I saw this article today...

[Wheelerswife]

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

 

I can relate to much of what is said here.  I really don't know anything about the author, and I don't want to endorse anything else about him without further research, but this article hit the nail on the head for me.  Someone just recently told me that everything happens for a reason and to put the past behind me in order to move forward.  Uhhh...and how do I just do that?  No understanding whatsoever.

 

Maureen

[Sugarbell]

Yes!!

 

I so agree...and I can't the platitude "Everything happens for a reason"--I used to hear it so many times.

 

I say bullshit..Sometimes bad stuff just happens to really good people for no reason. Just a random thing..genetics, laws of physics, whatever. But there isn't any grand plan in the whole thing. Random.

 

I do believe we have the power and capacity with how we handle shitty situations....but that's our free will. Not some random grandiose plan.

[Mizpah]

I saw this too, and loved so much about it, but among all the great things in it, I loved this quote the best.  It's so obvious, and we all say it in so many ways, but he really put it in a way I liked:

 

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."

[canadiangirl]

Thanks -shared this on FB.  I honestly rarely hear this and I don't know if I would respond so extremely as for me it is just part of DGI.  But it certainly is a big peeve of mine.  There was no reason, divine or otherwise, that my DH died so young and suffered so much and is not here with us, to be with his beloved child.  I absolutely do not accept this, on any level.  ((Wheelerswife))

[serpico]

I don't like hearing that 'everything happens for a reason', but I also think the writer significantly overstates his point, as in...

 

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

 

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

 

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives.

 

'Violence'? 'Destroys lives'?  Gimme a break.

 

There is a huge difference between someone offering a silly platitude and someone trying to do 'emotional violence' to someone or to 'destroy' someone's life.  For the writer to give mere words that much power is, to me, to suggest that we as widows just can't handle hearing things that might upset us...that those words do 'violence' to us and may 'destroy' our lives.

 

Again, I don't advocate the phrase 'everything happens for a reason' and would never use it myself, but to get as worked up about it as this guy does isn't helping us widows.

[Quixote]

Maybe not "destroys lives"  but it is annoying as all get. Twenty years of my wife fighting various life threatening illnesses, and I'd have people tell me that "brought us together".  Uh, no.  We loved each other desperately for many years before the second cancer hit.  We were happy thinking that she was past all that. (I met her just after her she'd been declared in remission)

 

Maybe some people learn to "treasure each day" and all that stuff after a tragedy  But a lot of us were doing just fine beforehand and don't view death and pain as a gateway to some new age self actualization BS.

 

 

[Captains wife]

Thanks for posting - enjoyed reading the article. I used to think everything happened for a reason, then my husband died suddenly. At first I wondered what the reason was behind that ? And in the end I came up that it didn't happen for a reason....the accident just happened and its left us all worse off who knew him.

[Kealoha]

Thanks for the article Maureen.

 

I admit, I use that phrase (and still do) primarily as a reminder to myself not to get overly invested. More in the sense of "oh, I didn't get that interview callback" (but something else that is a better fit is waiting for me).  Now that I think about it I don't say it to others, not in relation to really important matters and especially not for loss/grief. 

 

It is totally inappropriate for the context of loss and I have been fortunate to have a lot of friends who have just been there without trying to rationalize anything.

 

Sorry that you have been on the receiving end of this from people who have no idea what you're going through!

[MrsT85]

I agree, Mizpah -  I really enjoyed the article but that line - with its simplicty and its power - just stopped me in my tracks.

 

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried"

 

I'm another one who will never be at peace with him dying and will always want the life I had with him back.  And sometimes I feel like I'm not handling my grief correctly because I'd still give up everything I've worked for and everything I've rebuilt my life into if only I could have that chance.  I see others who approach it with more grace - who've grown to a point where they say they wouldn't want their old life back because of all that they've learned - and feel like I'm doing something wrong.  That what I feel is wrong.

 

And then one of you lovely people post this article and it makes me feel normal again.  That loss and grief and pain sometimes are things you have to carry around with you for the rest of your life and that's okay too.

 

So thank you for the link, Maureen. 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Well written article, but I haven't read it entirely.

I don't think there's any ill intent, but grief is never one size fits all.

I'll have to retread it to make any assumption.

[Jess]

...and feel like I'm doing something wrong.  That what I feel is wrong.

 

I think most of us have times where we feel we are doing this grief thing wrong and I think that it is so important to remind ourselves that although we have all been thrown together in the solidarity of common experience, our reactions and personalities are different and one way is not better than another.

 

Just to give the flip side of things, more and more I am moving to the side of having too much I would have to give up to have my old life back. What plagues me about this is wondering if somehow I glossed over some part of the grieving process. Even though my husband was my everything when he was here and even though I still have hard days and tears, how is it that I could find it hard to exchange what I have now for what I had when others would give anything to have their spouses back? What is wrong with me? The answer, when it comes to my grief anyways, is nothing is wrong with me. I am just myself. And you are yourself. And there is nothing wrong with how your heart handles grief. Nothing. Yet both of us probably get too worked up about about the hypothetical impossibility of having the men we lost back and what it would mean to our "now".

[Euf]

Thanks for sharing. Great article.

 

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow..

 

That type of thinking just pisses me off.  I was growing when my husband was alive. I'm still growing, but it was a lot more enjoyable when he was alive.

 

 

[Trying]

Thank you for sharing.  This is something that makes me cringe whenever I hear it.  Searching for the "why" or being made to feel like I  have to turn tragedy into something positive is not helpful in any way and can make me feel like I'm failing at grieving.  Are there some ways in which I have grown and changed in a positive way as a result of my loss? Definitely.  Do they outweigh the negative effects of losing my DH? Absolutely not! I would gladly trade my hard won life lessons to go back my life with DH. 

[Mancino]

Yep, there is no good reason why my husband died of cancer; it just is what it is (something he always said to me).  I heard a line in an episode of "Criminals Minds" a while back that stuck with me.  It went something to the effect, "Sometimes you do everything right and you still lose".    That's more in line of how I felt about our whole situation with his cancer diagnosis and treatment.  He did everything he was supposed to do and yet he still died, just like so many others.    Shit happens (or as a coworker used to say, "Excrement Occurs") 

 

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Kinda goes with the "I am so blessed" stuff. I practice gratitude daily...but that slogan always irked me (and I am a person of faith)

 

No you aren't blessed...you're lucky...or worked your ass of for it...or someone helped you along the way. The whole "blessed" always (to me anyway) gibes off the vibe of being the chosen ones...and those that have shitty things happen just haven't been good enough to be as blessed. But that's me...I know tons of people say it...And I do practice gratitude and being grateful..

 

I dunno..I believe in a higher power...good and evil...lightness and darkness....But all those religious platitudes just irk the shit outta me. --My jaded side I suppose.

[Trying]

I agree SB, I've said before I can't stand it when someone says that so and so beat cancer because so many prayed for them or because God must have a special purpose for them here on earth.  My DH had countless people praying for him and his job as a Dad was not finished, among other things.  Some people are lucky, some are not.  Sometimes people create their own bad luck, sometimes they fight like hell and it's still not enough.

 

Mancino, "It is what it is" was one of my husband's favorite lines.

[BrokenHeart2]

A friend sent this link to me today and I was just going to post it. Thanks WW, most of it sure resonated with me.

I hate platitudes and thank people who say' I don't know what to say'. Yes, I thank them and say ' you sad just the right thing thank you'. Usually they are left speechless.