When did you realize you were beyond active grieving ?

[Indri]

Just this very moment. I haven't been on the original board for years (so maybe I've actually been beyond active grieving for a while), so I haven't thought about the categories recently. So when I signed up, here, and I saw that, I thought, "wow, I'm beyond active grieving!". I never thought that I'd ever be in that category.

 

This, of course, does not mean that I'm beyond grieving. It just does not consume my every moment. Occasionally something will trigger very intense grieving, and the significant dates can still be very painful (I just passed the 9-year anniversary of Tom's death).

 

I'm living my life, I'm functioning well. I'm thinking of my future. I'm remembering the past, with fondness, and some sadness. I'm open to the possibility of a new relationship, but not actively seeking it. I have a good friend, a widower, with whom I thought we could have a future together. That didn't come to be, but we are still good friends.

 

I still miss Tom, every day. But I don't grieve every day.

[patriciad]

I think it was somewhere around the one year mark.  I was intent on living and not just existing.  I had been functioning and doing what I needed to do and for all outside appearances I think I looked like I was doing rather well.  The dark days of grief were't there quite as often and it seemed that when I got hit by a wave of grief it receded much more quickly. 

I fell head over heels in love at about 14 months out.  I couldn't believe that I could be so lucky to meet such a wonderful guy.  In my head, I felt that my DH had sent him to me.  I still had my days especially around the sadaversary, birthdays and our anniversary(which was the same as new guy's birthday).  But the days weren't filled with sadness anymore.  There was a lightness to my step.  I saw a way out of that deep dark hole.

I don't think grieving ever goes away.  It is always lurking close by.  But when it does rear its head, it does not stay as long or hit quite as intensely as those early days.  I often wonder how I ever survived that.

 

Pat

[mokie]

Somewhere about 2 or 2-1/2 years out, my son asked me how I was doing (he was mostly away at college).  I told him I was okay, and he said, "But you deserve to be more than just okay."  From that moment, I made it a point to lift myself up and live for me.  I wasn't honoring anybody by living in the past.  I bought a house (all on my own!!!) and started LIVING.  By the time I met my new husband, I had already become comfortable with me again.  I could have lived just with me, and continued my life as it was, if we hadn't met.

 

Anyway, it was sometime after my son told me I deserved more than just "okay".  We all deserve that.

[K_J]

It's hard to pinpoint an exact time when I felt I was "beyond active grieving".  But there are several moments that stand out.  Among them: after my lowest point, from about month 7-10, picking up my head around 10 months out and applying for jobs for real.  After many mistakes, deciding I was ready to take steps to sell the condo M. and I had bought with so much hope only 1.5yrs before he died, and going back to school (that was at about 14-15mo out).  Realizing I was going to give my new relationship with L. a real, honest try at about 18mo out, when we had been dating for about 3 months.  And the time when I had gone to meet L's extended family (which I knew was a HUGE step for him).  We picked up my car from the service station on the way back, and as L. was following me in his car as we sat in traffic, I listened to a song about cancer hitting home but having hope through those who support you.  I smiled, and laughed, and cried, all at the same time.  Duality.  The loss and the feelings, and yet hope and new love, coexisting.

[Guest Munsen]

?Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...? CS Lewis

 

This ^^ in a nutshell.

 

I would say the first 3 years were the roughest for me. I often wonder if some of that was the sudden shock of hubby's death, compounded by the circumstances. Perhaps even the anger that came with having someone to blame for his death? I'm not sure but I do know that today I feel the most like the old me (though stronger & wiser) than I have since hubby's death.

 

As others have stated, it is truly an individual journey and only you can sit in the driver's seat on this one.

 

I agree that re-coupling doesn't equal healing and I too am glad that there is more acceptance of that then was once voiced on here. I totally support finding love where you can find it but still I caution taking your time as I know I (and several others) were so impacted by grief that the warning to make no major decisions for the first year, was a good one. But, I have also seen others, find someone new very quickly and do well in that decision too, so what do I know?!!  lol

 

I still, at nearly 4 1/2 years out, have no interest in dating but perhaps that is because no one has caught my eye (the pickings around here are as scarce as hen's teeth). Or maybe its just me. I truly felt hubby was my one and only and for 30 years I was able to think that. I still haven't found that 'off' switch. Perhaps, some is my faith as I truly believe we will be together again so I find myself thinking we are on a break of some sort. A temporary exile from each other, perhaps.

 

Anyway, to each his own is my motto.

 

All I can say with precision at this moment is this: I am finding myself returning to some of those old feelings of peace and contentment. Even alone. Even with still missing him. And that is something I was afraid I'd never feel again.

[Guest look2thesky]

So many widowed I have met equated recouping with grief resolution.

For me it never worked that way.

[anniegirl]

So many widowed I have met equated recouping with grief resolution.

 

And I ran into the opposite from widowed. Re-coupling was a sign of avoidance, according to them. A red flag that meant I didn't know how to be alone and didn't know who I was as a person.

 

I think some of whether we seek to recouple or decide to postpone or even not pursue it comes down to personal circumstances and what we learned growing up and the messages we receive in our daily life from family and friends.

 

There is no right or wrong because there is no such thing as complete closure or resolution. We rebuild our lives. We do it in a way that works for us as individuals.

 

The issue, imo, is that we perceive judgement where there isn't or we allow actual judging to mess with our heads.

 

There is a really good post in the General section about how widowhood in our family histories might shape our views of it and how approached it personally.

 

http://widda.org/index.php?topic=127.0

 

So many factors and it's difficult sometimes in a forum like this to not play our personal truth card as universal truth but we need to resist that, imo. There is enough about widowhood and grieving that is alienating without adding to it.

 

For me personally, re-coupling and marriage again was important. But if I were to be widowed again, I don't know if it would be again. I am older. My needs are different. My wants are different.

 

It saddens me that widows feel judged for following the path that suited them best or that was necessary because of circumstances.

[Wheelerswife]

So many widowed I have met equated recouping with grief resolution.

For me it never worked that way.

 

As someone who recoupled and remarried fairly early out (18 months), I can only say that my grief did not "resolve" with getting married.  It was always there.  Somehow, it worked for me and with John to be in relationship, a relationship that was comfortable enough to allow grief to be experienced in its fullness.  I understand that perhaps that isn't the case in many other relationships.  For example, I moved into (and still live in) the home where my second husband lived for 12 years with his DW.  There were constant triggers for him in this home.  I remember the day, three months before he died, when we were about to embark on a plan for major landscaping in our yard.  The landscapers had brought a large tractor into our yard, with plans to scrape every bit of the back yard down to dirt the next day.  John went outside and stood there, looking at the places where his DW used to garden, at the old shed they had rebuilt together, at the places she used to toss the ball for her dear dog...and he cried...as more of his memories with her were going to be wiped away with the changes we had planned.  We were ready ourselves to take more steps forward for our lives, but that did not take away our grief. 

 

Maybe some people equate recoupling with grief resolution, but from my experience with other recoupled widow friends, I don't find this to be true.

 

Maureen

[Guest littlebirdie]

And I ran into the opposite from widowed. Re-coupling was a sign of avoidance, according to them. A red flag that meant I didn't know how to be alone and didn't know who I was as a person.

 

Too many people believe themselves to be experts when it comes to other people's lives. I've heard my share of generalizations concerning recoupling. My oldest daughter's preschool teacher used to tell the kids, when they got too bossy with the others, "Worry about yourself." That has become my (internal/unspoken) response to people who opine about my love life, or lack thereof.

 

There is no right or wrong because there is no such thing as complete closure or resolution. We rebuild our lives. We do it in a way that works for us as individuals.

 

 

[Guest look2thesky]

I did not fare well in a first and 2nd relationship after the loss. The main problems I found were hearing about the (ex) spouses who were still alive vs. mine, who was obviously deceased. Custody, bitter feelings about the divorces, etc., and not playing the widowed card, but in my mind I was saying, wow, at least you can communicate with said person. And it became a pattern. I think I honestly attribute some of my feelings, from people I met on dating sites. And maybe possibly looking too hard for someone who reminded me, in a slightest way, of the kindness I knew, from my Wife.

[AutumnGlow]

I think it's when every problem in my life wasn't about grief anymore.  I could have something difficult to deal with and it was difficult because it was a problem in its own right instead of everything leading back to "This wouldn't be happening if Jim were still alive."  I can't put an exact time on it for when it happened.

[Lola2009]

For me it was after year 3. The first 2.5 years were sheer survival mode, I was dealing with insurance, police, lawsuits, private investigators, the courts, (my husband died in a motorcycle accident) house renovations and raising a baby to a toddler during that time. I made a huge decision to flip our old house and sell it and start a new life for myself and our son. The lawsuit was settled just before the 3 year mark and I remember feeling shock that all the trauma drama was now behind me and we were settling into our new home and life. I remember looking around thinking, "Now what???" and so the major rebuilding began. I really opened up and let everything out for the world to see, let go of a lot of grudges and that was theraputic. Year 4 onward was when we hit our stride. It's been 5 years now and I still think about him everyday but the grief and pain doesn't consume me anymore.

[Guest IronBear]

When did you realize you were beyond active grieving ?

 

When I could fall asleep without the booze.

[Guest TooSoon]

I've been thinking about this question for a while now.  I've questioned whether or not part of being simply dissatisfied with my status quo is grieving or just being in between things and not satisfied with my status quo. 

 

It is the end the year at my college.  I love what I do though it can be completely absurd a lot of the time because academics are nutty.  But as I'm looking at this class graduating I realized the degree to which I am back and engaged and loving them and WANTING to be present.  My loss has become my gain when it comes to teaching. 

 

In my personal life, I think I've shed a lot of the artifice of suburban life and done my thing and zeroed in on what really matters for me and M. 

 

I say this a little sheepishly because I did foray back into my old social circle on Sunday morning for a post-half-marathon brunch (we always ran this half) and saw all of the old crew.  It was fine while it was happening and I was feeling pretty confident but the cloud of confused feelings set in later on Sunday and I was a true blue basket case but I guess it is more that the dominant theme is no longer that.  I appreciate the love I had, the child that love gave me, the more loving heart I now have because I knew that love. 

 

I think active grieving for me stopped when I realized how very much I have to be grateful for and how humbling that really is.  But I am completely exhausted and have had 3 glasses of wine to celebrate the end of teaching for the year so hope this makes sense and cheers! 

 

We are pretty amazing. 

[Guest marian1953]

When I no longer thought "what would Peter say/think" whenever I was conflicted about things. TooSon! Congrats on the end of semester thing! I so get this- that was another thing- when I could attend graduation again in my robes and not search for Peter- he was an electrician at our college and set up for graduation's sound system  for over 20 years.

Marian

I hold up a straight whiskey to you! cheers!

 

edited for grammar because when I have a drink I become my own grammar/spelling police.

[Guest TooSoon]

You always get me, Marian.  And I always appreciate it.  The intensity of campus life is a yin and yang thing.  Lots of triggers yet lots of support; the ease of settling in again vs the desire to push back and make changes.  It is not an easy road to navigate as the boundaries between personal and professional are necessarily blurred, though often in such a wonderfully profound way.  I've worked hard to forge a new identity that both embraces all of that and also frees me to become someone new.  I will say that if I had a straight up whiskey right now (which I never, in fact, have, though when we bought this house from the original owners we found a secret cache of half a dozen bottles of 40+ year old whiskeys given to Mack Truck (corporate headquarters were here and maybe are still here) executives on milestone occasions that my friends have been raving about) I would be giving out A's like there's no tomorrow!  ox

[Trying]

Last night it had dinner with a friend, she and her husband were one of our couple friends  and there son and my middle one are friends.  We were able to have conversations about all kinds of things that are current and relevant in our lives, not about my grief.  When DH came up it was stories that we both laughed over and it felt good to talk about him, not even once did I tear up.  When I got in my car to,leave the restaurant I realized that i enjoyed a night out with my friend, simple as that.  Before, I would get in the car and feel a heaviness, a relief that the night was over and I was no longer under the "how are you really doing?" Microscope.

 

Still having moments of active grieving, but I'm not living in active grieving.  I am moving past survival mode and feeling more gratitude for the life I shared with DH and gratitude for all that I still have.

 

Progress.

[IfIonlycould]

Trying-Yes to everything you said.....when I was able to go out either with people or by myself and not be thinking  "He is dead", "He would have liked that", "He needs to see this", etc. and actually engage in the moment for what it was.....And now like you I am in this spot:

 

 

 

 

Still having moments of active grieving, but I'm not living in active grieving.  I am moving past survival mode and feeling more gratitude for the life I shared with DH and gratitude for all that I still have.

 

Progress.