School functions...

[SoVerySad]

Just wondering if not having your spouse at the kids' school functions ever gets easier? I suppose it has gotten a little easier over the past 3 years in that I'm able to hold back tears. Last night my daughter was inducted into the National Honor Society. I'm so proud of her, especially given the Depression she's been dealing with this year.

 

Her core group of friends were all inducted as well. I've gotten to know their parents, so we were all standing together chatting and taking pictures of the kids. All the other kids had both parents there and there

I stood without T. I thought I'd be more used to it by now, but I still really feel so cheated.

[Mrskro]

SVS;

 

I can so relate to this,  my DS graduates grade school this year.  He's been trying to get out of going for weeks.  (we are still a couple months away).  I just keep going around in my head all the things they have to do without their Dad there to see.  How unfair this is for all of us. 

 

"but I still really feel so cheated."

 

This so much this! 

[trying2breathe]

It hasn't gotten any easier for me, other than I'm able to hold back the tears.  Other than the major ones, some school functions I don't attend as it's too painful.  I stood with parents taking pictures of DD and her friends that attended prom a few weeks ago, and felt so out of place without DH there too. 

 

DD graduates high school next May, I'm already planning to invite a large group of extended family to the ceremony.   

 

"I still really feel so cheated"  <<< this 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Trying]

The pain has dulled, I guess, but being at those events shines a spotlight on our loss.  My middle son is graduating high school next month and I know it will be hard to sit there without Tim by my side to share in my pride, hard for my son to look up in the stands and know he isn't there, hard to take pictures with all of the complete families around us.  There have been so many milestone events he has missed and they are as hard as the difficult moments he isn't here to share. 

[calimom]

SVS,ongratulations to your daughter's induction to the NHS, that is a very big deal! And her father should be here, so sorry that he is not.

 

When my husband died (almost nine years ago), I had  1,5 and 14 year olds. At this point I've been to preschool to high school open houses, graduations from everything from Montessori to college, Little League games, swim meets, first nights of plays and dance recitals and PTA meetings. All without their very enthusiastic father by my side. I've gotten….used to it, I guess, but it's still hard. I'm grateful for my local family who've showed up for some of these milestones, as well as my dear mother in law who has flown across the continent several of them - including once for my little daughter's performance, if you can call it that in a community theater production of "Oliver" - she was one of many kids in the chorus. As much as I appreciate the support and their love of the kids, just not the same.

 

I don't really feel jealous or envious of the intact families at these events, it's just more wistfulness at what was/could have been more than anything else.

 

My youngest is now 9, and I have a ways to go yet. Hang in there SVS.

[Sugarbell]

Congrats to you and your daughter!!!

 

For me....I think maybe it's not as bad because I don't know life any different. My oldest hadn't even started Kindergarten when DH died. So every first day of school, conference, awards, assembly...it's always been just me...with all 3. I can't even wrap my head around what it would've been like with both of us doing these things 8.5 years later.

 

The first few years were very tough...I don't know if it was the logistics of dragging a baby and preschooler with me to the oldest school functions alone. The stares in those early days did sting:But for many years now..no one blinks an eye. It's be just me at all the kids functions It's completely the norm.

 

I think i might have felt differently if I had years of the 2 of us at school functions. But I never had it....so I don't know life any different.🙄

[twin_mom]

It's been 3 years and 8 months and attending their events still sucks- but for different reasons now. When the twins were recognized at a ceremony for their outstanding ACT scores as seventh graders by Duke TIP last week, they didn't miss their dad there because him not being there is their norm- but that's what made me cry. Because it's crap that that's their norm. And I cry because he's missing it and he would be so proud of them.

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for sharing your situations and thoughts. Twin_mom, I really get your post. My daughter told me she didn't really even think about the fact that her Dad wasn't there. She's gotten used to it being just her brother and me. On one hand I am glad that it doesn't cause her as much pain. On the other hand, like you, I felt the sting of her dad not being there being nothing out of the ordinary for her now.

[MamaZ]

For me, it's a mixed bag. Our kids were 6 and 9 when cancer won. At 16 and 19, I could not be more proud of them! Sure, at graduation, Honors Night, College orientation, etc... we each felt the inevitable pang that D should be here, but each think, in his/her own way, that he somehow must be. It would be that important to him. I think we also feel a keener sense of pride in the accomplishments, though, given what we were dealt. I cannot believe how well they are doing, all things considered.

[Virgo]

Congrats to your daughter!

 

I wouldn't say it's easier, but it's our new normal. It's really bittersweet for me. I'm proud of my daughters, but I dread school functions. I think about how Phil is missing these milestones, and I'm attending solo.

 

All three of my daughters are reaching milestones this next school year. My 17yo will be a senior. My 14yo will be starting high school.  My 8yo will be moving to the intermediate school, 4th&5th graders. Orientations, graduations, all solo.

[SoVerySad]

I had a revelation this week, that I've been expecting my son to attend all his sister's school events (he is mainly homeschooling) as a means for me not to have to go alone. At 17, I'm pretty sure he's not thrilled about it, yet true to his nature, he has never once complained. So, I told him he no longer has to go with me, unless he wants to. I'm pretty sure he'll still want to go to the football games and parades with me (she's in marching band), but probably not her chorus or band concerts. Time for me to start being comfortable going alone.

[trying2breathe]

 

Go SVS, you can do this!    I too relied heavily on DD to be with me not only at school events but to attend other functions as well.  Unlike your sweet son, my DD complained about it though :  so I had to deal with being alone early on.  I began to realize that there are plenty of parents that attend school functions by themselves, and for the most part nobody gives mind to anybody else there.  It probably helps that I'm in a new area and not known by anybody at school and can easily slip under the radar.   

 

As I continue this widowhood journey, I'm realizing that people go solo for a lot of things including meals out, concerts, etc.  Not sure if I'm ready for that yet, but it's good to see that others do it. 

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you t2b. I haven't actually attended an event on my own yet, so I don't know how it will be. But at least I've recognized that I need to start, right?

[trying2breathe]

Yes, kudos to you for recognizing and being open to attending events by yourself!  Maybe we can give each other some encouragement on getting out there! 

 

 

[MrsDan]

I really struggled with this when DD had her first school program last winter. Seeing all the dads there; it was tough. And thinking about what Dan is missing, that's even harder, and not something I really see ever going away. I'm sure there will be future events that family members would be willing to attend with me. But it will never alter the fact that Dan is missing everything.

[trying2breathe]

Just found out that DD is receiving an academic award at school this Friday morning. My daughter has struggled getting accustomed to her new school, I'm proud that she will be recognized for her hard work this semester.  This will be the first award that she will have received at this new school. 

 

 

I'll be there of course, nervous about going alone but am pretty sure that I won't be the only solo parent there. 

Sigh .......