I am a DGI when it comes to divorced people

[Trying]

Specifically those with kids.  Your ex is alive, you once loved them enough to marry and make babies with them.  The only person that will ever love your children as much as you do is living, breathing, and raising your children.  When your child is going through a struggle, you have someone to discuss it with who can work with you to help your child.  When you are feeling burnt out from being a single parent and running a home by yourself you will have a weekend to yourself to catch your breath and catch up or just take care of yourself. 

 

My kids don't have their Dad, yours do.  When they need man type advice, he's not there.  When they do something great, they don't get to see the pride in his face.  He's not here to teach them to shave or to teach my younger 2 how to drive a car.  Your kids have a dad who is teaching them to throw a ball, swing a bat, dig a ditch, treat a woman with respect, solve math problems, build an awesome sand castle.  How are you not grateful for that? How is it that you don't see how important he is to them, just as important as you are.  When they run to him with open arms, get down on your knees and thank God you picked a good man to father your children.  I would give everything I own to be able to see my children run into their fathers arms again.

 

 

Sorry for the rant, this is obviously not pertaining to abusive, abandoning or deadbeat exes. And yes, I don't get it just like they don't get my situation. 

[kjs1989]

Yep, I understand where you are coming from, Trying. I have the same thoughts sometimes. The guy I am seeing made the early in our relationship statement, "Well they are similar," in reference to my widowed state vs his divorced state. It was almost a deal breaker for me right then and there. The look on my face when he said that must have made him think twice, because the next time we were together he had changed his tune completely. Thankfully, he cared enough about me to do his homework, read lots of articles online completely of his own accord, and educated himself. Three years later we are still together. He truly gets it.

 

I  also have a very dear friend who sometimes talks in terms of  our losses being similar. I tend to give her a bit of a pass because she was deeply in love with her husband when he blindsided her with divorce papers. It was absolutely devastating and I was not sure she was going to pull through ok. To her, he did die in a sense. But yes, her kids still have their dad, even though their respect for him has wained. Nonetheless, they have their dad to hug and take pride in their accomplishments. I don't point that out to her, though; I just listen and nod, because she has been there for me in some major ways.

 

In my mind, though. no comparison. None.

 

 

[SimiRed]

We are an Only parent, not a single parent.  That is a huge difference in my book.

 

As a widow, we lost our spouse when we were happy, and also for me, as a recent divorcee, I terminated the marriage because we were not happy.  I never want to associate with this person again, never want to hear his voice again...never.  He was divorced and never understood, always called my late husband my ex.  But he always said he knew what widowhood felt like because of the "death" of his first marriage.  This relationship was very abusive, not all divorces are, but still not comparable to death of my husband, him...I'd love to be able to talk to again.

 

Both divorce and widowhood involve grieving, yes, but as a widow, the marriage ended through neither of our "choosing", our marriages ended by a sudden or lengthy illness, accident, tragedy or other situation.  No, no comparison.  I just need to say that I also believe death by suicide is not a "choice" to leave, it's not that they wanted to leave, is was a personal pain (illness) that did that.

 

Like kjs1989 says, just listen and nod, because they are not going to get it anyway.

[serpico]

Trying - I really enjoyed your thoughts, as I am also dating a divorcee.  I especially like that you admit there are many things you don't get.  I am fully open to the possibility that being divorced could sometimes be worse than being widowed, depending on the circumstances.  There is no need for us widows to compare or try to one-up divorcees as to who has it worse.  I'd say both are pretty horrible.

[hachi]

My favorite DGI divorced person is my sister. She went through a horrific divorce mostly due to mental illness around the same time my DH passed away. We have learned so much from each other over the past few years. We will never understand each others pain completely. And that's okay. Although her marriage ended badly, she mourns the 20 happy years she had with him. He is not dead, but he is not the same person either.

 

She has learned never to begin any sentence with "at least..." and has become the one person I can share my memories of my DH with open and honestly. Last night she said to me "since you are crying already, (veteran's day posts on FB, and he was an army vet) can I show you something?" She proceeded to play a video of a cousins wedding where she was supposed to be taping the bride and groom but kept straying to DH and me dancing to Van Morrison's "Have I told you lately that I love you" and just having a great time laughing and holding each other. I did cry, but it was a good cry to remember how much I was loved and how I adored him.

 

I am so glad we got past the stages of feeling we DGI with each other. Maybe we will never get it completely, but we "get it" enough to help each other. Sometimes, I think people just want to relate to us so badly, but can't. And it comes out wrong. Sometimes. Other times, yeah.

[Trying]

I think it's just hard for me to understand hating someone that you made children with so much that you put your hate ahead of your children. I know many divorced couples who coparent very successfully, it is possible but both have to be willing.

[soloact]

I think it's just hard for me to understand hating someone that you made children with so much that you put your hate ahead of your children. I know many divorced couples who coparent very successfully, it is possible but both have to be willing.

 

 

Trying,

 

You don't understand it because it makes no sense. It's not you. Dead and alive are  total opposites. Not similar in any way.

 

Co-patenting is the responsibility of parents who decide not to live together. Spewing venom and putting kids in the middle is a form of child abuse. If a person hates the other parent more than they love the kid they shouldn't have kids.

 

 

[Abitlost]

I don't get it either, and frankly I don't respect it. I have never ultimately hated someone I once loved.

 

 

abl

[Guest Munsen]

I knew a woman who when Sara was dying she was going through a divorce. She said to me that she wished her husband was dying too and that I had it easy. That was the last time I spoke with her.

Yeah, I've heard people hint at similar feelings to me and I think I'm the last person you should be saying that to. My own sister was complaining to me about her drunken boyfriend then said, "Oh well, its better than being alone". I just told her that I would rather be alone than with a guy like that. But then she is an oblivious narcissist.

 

I actually got told in the grocery store check out line, just a few weeks after hubby's death, that my situation was better than divorce because this way I got all his stuff without having to go to court to get it?! I was so shocked, I had no answer.

  I would take being divorced and still having Sara alive over this. She loved my son so deeply.

I agree. Today, I would respond with, "I would have preferred divorce to death because then his children could still have had a relationship with their dad." Plus, this side of death, there is always hope for reconciliation. We were each others best friend on top of happily married, I would have hoped to have found that on the other side of divorce as well.

 

Oh, and the a**hat that said that to me? He has now reconciled with his wife that he divorced. So much for his stupid opinion.  I just want to beat him, every time I'm unfortunate enough to see him.

[Captains wife]

Exactly. Dating a divorced guy, so bitter about ex and marriage in general. Doesn't fully understand when I have cranky, off days as only parent. Understand divorce is heart-breaking and really tough and huge loss but it's not the same as widow/widower status at all.

[Trying]

My latest thought on this is that of course I would rather be divorced from DH so that my kids still had their father. But the thought of being filled with hate and anger towards him the way some divorced people are, breaks my heart. What an awful way to live, handing your children over 50% of the time to someone you hate or don't trust. Having no control over what they are exposed to when they aren't with you. Those kind of divorces are a whole different kind of hell than our hell. I admire the people who manage to be amicable and coparent their children respectively. But for the other types, get your head out of your ass and put your kids needs ahead of your own ego and need for revenge.

 

Just want to add, I'm not slamming NG, he is trying. Hi ex however needs a reality check.

[Guest nonesuch]

Exactly. Dating a divorced guy, so bitter about ex and marriage in general. Doesn't fully understand when I have cranky, off days as only parent. Understand divorce is heart-breaking and really tough and huge loss but it's not the same as widow/widower status at all.

 

Nope, it's not. When I met someone still bitter from his divorce twenty-odd years before, there was no second date.

[calimom]

These types of posts pitting the widowed vs. the divorced have always struck me as disingenuous.

 

Just as we widowed don't appreciate the "at least" comparisons: "at least he didn't suffer" (if our spouses died suddenly"; or "at least his suffering is over" (if they died after a long illness).  And the "at least you have the kids" (if you have the kids); and "at least you didn't have kids" (if you didn't have  the kids), we seem to have no problem saying shit like "at least your kids still have their father!!"; and "at least there's still a chance of reconciliation!!", and if we're running  short of cash one month: "at least you can hit him up for more child support and alimony!!".  Awful, all the way around.

 

Widowed will win every time.  We are self righteous, we are the best.  We understand the human condition, yes we do.

 

I've never been divorced, but it doesn't sound like a lot of fun.  My late husband was divorced from a woman I believe to be  mentally ill, though it's never been publicly diagnosed as such.  I ended up raising the child from that union after his death, which was not a burden, it has been my pleasure and my honor, I view that child my own as much as the children that emerged from my own loins.  In my widowhood, I've had a long relationship with a man who has also been divorced.  Their marriage just ran out of steam after 20 or so years.  It happens. His ex wife and I are friendly, and they have what might be described as a "good divorce".  Those of you here who are involved with divorced partners might do well to understand that a breakup of marriage takes two, it's generally not a "she's a bitch" type of situation.  True adults get this.  All kinds of things happen in life.

 

This is not a popular point of view here, and I get that.  We want to vilify, we want to find enemies and we want to always feel on top and feel superior to those we consider lesser than us. 

 

 

[Bear Tomás]

I agree with calimom which kinda shocked me.  lol

 

(Disclaimer: I have never been divorced so my opinion means nothing.  )

[canadiangirl]

With respect to some earlier posts, this site is anonymous.  The objects of any vents here (exes, in-laws, teachers, Stepford parents etc.) are not being harmed- in fact, if people have a safe place like this to let frustrations out, it is less likely that the objects will be subjected to the inner diatribes that people rightly or wrongly have with themselves.  I respectfully disagree with the suggestion that widows here are self-righteous or believe themselves expert on the human condition.  Even before being a widow, I knew that it is human to be imperfect, to feel envy, to compare, to feel injustice.  Now I am less perfect than ever because I feel those things more often.  I feel superior to no one.  Quite the contrary.

 

It has to be okay to discuss DGIs (and call them that), it has to be okay to discuss anything here when we are not harming others.  This post and ones like it do not harm people.  They do not "teach" anyone anything "bad" or even necessarily "wrong" because we are all true adults, none with a greater life experience or more to offer than the other, just a different take.  Just because I am a widow does not make me suggestible so I honestly don't understand the imperative to "correct" posts.  These kind of calling-out posts worry me because they are the type of post that risk making some people (not saying the OP) walk away or may turn off lurkers in need.  I value the OP's posts very much just as I value the posts of those who have chimed in to challenge - I wish we could remain supportive.  We could say this is self-censorship but then again, self-censorship is what is being advocated, really, when we call out venting posts.  We feel what we feel- emotions are just that- emotions, not logic.

 

Trying, vent away.  The other day I was out with a divorced mom (perfectly coiffed, immaculate house) who said "at least you have the child with you all the time".  Which speaks to the major challenges you rightly outline for child custody sharing arrangements.  It must be really hard to trust someone, as you say.  But speaking to an exhausted mommy (grey dishevelled roots showing, chaos at home)...I bit my tongue, because that's what we do. I can bite my tongue because I have self control, empathy for her and a safe place (here) to laugh about it. It is all hard.  Life is hard.  We need to support each other. 

 

 

[kjs1989]

Yes, yes yes, canadiangirl!  This site needs to place a place of support, and unfortunately sometimes from what I have seen, it just is not. It actually keeps me away at times. I wander back after some time off and then read something dismissive, and it's like "blech" who needs it.  Calling a widow's post disingenuous, and calling a widow's feelings self-righteous and superior for expressing a thought that she admittedly says may make her a DGI, is not helpful. I can't imagine any of us actually think we are all-knowing and fully understanding of the human condition. We are all just trying to survive and figure it out as we go. Let's give each other a break.

[Mizpah]

I surprised myself a couple weeks ago.  Was having a conversation with a person whose spouse suffered a severe mental health crisis with far-ranging, permanent repercussions.  He/she now has to raise their child alone and deal with all kinds of financial, legal, parenting, practical and emotional issues.  This person said to me that he/she feels that he/she "lost" his/her spouse and is in mourning.  The "old me" (I'm 4 1/2 years out) would have been offended and enraged.  The current me, without thinking, said: "In some ways it's worse, because ___ is still alive, and so you shouldn't have to suffer like this."  Do I feel that the comparison this person made was insensitive?  Possibly.  But it was not intended to be such.  This person was processing their feelings.  I want people to be able to talk to me.  I feel terribly for this person.  I don't feel that my experience was minimized by virtue of this person allowing herself/himself to talk freely. 

 

Every situation and person is different (maybe I'd feel differently if the person was flip or thoughtless).  So much of it has to do with tone, so much of it has to do with specific circumstances.  A lot of it has to do with what you're ready for in your own process.  People say dumb stuff.  People say dumb stuff trying to connect and find common ground.  People say dumb stuff trying to feel better about things, or trying to come to grips with the bad situation they're in.  I remember why I was, but I'm glad I'm not as easily offended anymore.  It makes my life and my mind more peaceful.  Not saying there's anything wrong with getting mad about this stuff - it can be very upsetting and can feel invalidating for someone to use our experience in a minimizing comparative way.  But I'm glad it no longer upsets me. 

[Trying]

To clarify, I'm not in a contest with divorced people to prove who has it worse.  Every situation is unique and pain is pain.  I was venting about 2 seperate situations that upset me because of the children involved.  My kids' pain has been one of the hardest parts of losing DH for me.  I couldn't prevent their pain and I can't fix it.  There have been times where I have made their pain worse but the majority of the time I do whatever is in my power to not add to their grief.  I get upset when these particular divorced moms repeatedly make their children's pain worse by putting them in the middle or bad mouthing their ex in front of them.  That's the part I don't get. I don't attack them or confront them and I don't play the widow card.  This is my safe place to vent and to share things that I don't feel free to share with people in my real life and I am grateful for the chance to do so without judgement, even if people disagree with me.