To the new widows and widowers...

[Wheelerswife]

I've noticed that we have several newbies that have recently registered and I want to reach out to all of you.  You have sadly joined our club, but you may already be realizing that this is a club full of some really amazing people who understand what you are experiencing and who want to be present to you in ways that no one else can.

 

Some advice from a veteran who has walked this path twice....

 

Keep coming here and reading as much as you want.  It may seem like you spend too much time here, but this might be the only place you feel validated for all of what you think and feel.  There are a lot of us who come here and check in every day...or several times a day.

 

Realize that the people in your same time frame truly understand you the best right now.  If you start to follow those people, you will recognize that you start to develop a cohort.  This is a good thing, as those people will walk through the upcoming weeks, months and years with you.

 

Don't be afraid to reach out to someone with whom you feel a connection.  That connection could be age, the experience of a similar family situation, issues on children, the type of loss you experienced, or a philosophy of life.  It can just be that something resonates inside you.  Respond publicly if you want, or if it is something too personal, shoot off a private message. 

 

When you are ready, consider the possibility of meeting people here through a widowbago.  Widowbago is a term that was made up several years ago, sometimes shortened to "bago".  Basically, it is any kind of social gathering of widows and widowers.  It can be anything from a meal at a restaurant with a couple of people who live somewhat near you - to a weekend of 3 to 40 people at some type of destination.  I've met widows from across the country (and some from Europe, Canada and Australia, too) in my travels.  There is nothing like the instant connections and ease of conversation with others that understand.  If you don't see something near where you live, create your own post and look to see if there is anyone nearby.  I have a crew of friends from the greater New England area where I used to live, but nobody in the sticks of Kansas where I am now.  But I'm a traveler and I've met widows in a lot of places and I've never been disappointed in those connections.

 

And lastly...recognize that you have your own story and it is important and it is unique and at the same time similar to all the other stories you will hear and read.  Your story is important and it is important to be able to tell it.  And tell it again.  And again.  So, don't be afraid to say what you need to say in this safe space.  We get it...someone here will relate to the exact thing you have to say.

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

 

[br0peth]

Thank you.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thank you for taking the time to talk about this place a little. I'm so used to people not wanting

to talk about things that it's gotten hard to open up to people. I feel like I'm just venting half the

time. I'm glad to have found a place where people understand.

 

Thanks.

[Captains wife]

Thank you for this wonderful post Maureen - I am 3.5+ years out and this Board really helped me along the grief path. I still visit regularly....Being with other widows/widowers who are going through a similar set of emotions, who understand how hard this is, and how long it lingers and understand how most people who haven't been through it just cant seem to deal or do/say the right thing. I was never an open person, just plastered a smile on my face and said everything was ok to those who knew me - but this place has allowed me to open up, connect with others, commiserate as well as help others via posting. It really has helped me heal along the way.

 

I'm also very sorry you are with us to those who just joined but you have come to the right place...

[Neil2477]

Thank you for the post and positive words Maureen XX

I am 6 weeks into a very Long journey I think but this forum has been a Positive eye opener

Thanks again X

[canadiangirl]

And lastly...recognize that you have your own story and it is important and it is unique and at the same time similar to all the other stories you will hear and read.  Your story is important and it is important to be able to tell it.  And tell it again.  And again.  So, don't be afraid to say what you need to say in this safe space.  We get it...someone here will relate to the exact thing you have to say. 

 

Beautifully stated.  I support what Maureen says.  I am two years out but I come here to hang out in a safe virtual space because I do not have any widowed friends my age in real life (IRL).  I have no solo parent friends IRL either. I really appreciate it when new widow/ers post because chances are it resonates...and does not feel so long ago.  Like yesterday sometimes, really.  Please speak up if you have something to say or to vent about.  Even if there are not many responses, people do care. 

[TofinoMan]

Hopefully its okay to revive an older thread.

I'm new here to this forum joined about midnight Saturday when I could not sleep.

Again I lay awake late, my mind going at full speed, accomplishing nothing.

Used to be rare I had trouble sleeping.....now its the norm.

I was a bit angry at times long ago....but I had peace for so many years that I thought all anger was gone from inside me.

Growing up in a house with angry parents and siblings its what i knew when I was a kid.

Now i am so not a kid anymore, but 38 years old, and have a 5 year old daughter to raise alone.

The scary part is the level of anger I feel.

Its not always there as its mixed with many other emotions often.

But i swear i have become crazy or bipolar or something.

I can be fine one minute and want to smash stuff or punch someone the next minute because they pissed me off.

I yelled at a woman recently.....honestly cannot remember the last time i yelled at someone.

Its not rational, and its my fault for reacting to her stupid words, but in that moment it was like i had no control to stop my self so I yelled at her to say she is a stupid insensitive f.....g b...h.

I'm usually the nice guy with compassion.

Its gone....replaced with anger.

Yesterday I just threw my coffee cup across the deck and it smashed against the railing.

Not for a reason....just mad at the world it seems.

At the 2 month mark I thought I had it all under control and things were a lot better....its close to 3 months since Jenny died now and I am so fing mad.

I know it doesn't help it can only make it worse.

But damn the anger can just blow up inside of me.

 

Sometimes the last week or two I'll avoid my friends or employees because of what i might say that is just mean and should not be said.

I used to be this rational thinking guy many came to for advice because i was the voice of reason.....now I'm this raging lunatic who screams and throws things. Has anyone else who lost their wife or husband just been like a mad asshole?

Is it a phase or do i just need to punch a wall a thousand times to get rid of it or what?

[Wheelerswife]

Anger!  I had a lot of anger, particularly after the very unexpected death of my second husband.

 

Several years ago, probably within the first year of losing my first husband, a bunch of us who were on YWBB - a website that was the precursor to this one - we had a virtual plate-smashing bago.  One evening, we each went outside our homes at a predetermined time and smashed some old plates (some people got them at thrift stores).  I was surprised at how cathartic it was to do that, even though I didn't have much anger myself at that point.  Solidarity is a good thing, I think.  I'm not sure what the neighbors thought, but I didn't care.  Hint:  Throw a tarp down on the driveway first.  It is much easier to pick up the pieces after you smash the plates!

 

I don't think you are a mad asshole.  I think you are a deeply grieving man who rightly is angry to have lost such a beautiful wife.

 

Maureen

[Dean47]

That's really awesome Maureen! I'm a tad over 4 months and I just had to sell my sweet Nicole's car today...been close to tears all day. This is just the most overwhelming and unimaginable process...there is no way to prepare for it and then there is no remedy to treat it with...its like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded and your just trying to survive via the hope that calmer waters do exist in the horizon. Why? Why? Why?

[Wheelerswife]

That's really awesome Maureen! I'm a tad over 4 months and I just had to sell my sweet Nicole's car today...been close to tears all day. This is just the most overwhelming and unimaginable process...there is no way to prepare for it and then there is no remedy to treat it with...its like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded and your just trying to survive via the hope that calmer waters do exist in the horizon. Why? Why? Why?

Why?  That is a question that I asked a lot.  Why did my husband have to die when he had so much left to do in his life? 

 

Sadly, there is no answer to that question, but over time, it has lost some of its power over me.

 

Hugs to you...all of you so recently widowed.  I remember feeling like the pain was never going to lessen.  Fortunately, in time, it does.

 

Maureen

[Max2507]

I have always been an even keeled person, calm and rare to anger. I found the early months (and to be honest even now over three years later)the absolute rage and mood swings were insane. No filters left. it seemed everything was amplified. Nature and exercise are the  most helpful to me and getting enough rest. That definitely makes things worse not getting enough sleep or not eating regular. The smashing of things is cathartic, screaming when no one was around helped. Hope you can direct it into something that won't be harmful to yourself or others.

[TofinoMan]

Today was a hit better.

Didn't want to smash anything or punch anything today.

Even just nice customers which helps.

Its almost 6 pm and alone since my daughter is with her grandparents, so think i might drag the motorcycle out and go ride over a town for dinner.

Not a big deal normally, but today I consider it a success.