Lost my wife 5 weeks ago

[Kenneth]

My wife passed away 5 weeks ago today. We were married for 15 and 1/2 years of which she was fighting a rare cancer for the last 4 years. Despite countless struggles and hardships she was constantly bouncing back, a little bit weaker every time. We always thought she would pull through in the end....

 

She was so full of life, she was a ray of light that lit up every place she went. We loved each other more than anything in this world. She was my best friend and in fact my only friend. We spent every minute of everyday together, always together except while at work. From the moment we first met and hugged each other we knew we were meant for each other. We never had a fight, we had an unbreakable bond of trust, love and friendship.

 

She was my entire life, I depended on her for everything and with her gone I am completely heartbroken and lost. The pain and loneliness without her is more than I can bear. I would have given my life for her so she may live, she was such an amazing person in every way possible.

 

The only thing that kept me going so far is my pursuit of finding a headstone worthy of her which I'm still working on and trying to setup so that our 2 golden retrievers will be taken cared if I no longer can. I feel that I'm getting a little bit weaker for every passing day..

 

I have been told I need to reach out to support groups which is not an easy thing for me. I'm not sure how I found this place or why but here I am laying bare my pain.

 

Kenneth

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Kenneth,

 

Welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you had to pay the price of admission to this club that nobody wants to belong to.  We get it here.  Your wife sounds like an awesome woman and you were the recipient of her love and gifts in your life.  You are in the midst of the toughest part of this whole ordeal.  You are having to somehow swallow the reality that she is no longer here.  How can that be?  How can we possibly go on like this?  The reality is that we all somehow manage to do it...one day at a time.  Life is forever changed, but nobody can take those years you had with your wife away from you.

 

Yesterday should have been my 5th wedding anniversary with my second husband.  I can hardly believe that it is the third anniversary that I have commemorated without him.  Has it really been over 2 years since he died?  How did I get from where you are to today?  One day at a time.

 

The best advice for right now is to drink a lot of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, spend as much time reading and posting here and not to be afraid to connect with others with whom you resonate, especially those close to your time table.  They will understand your feelings and experiences the best, as they are also in the same phase of "What the heck??" and "What do I do with all of these thoughts going through my head??"

 

Hang in there,

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I also was lucky enough to have a spouse and best friend  I was inseparable from. While I am grateful for every minute we spent together, living without him has been so excruciating and bewildering. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. This forum (and its predecessor) has been a very real lifeline for me. I hope you can find comfort and support here as well - from people who understand because they've experienced the loss of their spouses as well.

 

Sending you hugs...

[Kenneth]

@Maureen and SoVerySad.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my "outcry for help" when I had my wife by my side I think I could have gone through anything. With my soulmate now gone and the feeling of being all alone I dont know how. I am so lost.

 

Eating I can barely do and drinking I have to remind myself to. As a grown man I didn't think I could cry this much. It's embarrassing but I have lost control, I just break down, while at home, work, the few times at the grocery store.

 

Kenneth

[Trying]

Kenneth I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like your relationship was extraordinarily special.  These early days and weeks and months are brutal and there is no short cut around the pain. Take it one day at a time, try to be gentle with yourself.  You have found a place where there are many people who understand, it has been a life raft for me and I hope we can be there for you too.

[SoVerySad]

Kenneth,

 

There is nothing to be embarrassed about with breaking down. This is a very hard experience. I think the crying is necessary to let some of the pain out. It is too much to keep in. The grocery store has been a crying trigger for many of us.

 

Do try to keep drinking water. I was having issues with my blood pressure dropping low. My MD told me I was really dehydrated. I didn't realize crying so much can actually cause dehydration. I pretty much ate only yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crackers, or fruit for the first few months. Try to find something easy and just eat when you can.

 

It is awful that when we are going through the worst experience of our lives, we don't have our spouses here to help us through it. Keep reaching out and we'll support you as best we can.

 

Sending more hugs...

[rifatheroffour]

Kenneth,

 

I'm very sorry for your loss and need to join us.  I lost my wife a little over three years ago after fighting an unknown lung disease for a number of years.  We were also very close and best friends who never seriously fought with each other.  She was my life along with our children.

 

I completely understand the crying and how it sneaks up on you when and where you least expect or want it to happen.  I found giving into the emotion as it comes helped work through my grief.  As a good friend of mine said, honor your feelings by allowing them to come as they need to. This may mean quick departures from a grocery store from time to time. Eventually these emotional outbreaks and breakdowns will lessen but it will take time.  As far out as I am there are still times that the reality of my life and the loss of my love hit and I still can end up in tears.  It's completely normal.

 

Take care and as others have said reading, posting and connecting with others here can be very helpful.

[Kater]

Kenneth,

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am just short of 3 months out since I lost my husband, my best friend and soul mate, so not too much further ahead than you.  Yes, the grocery store is awful. I go in with a very specific list, and get in and out as fast as possible.  I think I have only been 3 times in 3 months so by no means have mastered that yet.

 

I feel like I have just in the last week come out of "survival mode".  So it takes time.  Initially I was looking for places and times that would make me really sad.  Maybe trying to rip the band aid off and let all the grief come pouring out at once.  What I now know is that the grief will come every day to some degree.  I once heard that grief is a like a suitcase that we leave at the foot of our bed each night to be picked up every morning and taken with us.  Some days the suitcase is very heavy; others it is light.  I have felt this to be true.  Some days are starting to be tolerable.  I was never suicidal, but definitely did not care if I lived or not (a very common feeling it seems).  I think I am starting to get through that feeling too.

 

Hang in there.  Do whatever brings you comfort, no matter how crazy or weird it seems! I have a fairly extensive list of those things.  And don't put any pressure on yourself to do more than needs to be done right now.  A few people have started asking me about my husbands "stuff".  I just laugh and say that I am in no way ready to deal with that and may not be for another year.  I have found this discussion board and connecting with other wids to be very helpful too.

 

Take care,

Kate

 

 

[Kenneth]

Thank you so much to everyone that replied. I'm am so sorry for your loss as well, no one should have to go through anything like this, ever!

 

When I do go to the grocery store my basket looks as pathetic as I feel, pretty much just bananas and tissues.

 

I think it's a really good advice to try to keep busy with something you like. My wife and I had so many interests and passions but we did them all together and it's too painful for me to even consider any of them without her. Even reading we did together, laying in bed each reading a book, it was so cozy. I was never one to watch much TV, now I haven't even turned it on for over 5 weeks.

 

I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

 

Kenneth

[Kater]

i started having panic attacks which is completely not me.  A good friend who was with me when I was having one was stunned.  She said of all people she knew, I was the last she would ever think would have an anxiety attack.  The comment validated my complete surprise that this was happening to me.  I did talk to my doctor about it mostly because I had planned a short trip and didn't want to be stuck on the airplane having a bad one.  She gave me Adavan but not too many just to see if it helped.  I rarely use it.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems to make it worse (which is why I hesitate to use it).  Honestly, a glass of wine helps me more, but day drinking is somewhat frowned upon at my job 😳😄 I rarely take any pills for anything, but I think this is a time where if it's what gets you through, why not.  My advice would be to talk to your doctor. 

 

oh, and I am with you on the empty grocery basket.  Dinner many nights has been wine and potato chips, so the grocery list is usually a short one.  I do tell my friends I am having lots of fruit and vegetables, so kinda being truthful, right?

 

Take care.  Lots of love and support in this community.

Kate

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

 

I believe that the decision about medication should be between a person and his or her doctor.  Some people around you may be seeing signs that they interpret as depression, and you may well be depressed, but you are grieving, which is a very normal process that you are experiencing after the loss of your wife.  Friends around us usually aren't qualified to diagnose us or recommend we be medicated.  That being said, it can be helpful to talk about how we feel and if your friends are concerned enough about you to be thinking you are depressed, it may be worth seeing a doctor or some type of therapist or counselor experienced in grief.

 

I, too, started experiencing panic attacks right after my second husband's death (but not after losing my first husband).  I saw my doctor right away because they were very debilitating and I was going into panic just trying to go to bed every night.  I still take one short-acting medication before bedtime every night.  I haven't been able to tolerate longer acting medications and medications that impact depression and anxiety because I had very unacceptable side effects from them.  I quit trying them and opted for a service dog who intervenes at my earliest signs of anxiety.  Overall, my anxiety is under much better control, especially because I can recognize the onset of anxiety much more readily with my dog and I can usually use strategies to shut down some of the anxiety response. 

 

It has taken me some time to get to the point where I can function better.  I know from (too much) experience that the awful pain from the loss of a spouse becomes softer and it is possible to get back into living again.  It may take quite a bit of time, but you have to believe that this will get better.  You will always love her and you will always miss her, but it becomes more bearable.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guaruj]

Hi Kenneth -

 

I hope you're feeling better these days.

 

The only thing that kept me going so far is my pursuit of finding a headstone worthy of her which I'm still working on and trying to setup so that our 2 golden retrievers will be taken cared if I no longer can.

 

I also found it helpful to commission my wife's headstone. Unless you live in the southern hemisphere (where winter is starting), now is a good time to start working on that. It does take work, and you can't make it happen in just a week or two - it took me about 3 months from first contacting the dealer to when the stone was finally in place. That caused me some anxiety along the way, but only because Winter was approaching.

 

Speaking of anxiety...

 

She gave me Adavan but not too many just to see if it helped.  I rarely use it.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems to make it worse (which is why I hesitate to use it).

 

When my wife, Catherine, was in treatment for cancer, she suffered frequent anxiety attacks (and I could scarcely blame her for that). She found that Ativan worked wonders for her, but everyone is different. As far as I know, you should not drive a car when taking that drug.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Jen]

(((((Kenneth))))))

 

I am so, so sorry. I lost my husband and best friend almost 2 years ago, and it's still so hard... I wish I had magic words that could make it easier for all of us. Be gentle with yourself. We're here to listen... we wish we didn't get it, but we do.

[Mizpah]

When I do go to the grocery store my basket looks as pathetic as I feel, pretty much just bananas and tissues.

 

I think it's a really good advice to try to keep busy with something you like. My wife and I had so many interests and passions but we did them all together and it's too painful for me to even consider any of them without her. Even reading we did together, laying in bed each reading a book, it was so cozy. I was never one to watch much TV, now I haven't even turned it on for over 5 weeks.

 

I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

 

My heart's breaking for you (and all the new widows and widowers we've got here).  I'll just share little snippets to let you know that we can relate and that there is light "at the end of" the tunnel - not that this tunnel ends really because they're dead permanently, so maybe it's more correct to say that there's light along the way, the lights get closer together and brighter as you go on....

 

I subsisted on red Gatorade and a half a banana and a half an English muffin a day for months.  Terrible.  My shopping cart looked just like yours and I carried packets of tissues everywhere - in the first week, lacking all sense of decorum, I actually carried a regular old home-sized tissue box and engaged in loads of public crying.  It's not pathetic, it's right - this is how you SHOULD feel.  It is unbearable and yet we must bear it.

 

Like you, DH and I spent all of our time together in a happy little in love bubble of two.  I spent a lot of time in solitude after he died.  It was comforting somehow, to be able to have quiet to process my thoughts and feelings.  But too much of it can be too much of it....

 

Finding something "to do" was really key for me.  I felt like things were so bad in my life that I needed all other things to be stable and good and ok, so (once I started eating again), I ate super healthy, I ran and worked out a lot, I didn't drink - I felt like stability had to be the most important thing to safeguard because I felt so unstable and in despair.  It was also really important to me to pay tribute to him.  I learned Hebrew (took classes) because he was Israeli and I felt closer to him.  I read books he loved.  I went to synagogue on Friday evenings to say the mourner's prayer for him, because he loved our Jewish identity and because I needed to replace our Friday nights of excitement to have the weekend together, with something other than going home to be alone.  I planted a garden in the shape of a heart.  I bought a memorial bench/plaque in the park in the City where we spent a lot of our time.  I went to the cemetery once a month.  These things gave me ritual and purpose and meaning, until I was strong enough to begin to rebuild a life that had more to do with me and less to do with him and us. 

 

About meds - it's individual for everyone.  I did it without meds.  I went to therapy twice a week for a few months, and continued once a week for two years.  It was very good for me to have that oasis, that time and space. 

 

We all know where you are and understand your feelings.  Just keep breathing and putting foot in front of foot.  It won't always hurt so much.  But for now, suffering through is the thing.

[donswife]

I am so sorry you had to be here but I am also glad you found us

I lost my husband and best friend , the person who I spent all my time with and loved

its so hard  and the beginning can be some of the hardest times

Having to miss the person who knew us the best

and would be the one to stop this heartbreak is at times unbearable

but you can go on because she would want you to

that is what I kept telling myself and it did help

also carried tissues with me at all times(still do ) and dreaded the grocery store

lived on chicken fingers and ginger when I did eat

just do what you can

take care

 

[Max2507]

so sorry for your loss Kenneth. What you have described is perfectly normal considering your situation. 5 weeks is no time at all, tears are healing. I cried everywhere for a while, the bank, the grocery, at work all the time. I had a roll of viva papertowels, visine, and afrin nasal spray on my desk for at least a year. i could have done an ad for viva papertowels I had rolls of them everywhere. I would hesitate on the antidepressants at this point unless you are unable to function enough to at least go through the motions of life. I heard that early on as well and I was grieving and crying and sad but what I considered normal given the situation. At a year and a half I got to a point where I could hardly get out of bed, felt like a zombie, didn't care if I showered for days just was not functioning well and having anxiety that felt paralizing. At that point I did go on antidepressants and it helped make me a lot more functional. Grieving is not depression but you can become depressed along the way.

 

I also found that I could no longer watch the same tv shows, sit on the same couch, go to the same restaurants. It was so painful. Now at almost three years I have come to realize I have had to find totally different things to do, that I now enjoy, but it is like starting your life over, it will come in time but do what you feel like doing.

 

Be gentle on yourself, drink plenty of water, eat regular, don't worry if other people are uncomfortable. Try to get enough rest. Come here and post. The old forum and this one got me through along with cat and dog videos on the internet.

[Kenneth]

Thank you so much for all the kind words everyone

 

How do or did you handle the loneliness? I am so lonely without her and it's hurting so bad I don't know what to do, it is especially bad on the day of the week she passed. She was my only friend and that was all I needed as we did everything together.

 

Kenneth

[BrokenHeart2]

For me Kenneth it was Thursday.  Excruciating early on. Never felt any pain like this ever.  Give yourself time to heal.  5 weeks really is very early out.  Do what you need to do to get through the day remembering to breathe.  Crying is dehydrating, drink lots of water and you may not care to eat but please do. 

My DH and I also did everything together so yes, its a very lonely journey at times.  We're all here for you as we get what you're going through.

Big hugs to you.

[SoVerySad]

Kenneth, I didn't have many friends besides my husband. I fought the loneliness by watching endless amounts of TV. I used to love reading, but still struggle with my mind wandering away to thoughts of my husband. TV held my attention more.  I was never a huge TV watcher before, but it became a refuge of sorts. I avoided shows he and I used to watch together, except for a few we watched as a family with our children. They still wanted to watch those together, so we did.

 

There was also a panda cam for the Washington Zoo at the time as the panda was expecting. I watched that often, even felt like an "aunt" of sorts when the baby was finally born. I still watch too much TV, though I'm actively working on trying to get out more (but I am 3 years out).

 

I came here a lot and still do. I met a few wonderful friends here who have continued to be part of my life. Some others have moved on.

 

Finally, when I went out, I tried to smile at others as much as I could manage, hold doors, return shopping carts for people, etc.. I realized that there were likely other wounded hearts walking around out there. Maybe I could give them a moment of human contact they were missing and benefit myself as well. Even the minimal smiles and thank yous I received in return helped me feel a little more connected to the world and less lonely.

 

The loneliness is really hard, especially if you were someone who spent a lot of time with your spouse and thoroughly enjoyed being with them. Eventually you may well find that your memories can fill some of the loneliness, but it is likely too soon for you to find comfort in them yet.

 

Sending you more hugs...

[Mizpah]

How do or did you handle the loneliness?

 

It's a really rough part of it.  I took a lot of walks on weekends, to be *among* people, even if not *with* them.  Sometimes it helped and made me feel less lonely, sometimes it made it worse - I felt separate.  I took classes, and was among people and made a few friends and had awesome teachers.  I started going to synagogue, and always sat in the same spot - other people do too, and my synagogue neighbors became weekly chit chat people who I ended up looking forward to seeing a lot more than I ever would have anticipated.  I leaned on my siblings to talk to about DH and how I was doing, and I made permanent friends with people on YWBB (this page's precursor) who were in my same timeframe - 5 years out, and they're some of my best friends (this is an understatement).  But: there's no way to fully eradicate it.  Your whole world is gone.  The loneliness is part of the grief/loss.  It gets lesser with time and less raw with time, as do many of the other aspects of his unbearable situation.  I'm thinking of you.

[Tatianakm]

I am really sorry for your loss, Kenneth.

I too can relate to your feelings about the day of the week our loved ones passed away. Today, Monday, 22:06 exactly when my dear sweetheart was pronounced dead. I am dreading Mondays altogether and then counting down to the time, panic just sets in stronger and stronger. I am just about in the same time frame as you are, 5 weeks today. I am vising the cemetery almost every day, especially on the days I feel really rough. I have my cry and my talk, telling him everything as if he is here; I do feel calm after it just long enough to carry me over till the next day.  My only comfort is this forum and great people who assure that it does get easier over time. I don't believe them, not just yet.

[BrokenHeart2]

That's ok T  I didn't believe them either earlier out because how could it be possible to go on without him/her for the rest of your life. Just the thought of that would make me angry and bring me to my knees. Just couldn't imagine.  Remember to breathe ( I had times when I was so intense I had to just try to breathe calmly) and drink lots of water. Oh and post here whenever you want, we get it!

Big giant hugs!

[Quixote]

Re:  loneliness.  It's awful. My wife and I did everything together, and work aside, were rarely apart for two decades.  We had a fair number of friends, but hanging around with them wasn't the same. We were the only two people on the planet who really understood each other. She used to half kid that we were our own subculture.  You get the idea.  It's not something that can be replaced by hanging about in crowds or similar suggestions well meaning people make. If anything, being at parties or public spaces just seemed to intensify the loneliness. 

 

So instead, I just found as many projects as possible, preferably things that forced me to go outside (though not always with people. Animals are always good, though) The nights and mornings will always be hard, I hate to say. But if you can just get moving, you can distract yourself away from the pain. Not always, but enough to more or less function. 

 

 

[Kenneth]

I also wish I could believe that things will get better, it's impossible for me to see how that could be. But then I see so many of you have done it so maybe there is a way, I just can't see it. If it weren't for my 2 dogs I would go straight to bed after work and not get up until it was time to go back to work again. Loosing ones soulmate is like loosing yourself.

[Wheelerswife]

Yes, Kenneth, we do, in fact lose so many aspects of ourselves, don't we?  I know that people say that things get better.  I have said it myself.  I've lived through things getting better.  Yet when I lost my second husband 2 years ago, I still didn't know how I was going to get through it, even though I had personal experience of survival.  You aren't alone in how you feel, yet I really understand how alone you do feel, even surrounded by people, some of whom really care about you...and even "surrounded" here by a group of people who share your experience and really care, even though you haven't met them.  Being without your spouse...it might as well be that we are the last person on earth sometimes...because it sure feels that way.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen