It's just stuff

[Beyondlife]

That's what I've been telling myself this week.  My sister and I are moving to Florida in June.  She is moving in with me until the move.  We've got people to help us put her stuff in storage so I'm putting the things I am taking in it too. 

 

With us combining households and moving to a place smaller than what each of us has now, I have to be selective on what I take.

 

The hat box of every card he ever gave me.  The boxes and boxes of pictures.  The harley clothes, jackets, jewelry and helmets that I never wear now.  His knives and zippo collections.  His turquoise jewelry.  Not taking any of it.  None of this is going with me.

 

Today, I threw away the clothes he died in.  I've had them in a duffle bag in my closet just in case I ever needed to put them on, sit in the dark and fall apart.  I haven't done it but I needed to know that option was there.  Now it's not.

 

I keep saying it's just stuff, it is not memories, it is just stuff.  But damn it, it is my memories.  I'm so afraid that without the stuff I will forget.

Damn, Damn, Damn.

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm nowhere near what you are doing.  It is just stuff but it's HIS stuff.  I'm not saying keep it all, just keep what's most important to you! In my head, I'm thinking you'll never forget no matter what stuff you get rid of.  I have to embark on what you are doing now.  I've just been avoiding it.  Maybe I'll post the same in a month or so

Damn, this is so hard.

Hugs B

[Beyondlife]

I am keeping his Harley leather - it will hang in the garage, just like it always has.  The strangest thing I'm keeping - I'm keeping his black/red Keds that he wore when we got done riding for the day.  Those damn 13 1/2 shoes are going in my closet!

I avoided it the first time I moved (a year after he died) by bringing so much of it with me. 

Know that when you do it, I will be there with you in spirit, giving you a hug.

 

 

[JeanGenie]

I agree with BrokenHeart...keep what's most important to you.  Thankfully I'm not having to move or downsize right now because I still have most of his STUFF.  I'm slowly sorting and purging but it is the dumbest stuff that I'm keeping (like a certain t-shirt he wore) so I get keeping the keds. It is just STUFF but each thing is a memory and HIS. Wishing you strength.

[Guest TooSoon]

I have not moved (yet...) but I have gone through two major purges: the first was about a week before he died.  I got rid of all of his clothes, shoes and coats.  It was january and I felt good about giving them to the men's shelter downtown.  There was nothing I could do for him at that point, he was in a coma, so I think it was my way of feeling like I was doing something for someone. 

 

Then last may (at about 2.5 years), I gave all of his art making materials (not insignificant: a whole room, kilns, other equipment, hundreds of canisters of glaze, tools), power tools, etc. to the art teacher who got his job.  I guess I felt compelled to post and say that I kept only a few things (I still have the sculptures - all of them) for my daughter and unloaded the rest and while I had to have a stiff drink before I watched it all go, I haven't thought about it since. 

 

It is, indeed, just stuff.  Good luck with your exciting move!

[donswife]

 

Hearing about the zippo collection just had me take a deep breath for you

I can almost picture it

I did a bit of a few purges here and there

luckily I dont have to do more because, for now ,not planning on moving

it was only when I had the emotional and physical energy, that I could do it

It was easy to throw away his work clothes(his boss was being an ass weeks before don died)

I so understand keeping the keds....I have a pair of slippers he wore all the time around the house

they are tattered and old but wouldn't part with them for a million dollars

good luck and sending strength your way

 

[Trying]

It is "just stuff" but it's a difficult step to take.  I did an initial purge in the first 2 months after he died of the clothes and toiletries that were easy to give away then I had to do a big purge when we moved last year.  I have 3 boys so I saved things they may want some day, coats, some clothes and way too many tools.  I probably would not have done it for a long time if I hadn't moved and been forced to make quick decisions. 

 

Good luck as you go through this difficult task.  You can also take pictures of things that are hard to part with and keep them on your phone, your memories will stay with you, I promise. 

[Wheelerswife]

I'm telling myself that I will be purging this summer.  UGH!  I'm not looking forward to it. John had a lot of things...hundreds of books, tools, academic awards...too much stuff to cope with.  Barry, on the other hand, was too weak physically from his neuromuscular disease to be able to use too many things.  Somehow, I was able to reduce his life to a couple of boxes.  John...not so easy.

 

Hugs...keep what has meaning.

 

Maureen

[Justin]

You can also take pictures of things that are hard to part with and keep them on your phone, your memories will stay with you, I promise.

 

 

This is my plan to deal with a lot of items that will neither make our upcoming move, or be placed in storage for our daughter when she gets her own place. One of my favorite photographers has often stated that perhaps the greatest thing that photographs accomplish is to serve as "memory triggers".

 

 

I also like the thought of being able to "go there" and remember when I feel strong enough to do so, rather than being confronted with items all of the time.

[Beyondlife]

thank you all.

At 5 1/2 years I still come here to the safe place where people have the biggest of hearts

[66etype]

I'm 4 years out. I purged most of his clothing a year ago or so. This is the year of purge... it's all going. If it belonged to him and I have no interest in it, it's gone. He's not in that stuff. I've kept it for 4 years and he still hasn't walked back in the door.. so it all goes. All of this heavy baggage needs to go. I keep thinking to myself if I died suddenly what would the kids do with all of this stuff? I hardly know what to do with it. I'm not leaving this mess to them.. that is the most loving thing I can do for them.

I know this is hard at so many levels and for so many reasons. We all have to find our way... <3

[Justin]

He's not in that stuff. I've kept it for 4 years and he still hasn't walked back in the door..

 

 

This statement really stuck with me. It's strange how we cling to things of theirs, even when those things are of no real use to anyone - especially those that are now gone.

[Mizpah]

I had to move at 5 months, because I couldn't afford to stay in our place anymore on my own.  I only moved a few blocks away, but still had to do the packing and purging.  It was brutal but good for me.  Some things of his, though, I just packed up and begged my dad to store in his attic.  Almost five years later, and I'm wondering what in the world I'm doing hanging onto stuff like key chains, or even the laundry that needed to be done when he died - I did mine, and saved his.  It *is* just stuff.  But it's also more.  It's both.  But really it's just stuff.  When it's no longer infused with meaning, that's all it is.  When does the meaning go?  I guess that's the part that's different for everyone. 

[Guaruj]

After 20 months, I still have a huge amount of her stuff. I gave away some of her clothes and jewelry to her mother and sisters. Otherwise, hardly anything has moved. Since I use only electronic calendars, I still have calendars on the wall showing July 2014.

 

I thought I would start purging after one year, but nearly two years have passed and I have hardly done a thing about her possessions.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Beyondlife]

We do it when we're ready.  When we know we're strong enough to handle it.

It hurt, it made me sad, it made me remember BUT I am still upright.  I guess I was finally ready.

[Torn]

After 20 months, I still have a huge amount of her stuff. I gave away some of her clothes and jewelry to her mother and sisters. Otherwise, hardly anything has moved. Since I use only electronic calendars, I still have calendars on the wall showing July 2014.

 

I thought I would start purging after one year, but nearly two years have passed and I have hardly done a thing about her possessions.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

 

  Don't feel bad man,I'm the same time frame as you and am the same there's more here than has left for sure man.

    Its not wrong & I believe I'm feeling better now about parting with the lil things that aren't keepsakes or much good to others,I'm getting ride of a few things at a time,because this us a Hell of a ride to travel down & I'm not one to place bumps in my own pathcso easy does it for me,lil by lil.

  Peace to you all ~ToRn

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I'm doing it now.

 

At a little over six years, I just have to.  I have set aside things to put in a scrapbook.  If I were more technologically proficient, or had the money to hire someone, I'd just take pictures of it all and make a CD.  I don't need to save all the postcards he picked up stationed in Thailand, a few will do. I just threw out a scrapbook I made for him many years ago, to store all the letters and cards from his family, his in-laws, and his daughter. 

 

It's weird, because I was pretty unhappy through a good chunk of our marriage, but Late husband seems to have kept most of the birthday and anniversary cards I gave him, though I didn't do the same.

[Guest TooSoon]

I got rid of so much stuff so early on and have never regretted it.  There is a room in my basement that is PACKED with stuff from "before."  Ive avoided going through it except for once in 2013 when I needed to find my daughter's birth certificate to get her a new passport.  I want to be ready to sell my house, so I know I need to do it this summer but I am dragging my heels because once that is done, I will be able to put his life (well, not his sculptures but that's a whole other ball game) into a couple of boxes.  Then all that will be left of that chapter (our daughter notwithstanding) is selling this house.  I'm not sad about any of this; life is good again.  It all just seems so final. Like credits should roll or something. 

[tybec]

Thanks for this post. I need ideas, help.  I purged about 3 times the first 2 years.  So, a lot is gone, but now have NG.  Realized how much there STILL is.  NG isn't handy man, and LH was aircraft mechanic.  I have tools galore.  And just stuff that doesn't hold meaning as I don't use it.  Crystal, china, knickknacks over the years from wedding.  What to do with it?  And perhaps the biggest - pictures.  Took all down in bedroom but family wedding picture of us and same in living room.  Have son, so he needs to have pics of us, his father. But what is too much?  When to take it down?  What if we end up living together?  Then what with it?  Have LH's pics from childhood, as he was an only child.  I gave a box to his mother to take the ones of folks I didn't know, as I can't pass it down to my son if I don't know anything.  She handed most back to me......what the heck? 

[Wheelerswife]

Oh, I so relate!  This is my summer project, but much needs to happen in the next few weeks, since his brother is coming from Alaska and I want to give him some of John's things.  I just don't want him choosing to go through things I don't think John would want him to see or have.  My sense is that I will sell my house and move in less than a year, so the more I get done this summer...when I truly have the time...the better.  I'm also offloading some things I kept when I moved here.  I got rid of so much before...and now more.  I don't need so much stuff.  Some day, someone will have to go through my crap, too.  I don't wish this on anyone.

 

TooSoon...I've seen some of those sculptures.  I don't know what I would do with them!

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

 

 

TooSoon...I've seen some of those sculptures.  I don't know what I would do with them!

 

 

 

I'm avoiding dealing with this subject entirely because it is going to be World War Three with my lovely sister in law (who, unbeknownst to me, moved back here two months ago and is already starting to cause problems).  I'm keeping what I want and what I want for M but at some point this summer, the others must go.  Do I feel good about this?  No.  But it is a logistical impossibility to keep them all.  I'm afraid it is going to set off another massive drama with my family in law, which is a shame because we've done so well, my father in law and I, these past three and a half years.

[SoVerySad]

Sorting through 20+ years of things we had accumulated to clean out the house was painful. For me, just the triggering of many memories was the hardest part. Deciding what to keep of my husbands' belongings was easy as he placed very little value on material things. I saved the few things I knew meant something to him - his Packer's cheesehead and jersey, his album collection, our stereo (which he was very excited about decades ago when we got it and is likely obsolete now). I don't even know how to hook it all back up, so it is just in boxes for 2 years now. I also was obsessed with anything he held in his hands, perhaps since I miss his hands so much, such as his car keys to vehicles I no longer own and his gloves.

 

I have a storage unit full of household things I thought I needed to keep. I haven't gone there for anything since January, so I think I'm just going to purge almost everything in it as I haven't needed it. That will save me the cost of the storage unit.

 

[Guest nonesuch]

You can take pictures of the pictures of your husband, or have them scanned.  Depending on the resolution, you could store 800 to maybe 5-6000 pictures on a disc.  Flavor assures me this is a do-able  project.

 

http://www.computerhope.com/issues/ch001612.htm

 

I went to the store to buy a mini-sd card for my phone, and the employee in that department told me I probably didn't need it, for how I use my phone.  He said an average phone could hold up to 4- or 500 pictures without one.  Operating our scanner is clumsy, I may just photograph a lot of stuff, transfer it to a cd, and pitch the pictures.

 

LH was a pack rat.  There are a lot of non-working tools in the shop.  We'll probably sort through them this summer, see which ones are repairable or only need batteries and donate them to the local voc/tech high school.  His clothing has been donated. 

 

 

[Suki1]

I think pictures are an excellent idea. They may take up a little space on a hard drive or a phone or a DVD, but that hardly compares to the room taken up by the actual (3-dimensional) items. Plus the photos are easily transportable, and you can back them up, store them on the cloud, etc. And compared to scanning – or at least to my scanner – I find taking photos is a lot faster and a lot less tedious.

 

Besides taking photos of would-be keepsakes, I also take photos of things I've given away, including my own stuff, so that I don't have to wonder later where it is.

[trying2breathe]

I'm going through a purge with my kids of several storage units, and it's so hard to sort through DH's possessions.  We found a box of items from his office desk - framed pictures of us, work awards, miscellaneous files, it's as if he stepped out for a little while and is coming back. 

 

 

His work clothing was donated quickly as I couldn't manage all of his suits, what was more difficult were his favorite  t-shirts, his slippers, a couple of his hats.