It's just stuff

[MrsT85]

This is something I have a phenomenally hard time with.  Tim wasn't really a pack-rat per se, but he did have very large media libraries (CDs, records, books, movies) and many many t-shirts and posters that he absolutely treasured.  He spend so many years accumulating it all and was very proud of it.  And I know he never planned on getting rid of any of it because of conversations we'd had - he had told me he regretted even getting rid of CDs and band t-shirts that he never listened to or wore anymore before we even met, because it was a part of his personal history, his personal narrative.  Yes - it is just stuff, but it's his stuff and he loved it.    And I still love him.  So even though it's really hard, I feel like I have a continuing obligation to him to take care of it.

 

There is a room full of our things at my mother's house though, and a room full of things at his mom's.  At this point though I'm not even sure what it all is because in the couple months after he died, there was a mad dash to pack up and store everything (I was being forced to move from our apartment) and a lot of that emotional stuff - wedding mementos, vacation souvenirs, all of his t-shirts - haven't been unpacked since.  That was over three years and three moves ago...

 

There will be a time soon though - hopefully in the next year - that New Guy and I finally stop being renters and buy a place.  And at that point, I will have to confront the boxes of our lives that I've been afraid to face for literally years at this point. 

[SoVerySad]

MrsT85,

 

We'll be here to support you when you go through those boxes! Maybe you could have a quilt made from his band t-shirts?

 

Tight hugs...

[Kater]

I have tackled a few things that are "hidden" ie. dresser drawers, personal items under the bathroom sink, etc.  But all the other stuff is a double whammy.  Not only would I be removing pieces of him but it also empties out the house.  I can't imagine my closet 1/2 empty, or the other sink in the bathroom being naked.  The house is empty enough without him there.  His stuff keeps it a bit more full.

[Wheelerswife]

Kate,

 

Your closet doesn't end up half empty.  You begin retail therapy and that fills it up pretty easily.  Somehow, I just found ways to fill up spaces.  I now have plants that fill up space in my dining room.  And there are piles of paper on other surfaces.

 

It's hard, isn't it?  Now I am trying to get rid of stuff, but it took me over 2 years to get to this point.  It didn't take me nearly that much time after my first husband died, though.  It's all different.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[bumbleb]

The junk people are coming tomorrow. I'm emptying out the garage where I stored the furniture he built in his early wood working days and I served as his "assistant". Its huge, bulky stuff that serves no purpose except for me to pile more unnecessary stuff on top of it. Beyond the furniture, they're going to take the old deep freeze, our first "big" tv, all things that hold no value.

I'm a little melancholy about the memories attached to the things, but I need the space more than the stuff.

[Wheelerswife]

Another weekend of purging has passed.  This weekend, I started tackling John's shop/office in the basement.  He spent a lot of time in this space, and it has been the most difficult space for me to touch.  I went through most of his hardware and tools.  The hardware will go to his best friend on campus, another professor who oversees the Maker Space we have where students and community members can come to work on projects of all kinds.  I also gave John's handball gloves to his friend Paul, as they used to play nearly every day on campus.

 

My friend Steve helped me sort through a lot of tools, deciding which would go with Steve, which to the Maker Space, and which will go top the local Habitat for Humanity Re-Store.  I also saved some and a rolling toolbox for myself.  Shelves will go to the Maker Space, and a brand new storage cabinet and workbench will go to my friend Steve.

 

I started looking at the things on John's desk, but I stopped when that got overwhelming.  I did find and read the journal John started on the plane when we were heading to Hawaii to get married.  It was really sweet reading his words over that trip.  He stopped writing the day we got married.  Oh, how I wish I had more from the hours and days that followed, but I suppose he was busy giving his attention to me.  None-the-less, I'm happy to have his thoughts from 5 years ago.

 

I'm getting there.

 

Maureen

[DragonTears]

Hi Beyondlife, It's good to see you on here.  At first I think there is a strong need to hold onto everthing.  There was for me but I didn't have much because he had most of his things with him overseas.  I do have his green Army jacket with all the patches he had sewn on it.  Later the things started to mean less and less because I could hold them but that wouldn't bring him back and that angered me. Nothing could bring him back.  Then the anger helped me to purge many things of his and mine because my possesions meant nothing anymore. Now I have to go through the same process with my mothers things only it was accelerated because my sister wanted to get the house sold before winter, which we did.  You won't forget!  In fact, as the grief starts to melt or morph into something different, little glimpses of your life together will fill your mind when you least expect it and it will feel like you are there in that moment again.  Hold on to those moments. They are precious.

 

I'm sorry I didn't get to meet you before you left.

DT

[Beyondlife]

Hi DT,

So glad to see you on here too.  Moving out of state has been so good for me.  Luckily for me, my sister moved with me, making it affordable and not completely alone.  I brought very little with me.  I've done ok with most of it.

I hope you are finding some peace in this new life we have

[tybec]

I try to keep saying this to myself, and it works most of the time.  It will be 5 years in Jan.  The "stuff" is becoming a burden now.  That being said, I cleaned our basement in Oct.  I have half finished and half unfinished, but two big rooms.  Disposing and passing on things was a goal.  Done it before.  But this time, I was hit with the reality of the dreams being dead.  We were to finish out the unfinished, make a game room, man cave, place to have people over.  We used to do that often even without it finished, grilling out, playing cards.  Then it was turn it into the kids place to have friends over.  I was so emotional AGAIN, letting the reality sink in that those dreams, plans are over, and this big space is just that, not a holder for our future.  It is HARD, and I don't think others get it.  Cleaning out your grandparents or parents things is difficult, but not the same as letting go of your future, desires, life planned. 

 

Just keep going at your own pace, but accept it may be emotional when you least expect it.  Or you may be ready, and it is a matter of fact task.

[pigsCANfly]

I moved at a year out. I had three months...I had the time, the truck, the helpers, and the space. I took it all. Now, in that first year, I had thrown away the trash, and things that were broken but he was keeping as "spares" in case the new one we bought broke (3 shop vacs, anyone?) and a lot of his clothes I had given to his friend who dropped everything to come help me when he died. He had nothing, and suddenly he had a complete wardrobe (or 12!) Over the past five years I have parsed through it several times, and every time I get rid of a little more. Suddenly, I realized, WHY do I have this stuff? To paraphrase one poster, he hasn't come back for it yet, so??? I kept his stage clothes, hunting stuff, some favorite cuff links and a watch, and all of the tools and equipment, for me and my son, but the other "stuff" is just stuff I don't need. I will eventually get rid of some tools, because unless I start a commune prohibiting power tools, I doubt I will have a need for 26 hand saws, 50-odd screwdrivers, and twice that many pliers and cutters and strippers, etc. Not to mention, tools for which I still haven't figured out a purpose, and which have not been identified by the myriad tradesmen I know. The more I dispense with, the lighter I feel, and the less stress I have about dealing with it all.

 

I hope that you too feel better when you have finished... stuff does trigger memories, but so do many intangible things like scents and songs and TV commercials and random-ass thoughts, and they are much easier to find room for, wherever you go.

[Bear Tomás]

I purged almost everything but photos. 

[MrsDan]

I kept everything. Everything. The only thing in the first few years I gave away was one of his video gaming guitars to his sister when she got married. This past summer, I did throw away some trash, but mostly I just organized things a bit better. I recently gave his brother all his Rock Band gaming gear. (Dan was an incredibly skilled recreational gamer but it was also part of his professional life; as a children's librarian he held tournaments at his library and others). I know these things are just stuff, but they are so HIM.

 

I always figured it was fine because I didn't need the space. But more recently there has been an unexpected development on that front. I'm thinking at some point my boyfriend will live together. And currently there isn't room for his stuff. So there's a practical reason, but one that makes me feel really guilty. Like I'm getting rid of Dan's stuff to make room for another man's. But I do have an added bit of weirdness to my hoarding: my stuff. I no longer wear almost any of my old clothes. It's too painful; it's part of my old life. Yet I can't get rid of them. Or rather, I've been unable to. When I do finally initiate a purge, that's where I'll probably start.

[Skitwin]

I was exactly the same, I slowly replaced all my clothing (but for a couple of sentimental pieces, which I keep in a box in the attic). Too painful, and I needed to try to stop reminding myself of that horrible time. I am so glad you are dating someone. Take what joy you can from life. Your husband wouldn't want it any other way if he truly loved you.

[jeudi]

I'm so afraid that without the stuff I will forget.

 

I could be wrong but my hunch is you won't.