Quixote Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 Just talking aloud to the aether here, no real insights. But maybe that's the one thing I've learned-- there are no profundities to be found in loss. It's terrible, awful, and at the end of any supposed journey, it doesn't matter. The person you loved more than anyone else is gone. I've become numb, after a fashion. I still find myself occasionally smiling, I make jokes, I enjoy things, all that. But that's on top of the great chasm of grief I still carry. Five years. I still wake up every morning, wondering where she is. I go to sleep, reaching for a hand that isn't there. I wake up calling for her, not every night anymore, but often enough that I've had to explain that I "get nightmares" when I share a hotel room or cabin. Don't get me wrong, I'm still functional. I'm back at work, I have friends, I get through the day, I use splice commas (See? My stupid sense of humor is even intact) It's just that I expected to move on or something by now, yet I still feel like an incomplete half of this dyad that's been shattered. I guess this is the new normal. I suppose it's to be expected: by definition, life was better because we found each other. Of course life is worse now. Not valueless, just not as good. Driving back from a horse tournament yesterday, I just started crying. I think I'm okay as long as I'm doing something, but going home to a home that isn't there is rough. The thing that kept us going when we were apart was knowing we'd be back together. Lost it setting my alarm, too. She always would call me for early show times. She'd set her alarm and sleep with her cell phone. It could be 4am on the east coast, she'd still call, ask me if I was sitting up with my bedside lamp up, then murmur how she loved me and say goodnight. Leaving from home, she-- a woman who often told me that she "didn't become a musician in order to wake up before 9"-- would get up and make me strong coffee and an open faced peanut butter sandwich, toasted and wrapped in a Scott towel. Always got crumbs in the car. It was pretty much all she knew how to cook, but as the saying goes, the secret ingredient was love. For the record, I was the breakfast maker when I was home. I'd plop her tea and snacks down on the beside table at the aforementioned 9 am and wait until I saw her peek out of the covers. Sometimes she'd just pull the tea back in. Sorry, now I'm just babbling. I miss her so damn much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 Thank you for sharing those great little anecdotes about your wife and marriage... It's funny, isn't it, how lovely it can be getting to know a bunch of dead people you'll never get to meet? You two sounded like a pretty good team...I'm so sorry your love story ended much too early... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Tight hugs to you, Quixote. I'm at a little over 3 years out and realizing that missing my T is just never going to stop. In many ways, there is comfort in that. I no longer worry I'll forget the wonderful life we had together and his unique and amazing qualities that gave me such a sense of contentment and love. Of course, I wish the missing him didn't come with such pain attached. While it has softened a little, I still would give anything except our children to have him and our life together back again. More hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torn Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Thanks Quixote, Yeah man your right, it's not a journey as much as a repeated ending good Sir. 2 years here and I appreciate your story it helps man... ToRn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 thanks for sharing your story gave me a chance to get a glimpse into a beautiful relationship its such a hard life with out the person we loved the most Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 The beauty of loving someone is in those small moments and the little things we do for each other. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Almost 3 years out and also at the realization that missing him will never end. Thank you for sharing your story - a beautiful relationship ended way too soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 … there are no profundities to be found in loss. It's terrible, awful, and at the end of any supposed journey, it doesn't matter. The person you loved more than anyone else is gone. … Five years. I still wake up every morning, wondering where she is. … I miss her so damn much. You are quite right, Quixote, all the "profundities" fly out the window when it comes to the loss of the person most central to our life. Artful words are meaningless, and the typical platitudes seem to be dismissive of our true feelings. Although I have traveled down this road twice as long as you, I still don't have anything more illuminating or "deep" to offer than: It hurts and leaves a big void, even as we resume 'the logistics of life'. It must be lived to be understood and is unique for each person. Nobody can quite understand someone else's experience. You have loving and treasured memories, but in the end, as you put it: … "I miss her so damn much." Maya Angelou said: I answer the heroic question: "Death, where is thy sting?" - with … "It is here in my heart and mind and memories." Wishing you Peace and a brighter Horizon on your continued sojourn! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I did the 5-year in April, timeline friend. Thinking of you. I hope that you will somehow find a new(er), more satisfying normal. Five years is a strange time I've found. Half a decade - it is so long and it's gone so fast too. It's all just strange. DH no longer seems real to me, he's inaccessible. I'm sending you lots of love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Just sending you my solidarity Quixote. I too enjoyed your anecdotes about your wife. Peanut butter sandwich is about my speed too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It's been a bit of a week, emotionally. I don't know what I was expecting, but the memories hit pretty hard, almost like it had only been a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I guess this is the new normal. I suppose it's to be expected: by definition, life was better because we found each other. Of course life is worse now. Not valueless, just not as good. I'm a bit over three years myself. I didn't expect to ever stop missing him...he was my absolute soulmate and best friend. I'm crying a little bit at my desk right now just thinking about him and how deeply I still long for the life we had together, even as I work hard and make strides to rebuild. I resigned myself to the reality the day he died - I might one day be happy again, life one day might get good again, but never as good as it was. Never to the point that I wouldn't trade it all in a heartbeat to have him back. Perhaps at some point in the future I'll have to eat my words, but from where I'm standing now I don't anticipate that being the case... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrskro Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 yet I still feel like an incomplete half of this dyad that's been shattered. This resonated with me, so much. I feel like I'm missing half of me, and haven't figured out how to make myself whole again. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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