You need to deal with it, before it catches up with you.

[keeptrying]

I heard that I need to deal with it, or it is going to catch up with me and hit me hard. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I don't understand what that means. How can some one "deal" with it. Does that mean think it through over and over.. which is pointless, because I will never have peace. Or, ignore it, and just try to pretend like it didn't happen, so I can try to function every day. It's there, every second of the day. I feel it, deep inside. - What does that statement even mean.. and how can I "deal" with it.

[BrokenHeart2]

Yeah kinda like 'you need to get over it'. Tell the DGIs to fuck off until they go through it, they have no idea.  My younger brother told me 2 weeks out that it was time to get on it with my life. Haha total DGI. They have no idea.

Hugs to you KT

[canadiangirl]

I am sorry this was offered, KT, especially if there was no accompanying offer of help for a solution.  Some people find they can "deal" with things by going to therapy (the jury is out for me on that one) but I remember that your family circumstances are such that finding time for that would be extremely difficult.  I don't know what that person means either, but unless s/he was creating the space for you to "deal" (offering to babysit the kids for example) it's a pretty patronizing and pat piece of unwanted advice.  You are doing the best you can under awful circumstances and I am sure you are smart enough to figure out what is required and do-able yourself.

[donswife]

yup people say stupid things sometimes

you are "dealing" with it every second of the day

take care

 

 

[keeptrying]

I am not offended. I truly want to know how "how to deal with it" and what that means. If anyone has an answer, that would be fantastic. Any help though this craziness would be great.  - I don't know if that means come to peace with it. Or not think about the "what if's"? Or there is some way if you have a lot of time to think, you can think it through and it will be a little bit better? I am just confused at that statement, like there is a way to deal with it and it may catch up with me and knock me out. I guess because I am emotionless about it and don't talk about it I am not dealing with it. - The reality is, I don't have the time, and I am too scared to and I really don't want to remember. It hurts too much. This just can't be my reality, but it is.

[Guest TooSoon]

I was just thinking of you the other day.  The poster above is right - you're dealing with it every day.  I've made the mistake of trying to "get over it."  To fix it.  To make it go away.  It doesn't work like that.  I have been through so many phases with this thing that I've concluded that it just has a life of it's own and as Sugarbell said in response to one of my posts, eventually time begins to do it's work.  That has proven true for me.  What has been the hardest is knowing that it is no longer about my late husband at all. It is about not knowing who I am anymore and not knowing what the future holds or what to believe in anymore.  I wasn't prepared for the magnitude of that at all.  Anyway, you are dealing with it in your own way every single hour of every single day.  It is, in the end, no matter how much we talk about it, a deeply personal journey for which others can lend support and understanding but the rest, I think, has to come from us.  So, sending support and boat loads of understanding. 

[Jess]

KeepTrying, TooSoon said much of what I was already thinking. To add some of my own thoughts, there is no standard way or method to "deal with it". Your marriage and bond was unique to you and your husband, therefore your grief journey is also going to be unique. I think the reason why some people thought offense was taken to the statement is because whoever said that to you is inferring you are doing something wrong and somehow need to do better at processing your grief. In my opinion, whether we are devoting hours to thinking about our grief or not, we are dealing with it every second of every day like donswife said. We get up in the morning and there is no one to split morning responsibilities. We are the only ones to to pay the bills, fix things that break, and in your case take care of your children. The loss is in our face every single second of every day, whether we allow our minds to linger on the unfairness of it  or we shed tears or not. We deal with that reality by continuing to move forward and, like your handle says, keep trying. I wish there was some sort of standard method to working through the pain of loss, but there just isn't. So we learn to live with it and live with ourselves as the ones left behind. For me, my goal is happiness. Having looked back on our marriage, that was always the theme of his actions and words- that he wants me to be happy. So, that is what my focus is- levels of success varying at times.

[kjs1989]

Yeah, I have heard that too. "Deal with it" or "Grieve long and hard." I have never been able to grasp that either. In the beginning, I ordered countless grief books off Amazon, and several more were given to me. I poured through them day after day, trying to find the answers. Some seemed  helpful in the moment, some not so much. I did the grief counseling thing one on one through two different hospital chaplain programs. I went to a private psychologist for counseling, also. I sent my kids to a local grief program for teenagers. The high school counselor even went so far as to start a grief program at school because so many kids had lost parents that particular year. I got on this board through the suggestion of an online widow friend. Though other friends, I made contact and became friends with other widows and widowers who had walked this path before me.

 

And I must say, for me, becoming friends with others living this life has by far been the most helpful to me in "dealing with it," Nonetheless and the bottom line is, it is still such an individual process. So much of the process just has to come from within ourselves, and I think grief will be beside me the rest of the my life and I just have to accept that it will always be a struggle. I will move forward because I have to, but it will always be there for me. I will just "deal with it" daily the best I can. I will find joy in the moments available to me.

 

When I hear of a new widow or widower who recently lost the love of their life, or a parent having lost a child, my heart hurts beyond belief to know that someone else is having to figure all this out from scratch, too.

 

Rose Kennedy's quote is perfectly apt for me: "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Quixote]

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."  --T.E. Lawrence.

 

I think about that quote a lot. Like TooSoon, I once made the mistake of trying to "process" and move beyond my grief. It sounded good on paper-- I'd remember the good, cherish her memory and burnish each day with the love we had. Cue me and the dog walking into the hills with New Age piano music playing.

 

What a crock. I was outwardly that guy. People would tell me what an inspiration I was.  Got letters about it, even. No really.  But eventually the pain dug its way back out. Total collapse a year ago, just now digging out to a normal existence.

 

You will never not hurt. You just get used to it. And you know what?  That's okay, I think. The pain is the acknowledgement of loss. Trying not to hurt is like trying not to have had that loss-- and in a way, denies the love you had. Don't do that. For one, it doesn't work. For another, you never to forget that love.

[SoVerySad]

KT, I agree with the others who have stressed how individual each person who has been lost their spouse's journey is. While we can at times share common paths along the way with others who have the understanding only those who have been through it have, the length and convergences of the journey are unique to each of us as a result of our life experiences both before and after being widowed. So is the way we define things. People use expressions that are intended to apply to all grief in general. I've heard them following the losses of both my parents (grandparents who raised me) and a baby, as well as since my husband died. "You have to deal with it - you can't go over it, under it, or around it - you have to go through it" is a common one. For those who are widowed, it seems obvious. We can't truly make any other choice than to go thru it dealing with it the best we can. It affects us in too many ways to have the luxury of not dealing with it. We can try not to think about it to lessen the pain, but the reminders are endless - household chores that are now ours, no one to take turns bathing the children, one less income, etc.. So, yes, we have to deal with it.

 

To share a little of what has helped me was to allow myself to deal with it however I needed to that day and not give a damn about what others thought (as long as not unsafe, destructive behaviors). Do I feel sorry for myself some days - unapologetically yes. My children and I have suffered a tremendous, painful loss. Do I feel angry with my husband some days? Sadly, yes. It isn't really his fault he's not here, of course, but it sure sucks cleaning out a home you shared together for 20+ years by yourself. I also take every opportunity to enjoy the good moments as well.

 

Another thing that helped me was to define this experience in my own way. I kept hearing that I have to accept T's death so I can move forward or I have to let him go, etc.. I bristled at that advice. I have come to realize I don't need to accept T's untimely death (which is good because I don't believe I ever will). To me, acceptance means an implicit sense of peace with it. Nope, not gonna happen. It is not okay that our children have lost their amazing dad and I have lost my very best friend and soulmate. I have learned that I do have to acknowledge it, though, even as painful as it has been to do so. I needed to acknowledge it happened to focus that I can't go back, despite how much I still long to do so. It has personally taken that acknowledgement to force me to consider where I go from here. But that has had to be in MY timeframe.

 

I don't know if that helps out all. The biggest thing is not to judge how you dealing with things based on others' comments or experiences. We don't need to put ourselves under anymore pressure than we already have.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

 

 

 

 

 

[Torn]

Dealing with grief of loosing a spouce ...hmm GO DEAL WITH IT, that just screams lack of understanding.

 

  For me dealing with "it" is continuing to live and find any sense of normalcy you can.

  Me personally,I have awful days that all things point to my loss. The trick is IMHO striving on.

  However we can,we all know in our hearts our spouse didn't want to pass away and leave us behind & at the same time being left alone to cope (without a partener) is new to each widow.

 

Whoever said that to you hasn't experienced true loss.

  Peace be with you, ToRn

 

[Freelancing]

If you're grieving, you're dealing with it.

You're just not doing it as fast as people would like or how they want you to do it.

Tell 'em to let you know how they did it when their time came, it usually shuts them up, but at the same time they might think you're being mean. And that's a look who is calling the kettle black  ???

[Lisa]

For me it meant feeling my feelings and avoiding denial when i could, for me it meant grief counseling and hsnging out with other widows epwho were going thru it too. I do believe that if we dont go thru it it goes thru us. That doesnt mean tbere usca wpright path, time line or finish line.

We are "dealing with it" everyday just by our existence. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

[Virgo]

I guess because I am emotionless about it and don't talk about it I am not dealing with it. - The reality is, I don't have the time, and I am too scared to and I really don't want to remember. It hurts too much. This just can't be my reality, but it is.

 

I think you answered your own question. They feel because you aren't outwardly showing signs of grieving that you aren't grieving . What they don't realize is that this is your way of grieving right now. We all grieve differently and our grief changes over time.

 

Next time tell them to stop judging the way you're grieving and try being supportive instead.