The thoughts that have been running through my head these past 16 days

[Fran721]

I miss him so much. That's the feeling that overwhelms me the most. Then I always remember how hard he fought and how he would never leave me on purpose. Then I feel incredible sadness for him. He was never suppose to die. A liver transplant was supposed to be the worst possible news. We were at one of the best hospitals in the world and had dozens of doctors following his care. They said his condition was nothing they had ever seen before. They were stumped but continued to try everything they knew.

 

I am glad he was confused at that point so he never truly understood what was happening. He would have been so afraid. He would have worried about me. I worry about him. What happens to someone when they die? How does no one know? I feel him with me though. I think about that last horrible week constantly. Why can't I think more about the good memories? The first thought I have in the mornings is that he is gone. I never want to accidentally forget for a second.

 

I want to die. I want to have the same sickness he had take me too. I want disappear. I feel so alone. My friends and family take care of me constantly and shower me with love. They have no idea how I feel. I am jealous of those in normal relationships. Jealous when I see my friends text their partner. Jealous of those whose biggest problems were once my biggest problems. I am mad at elderly people - this is not something I am proud of. How can there be so many elderly people walking around living their lives when my young healthy best friend cannot live his. I had a great great aunt who lived to be 105. I used to think that was so cool. Now I am only jealous that Houston did not get to live to middle age.

 

I will never understand why Houston died. No one will, including the doctors. However, the amount of kindness that has surrounded me continues to amaze me. Despite living my worst nightmare, people are good to me. I am loved and supported.

 

It is an indescribable feeling to realize you are living everyone's worst nightmare. Your life is what others fear. And for good reason. Houston would hate that I am living this life. He would hate how sad I am. His only goal was to make me happy. I do not want to fail him.

 

Thank you for the opportunity to type out my thoughts. It feels somewhat relieving. Though this is only my second post, I am on this website constantly reading everything everyone posts. I cannot describe how helpful it has been. Thank you.

[WifeLess]

Fran721,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

 

Of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. At just a few weeks, you should not expect to feel anything other than heartache, hopelessness and despair. Perhaps the best description I have read of the early weeks and months appears in "Letter to a Friend", which begins like this:

 

• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
  
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
  
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
  
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
  
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
  
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
  
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now.
  
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.

 

For the complete letter, here is a link:

 

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

 

But be assured that it does slowly get better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are extremely early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

--- WifeLess

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight hugs, Fran721. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Houston. I have felt all the feelings you describe at one point or another. The "why" questions are as maddening as they are heartbreaking. I'm so glad you have people loving and supporting you. They won't be able to fully understand the magnitude of what you are experiencing, but it is good to have them to lean on in the ways they can help you.

 

I hope this forum will continue to be a source of comfort for you. It and its predecessor have meant so much to me.

 

Adding more hugs...

[Trying]

Sending you big hugs, it is painful for me to look back to those early months through your words and remember the depth of pain, the fear, the loneliness. I am approaching 2 years and never would've believed that it would ever be less awful than it is in the beginning. Everything you are describing feeling is normal in this awful situation. And even though your friends and family really can't understand, it's good that they are there. When you know what you need, tell them. When you can't even put words to how you feel or what you need, just ask them to be with you. One breath at a time, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time until the ground starts to feel solid under your feet again.

[Mizpah]

Oh hon, if I could hug you through space (and myself back then through time!) I would.  Everything you are thinking and feeling is totally normal.  I believe it will always remain absolutely incomprehensible to you that he no longer exists.  It does for me, and he's been gone more than four years.  With time comes the ability to think of good memories more than death and the time immediately preceding it.  My DH was killed in an accident, and for months, I obsessed over the last 24 hours.  Not looking for anything, but just because that was the closest I could get to him, reliving it, remembering him alive so close in time.  Anger at the elderly turned into, for me, angry at people who wail and moan on their birthdays about getting old ("Aging is a privilege!  STFU!")  You will not fail him.  He chose you and would be proud of you for how you are surviving, for how you love him, for your honesty and bravery in facing your despair.  I'm thinking of you. 

[Aspen530]

I am so deeply sorry you have to join our group of despair. I am not much further out than you are and please know everything  u are feeling is the same that I do!

 

While I am still so new to this, my fianc? died August 15th I want you to know you are not alone in this pain.

No one will understand but the people here do and are so kind and helpful!

 

People say take one day at a time n I want to tell them to fuck off cause I can barely take one minute of this life.

 

We can do this together, like u said all they wanted was for us to be happy so we have no other choice but to breath in and out and I pray that one day breathing won't feel so difficult.

 

I'm sending you so much love! Post often and read others posts when u need extra support.

[w1d0w3r]

Let it out. Keep posting. The people here care about you and from one "new" person to another, can tell you there are fewer gifts more wonderful in this dark time you can give yourself than reaching out here as you grieve. This community is amazing and full of kind and understanding souls. My wife died not even 2 months ago and the collective wisdom of the brave widows and widowers, who like you, have opened their heart and shared their experience, pain, and loss here, has given me hope that the emptiness isn't going to take me with it. You are not alone.

 

w1d0w3r

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Fran,

 

I'm so sorry you had to join our club.  So much of what you have said resonated or still resonates with me. I'm not so adept at separating quotes, but I want to address these particular segments of your post, particularly as they relate to my first husband.

 

I am glad he was confused at that point so he never truly understood what was happening. He would have been so afraid. He would have worried about me. I worry about him. What happens to someone when they die? How does no one know? I feel him with me though. I think about that last horrible week constantly. Why can't I think more about the good memories? The first thought I have in the mornings is that he is gone. I never want to accidentally forget for a second.

 

I want to die. I want to have the same sickness he had take me too. I want disappear. I feel so alone.

 

It is an indescribable feeling to realize you are living everyone's worst nightmare. Your life is what others fear.

 

My first husband was also confused in the last couple of days of his life.  He had chosen to forego aggressive treatment (again) before becoming confused, but I feel like the confusion saved him from a lot of fear.  A few of days before he died, he went into a coma and was not expected to wake up...but he did.  He had no awareness in that coma at all.  When he realized that he would probably go into a coma again and die "in his sleep" as he saw it, he was greatly relieved.  I don't know if that brings you any peace about how your husband's death might have occurred.  I was grateful that he wasn't afraid in the hours before his final coma and death.

 

I also relived his last week and his prior hospitalizations in technicolor, as I called it.  I remembered every detail, every conversation, every smell, every sound.  We spent our last 2 wedding anniversaries with him in critical condition the ICU, and that is what I think of first on our anniversary.  After a couple of years, those memories became much more muted, but I can still call them to the surface if I wish.  I think much more about good memories of him now.

 

I've had the feeling of wanting to die as well, with the loss of my first husband and the loss of my second husband.  I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just weeks after my second husband died.  I just wanted it to kill me and put me out of my misery.  It hasn't.  I'll be 20 months out in a couple of days and fortunately, so far the cancer hasn't returned and I'm thinking about the future and wanting to be happy again.  Many of us feel that sense that dying would be quite an acceptable alternative.  If those thoughts bring you to thinking about self-harm, please be sure to seek help. 

 

The feeling of being alone is one of the hardest parts of this ordeal for me.  I know that there is this great community here and many of them I have met personally and I call some of them dear friends.  Still, though, I feel alone at times because all of the friends in the world can't give me the love and joy I had with my husbands.  Sometimes, we know we aren't alone in this journey, but we can still feel very much alone.

 

And yes...my life is what others fear.  It is what many people here fear, too.  But this is survivable.  I'm proof of that.  Just like you, sometimes I've had to live this life one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  But that gets us through.

 

Keep coming here, keep venting, make connections.  These folks are awesome.  They are the nicest bunch of people you never wanted to meet.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Jen]

You are not alone.

 

This. This is the most valuable thing I can reinforce for you. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

 

We're here. We're not going anywhere, much as that thought hurts. We get it.

[lcoxwell]

Welcome, Fran, though I am saddened that you have a reason to join us. Everything you are feeling is normal. As others mentioned, you are not alone in this. Please, come here to read and post as often as you feel the need, as there is always someone here who can relate in some way.

 

I was struck by what you said about being glad your husband was confused at the end, so that he didn't have to feel worried or afraid. While the circumstances of their deaths are different, my Kenneth was confused in his last days, as well. It never occurred to me to be reassured by that thought, but now that you have brought it up, I am glad my Kenneth did not have to spend his last days worried or afraid, either. I cannot tell you what peace that brings to me, so thank you for sharing that thought with us.

[Michael797]

To Fran (and any other newbies who found the place) - from a soon-to-be-14-month veteran. For whatever it might possibly be worth, here's what I would have wanted someone to say to me when it all fell apart:

 

Anything, anytime, anywhere, whatever you need or feel like you need or don't need or anything else - just ask. Just ask.

 

Even though you paid your admission with your dearest blood, you have just joined an army a thousand times stronger than the Marine Corps. I am living proof of this. It's coming on a year now since I joined, and I can say without any exaggeration that the wids I met literally dragged me out of the depths of hell. To all of them, I am eternally grateful, and I can count all of them as my dearest friends and inner circle.

 

None of it got easier in 14 months, but I've learned that I never have to be alone - EVERYONE else here understood each meltdown. Nothing was too insane for them. Death united us - I can't say any of us would agree that it made us stronger, but it did make us a formidable force.

 

If it is my turn to try to give something back, I welcome the opportunity. Rant, vent, scream, whatever - you are not only allowed, you are supported completely.

 

And my apologies if I've been remiss in checking in lately - but the seasons are changing and I sense a strong disturbance in the force. It's clearly time to be mindful of those who grew to mean so much to me. Old and new alike, if I can be of help, I will be. The word of a widow is unbreakable.

 

So - how may I be of assistance?

[Lisa]

Heartbreak and tears for all of you new to this journey. My deepest sympathy and empathy go out to you. I am so sorry for your pain. The part that was so excruciating is well over for me. I got through with the help and understanding of other widows one moment to the next. I posted a lot in the beginning. It really helped becauseIi thought I was craxy but I was mourning, like others.

(((Group hug)))

[Jess]

 

It is an indescribable feeling to realize you are living everyone's worst nightmare. Your life is what others fear. And for good reason. Houston would hate that I am living this life. He would hate how sad I am. His only goal was to make me happy. I do not want to fail him.

 

You know, I had the realization early on that somehow my life had become being that friend of friend you know of that had something horrible happen to them. You never really know the person yourself, you just heard their story and thought "Oh thank God, it wasn't me!" Yet, somehow, it IS me now. How the hell did that even happen?

 

You will not fail him. That was something that was fresh in my mind in the beginning as well. I was still around and I had to figure out why that was and what to do with my life. I knew if I stayed in a sad little ball, he would be destroyed. If he and I ever meet again, I know I need stories of what I did with the time he didn't have. I am working on that and have a few already for sure, and so will you in time.

 

For now, try not to worry about not being sad. We all know it is impossible because Houston was great enough to dedicate your life to and therefore is great enough to deserve to be mourned. Just focus on taking care of yourself the best you can so when it is time to make him proud, you are still around to do it. You can absolutely do this. You are doing this.

[Fran721]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. It helps so much to hear from others who have experienced the same horrible things that I am currently experiencing. I miss him so much. This morning was the hardest so far for me. I don't want to wake up another morning without him but I know that it will be this way for the rest of my life. He would hate all of this so much. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. And I am so, totally miserable. My friends and family have been taking excellent care of me. They have taken me hiking, paddle boarding, on a road trip, and to concerts. I am so appreciative to them for dragging me along and putting up with my crying bouts. It just sucks that I can't come home and tell Houston about it all. Gahh I just miss him. I know how much he would love that I am being taken care of though. He was my best friend. I would give anything to wake up next to him. To go to bed with him. To walk our dog with him.

 

As you all know, there are no words to describe how miserable this feels.

 

I am so grateful to this online community and so happy that I stumbled across this site. Even though I have only been coming here for 18 days, I already feel like it has been so beneficial to me. Thank you all.

 

[donswife]

I am so glad you reached out here

Like others have said this was a life saver for me and that's not an exaggeration

I am so sorry that you have to be a part of this community but know we are here whenever you need us

[linda5]

Fran, you're in my prayers.  I am now at 2 1/2 years without the love of my life.  I know it doesn't help you now, but it does get easier.  Just hang on.  Your friends and family won't get it, and they shouldn't because they didn't have to experience this kind of loss.  Know that what you are feeling is normal ... cry when you want; yell, scream ... anything to get those emotions out.  My first year was hell, the second wasn't much better, but now I'm functioning.  I'm praying for you.  Keep posting and reading.

[BrokenHeart2]

So sorry you are here Fran but glad you found us. Post anything you think we can't handle because we can. We've all been there. We get you don't want to wake up another morning without him. Take one day, hour, minute at a time. Drink lots of water (crying is dehydrating). It's all baby steps!

Big hugs to you Fran.

[gracelet]

Fran,

 

Welcome. I'm sorry for your loss and the horrible, horrible pain you are experiencing. You just keep taking it one hour at a time. Don't even bother thinking about the future. Survive for now. One day, you will find yourself living again. I promise. I'm nearly two years out since I lost my wife. I remember wanting to die too. I came extremely, dangerously close but many of these wonderful people on this board gave me just enough glimmer of hope to keep me going.

 

Scream, shout, let it all out (to quote will.i.am)

 

Xx