both businesses and a website for mattresses. He has a separate building at his home so when people come-they come to his house/property.

 

The sporting goods-no he doesn't have a website-he's been doing it for years-he coaches high school softball and football and in the winter is a referee for basketball-so he's always networking. His full time real job-they rarely call after hours but did a lot on vacation.

 

I wasn't even aware of the "Do not disturb" on phones-definitely going to suggest it.

 

I think being overscheduled/busy is just him. He's been that way since college-he only had one kid and had joint custody since she was 6. (20 now)...On the weeks he had her--he never had women/dates around-never worked after hours-only owned one business until she was 18. I think when she left for college he picked up another business because that's just his personality.

 

And relationships since his divorce 15 years ago....he says he tried to keep it casual...He didn't want to be serious or committed. He says he wants us committed (in any capacity I want not pushing marriage)...And told me he would cut back any coaching, referee, businesses for me. --But honestly I love him busy-I am busy it doesn't bother me-I find it attractive--he doesn't need to be with me every night or whatever...I am great with that. Just want the majority of work turned off when we are together.

[ieh21]

I am like that. Phone in bed with me. Email answering at all hours. The only thing is I block all notifications and the phone is on vibrate only. Much less intrusive because I can actually ignore it and check when I feel like it (which might be every five minutes but I choose to do so, I'm not enslaved by the constant buzzing and ringing.) it might seem like a small difference but in my mind it helps me focus on the person in front of me and not constantly interrupting the conversation. Also, I know that talking to someone whose phone is always buzzing is really annoying.

[Gabzmom]

I have a tendency to be a workaholic.  Until I lost Rob.  There is no reason I should ever have that much on my plate.  I gave up a lot of "extra" activities, boards, etc.  Am still on a major one.  What kept going through my head was none of that sh*t mattered.  My daughter - she matters.  My family.  My friends.  The rest of it doesn't effing matter. 

 

I have found myself, in recent weeks, going back to my old habits.  I am no longer my daughter's chauffeur and that freed me up.  I stopped myself the other day and asked, "what about all the other stuff you have been wanting to do?  Don't let that go and be consumed by your work again."  I have to put boundaries on it.  I am reading a book on being present for myself and not feeling like I should have every waking minute filled with stuff to do. 

 

I am leaving at 5:30 again.  I am working on focus during the day and just working so that I can enjoy what I love.  I am sorry I wasn't much help with a solution.  I guess the best thing is to ask yourself "what matters most?"  That helps put you back on track.