When did you realize you were beyond active grieving ?

[Guest look2thesky]

I think it's different for everyone. I started dating early out, 3 months. Made a lot of huge mistakes, but it was early that I wanted to share feelings with someone again.

[Mizpah]

At two years out, I traveled to Israel by myself.  It's where he was born and lived as a child, and it was a pilgrimage of sorts for me.  Traveling alone, being in the land that birthed him, getting a huge blast of vitamin D/sunshine, being on vacation, having a little fling, etc. - it all propelled me into feelings of happiness again.  Everything changed inside me then.  I felt alive again. 

[klc]

Only in hindsight. Somewhere in the third or fourth year.

[CMB]

My moment was very clear but kind of silly, in the retelling. For so long I'd made choices based on what I needed to do for my grief rather than for me as an individual. Grief was in the driver's seat.

 

I eventually got to the point where I felt I had to start flirting with men again (like homework) because I knew I eventually wanted a relationship, but I was way out of practice. I picked a very safe flirtation option with a guy who's a huge flirt, so I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. My "moment" was when I decided to stop flirting with him because I didn't want to anymore. Not because I thought it was the next right thing in my grief journey, but because I didn't want to.

 

That was several months ago and I'm still 100% single, but I feel like I've reclaimed my life from grief. I'm coming up on two years, and there are still hard days. I will never forget B or my tremendous, earth-shaking love for him. But I'm still alive, still growing and changing, and I'm excited about what the future might bring.

 

I never thought I'd get here, and then suddenly (after receiving so much support and after so much hard, hard work) I am. Lots of love to everyone on this board, wherever you are in the process.

[alwazalone]

Around year 5/6. Don't panic, new wids, I was coping and running mine & kids' lives ok - but that's when the sunshine started to come out again, and my grief changed to gratitude for having him with me, loving me, for ten (too short!) years.

[Wheelerswife]

I reached Beyond Active Grieving fairly early out after my first husband died.  I met my polarbear when I was 6 months out, moved to be with him at one year out and married him at 18 months out.  Life changed completely and had a different trajectory.  John and I grieved and fell in love at the same time.  I know that doesn't work for most people, but it worked for us.  Even in our incredible happiness, there was always sadness underneath.  That was okay.  I don't know how we ever lose all of the sadness from losing a spouse.

 

I am 14 months out today from the death of my second husband.  I am still actively grieving, although I think there might be some little light out there ahead of me.  I'm not dating, but the idea of meeting someone and finding another great love resides in the back of my head.  I don't know how that will happen, but I know I'm not meant to live my life alone.  I make a much better partner.  I have to keep hope that I will find happiness again, and that I will come to a place where I can remember John without the level of sadness that is with me now.  I know that finding John changed my perspective rather quickly.  It is possible that I could have that kind of experience again.  How likely?  I don't know.  But I want to remain hopeful.

 

 

[kmouse]

I think it was about a year and half out when I realized that grief was no longer an active, daily part of my life. I was very lonely and missed Richard like crazy, but life had developed some kind of rhythm to the days. That was about the time I stopped living solely in our bedroom, I worked my house over and made some overt "me" changes, and my thoughts started to turn to what my future would be (and realizing I couldn't passively huddle in my house...I had to at least no longer avoid change and growth forward.)

 

It's honestly taken me several years to get truly "beyond" active grieving. I guess I would say grief and widowhood stopped being my sole reality at about that year and a half, "intermittent" grieving took its place for another few months, and then I seemed to go to grieving "maintenance," where it would poke at me hard at key days and times. In about a month I'll be six years and I'm pretty well beyond active grieving. These days life is solid and good and happy. But. Have you ever felt achy when the weather changes really fast? That's how it feels now. Some times the wind blows just right and I feel the deep ache. Part of me will always be trying to find Richard because his absence still doesn't make sense. The ache is ok, though, because it connects me to an equally important part of my life.

 

It's been one hell of a ride to get here.

 

 

[Guest look2thesky]

Just a thought.

[Lisa]

For me there was a transition from mourning to active grieving first. Then hope but grieving at about18 months . Then I started getting out and about, having fun, using bad judgenent and going back and forth between active and non active grieving. I was dating and break ups would redouble my grief. I would say I settled in more consistently after 4 years. More comfortably after 5. Let's see what's next.  :

[Eddienhp]

I remember 9 months and 18 months being very painful. In my case, I believe the active grieving was over 24 months. I was able to function much better and my mind was clearer. I was not happy but not sad either. I spent 2013 and 2014 in that limbo state. My plate was full with two small children, working, my son's special needs and residual issues from my husband's death which are just nearing the end 3-1/2 years later. So I think I might have had a slower grief path than others. In the beginning of 2015 it was like a light was switched on and I was living with hope and happiness again. Hope this helps.

Eileen

[anniegirl]

Difficult to pinpoint because my LH was terminal from the day he was diagnosed plus he suffered from progressive dementia - even before we knew what was wrong.

 

When he died (three years later), he'd been nearly vegetative for 3 months but totally unable to communicate for well over a year. And for the last year and a half, he'd been either in a nursing home or hospice.

 

So I know that anticipatory/pre-grief is not the norm but in cases like mine, it's not uncommon.

 

Consequently, when I found the YWBB, I spent far more time lurking and than posting in the Social and BAG sections than anywhere else.

 

My grief was more about me than LH. He'd been "gone" from any active/positive place in my life for nearly three years by the time he died.

 

And I started dating early. Signed up on dating sites by six months out. Met the guy who I would marry (at the YWBB) at 11 months out. Was married again at 15 months out.

 

But I know several widows, whose spouses died suddenly or after shorter illnesses, who were married within the second year - more or less.

 

I think when the future is more of your focus than the past. When you can deal in the everyday and it's more than just surviving, you are "beyond" or making progress to it.

 

But one thing I have noted is that this is not a linear journey and it's not without plateaus. We double back or take side roads. Sometimes we stop for periods of time.

 

Adults are more caught up in their sadness than children but in some ways we do grieve like kids because after the initial body blow, our every days lives and the taking care of business aspect do pull our attention away.

 

Kids are more open to letting themselves live. Grief isn't such a job to them. We (not trying to over-generalize though) put grief on our "to do" list. Maybe that's where we get into trouble.

 

I think, just a personal observation, that it's a mistake to believe that there's an endpoint or a tipping point. One day - you just become aware that you've arrived. Partly a fake it til you make it and partly because it's difficult to see yourself change while you are changing. You can only note it after the fact.

 

If you are reading here, you are working towards being here, imo.

[OSAAT]

It is really great to read everyones experiences with this. For me, it is hard for me to pinpoint EXACTLY when the active grieving ended. The first two years were horrendous. I had so much guilt and shame about his death. From that deep guilt and shame sprung major depression. I then went on anti-depressants and became numbed out to everything and was processing nothing, I couldn't. The meds had me numbed out. I went off the meds, did intense grief work and worked my way out of the depths of hell.

 

I was thoroughly confused the first 8 months or so thinking my depression was my grief. I explained to people on the board that I was always crying and sad and would have a wave of reprieve. I heard them explain grief as coming in waves, but for me, my reprieve came in waves.

 

After the first two years of active grief and depression, I was able to work myself up and out of that. I dated for quite a while and ended up in a 7 month relationship that ended last year around this time. I ended it because I wasn't ready, but knew I had to put myself out there. I am looking at starting to date again. It is really something I want to do. We will see what happens! I want to add that I don't personally equate dating with BAG. For me, I have had to work through my stuff and become ready to date first. I was BAG for more than a year before I got into a relationship.

 

I will keep you all updated in social situations

[Mizpah]

I want to add that I don't personally equate dating with BAG.

 

I totally agree with this.  I was feeling alive and centered and myself again before I became involved in a relationship.  Also, when I became involved with a widower (who I'm still with now), he was not even close to being "BAG."  Sometimes the things correlate (new relationships and BAG), but often not. 

[Trying]

I have moments where I think I may be BAG but I'm not totally there. I entered a relationship (that I am still in) early on while still very much actively grieving so I agree that it does not have anything to do with where I was in my grief. My children's grief has definitely complicated my own and helping them with their pain has been the most difficult part for me.

 

I really appreciate hearing everyone's stories, it gives me hope while at the same time reminding me that I shouldn't be "over it already".

[Lisa]

I love this illustration, and no, I dont believe there is a finish line

image:3500

[Guest look2thesky]

Oh my gosh, nice illustration ; )

Mine looks more like a series of pretzels.

[petesgirl77]

Bear, you're not the only slow one. I would say around 5-6 years out it wasn't necessarily active, although I'm still struggling sometimes. I think his manner of death has been a factor and I believe I had/have some lovely issues from PTSD to work through.

I was a raging mess for 2 years, at 3 became cautiously optimistic in accepting my life that included carrying my sadness and guilt with me everywhere I went. At 3 and a half years with no intention of dating, I met someone. Boom. Shoved me right back into raging mess status. How this man has been so patient with me for 3 years, I will never know, but I'll save that story for Social.

I've been curious at times, why some of us grieve actively longer or shorter than some, but I just come back to the fact that how we grieve is as different as fingerprints.

 

[Mac]

I couldn't remember exactly when it was, so I when back and looked at when I joined that section on YWBB. Looks like it was at about 2 years. Here's what I wrote.

 

Well I guess I belong here now. In ten days it will have been 2 years.

Sadness isn't as much a part of my experience anymore. Extreme emotion and some tears at times, but not sadness. Strong feelings of gratitude for much, including the 27-1/2 years of marriage and 37 years of friendship.

 

Of course I think about Cindy all of the time, two truly do become one.

 

My children are happy and we are thriving as a family, grateful for that. We did struggle so much initially. Do I feel somewhat alone at times? Yes, but I don't feel lonely. I'm grateful for that too.

 

I have dated successfully, glad that many of the mysteries are gone in that department. A whole new world after 28 years. Still not sure what I'm looking for there, but time will tell.

 

We are all such different people from who we were before on so many levels, that's for sure. Part of this more recent phase has been letting go of some of the past, especially as it relates to friends. Realizing that those relationships will never be the same and letting go. I?m sure that we will still see each other every couple of years or so. So with that, it is time to develop new friendships. I?m glad that we have this online community, it certainly has helped me.

[Portside]

I suppose it was around 3 months or so. I never seemed to suffer any of the crippling, suck-the-wind-out-of-you days that many have (after the first week or so). I was lucky. I've always been the type of person to try to place whatever crap sandwich was in front of me behind me as quickly as humanly possible and also, I think I'm older than most here and have seen most of the misery the world has to offer before. It may have stung less because of that.

 

In any case, I started to rebuild my life without my late wife right away. I was concerned for my children and wanted to try to have as normal a family existence as possible as soon as possible for their sake. 

 

Certainly not everyone's cup of tea but that's how I approached it. Oh, there were certainly those days that just sprung up out of nowhere where I thought "Damn!". But they were very infrequent and tapered off to nothing in about 2 months.

 

Best wishes, Mike

[AndysWife]

I'm at 3 1/2 years now and I've only recently felt like I have a bright future ahead. I was a bit slower also due to having a baby, older teens, family problems, legal problems - all things that needed a lot of my attention in the early days. (I think that was also the reason that I was so angry a lot of the time - I just never had a moment to myself) oh, and Suicide kinds of smashes you too.

 

I was divorced prior to meeting Andy and that experience taught me that I could feel like shit whether I was working, travelling or just sitting at home so I might as well be doing something beneficial to my future whilst grieving so that is what I did. My older kids who are all adults now, left home a year ago allowing me to just be. I'm slowly returning to the old version of Wendy but there are aspects of this version which I quite like - and dislike. Maybe when I find her again I will be more certain of being BAG.

[Guest sphoc]

I'll be two years out next month. I should probably wait until my trip to the UK to see how I'm really doing (I'm excited, but I'll be with DH's friends that I haven't seen since his funeral in June 2012 - I'll probably end up a bloody wreck), but the last few months especially, I've been feeling OK. I miss him, but it isn't all-consuming. I think about him, but it doesn't fill me with dread. The guilt and anger I felt in the early days after his suicide has subsided, and it was probably Christmastime that it last reared its head. I have good things going on and I'm putting down permanent roots where I am now. And maybe it's different for me because we weren't together as long as some others, or maybe because I've come to terms with the fact that I didn't really know him at all (he lied about so many, BIG things, that sometimes the whole thing doesn't seem real), but I don't feel like I grieve for him anymore. I miss him, and I wish that things could have been different.

[Justin]

 

It's honestly taken me several years to get truly "beyond" active grieving. I guess I would say grief and widowhood stopped being my sole reality at about that year and a half, "intermittent" grieving took its place for another few months, and then I seemed to go to grieving "maintenance," where it would poke at me hard at key days and times. In about a month I'll be six years and I'm pretty well beyond active grieving. These days life is solid and good and happy. But. Have you ever felt achy when the weather changes really fast? That's how it feels now. Some times the wind blows just right and I feel the deep ache. Part of me will always be trying to find Richard because his absence still doesn't make sense. The ache is ok, though, because it connects me to an equally important part of my life.

 

 

I am only 8 months out, and still actively grieving, but this beautifully-stated post resonates with me so much. Sometimes, I will feel a twinge of pain thinking of Marsha and my eyes well with tears, and then it passes.

[Guest littlebirdie]

I think it was somewhere around the two year mark, maybe a little more. Like everyone else, I can't really pinpoint it; it was gradual.

 

Most days now, I am okay. I don't cry much anymore, only when something big happens, and my memories are more happy than sad. I feel like I can do this and I can take care of myself and everything will be fine. I haven't returned to the always happy, annoyingly optimistic, excited about life person I used to be, and I don't really think I CAN go back there. I'm too jaded now. I miss the ability to be so blissfully ignorant. I wish I could have lived there forever.

[anniegirl]

I want to add that I don't personally equate dating with BAG.

 

I totally agree with this.  I was feeling alive and centered and myself again before I became involved in a relationship.

 

I think these are good points to make. Relationships post widow are not a marker of BAG because being BAG, like grieving itself, isn't one size fits all.

 

And it seems that in the world at large, moving into another relationship, or at least dating, is viewed as part of the "healing".

 

I know that once I was in a new relationship and married again, most of my friends and family viewed this as a sign that I was "over" my late husband, which was ridiculous. I'd been a long term caregiver. I was still recovering from that emotionally and physically (so too was my husband b/c he'd been a caregiver to his LW too.) But people equate new relationships with "all better now".

 

It's important to note too that another relationship can be "necessary" (can't think of another term but not entirely happy with it) on a personal level that has nothing to do with widowhood and everything to do with just who one is and knowing one's self but that the opposite is equally valid.

 

One thing I have observed over the years of occasional lurking at the YWBB is the change in attitude and support level where recoupling is concerned. That's probably another post so I won't go too much into detail but there was a time when dating/mating in the first year or two was frowned on (or worse). I am glad to see that this has changed.

 

However, I still think that those who chose to explore/expand as a single person are not always seen as having chose an equally valid path and face prejudice too.

 

So thank you OSAAT and Mizpah for bringing this up.

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

After reading all these posts only confirms to me even more why you are all needed here!  The varied paths you all took will resonate with those of us coming up. Thank you for sharing your journeys in this crazy grief journey.  Y'all better not go anywhere!  We need you!

Hugs