Nothing left to talk about

[Jen]

I'm 11 days shy of the two-year mark, and I'm just... numb. I have nothing to say anymore. I look at my sweet Jim's urn on my dresser and I feel nothing. He's not there; I know that. My missing him has nothing to do with that particular reminder. I'm empty and hollow. The acute agony has subsided, but in a way I miss it-- at least it was a feeling, as opposed to this... nothingness.

 

I'm resigned, I guess. Resigned to living months and years and decades this way, so lonely that the loneliness doesn't even register anymore. Does that make any sense? Probably not...

 

I can't even write in my journal now-- I have no words left, even for myself. I filled ten journals that first year, essentially one extremely long and pain-filled letter to Jim, but I've told him all I need to as well. So what's left?

 

I'm a blank slate. I no longer know what I want, let alone how to get it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want anybody new to care about, because I risk losing them too. I want to wall myself off from the world but I keep reaching out. It's all so confusing. I'm tired of being in my own head. I want out, but there's no escape from me.

 

Just had to get it out somewhere. Hugs, y'all.

[Mrskro]

Jen;

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  I get it.  Year 2 seems so much worse for me; I feel adrift, no direction, no desire to find one.  Hollow.

 

So, yes to me it makes sense.  But remember you aren't alone.  You've got people here that get it.  That get you. 

 

I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know I'm here. 

 

I'd love to offer more than that, but I haven't found it yet either. 

 

Big hugs.

 

Nic

[canadiangirl]

Just wanted to send you solidarity and virtual hugs.  I hit the two-year mark in December and year 2 was a much harder year in some ways, although thankfully without further losses.  I just keep telling myself that things will get better.  It's a bit of a lonely conversation and that inner voice falters more now. I get it.

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, sweet friend! I can so totally relate to not wanting to be in my own head any longer. I somehow need to escape to organize my thoughts, but I can't find the key.

 

Sending you love...

[soloact]

Jen, year two was the most difficult for me. I understand everything you wrote. It all makes sense. Wish I had something more for you.

[Torn]

Very sorry for this Blank feeling.

  I'm a couple months from 2 years and I believe it's a big part if my inner turmoil.

 

  Please know, your still the same person and have gained experience with the largest hurdle in life.

  Also,please know your not alone you can rant here ,it'll help some.

 

We all need to share with one another to help each of us get past this 2 year hump and help one another find ourselves again.

    Jen, that's my thought for myself, I must refind myself,so how I gotta learn to enjoy life again,somehow.

 

[Mizpah]

I remember the feeling you describe.  For me, what came next was an intense desire for big changes.  I hope that what's next for you is good feelings, too.  xoxoxo

[twistedmensa]

I'm three weeks away from two years. I know how you feel...or rather don't feel. The numbness permeates everything in my life. It's as if life has lost its flavor. I really just wish I could laugh like I used to.

[Jen]

It's as if life has lost its flavor.

 

This. Yes. I hate it.

 

(((((((HUGS))))))))

 

Thank you all. <3

[Virgo]

I felt numb the first year. I just went through the motions for my girls.  The second year was accepting our lives were forever changed. I'm just a little over a month into my third year and starting to feel like I'm ready for some big changes.

 

Every step forward is bittersweet. I feel like it's another step away from Phil and our life together.

 

((Hugs)) Jen!!

[Jen]

I want change; I don't know how to make significant change. I'm more or less stuck where I am, sandwiched between my kids and my mother. And at this point I have almost no hope that anything I do will include a significant other. It may sound small or self-defeating or whatever-- I frankly don't care anymore-- but I just can't imagine feeling like I *want* to live my life this way. I'm very loved (I do know that, and I really am grateful) but I'm unwanted. Even though just about every other area of my life is acceptable, the whole never will be as long as this one sliver is empty. That may be pathetic, but I know myself well enough to know it's true.

 

Anyway. It is what it is, I'm tired of whining about it. Thanks for listening to me-- I do appreciate it.

[Lisa]

I think one of the best things about these boards is posting what feels crazy and finding you are not alone. Years 2 and 3 I was out and about doing my best. The reality is I was a disaster. I started to get interested in life around 4 years. This time between 5 and 7 years, I mostly feel balanced, interested in things again. Happy. I still have deeply sorrowful days but they are rare.I carry him with me everyday.

Sending you love and hugs in this difficult period. Keep checking in.

[Torn]

First :

JEN YOUR NOT WHINING!!!!

 

how bout, your speaking the damn truth?really,I'm serious?

  I'm at 20 months & I feel identical,except the 'loved part'.

  We are trapped,trapped in the life we made with another,now sadly we lost our husband/wife, well in doing so our lives are still STUCK in the obligation of our marriage/relationships.

 

  How do I,move forward I have no clue,but I really want YOU to know,you don't suffer this emptiness, alone.

  I could make a list a mile long,as I'm sure you could also.

    Something to consider, This feeling isn't who Jen is, this feeling is how Jen feels after loosing her mate .

 

  I feel trapped aswell,heck I can't come up with anything I'd 'like' to do,because everything simply takes me back to "what we used to do",slowly we each will move forward,but damn if it isn't going To SLOW..

Take care

[Still Standing]

I remember that feeling,first year was a blur numb feeling.Second year was the worse.Third year got the urge to change things slowly.Forth year things started to fall in place getting use to this life not breaking down when something went wrong or broke I handled the problems.Then my son passed away unexpectedly and here I am almost four years after that loss and I'm trying to resume the changes of four years ago.Every one is different in their timing ,you go at your own pace knowing what's right for you.

[Jen]

First :

JEN YOUR NOT WHINING!!!!

 

how bout, your speaking the damn truth?really,I'm serious?

 

 

Torn, it's funny that you say this, because my sig line everywhere else for the past 14 years or so has been "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes." No one wants to hear this particular truth, so I'm trying to keep it to myself-- sometimes it escapes anyway. :-\

 

90% of my life is fine. I like me. I like my house. I have friends-- even a few who don't live in my phone or on my laptop, lol. I'm helping my kids get straightened out. I think we're doing okay. But there's that 10%... the part of me that desperately wants another soul to connect intimately with (or, hell, even just a FWB!). It absolutely terrifies me to think that I will never have that again-- no love, no kisses, no cuddles, no sex. I'm 41 years old; the women in my family live well into their 80s and 90s. I could be here 50 more years-- or more! It's a bleak, depressing prospect. I'm not... noble?... enough to pretend that I can be satisfied with celibacy and solitude for the rest of my life. My kids protest, they say "We love you and need you, that should be enough." Maybe it should be... but it's not, and I don't know how to make myself accept it, let alone embrace it.

 

At this point I'm resigned to things as they are, but I'm not happy about them. I still feel as though I'm serving a life sentence, hoping for early parole for good behavior.

 

 

[Torn]

Jen....

  Ya know your children saying/ professing their love & the inability to live without you are beautiful things in life , heck ANYONE would have to be a fool to not know these feelings between children and mother/ father are epic,that live us craved throughout the world.

  Jen, its 2016 and we all know....

There's another kinda love,its spirit and physical,that co meingle <sp>.

  As those who have lost physical connections,well we know how huge a roll these things play in our function / feeling as adults, its a different connection you feel/ don't feel.

    Eventually you'll find yourself in a bond with another and until then, find a " lil good" in the fact you will find this you just haven't yet.

. Jen, keep your head up, hopefully your connection is around the corner & don't fear there'll become a way for things to work out.

 

[MrsT85]

...[M]y sig line everywhere else for the past 14 years or so has been "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes." No one wants to hear this particular truth, so I'm trying to keep it to myself-- sometimes it escapes anyway. :-\

 

Being a widow is full of ugly, awful truths.  I'm three years out this Wednesday and I've gotten fairly lucky (although using that word in any context now seems rather perverse) with the whole "putting my life back together" and I STILL spend a decent chunk of time mourning the future I never got to realize with Tim.  Hell, I still shed at least a few tears every day because - separate from any romantic or sexual longing - I just miss my best friend.  I miss the understanding and the comfort and the mile-long list of shared interests we had, many of which were developed during those formative years between ages 19 and 27 that I spent as his girlfriend, fiance and then wife.

 

So please Jen, if it helps keep sharing.  I know I can't blame you for still feeling bitter, angry, sad...whatever...because I know those are emotions that I'm still very well antiquated with.  ((hugs))