Overprotective parenting...

[SoVerySad]

So, I've always been pretty overprotective of my kids, but it has gone into overdrive since my husband died. I am so worried about something happening to one or both of them, too. I have been working really hard to not be too restrictive. I actually have been doing fairly well with allowing them to go places, etc.. Of course, they have no idea how much it costs me in stress and worry, but that is my issue and I don't want to make it theirs. Anxiety has been an ongoing issue for me.

 

Anyone else struggling with this have any tips?

 

Right now my big struggle is they both are old enough to drive now. (Yikes!!!) In addition to my normal fears over that big step, last year we were in a really serious car crash - hit head on by a drunk driver. Left me with PTSD, which I'm working to get a handle on. This step, getting them ready to drive, is just one step I can't deal with at all.

 

Their friends are all starting to get their permits, etc.. I feel like I'm really letting them down. I just don't know how to get past this fear.

 

 

[klim]

Hopefully they won't want to??? fingers crossed....alot of kids aren't running to get theirs right away.

My sons were slow to get around to it. My 18 yr old has it and 20 year old ...not yet.

 

BUt if they do want it and you can't handle it , you could go with the financial reason so you don't seem over protective. Insurance is huge for young drivers.

If that doesn't sit well with you and you know you are going to have to relent, Make sure they take driver's ed and make agreements about times and locations they can drive. Your kids probably know you pretty well and if you approach this with, "this is really tough on me, you know how I am....so if yiu want your license we are going to have to set some conditions while I get used to it."......and my guess is you will get used to it

 

Anyways good luck. ....and the reason I'm responding is because I have felt very much the same way about the driving thing.

[serpico]

Step one is realizing you have a problem, and it appears that you do.  And by succumbing to this problem you are unnecessarily making your life more difficult AND your kids' lives as well.

 

If your kids are ready - like really ready, not just because they're of age - then you should let them start driving.  It's part of growing up, and a fairly significant step, and holding them back isn't helping anyone or anything except your own irrational fear.

 

This may sound harsh but I'm not trying to come off in a mean way.  I just think that by starting a thread it's clear you know this isn't 'right'.  So I say confront your fear, realize that it's not rational behavior, and try to stop it.

 

Good luck!

[MrsDan]

Personally I think teenagers have no business driving. I know that I can be overprotective in some ways, but I really don't think this is about that. I just don't think most 15-16 year olds have the maturity or ability to make quick decisions in a crisis situation to warrant driving at that age. I just don't, and my DD will not be driving until she's 18. Now, our circumstances mean that there are cases where it's necessary. I've heard of a lot of widows that depend on their teenage kids being able to drive, and that's understandable. But if you don't need them to, you can tell them to wait. I don't think you have any obligation to let them start driving when they are 16 just because the state says they can.

[Trying]

I think it's completely understandable after the accident you had to feel extra anxious about your kids driving, it scary enough for those of who have never been in an accident! 

The way I dealt with anxiety about my older 2 boys driving was to do a on if driving with them when they had their learners permits.  DH was still alive when my oldest was learning but I insisted on being the one to take him driving most of the time.  We drove on local roads, windy country roads, Interstates, rush hour traffic, different states while looking at colleges.  By the time he went for his test I was as comfortable as I was going to get.  Of course I was still nervous when he would drive off but I felt like I had seen him handle many situations.

 

There's also nothing wrong with waiting until they older, my on,y caution about that would be that the trading and drivers Ed requirements in my state are different (less) once they turn 18. 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for your responses. Klim, actually my son did not want to get his driver's license until after our car crash last year. He felt like it was too much responsibility. I wasn't able to drive for 6 weeks after and it was really tough finding rides for anything we needed to do. I believe that my son now feels he needs to take on the responsibility, so we wouldn't be in that situation again. His counselor feels it would be okay to get him started on the written testing portion, but cautioned me that he feels there is a good likelihood both kids will have a delayed response about the accident when they actually start driving themselves. It wasn't a small fender bender. My van was demolished, my daughter had to be cut out of the van, taken by ambulance to the hospital without me, they had to cut her clothes off in the ambulance, son was backboarded and sent by ambulance with me, etc.. It was pretty traumatic for all of us. My daughter was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder/depression, so she needs some more time to get that under control before I would feel she's ready to drive. I'm really looking for ways now to help prepare myself for when I think they might be ready. I've been pointing things out as we've been driving for over a year now - things to watch, etc..

 

Serpico, I have many irrational fears, but the possibility of a car accident isn't irrational really. The night of our crash I was doing everything exactly as I should have and I have almost 35 years of safe driving experience under my belt. There was no time for me to respond to the drunk driver's swerve into my lane. Having since become involved with MADD, the statistics are pretty daunting. I'm headed to our state legislature next month to meet with our reps about improving the laws here which are not nearly strict enough. Our crash happened at 6:30 pm, not late at night when my kids would normally be home. When you've had an experience happen to you, it becomes harder to look at likelihood statistics in the same way you may have before. That is why I'm in counseling for the PTSD, but it isn't an easy thing to just stop your fear. I wish it was. I do concur I need to keep working on it.

 

Our school no longer offers driver's ed, but I can take them to a driving school in a neighboring town, which I plan to do. I think the input from their instructors will be helpful. I transport my kids to school (I know how some of you feel about that being ridiculous, but we all make our own choices based on what we feel is best for our kids/situation.) When I see how recklessly some of the kids who drive to and from school drive, it makes me want to make them wait even longer. But I don't think my kids will drive like that.

 

On a related note, my daughter told me yesterday that one of her teachers told her class that if their parents really care about them, they won't let them drive until they are forty. At least she's seen another adult who recognizes the concern I have. 

 

Please keep the suggestions coming.

 

 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi honey,  I know how much this stresses you out, and understandably, but I am going to agree with serpico on this one.  If they want to drive, you have to let them.  You have not been too restrictive and you've been honest with them and ever present.  But you're going to have to let them learn to drive - it is part of the deal.  You don't have to be ok with it (that's another matter) but you have to let them grow up and become the independent people they want to be. 

 

Thinking in purely practical terms, I would farm this task out and not try to take it on yourself.  Yes, you will worry when they are out at driving school or out driving with a designee and yes it might be an expense but knowing you as I do, I think there is a double benefit in taking that route: you won't actually have to be in the car with them and though I know that will stress you out, it is, if you can look at it this way, a chance to try to start working on your own anxieties about being over-protective and letting go. 

 

 

Again, I think you have to let them do it if they are asking.  But you can try to do it in a way that will also help you face some of these issues that I know you are struggling with because one way or another it (letting go) is coming down the pipeline in one form or another. 

 

I'll teach them if you like!  The roads in my neighborhood are the perfect place to learn to drive.  (I'm serious btw) Lots of love.

[MrsDan]

 

 

Thinking in purely practical terms, I would farm this task out and not try to take it on yourself.  Yes, you will worry when they are out at driving school or out driving with a designee and yes it might be an expense but knowing you as I do, I think there is a double benefit in taking that route: you won't actually have to be in the car with them and though I know that will stress you out, it is, if you can look at it this way, a chance to try to start working on your own anxieties about being over-protective and letting go. 

 

 

I second this. Both of my parents were anxious when other people were driving and they were not good at hiding it. Consequently, their attempts to teach me only fed my own anxieties and were unsuccessful. A friend's attempts were a little better, but it was only when Dan, who was completely relaxed, took me to drive that I was finally able to get comfortable.

[luvmy2babies]

When I was growing up, I got my license at 17, a year later than most of my friends who were standing at the DMV the day they turned 16.  It just wasn?t a priority for me I think.

 

I want to say irrational fears aside, you are not alone in this.  My daughter is 12, will be 13 in a couple of months.  I have friends I went to college with who have children between 10 and 14.  We meet up a lot when go to football games at our alma mater and one week, somehow the subject of them driving came up.  One guy has a nice mustang and someone walked by after he parked asking if he was going to give it to his daughter when she could drive.  She?s 14 now. 

 

Turns out we were all considering delaying driving for our children.  We are all for the most part living and raising our children in much larger cities than we grew up in, of course there is the cost issue as well.  It?s not like it used to be.  Driver?s Ed isn?t offered in school  here and you?re pretty much on your own for getting your children the instruction.  No one?s made a definite decision and we?re all watching how they mature and such; but I?m thinking we?re waiting at least an extra year.  Don?t know if I want to go as far as 18 as that isn?t much time to gain experience before college and if she ended up at a community college or a nearby school and lived at home, we?d have an issue.

 

[Mrskro]

My daughter turns 16 in 5 days, so I know what you are going through.  I was also in a crash with a drunk driver, although I was 17 at the time, and honestly it took a good 6 months before I would drive again.  My crash also happened in the early evening, 6:00.  I was going bowling with a group of friends when a drunk turned right in front of me. 

 

I'm going to let my DD get her licence in 5 days,  She is going to take drivers ed.  Where I am, she can't drive after dark, has to have a licensed driver with her....etc for 8 months. 

 

I hope by then I can let her get her "real" licence.

 

Good luck

[RobFTC]

This week, I signed my girls up for driving lessons.  They will take their 30 hours of training in the classroom, not on the computer, and I sprung for the extra for a one-day defensive driving section.  The school will proctor their learner's permit tests, and then the fun really begins.  I think they will each need something like 50 hours of logged driving time with an adult, with various amounts needing to be highway, night, etc.  I think that as long as I don't run low on liquor for after the drive time, I will be okay :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all. Rob, your post made me smile. Unfortunately no drinking for me due to medication issues, however I do have a Xanax prescription that I rarely take the full prescribed amount of.

 

MrsDan, my husband also taught me to drive. He was so awesome at it. Stayed so calm, etc. It is so sad he can't be here to teach our kids.

 

We've already established that I am not the best person to actually teach them while they're driving. I admit that. I'm planning on using the driving school first, and then have an uncle and two nephews lined up to help out. I hope that will work, though, because I noted the paperwork doesn't just say a licensed driver, it says it must be a parent. I have to check further into that. TS, I may take you up on that. It would be an excuse to get together as well.

 

Thanks to the rest of you who let me know I'm not alone in this stressful situation and decision-making. Please let me know how your kids are making out (and you are handling it).

[PhotoJunkie]

I am facing the driving issue this year.  The girl just turned 17 and has been making noises along with a friend to start the process.  I intend on having her use the driving school etc, but like Rob she has to have so many hours behind the wheel with an adult.  That is where I am stuck. 

 

Due to our own accident, I am a very very nervous person in a vehicle.  I hide it well though.  I hate driving and if I could figure out how to live my life without it I would.  I do better as the one in control of the car.  As a passenger I am not that great.  Especially with someone I don't trust driving.  Which I don't trust my daughter driving initially   We have no family here to help with her driving, as the relationship with my sister and her husband has disappeared.  So it is going to have to be me and I am dreading it.  I was hoping maybe she could at least get her learners permit and maybe when she visits family in california they can help but I don't think her learners permit would be good in another state. 

 

I too have xanax and Im trying to stretch the remaining supply for the driving portion of this year.  But I also use it for my own driving issues. 

 

Big hugs!

 

[SoVerySad]

Thanks for responding, PJ. (It is nice to hear from you.) It sounds like we are in very similar circumstances, as I, too, hate driving now. I have to force myself as there is no other option. Given your circumstances related to your husband's death, I imagine your anxiety must be very intense. Sending you hugs of support...

[trying2breathe]

SVS  It's very understandable the way that you are feeling - my 17 y/o DD got her license in October, and now drives herself regularly to school, volleyball practice and on occasional errands.  DD attended driving school in a classroom setting, and had several lessons with an instructor. 

 

Is it a worry to me that she's driving?  Absolutely - but my 80 y/o dear mother still worries about my driving too!  :  I think it's natural that we worry about our children as they venture out into the world.  Driving is a huge milestone! 

 

The way that I try to help myself in not worrying so much is to provide her with plenty of driving time and experience in all kinds of weather and situations, for the most part she has proven to be a good driver. And I do want to add that with her new driving privileges, she has an added self-esteem and maturity that I had not yet seen in her.  It's really hard, but I'm trying to take my emotions out of her experience as a new driver. 

 

Good luck, and know that you're not alone! 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you t2b. I guess I need to approach this just as I have being a widow. When I thought I couldn't do it, I looked at those of you had been doing it and found hope that I could as well. So, I'm going to remember that you've all found a way to do this as well, so I'll keep you as my inspiration that I can as well.

[imissdow]

My middle dd got her permit last year. I got some friends to teach her to drive and then when they told me she was good I started taking her out. I tried to do it myself and both of us ended up in tears. The regulations for her were 40 hours and 6 months. I told her from the beginning that she would be logging extra hours and wasn't getting her  license for a year. Insurance is expensive and at that point there was no good reason she needed to drive. She blew out her knee before Christmas so we're now just getting her back to driving and 1 1/2 years later were scheduling her test. Knowing that she was allowed and the time was coming had helped her be more willing to wait. I also told her she needed to pay for her insurance so that slowed her down some. 

[ieh21]

Are you in an urban area? I never understood the rush to get a license. But I've always lived in an urban setting with public transit available. And even when I wanted to visit friends in suburbs, there were buses, or my bike, to get there. My parents laughed when I suggested that people got their license at 16. I eventually got mine at 19. And then drove nowhere.

 

So I'd say, rational or not, unless you live in the boonies, there's no rush to get a licence. I really don't see it as a necessary rite of passage or anything like that. Maybe some of your fears are founded in knowing that your teen isn't really ready after all. An intuition on your part.

[SoVerySad]

No, we are pretty rural here. No public transportation at all, which is crazy as we aren't a tiny little town. For now, they've both got some health issues we're working on, so I've been able to shelve the conversation with them. You've all given me good feedback/suggestions for looking at the issue again when we get past these health concerns.

 

Thank you, again.