Females of our species - an observation..

[Taurus]

This is something which I've pondered for a long time, based on my own experience. I've come to recognise and accept that the females of our species are a lot more resilient, more resourceful and more adaptable..tougher...than us males...

 

Over the years, I've known of at least 10 situations where the wife has passed away, and the husband has followed within 2-3 years. I witnessed it with my own mum and dad, where my dad joined my mum barely 2 years after she left us - and I put it down to a broken heart, something which I believe is not generally recognised. In every other case I've encountered, the husband has inevitably followed the wife, after a protracted mourning period. Conversely, I know of several wives who have lived and are living fruitful and seemingly happy lives several years after the husbands have passed away...

 

Your take on this "phenomenon"? Mine is this: in my experience, when my beloved (and our girls) have gone away for a week or 2 and I'm home on my own, the novelty of being solo wears out within 2-3 days: the most unsettling aspect within that period is the relative "strangeness" and discomfort of coming tome to a clean tidy house rather than the wrap-around warmth of a home, without my wife. So many things we take for granted which we suddenly have to do for ourselves (and for pets!!), that when the wife is no longer there, I believe most men struggle to adapt and really feel the heartache and pain of not having their soulmate around.

 

Conversely, because women have had to shoulder so many of the daily chores and home building, I believe they become "battle-hardened" and better-prepared to manage the heartaches and emotional upheaval to be able to continue on after the loss of a husband/partner.

 

In the past, I (selfishly) often said to my beloved that I wanted to die before her because I could not imagine life without her. Given my admittedly unquantified observations on the survivability of male spouses, I fully expected to join my beloved within 2-3 years. But with 2 daughters, I am determined to become the few exceptions to my observations, at least until our younger one (15) graduates from University, by which time I might be ready to move on - or not.

 

I'd be very interested to have opinions from the males on these forums. I'm guessing but it feels like widows outnumber widowers on these forums by a significant ratio which, it itself, tends to support my observations.

[Portside]

I believe that the group formed of members of each sex have, in general, predominant strengths and weaknesses. These strengths will vary somewhat based on culture and other factors but, in the end, I see women and men each possessing some very important elements that are vital for mankind.

 

It takes elements from each of that body of strengths to build a decent and just society, creation of strong and moral families and proper guidance for our children.

 

In my view, humans are happier, stronger and more humane, if you will, when we seek out and promote the relative strengths of each sex and strive to minimize the weaknesses of each group.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Taurus]

Thanks Mike, for your thoughtful and considerate reply. I was not really trying to pass any profound commentary on the relative strengths of each gender: I was curious to see whether anyone else had an opinion on whether male spouses per se survive the loss of their spouses any less than female spouses.

 

I might google to see if there are any statistics which point to my experience or whether mine is an anomaly. It certainly feels (at least to me) that females survive the loss of a spouse a lot longer than men. I know of only one widower (my beloved's father) who has remarried and survives quite happily after losing his wife some 11 years ago.

[Taurus]

Wow, just found this 2012 article...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/elder/9625818/Men-more-likely-to-die-after-losing-their-wife-but-women-carry-on-as-normal.html

[Quixote]

The stats are real-- widowers generally don't last as long as widows.  I tried to look it up, but studies vary.  Seems to be around a 20-30% increase in mortality for widowers, about 5-10% less than that for widows.

 

Are women tougher?  Personal guess is that they're more open to accepting support than men, better at showing and sharing emotions, and more likely to have close family and friend contacts.  It's not an absolute, but I can say from personal experience that it took a lot for me to open up to even close friends.  And I came real close to checking out, saved mostly by the few friends I was willing to share my problems with.

[fairlanegirl]

Hi Taurus, thought you might be a fellow Kiwi from your photo!

I think Quixote may have nailed it there re women and support networks. Although these figures (and the article) seem to me more applicable to older people.

Bit over five years for me and on here and its predecessor, it is a good site, all kinds of folks.

[Taurus]

And kia ora to you too fairlanegirl .

 

The other issue raised in the article I referenced which blows me away is the high mortality rate of mothers following the passing of a child! Heartbreak is an unseen killer...

[Guest April]

That would be it for me Taurus.. I couldn't handle the loss of one of my children.. The slight thought of it brings me to panic and tears.

 

My father in law lost his wife almost 30 years ago.. he is still hurting as if it was yesterday.. he doesn't go to events because people are there as couples and families which makes him miss her more.. he says it takes him at least a week to get back to "normal" after going to a social event. she was the glue in their family.. once she passed all the celebrations stopped Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc.. it's just a big empty house that takes you back to the 80's.. he hasn't changed a thing.  It is very sad.

[Sugarbell]

Widowers of all ages do tend to recouped quicker....maybe it's a survival instinct I dunno.

 

Some widows do too...but I have met quite a few that are happy years later single.

 

I also think woman are left much better off financially than they were 100 years ago when so many had to remarry per se. So..the benefit of taking on another person to take care of is less appealing.

 

If I lost a child...that would be a different ballgame-I honestly am not sure I would recover from it. I  am thick skinned when it comes to romantic relationships (and I am not saying that is a good thing either).. but my kids..totally different person.

[SoVerySad]

I'm terrified every day about losing one of my kids. I've barely made my way through a few nights I thought I couldn't, because of my kids. The thought of losing one of them on top of losing T would surely be more than I could handle, yet I would still have the other one that would need me even more desperately. I already feel like I'm an inadequate mother since T died. What would I be in that scenario? I'm learning skills to stop myself from letting my thoughts go to that type of scenario, but I literally am like a newborn learning a new skill in this area as this worry has been present for so long now.

 

I think there are so many variables that data alone might not be conclusive. In general, women live longer than men anyway. I suspect the factors of whether one was a long-time caregiver also comes into play. On one hand, most long-time caregivers have already had to learn to do a lot on their own, but conversely many start the grieving process depleted physically from all the caregiving. I myself took no meds before my husband died and now take an obscene amount daily. My health has really taken a toll, but I'm realizing how run down, both physically and emotionally, I was before T even died.

[Bunny]

My aunt has lost three of her seven children. All of them died in their 20s- the last one wasn't even born yet when the first one died. She is an amazing woman. I have much love and respect for her. She has handled these deaths with an inner strength and grace I stand in awe of. I know her Roman Catholic faith gives her much comfort, along with her other children and grandchildren.  I still remember the Christmas card she sent my first year of widowhood- acknowledging the difficulty, and promising me it would get easier. knowing how intimately she understood grief, I took great comfort in her words.

 

Perhaps the reason men die or re-couple sooner than women is simply because, many times, their wife was the only person they had to truly confide their deepest feelings to. Most women have multiple people who fulfill that role. I can't imagine that kind of loneliness.

[Tatianakm]

I will go even further to point out another silly research article that I just came across not so long ago: in this article some research group was suggesting that not only widows go on and recover from the loss faster than the widowers, their health generally improves after the spouse dies. The notion is that we spend so much time caring for our spouses that when they die, we can finally concentrate on ourselves and therefore our health improves. So, Taurus, not only we recover faster than men, but apparently become healthier alone. I am obviously bitterly sarcastic here. Men are such fragile creatures that they just wilt away without a spouse, but women are just so resilient, they go on and thrive solo. What a stupid assumption and it is infuriating! Just ask a hundred or so widows who are on this very forum and struggle daily to get out of bed and carry on with basic functions how easy it is for them to go on. Or those who at 3-5 years out and still think about ending it all...

 

Each journey is unique. I feel that we are here to offer support and kindness to each other and not measure out the degree to which one might suffer more than the other.

 

Apparently I just entered the anger stage of the grieving process...

 

Edited to add: I have to admit @Portside that even though I had a tough time agreeing with some of your other posts, hint-hint :-) your observation here is very wise; thank you for it!

[Quixote]

 

Perhaps the reason men die or re-couple sooner than women is simply because, many times, their wife was the only person they had to truly confide their deepest feelings to.

 

 

Yep.  I talk to animals mostly now.  Occasionally anonymous people on the Internet

[Trying]

We always said that if my grandmother died first my grandfather would be right behind her, we couldn't imagine him surviving without her.  Her health started to fail and she needed some outside help he was so worried and heart broken. He dropped dead of a heart attack in the house and she rallied and lived a few more years.  Not that she didn't grieve or miss him but we knew they went in the right order.

[Lisa]

Broken heart syndrome is a real thing. I feel we owe it to those who love us to try our best to watch our health. I am so far from healthy.  But I'm trying  Some of us have that passive I'd be ok if I didnt wake up, this plane crashed, different fantasies or strange thoughts. I usually push them away because of my family.  I was under tremendous stress late fall with a major move and multiple serious hospitalizations of my late husband's young adult son. One day out of the blue I had intense grabbing chest pain and felt like I couldn't take a breath. I was under the delusion this would be resolved at urgent care. When I found myself in the damn ambulance I was scared beyond belief.  How could I leave his kids like this? Luckily I did not have a heart attack. I dont think I had broken heart syndrome 6 and a half years out. But it scared me to tell them what was going on. I believe I am incredibly resilient. I may cope differently than most but I have made it my business to cope. We have seen widows and widowers die of various causes since Ive been in this club. It hurts extra. I hurt extra for their families.  I rode a lot of waves, got a good deal of counseling and lots of time with other widow's and widowers.

My biggest stress was financial so I finally packed up and started a new life about 1,000 miles away. I feel like I have somskills to deal wupith intense stress now. I wish I had less ! But I finally  feel like I'm building my new life. And he's  still wiypth mevall thebtume in my heart,  soul, memories.  He's my soulmate.

I know this should be a male  thread so I hope i didnt babble on too much. Ive met so many wonderfulnwidowers who also took the time to grieve and are rebuilding their lives.

it takes a long timebfor most.  Give yourself time .

Get check ups!

[Taurus]

 

Yep.  I talk to animals mostly now....

 

That's the risk of online dating..

[SoVerySad]

 

Yep.  I talk to animals mostly now....

 

That's the risk of online dating..

 

Well done, sir! Although I have not or likely will not ever try online dating, I'm totally with Quixote that I talk more to animals - my own and those I encounter when I'm out.

[Nuggets]

A long time widower acquaintance (expat Kiwi...) when asked about why women 'do better' with the widow experience: 

 

'...women flock, men don't...'

 

Succinct, but he was alluding to openness to support and comfort from other women (or men if they offer it) -- and that women are better at offering support and comfort.  Generally, I have found this is my experience. 

[MrsDan]

I realize there are trends, and certain phenomena that have data to back them up, but I take exception to a lot of the generalizations. No I did not die from broken heart syndrome, but there is no way I could have been more broken hearted. Not possible. For a long time I felt like my body betrayed me by continuing to go on. Those that die soon after, they do not love their spouses more than me, their lives weren't more intertwined. I doubt they had less support than me, because a lot of mine evaporated.

 

 

[Trying]

It's most definitely a generalization and not an indicator of love or depth of grief.  My assumption is that it applies more towards the elderly.  Having worked so many years in geriatrics I have witnessed the power of "will" in survival as well as death.  Some people hang on inexplicably long when they have unfinished business or are waiting for a loved one to come from afar to say goodbye.  While others with seemingly insignificant ailments give up or surrender and are gone quickly.  I don't think healthy younger adults have that kind of power over our strong bodies, which is probably a good thing or we would we see many young widow/ers dying of broken hearts.

[Virgo]

My mom died just three months before my husband. My dad is an alcoholic and most certainly would have drank himself to death if he wouldn't have moved in with his girlfriend.  He was already headed that way. After a trip to the ER and a 4 day stay, he moved in with his girlfriend. I'm so thankful for her.

 

I'm not sure how I would have handled losing my mom and husband if I didn't have my three daughters to care for. There are so many variables with grieving.

[Taurus]

It's most definitely a generalization and not an indicator of love or depth of grief.  My assumption is that it applies more towards the elderly.  Having worked so many years in geriatrics I have witnessed the power of "will" in survival as well as death.  Some people hang on inexplicably long when they have unfinished business or are waiting for a loved one to come from afar to say goodbye.  While others with seemingly insignificant ailments give up or surrender and are gone quickly.  I don't think healthy younger adults have that kind of power over our strong bodies, which is probably a good thing or we would we see many young widow/ers dying of broken hearts.

My Mum passed away when she was 48 (cancer, never smoked), and my Dad joined her 2 years later at 55, I put it down to a broken heart. He was fit, was not sick, but I believe he just could not live without his soulmate and simply chose to join her! I've seen this happen too many times...

[Guest nonesuch]

The notion is that we spend so much time caring for our spouses that when they die, we can finally concentrate on ourselves and therefore our health improves.

 

Apparently I just entered the anger stage of the grieving process...

 

Not all research is done especially well.

 

About twenty years ago, I saw an alarming headline about the tendency toward early death by...wait for it...left handed people.  The researchers couldn't figure out what was killing them.  There just weren't many over a certain age (don't remember, 65 or so)

 

I inferred that the people who compiled these figures were under forty.  And not left handed.  And didn''t talk to people.  Maybe folks who gravitate toward statistical work aren't good with people.  If any of them had been left-handed, or talked to people who were they would have discovered that as recently as a couple generations ago, left-handed children were pretty universally forced to switch.  If their parents hadn't attended to that task in early childhood, a teacher would when they started to learn to write.

 

Watch out for lies, damn lies, and statistics.