Blog Post: "It gets better and you're not alone"

[MauiMermaid]

Sometimes the hardest part of this journey is that we feel so alone and isolated in our feelings. We feel like no one understands us - and how could they unless they walked in our shoes.

 

A friend forwarded me this blog and I wanted to send it along to all of you, too. It may help you feel less alone in your feelings.

 

http://stephdavis.co/blog/sean-stanley-leary/

 

The blog is written by a woman, Steph, who lost her husband. In her devastation, she reached out to a friend, Sean, that had previously lost his partner suddenly in a car accident. Steph knew that Sean would be the only possible person who could understand and guide her in her new life as a widow. The blog documents some of their conversation over time. Ironically and very tragically, Sean would also die in an accident leaving behind his new wife and newborn. Steph's writings document her despair in losing her husband as well as a tribute to the support and empathy she received from Sean.

 

Here is a notable excerpt from Sean to Steph:

 

Steph: R u happy now? That?s the part I can?t see. For the future.

 

Sean: I am now. It?s a long road and happens in tiny little steps at first. You?ll find yourself happy too, but there?s a lot of stuff you?ll have to face before that happens. At this point it?s best to just deal day to day or hour by hour and not think too much about the future. Right now your grief is this giant gaping hole with sharp edges but as you move forward in life the edges soften and other beautiful things start to grow around it. Flowers and trees of experiences. The hole never goes away, but it becomes gentler and sort of a garden in your soul, a place you can visit when you want to be near your love. At first it?s all you can do to deal with your basic needs, and that?s what your best friends are helping you with now. Soon the sadness will come in waves, and you have to hold on through the intense parts, letting them well up inside you, carry you for a bit, then subside. It?s all important stuff to feel. Don?t fight it, but don?t get carried too far. Just hold on. It gets better and you?re not alone. You?re part of this fucked little club now, and the other members will come to help heal your pain with empathy and promise.

You are going to get through this. Even though this loss will shape who you are forever, you?ll be happy again. You will find peace.

 

(((Hugs to all)))

[Mizpah]

I love this.  I'm so glad you posted it. 

 

It reminds me of something I often forget, that in the very early days, before a week had passed even, before I became aware of YWBB, a man I'd never known before reached out to me.  He'd worked very very closely with DH and I knew of him but had never met him.  He found me at the burial and told me we had to meet soon, and before I could eat or think or speak, I was sitting in a restaurant with him.  He told me a horribly painful story of how he'd lost his fiancee something like 10-15 years earlier, the week after he lost many of his best friends, right before his eyes, in a military incident.  It was the first moment after losing DH in which I had anything close to hope or where I could think about anything other than the enormity of my own devastation and loss and DH's.  The thought was something like, "If he can survive this, I can survive this."  This man and his life became my mantra when I gave up.  Our recovery paths were not nearly the same, as no two are or should be, but he gave me hope when I had none.  The best thing for any widow or widower would be to be so lucky as I was, or she was to have Sean. 

[Captains wife]

Thanks for posting. I feel so isolated as a single parent and so alone with my grief sometimes.....I also think there is light at the end of the tunnel and we are just experiencing/exposed to a natural part of life before most people.

 

I love this last comment "You are going to get through this. Even though this loss will shape who you are forever, you?ll be happy again. You will find peace."

[MauiMermaid]

A few more excerpts:

 

Steph: Sean, talking to other people and reading books and things is making me feel hopeless. I want to hear one person say ?it was hard and sad for a long time but now I?m as happy as I was before. Maybe in some ways more happy. My memories of him/her give me strength and happiness instead of sadness.?

Except you, I?m hearing almost the opposite from the majority and I?m not sure it?s worth it if that?s going to be how it is.

 

Sean: Steph, it?s worth it. I didn?t think it was either for a long time but if you just get through the days one at a time life starts to improve. You have to be proactive about it, and make yourself get out & do the thing you love. It?s not going to happen all at once, its gradual with a lot of lapses. I just had Roberta dreams last night, and I talked with her a lot. It was really special and it made me miss her but I?m still happy. Life is special and death is part of it. The main thing that kept me going after Roberta died was a promise I?d made to her like three days before the accident, that if she died I?d keep living life and doing what I loved.

What I also experienced was that the things I found important were suddenly distilled and clear. Like love and freedom and bullshit free lifestyle. and.committing to that life eventually brought happiness. Mario loved you so much, and for sure he wants to see you live and be happy. Just like if the circumstances were reversed you?d want that for him. But like I said it?s a hard path to follow at first and you need to start simple and make yourself go climbing, go for a run, even if you have to stop and melt down during it. There are a lot of different levels to grief I found, and times where it feels super shitty and hopeless but you can pull through. I promise that it gets better and if you get through the first days, then months, then year you will start to find new levels of positivity.

I?m sure its different for everyone but I promise you that you can make it through. You?re changed forever but you can get through. Don?t give up.

[Fran721]

MauiMermaid, thank you so much for posting that last excerpt. "Don't give up" was exactly what I've been needing to hear these past couple of days. <3

 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you for posting these, MM. I haven't completely given up hope for the future to get better, although at times I can't see how it will without him being a part of it. I'm starting to gain an appreciation that he will always be with me in memories and the lessons I learned sharing my life with him. I hope some day the loss of his physical presence won't cut so sharply. I appreciated reading Sean's encouraging words.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

[kjs1989]

Thank you for posting this, MauiMermaid. It is heartbreaking to know that Sean also lost his life. That had to be so devastating to Steph, also.

 

In the first weeks after I lost D, I also reached out to a widower acquaintance who had lost his wife very suddenly a few years before I lost D. We had mutual friends, but we only knew of each other. I am so grateful he responded to me with everything he had to offer. I feel like he saved me during those awful first months. He literally saved my life when I was so full of despair. He began by telling  me how he went from being in a fetal position for a week to slowly beginning to breathe again, getting out of bed, showering, eating, moving very slowly, but in a forward direction.

 

Over many beers and margaritas stretching  into a year, we covered topic after topic related to our losses: friends, kids, inlaws, DGI's, finances, faith and religion, jobs, dating... you name it, we covered it. Sometimes we cried, but there were also many times we laughed.

 

I will always be so grateful to this friend and it warms my heart to think of him. He was well into his own healing and moving forward, but he stepped in to help me find my way.He is engaged now to a great lady, and I am seeing someone special, also. It feels good to have come this far.

 

 

 

[DonnaP]

Great post!

 

I think, more than anything else, the words of hope are what we all need. To know that things will somehow get better over time.

 

I'm more than five years out now. It seems like the blink of an eye. And, yes, I still get those waves that Steph talks about. I can't even predict what causes them. Sometimes, it is just a memory or something that reminds me of Mick. Other times, if things are challenging, I miss having him by my side. He was a great sounding board and we saw eye to eye on so many things, especially pertaining to our children. I miss having that one other person who loved my children as much as I do, and only wants to see them succeed and be happy!

 

Like in Steph's dream, I often wish I could have a long conversation with Mick again. If only...

 

HUGS,

Donna