Thinking of ending my relationship

[CHM1988]

I met my new boyfriend (I'm a gay male, just to clarify) several months after my Christopher died in a bicycle accident in November 2013.

 

Me and the new guy have had great times and he's been very patient and understanding with me regarding my grief. We've had great times and made great memories together. Of course we had our hard times as well, but we always worked through them. In September, I moved in with him. It was a pretty big move from him as I left NYC to live in the Hudson Valley with him. I still work in the city so I don't have to miss it too much, and I was really excited about making this change in my life. It felt so good. For about 5 seconds.

 

Then we fought, every weekend when we were together, almost all weekend. We are struggling a lot with money. We make ends meet, but barely. There's nothing left for dates or trips or anything extra. He wants to leave the NYC area, I don't. He's 34, I'm 27, our priorities are a little different. Basically there's just a lot of strain on our relationship right now and we're almost at the point of being more roommates than boyfriends. I hate it, and we're trying to get closer, but I'm worried with all the fighting we did and the distance we created that it's just too late. I keep saying I want to try to get that closeness back but nothing seems to work.

 

To top it all off, the 2 year anniversary of Christopher's death is coming up in less than a month. This whole time of year just messes with my head and I'm struggling with a lot of anger right now and my heart just aches all the time. I'm worried this could be clouding my judgement and making me want to break up with my current guy more than I would if I was thinking clearly. Christopher was my first boyfriend, I thought we'd be together forever and so of course I've never been in this position before. Living together makes it 10 times harder. Sigh.

 

I guess I'm just feeling very lost and sad and I could use some virtual hugs and maybe a little advice.

[Mizpah]

Wow.  You're me.  Except for a bunch of differences.

 

So first: I'm so sorry.  Relationship strain is so painful.  The disappointment is so painful.  The wondering if it's past the point of repair is so  painful. 

 

I'll tell you my story just so you know you're not crazy/the only one.  I lived in the City (UES) for over a decade.  I'm from upstate (PM me!).  I never felt I belonged in the little town in which I grew up, always wanted out.  I was living my urban dream.  Then DH was gone.  A year and a half later, the man renovating my mom's apartment (upstate) lost his fiancee.  I reached out to him to pay forward the support I'd gotten.  We texted a bunch, platonic grief buddy stuff.  A few months later, we met and there was instant chemistry.  It's funny, because I'd just been thinking I wanted a big life change.  I didn't anticipate that within a few months, we'd be serious, I'd be pregnant, I'd be looking for a job upstate, and planning my move to his house outside a super-rural town. 

 

We were awesome at long distance.  We were so mutually supportive.  We communicated great.  We had passion and lust and chemistry.  Then I moved.  It was intense.  I was homesick.  I felt out of place.  I was lonely.  He wondered where the exciting, strong, independent woman had gone.  The more he withdrew, the sadder and more disappointed I got, and the angrier and more regretful he got, and it was an ugly cycle.  The closeness we had was replaced by discord, differences, disagreements, anger, fought constantly - we became enemies rather than allies.  Definitely financial trouble as well.  We are extremely different from each other in important and non-important ways, and our lost loves were PERFECT for each of us.  There was a lot of comparing (he out loud, me silently in my head).  The fighting and being at odds really took its toll - we both default to defensiveness and it became almost impossible to have fun together. 

 

If we didn't have the baby, I would have left long ago.  But I'm glad I didn't, and truly love him, and really hope things can work out.  There have definitely been huge improvements, and I have hope. 

 

It's so hard to know what to do.  It seemed to me I was left with only bad options, and it sounds like you feel the same way - leave him and it sounds like there's a lot you like about it, or stay and who knows if there can be healing from the damage.  Have you gone to therapy at all?  Want my lady on the UES?  Did you move into his place?  It's so hard to enter someone else's home/life.  It's so so so hard to change patterns of behavior and thought, but I think it can be done, if you can/want to make the effort, if it's not too late.  There are so many difficult challenges you're facing.  And the emotional toll of all the fighting puts it in this atmosphere that is so damaging.  Come deep north and hang out with me!  No one knows what to do but you, and maybe not even you.  I'm going to go to a new therapist.  Maybe you should.  I wish I could tell you what to do.  I wish someone could have told me what to do.  I never realized how complicated things could be. 

 

I'm sorry - I'm not helpful.  But I have tons of empathy and am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I wish there was something I could do. 

[klim]

Don't have great insight or really a relatable experience but my gut says , if you can ride this out till after the sadivesary and see that after that tensions don't subside a little and more reasonable thought and logic return and then you'll know you're making a well thought out decision and not a decision based on emotional upheaval.

[Jess]

Lots of virtual hugs to you, CHM1988. I do agree with klim. It may or may not be better when you are more steady on your emotional feet, but I think trying to hang in there to find out will not leave you with possible regret for maybe leaving something that might get better. I hope time will make you feel less lost and more sure that whatever you decide, it is the best choice for you.

[Trying]

Sending you virtual hugs.  I agree also that you shouldn't make any decisions until you pass the sadiversary and can focus more on your current relationship, those dates can bring so much emotional turmoil. 

[SoVerySad]

I don't have any advice to offer as I have not explored the thought of a new relationship, but I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and lost right now. I am sending you tight, tight hugs!

[Guest TooSoon]

I inadvertently and unexpectedly met someone on ywbb after only 9 months.  I was SO SUPER NOT OK when we first started corresponding, still in the depths of not just grief but total confusion.  I didn't want to hurt him, me, my daughter or anyone else so I took being cautious to a level that would be tough to replicate.  Even once things got serious, many months later after a long correspondence and some tip toeing around, I still have had major breakdowns, periods of questioning, wanting to push him away in spectacular Bridget Jones-like moments.  I kept going to therapy and I started to take on my grief like a project - one component at a time but never the big picture.  Never, ever the big picture all at once.  I started to be very honest with him about Very Big Things because I knew that if I didn't feel like I had resolution with them (who would take my child if I die and that leaving my job is basically a non-option, e.g.) I could not proceed.  Little by little we were able to build a really strong foundation, but it took time, it took conscious effort and some missteps (not all on my part, I might add, though probably mostly on my part).  But though we haven't figured out the problem of him there, me here, I think we've done the hard work getting there requires for us.  I needed to know it was for the long term before I started making big choices (and in truth, all we have is a commitment; we haven't tested co-habitation like you have though we've tried to ease into it both together as a couple and with our three children).  Your situation is a bit different.  Everyone's situation is unique.

 

I say this as a preface to my more important questions.  Do you love him?  Does he love you?  Do you trust him in all of the ways that matter to you?  When you are happy, are you really, truly in your  bones, happy?  Does he give and do you give in turn and does giving bring you joy and is it balanced?  And for that matter do you both forgive one another in equal measure?  When you look at your relationship from the outside in, what do you see?  Do you like what you see?  I don't know the details or how old you are or what your circumstances are but in my mid-forties, I needed affirmatives to each of these questions before I could commit fully. 

 

Grief is so complex.  Sometimes we might lose sight of something good, clouded by our former expectations of a life we can no longer have but then have no clear vision of what the next stage is going to look like on top the realization that actualizing it is all up to us and us alone!  That's intense!  Grief has also made me impatient, causing all manner of problems as my partner is in the UK and we don't have easily transferable careers and I've found myself acting like a child sometimes, stomping my feet in protest of something I want but can't have.  I no longer mourn the past but I am so eager to get on with the future that that's now become the thing that gets in my way sometimes.  A process always, I'm afraid. 

 

You can pm me too.  And you asked for hugs so, (((hugs))).  You're going to find your way.  We all will. 

[canadiangirl]

Sending you the virtual hugs and support you requested, CHM1988.  I have no thoughts of dating or Chapter 2, but I have moved into someone else's life before and had someone else move into mine.  Neither went well.  I think being widowed has a big effect on identity - after all, the future you planned goes sideways and you have to reinvent it.  There is also a reinvention (or at least rediscovery) of self.  When that reinvention takes place in a context where you have parachuted into someone else's world, it seems almost inevitable that it would be complex and fraught with challenges.  I applaud you for putting love first and even making this attempt at this time - it is valiant to me.  I would make sure you keep your eye on the prize that you first saw -that love.  Wishing you the best whatever you decide.

[Captains wife]

First of all, sorry this has transpired into such a difficult relationship. Dating is one thing, living together, in each other's space all the time is quite another. Grief is such a roller coaster and those who haven't experienced it, don't get it..this I have found out.

 

I have been dating someone for 17 months and its been a roller coaster ride sometimes - but I am trying to be fair and ask myself....am I unhappy with this person or is it my grief speaking or am I just unhappy with my change in situation post widow ? (after all, it is VERY different being a couple and being married, to getting back to dating and getting to know and understand and relate to a whole new person).

 

Sadiversaries, especially the early ones, can be tough - get some space if you need it during this time and be good to yourself. Following this period, try and sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion about what is bothering you and why and what are your suggestions for fixing it. At least then, if you put in the effort and the relationship still doesn't improve in the future, you can walk away knowing you tried and that it wasn't meant to be if the other person cant reciprocate.

 

Wishing you all the best and lots of widow support....

[Justin]

CHM,

 

One of my best friends was in a long-distance relationship, with some plans of his then-girlfriend eventually moving to be with him. He talked about how he would sell his house, and they would buy a new one together because he "couldn't just expect her to drop right into his life". Has your partner expected you to just drop into his life, or do you feel like you have your own identity - maintaining contact with old friends and still pursuing your own interests? I am preparing to move almost 2,000 miles next spring and this is something my lady and I have discussed. She has done everything possible to make our new place together feel like "our home", but still I will be leaving the familiar and it is important to me that I make my own friends (hers are great, BTW) and hobbies when I move. I think it is healthy for me to maintain my own sense of self, and that job is up to me as I get lost inside my own head sometimes.

 

That being said, as you know, compromise is important in a relationship and so is teamwork. My late wife and I struggled with money off and on. It wasn't always her fault by any means, but she was not a good manager of money and refused to discuss things with me. A pride-thing, I guess. This caused a lot of tension and stress just because we couldn't work together to achieve a common goal. She also refused couples therapy when I wanted us to pursue that avenue. We eventually got to a good place, but it could have been so much easier.

 

I am a worrier by nature, and a very anxious person at times. I am slowly learning to: 1) let go of the past, and  2) forgive myself. I know you worry that they damage is done, but try to stay in the present and evaluate where you two are right now. Personally I am quite fond of this passage from the New Zealand Prayer Book (Anglican church), and you don't have to be religious to appreciate its simple beauty:

 

It is night after a long day.

What has been done has been done;

what has not been done has not been done;

let it be.

 

Try to do your best to stay in the moment, be kind and gentle with one another, and find the romance again if you can. My late wife and I spent too much time dredging-up past wrongs when we should have concentrated on the present.

 

I've only had one death anniversary, but yeah - it messed with me some, too. Also, the other significant dates, holidays, changing to fall this year. It is wise that you recognize that you might not be thinking clearly. Perhaps wait a bit before making a decision you may regret later.

 

I wish you all the best. Good luck,

 

Justin

 

 

[Bunny]

Don't really have any advice, but I will say this; I've tried to break up with my boyfriend starting back to when we were just hanging out as friends. I mean, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person- he makes me insanely happy- but I also, periodically, wanna break up with him.  I just do. And it usually seems to coincides with highly emotional times. Thankfully, I've learned to keep these trips to crazy town to myself, though he does seem to have a sixth sense for when I'm feeling this way and is very good at dealing with me...man, dating and being in a relationship as a widowed person is just plain weird, isn't it?

 

Good luck!

[Bear Tomás]

A "relationship" should bring more joy than pain. I am so sorry for your loss, bro.

[anniegirl]

Money problems can strain any relationship and having different visions of the future (like where to live) can too.

 

You also have a bit of an age difference that puts you in different life stages.

 

It's not impossible to turn things around with communication and commitment to mutually agreed upon goals but it's also okay to decide that the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on.

 

What do you really want? That's the question and the answer will help you decide what the course of action is.

[CHM1988]

I cannot thank everyone enough for your virtual hugs and words of advice! Seriously, I can't say what I'd do without this network of caring, resilient and wise widdas!

 

For now, my boyfriend and I are going to keep trying. We both need to take more steps to ensure that we are being mutually respectful, that we are communicating well. I am the KING of bottling things up/pretending nothing is wrong, I'm sure many here can relate to that. I was always like that, but dealing with grief doesn't help.

 

We're definitely not out of the woods, but we are doing a little better, and we're going to scrimp and save to take a little weekend trip, just the two of us, in the near future which I think will be great for both of us.

 

I was in therapy for a year after the accident, but then I had to go on Medicaid and it's tough to find a therapist covered by them, but I've also been slacking on finding a new one, which is now a top priority. 

 

In the meantime I'm really just taking things day by day leading up to the 2 year anniversary.

 

Again, thanks all and sorry it took me so long to respond.