Human touch

[Trying]

I brought this up in response to another post but wanted to talk about it a little more and get some opinions.

 

Especially in my first year, but even still now, I craved human touch.  Anyone who was willing to give me a real hug, my kids snuggling with me on the couch, a pedicure or a massage.  I needed that contact to feel connected to the world, to feel comforted and to feel like someone cared about me.  Even if I was paying for a massage, for that one hour it was all about someone wanting to make me feel better. My therapist was great for listening to me, but that human touch was almost equally important to me. 

 

I've gone back to school for massage therapy and integrative medicine because I want to take my physical therapy career in a new direction.  I have an obvious desire to work with oncology patients and people with chronic disease based on my experiences with my father and DH during cancer treatment and hospice.  My son has a rare chronic disease and while he is doing very well, many other people I have gotten to know are not.  There is pain associated with it but also stress and isolation and that lack of physical contact.

 

Then I think about widows.  I would love to find a way to provide this service to people who are grieving, make it affordable and accessible, and get the word out about the benefits of massage and touch.  My dilemma is how would I do this without it looking like a marketing ploy, or taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable? I plan on doing some research in this area but figured I have a great resource in all of you. 

 

Do you crave touch?

Have you used massage for grief or stress reduction?

Have you ever scheduled a manicure or pedicure just to feel pampered?

If you feel that massage is beneficial, what is the biggest obstacle for your getting one?

What would your reaction be if you received card from a massage therapist describing the benefits of massage when grieving? Would a discount be an incentive to give it a try?

 

Please be honest with your feedback and know that my intention is help others with something I have found helpful and not to capitalize on the vulnerability of others.

 

If you have never had a massage I strongly suggest it!  If you have a massage therapy school near you, you can get one pretty cheaply from students in clinic.

[soloact]

After my husband died I missed his touch only. People tend to hug new widows and I hated that. It was a relief when I was beyond the "do you need a hug" stage. I don't like people touching me for no reason. Now I don't even like cyber hugs!

 

I had a few gift certificates for massage over the years but never used them. My husband enjoyed massage and went frequently. I guess we're all different.

[hachi]

Hi Trying,

 

Yes, yes and yes, but I do not think it has anything to do with grief itself. I think it is the way I am wired. Affordable and accessible would be the obstacles for me.

 

I don't really know how I would react to my massage therapist sending me a card regarding the benefits specifically when grieving. I think that may be a little overstating. I mean, some might not actually feel those benefits, as soloact states.

[MissingMyJon]

I like the idea in theory, but am worried how I will handle someone other than Jon giving me a massage.  He went to school for massage therapy, and I just loved his massages.  Just thinking about it brings me to tears.  I am hoping it would help ease my stress, as massages are intended to do, but I think at least for now it will just cause me pain, so I haven't gone. 

 

I so miss the human touch of an adult, something more than just a brief hug. 

As to how I would feel if I received a card about how massage therapy can help with grief, I don't know.  It might be overstating, as was said earlier.  Maybe instead of having the card designed with text/graphics showcasing benefits for those who grieve, maybe instead make it more general, but maybe have the same questions as you laid out, do you crave touch?  Are you stressed or anxious or tired?, etc.  To kind of have the card be for those that are grieving without actually stating it, if you understand what I am saying.

 

[Carey]

I don't have advice. The closest I have come is pedicures which I CRAVE but rarely can afford. So yes, money is the only real reason why I haven't tried. I carry a LOT of tension in my neck just at the base of my skill and I don't think my job (office work) helps any.  I have a really good friend that I just generally lay all over lol. He's a guy but he's married so there is no "pressure" or anything that can be read into it other than he is my bestie and cares a lot about me so I lay on his chest or just walk up and ask for hugs all the time. I know that not everyone has that.  And really it's funny ... if someone I barely know wants to hug me because I lost Chad, I HATE that. So with it being a "paid professional" per se, I think that takes the pressure off and would allow me to just enjoy it. 

[widowat33]

A couple of years ago my dh bought me a spa day..massage, pedicure, manicure, facial,etc.. I hated it,lol.

I've never really enjoyed massages, or people touching me for that matter. Except him. I crave his touch, not just anyone's.

It's so odd that you put this on here, as lately I've thinking that since his death I can't stand anyone touching me, except of course hugs and kisses from my boys, but that's it.

Before I didn't mind the occasional hug from someone, but now I just can't stand it.

Again everyone is different and I can honestly see how touch can be comforting. As a counsellor we are encouraged to tell clients about self care, and one of the aspects at the top of that list is getting a massage, and all of my friends list that as one of the best ways to de-stress.

I think it's a wonderful idea, and would be great for most widows. Sometimes when we are so burdened with grief we forget to take care of our whole self. Yes we eat, drink water, etc.. But to be holistic we need to take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually, not just physically.

I don't think you are trying to take advantage of the vulnerable, just offering services to help those who you can empathize with.

 

[Abitlost]

Trying,

 

What a wonderful thing you are doing. My husband's oncologist had a team of massage therapists come in twice a week to give extremity and neck massages while the patients were in treatment. They also gave full massages twice a month in their spa. The therapists were so well trained at being gentle and knew all the side effects of the treatment. My husband loved it.

 

I was given a couple gift certificates for massage but it took me years to use them. For one, I didn't want anyone other than DH to touch me. Also the logistics of having kids, etc made the thought of scheduling an hour for myself overwhelming. And also an hour of quiet, peaceful time would randomly give me an anxiety attack. Even though I had a profound case of skin hunger, if someone had told me in those early days that a massage was beneficial for grieving widows, I would have had a meltdown.

 

Your heart is in the right place, but my advice would not be to market directly to widow/ers. As we know, everyone processes grief differently; what may be comforting to one is offensive to another. At most, I would offer a gift certificate for a free 20-30 minute massage but make it generic. If a widow/er is craving touch and receptive to massage, s/he is aware of it and would welcome the gift. If a widow/er isn't receptive, your suggestion may have a deleterious effect.

 

abl

[marjoe]

Trying, I think the direction you're going in is truly a wonderful thing. My answers:

 

At first, I didn't want anyone to even touch me. That was very early on - then, hugs were accepted, then appreciated, then they became the norm, and still are.

Absolutely. I vividly remember eyeing up that bottle of xanaax...then calling my massage therapist (after a major meltdown) and scheduling a massage (this was at 2 or 3 months out). And I've done it regularly since then.

Yes.

Financial - at $80 a pop I can't have a massage as often as I would wish.

I don't know. If I were to get a cold call, in the beginning, I think it just would have made me feel strange. I was lucky in that I had been going to my massage therapist for a number of years. But then again, word of mouth from someone I trusted, recommending someone? I don't think I would have been adverse.

 

Good luck! Marsha

[soloact]

This is an interesting discussion. I may be tempted to book a massage with a PT who went on to therapeutic massage. PT's can work miracles IMHO. The early grief had me so tense. Muscles were screaming. It could have worked for me then.

 

Again, I am not the usual customer so my opinion should be taken with a pound of salt.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Anyone who knows me knows I love hugs.  Fortunately, I have some huggers nearby.  This morning I got to have a late breakfast with one of my adopted kids...I've informally adopted a couple of college students who also knew my husband and had the opportunity to travel internationally with us.  John's students, some of his faculty friends and my own faculty friends on campus will also hug me when they see me.  There's nothing like a knowing hug, at least to me.

 

I've also recently started seeing a massage therapist, primarily to work out tightness in my feet and the mild lymphedema that developed due to nerve and lymphatic pressure in the weeks leading to my surgery and subsequent cancer diagnosis.  As you know, Trying, her techniques are not only reserved to my feet.  She has treated me much more holistically than the PT's I saw a year ago, who were restrained by strict outpatient schedules, documentation requirements, and insurance policy limitations.  So far, I'm happy because I am actually seeing changes.

 

As far as advertising, I realize that you will have to market yourself.  Perhaps you will find good ways to say that you are experienced in and sensitive to issues of chronic disability, oncology, grief and loss.  Your background in PT should help you with networking.  Maybe it helps that I know the kind of work you have done (beside me, many moons ago!) and the ethical practitioner that you are.  More power to you!

 

Maureen

[klim]

I'm not a hugger. Hugs from friends and acquaintances have always been awkward. Even in my first few days after DH died, when the hugs were all over the place, it wasn't doing it for me,( although the gestures were appreciated.)I felt uncomfortable on the two occasions I went for a massage.

 

Having said all this I don't think hearing about it as a grief aid would weird me out. I just don't think I'd choose it.

 

 

Ps thought I should add I've always like being hugged by my guy, but that is different.

[calimom]

I'm a pretty huggy type of person, and do like physical touch.  I also love massage, I remember the first one I had after becoming widowed (my mom gave me a gift certificate to a spa) and I cried through the first half.  The practitioner was so accessible and compassionate; the field draws people with those characteristics, I think.  I still get massage, it's helpful now to work out the kinks from my very physical work, and also the emotional stress of my single parent life.  Anyone who knows me knows I appreciate a gift card for a massage far more than I would a sweater or something like that as a present.  I also budget it in every now and then as a treat for myself, my original masseuse has moved away, but her replacement is quite good

 

Not sure how it works in your state as your achieve accreditation, but would it be possible to work on recipients who are in a state of grief to gain hours?  I'm sure you could plug into willing participants via this site, or other channels.  For the long term, it might be tricky.  New widows are so often inundated by "offers" for so many services like financial planning, home repair and such that even a well intentioned offer such as yours might be misconstrued.

 

Wishing you all the best in your new career, and I think you will be great at it.

 

 

[Trying]

This is why I come to all of you here, I love all of the different perspectives and the reminder that we may all be widows but we are still unique individuals.  I think I have something wonderful to offer people like me who benefit from touch and would never presume that it is right for everyone.  I don't like the ick factor of cold calling on new widows like the financial advisors and real estate agents who send out mailers based on the obituary page.  I'm passionate about helping people which is why I became a PT and why I'm persuing this new career path.  Self care is important in whatever way works for each person. Massage, exercise, meditation, prayer, hiking, gardening, knitting, petting an animal, we are all different, but we all need to do something to fill the well.  My wish for each of you is that you tap into something that takes care of you.

 

I promise I will not force myself on any of you non touchy feely types! Lol. But when I have to get my clinic hours in I would happily take volunteers from anyone in the CT area.

[BrokenHeart2]

I am so saddened, I tried to do a website for my wonderful  massage therapist, at least 8 hrs to it, nothing since from her. wow, it's seeming to me people only come around when they want something. I am so saddened by this. WTF?

[BrokenHeart2]

BTW, I loved getting a massage! Now with what happening saddens me.

[hachi]

Trying,

 

In thinking about this a little bit more, and reading some of the other responses, I think this is a really great idea. Like Calimom, I did cry through some of the first massage that I got after I became widowed. At the time, I figured, what the hell, I don't know this therapist. She's probably had someone cry before. But I think I would have been less self conscious if I new my practitioner was, as Maureen said "experienced in and sensitive to issues of chronic disability, oncology, grief and loss."

 

Oh, and if I was closer, I'd be all over the volunteer thing! I wish you the best with this... 

 

[Jen]

I absolutely crave touch-- sometimes, almost unbearably so. That said, I haven't gotten a massage, or even a manicure, because I'm afraid of two things: one, I would break down right there in front of everybody (although massage therapists I've known say that happens fairly frequently, and it's not a big deal), and I would come to rely on it for a "fix." Better to learn to deal with the starvation, maybe? I don't know... I wish I could find some way to either remove the need or find someone to provide it consistently. Hugs from my kids and, occasionally, coworkers are great, but... :-\

 

I don't know if this helps at all, just my 2 cents. Hugs! (lol)

[Trying]

BH2, I don't know why someone would do that to you, of course you are saddened.

 

Emotional releases are very common with massage, it has happened to me and it's been just as helpful, to me, at certain times as my psychologist.

 

Jen, maybe start with just a manicure and work yourself up to a massage.  Cost is a deterrent for coming to rely on it for a fix I think.  I have been fortunate to have gotten several gift certificates for massage including one recently from the realtor who sold my house.  Now I get them at school!  The best part about giving a massage is that it becomes all about the person on the table and not about me.  Getting out of my own head is a beautiful thing.

[DansSoulmate]

I think this is a wonderful idea and if you haven't treated yourself to some pampering you should put it on your list of things to do.  I was fortunate to receive gift cards that have helped defray the cost and in one case it was free because the student needed the hours.  Beyond touch though there is another helpful aspect for me and that's just warmth and the transfer of positive energy.  I remember early on sitting in a movie theater next to a big burly guy who was really warm (like a furnace) so I moved my arm closer to his to catch the warmth, lol.  But I think  massages, facials, pedicures, and manicures are just a start for taking care of yourself in this stressful time.  I think other tools such as meditation and aromatherapy, among others, can be useful too.

[Alexsander]

Someone posted this link years ago when I was going thru this. It helped me a lot:

http://outlawblogspot.blogspot.com.br/2005/10/skin-hunger.html

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow A, thanks for posting that link. I sure can relate and it helps to know I'm not crazy ( once again

[Joey]

..... Now I don't even like cyber hugs

 

Funny as hell!