Widow Assumptions

[SoVerySad]

I have a new friend (platonic, although I am very attracted to him). We've talked about our past relationships. Mine was teenage sweethearts married for almost 28 years. It was a good marriage. He is divorced post finding out she was cheating on him and then a 5 year relationship that didn't end well. He told me I was lucky because I know exactly what I want when I'm ready to date again. I asked him what he meant - that I had started dating my husband at age 16. I have no idea hw dating even works now.

 

He told me that since I had such a good marriage, he assumed I would look for someone just like my husband. I told him I had no intention to try to replace my husband. If I would start a new relationship, it would be just that and I have no preconceived notions of exactly the person I'm looking for. I wasn't attracted at all to my husband the first time we met, in fact I thought he was weird. But he won me over once I got to know him. I'm also not a 16 year old girl anymore (wish I was so I could relive my life with my husband again).

 

Are most of you looking for someone like your spouse/partner? Do you think that most people would expect we would be?

[SemperFidelis]

I can see why people would make that kind of ignorant assumption.

 

It should go without saying, I LOVED my husband.  I won't explain myself, just take that for the fact that it is. Now, that said, my husband was a flawed man.....and also an injured man (debilitating combat ptsd).  So no, I don't want someone just like him. He was a special man, and I gave him special extra leeway because I loved him so much.....his soul was unique. But now that I have a choice, there's a lot I won't put up with in a partner.

 

I did in the beginning think I wanted to find someone else who had been in combat. I had lived and breathed his ptsd for so long, that I could not imagine relating to anyone without it.  But I ended up meeting a very lovely civilian, who I struggled to relate to for a long time....and maybe I still don't completely, but I gain so much from the relationship, it is nice to be taken care of for once.....instead of being the caregiver. But it has not been an easy transition, being with someone sooo different is not straight forward.

 

Anyway. I love my husband. I miss so much about him. But I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him again. Nor is it even possible.

[klim]

I am just getting a handle on this myself. I've had one 2 yr relationship since being widowed and many of the activites we did were similar to what my dh and I did. We cycled and hiked and travelled but not luxury travelled.  I liked that, that part of life was similar. BUt bf was a different man then dh with some similar characteristics.

 

I've done  only a bit of dating and I must say when I'm interacting with these new people I'm trying to keep an open mind....maybe I'll like someone whose more laid back.....maybe I'll like someone whose more high class...more worldly.....more artsy... more touchy feely....I'm testing the waters.

 

But I have to say I think I'm looking for someone who keeps me in my comfort zone....we will see

[MrsDan]

I can see why people would make that kind of ignorant assumption.

 

It should go without saying, I LOVED my husband.  I won't explain myself, just take that for the fact that it is. Now, that said, my husband was a flawed man.....and also an injured man (debilitating combat ptsd).  So no, I don't want someone just like him. He was a special man, and I gave him special extra leeway because I loved him so much.....his soul was unique. But now that I have a choice, there's a lot I won't put up with in a partner.

 

 

 

I could have written this, just substitute alcoholism for PTSD. I love Dan, but I would never enter a relationship with someone suffering from addiction again. What I was looking for this time around, was to be treated really well. I feel like I've been kicked around and hurt, not just by Dan and his addiction and death but also by people who weren't there for me or kicked me when I was down. And when I met my boyfriend, what really stood out for me was just that he is so, so nice. That drew me in, and then I realized he had all these other qualities that I wanted. He also does not drink. I can (easily) count on one hand the number of times he's had a drink since we've been together (9 months) and last night was the very first time he's had a drink in my presence, and it was a very small amount.

 

I didn't set out to find someone like Dan, and on the face of it, they seem very, very different. Dan was super casual, and outwardly very edgy. N seemed kind of buttoned up when I met him. Dan was also very funny, and  that was something very important to me. At first I wasn't sure if N was all that funny, but it turns out he's hilariously funny and he's far more laid back than I realized. And I've been realizing more and more lately that they are more alike than I would have imagined. A couple weeks ago we were at the store, and N rode the grocery cart down the aisle, you know, where you stand on the bottom rung and push off? Dan did that all  the time. And then a few days later N made a joke, it was literally the same exact comment Dan had made (so you'd think I would remember but I don't). Like Dan, N is an educator in a non classroom setting and they are both good with children.

 

That's not to say there aren't differences, and after so many years with someone it does take some getting used to. Dan hated people being late; N is chronically late. But he's not inconsiderate; it's because he often stops to talk to someone, or help them out, or because he just underestimates how long something will take. Dan was a very picky eater, and had no problem telling me when I made something he didn't like. N eats anything, and he is very complimentary when I feed him what I make (which is a few times a week). Dan had a habit of correcting people he loved, and teasing them about things they felt self conscious about, I think to try to get them to not be self conscious, like a kind of exposure therapy. But it often had the opposite effect. Like, I'm short, Dan was tall. I do not have long legs by any means and Dan used to call them tree trunks. I know he did not mean to be hurtful, but it was hard not to internalize the comment. I mentioned to N how I hate my legs and he was incredulous; he said he loves them. And he actually likes the fact that I am so short because he is only a few inches taller.

 

And once I got used to the differences, I've come to appreciate them. And I have felt conflicted about that, but honestly? I love Dan, I truly truly love Dan, but I spent a lot of time with him walking on eggshells. There were wonderful times too, laughter and private jokes, affection  and compliments, don't misunderstand. I know Dan loved me deeply, but sometimes it feels like N likes me more than Dan did. There are a lot of similarities, and differences as well. I do think they would have liked each other a lot, under different circumstances.

[Mizpah]

I'm not sure this necessarily is something specific to widows.  I think it's akin to the having a "type" or not having a type conversation.  And as far as it having to do with widows, I think for some widows, they learn not only what they ARE looking for but also what they're NOT (because many relationships weren't perfect and/or were damaging in ways). 

 

I personally have never had a "type" - my boyfriends have been as different from each other as any people could be, all of them.  My current boyfriend (a widower) very often assumes that whenever we have problems, it's because I want him to be like DH or because he's not like DH.  And I feel that he probably should've found someone a whole helluva lot more like his late fiancee than me, because there are very deep incompatibilities between us that he and she did not share - cultural and preferences and emotional investment issues - I mean, it's really hard to explain how different he and I are (and how different I am from his late fiancee). 

 

My point, though impossible to discern through my rambling, I realize: because my relationship with DH was as close to perfect as I could imagine, I *am* looking for something similar, but NOT for a similar man, if that makes sense.  I'm looking to have the same kind of closeness, the same kind of admiration and approval of each other, the same kind of adoration and consideration and regard, etc.  But maybe that's even pointless to state, because isn't everyone looking for a good, close, healthy relationship, and that's really just what I'm describing?  (That being said, I think in a lot of ways my boyfriend is not looking for that, but rather a pragmatic partner and lots of emotional distance.  So maybe not.)

 

Have I gone far afield?

[daysofelijah]

I looked for someone the opposite of my late husband. I was unhappy in most of the marriage. I think I chose someone based more on pleasing my parents, and jumped into a marriage because of pressure that I was getting old (25  :). Sad, but true.

 

This time around I chose someone who makes me happy.

[Sugarbell]

No...not exactly...Although I love a quick wit and outdoorsy type (like DH). Unfortunately they are few and far between in these parts.

 

And this is shallow...but I need tall.  I've gone out with shorter (shorter to me is 5'10-6'0). I am 5'10... DH was 6'5. I miss a tall guy...I've tried shorter...I just can't really get into them. Ugh

[Virgo]

I can understand seeking out similar qualities in a new relationship. Just like we know what qualities we don't want in a new relationship.  It's not about replacing them. It's about finding someone that is just as compatible and makes you happy. I feel blessed to have had that type of love and relationship with my late husband. I hope I find it again. I definitely won't settle for less!

[fairlanegirl]

And this is shallow...but I need tall.  I've gone out with shorter (shorter to me is 5'10-6'0). I am 5'10... DH was 6'5. I miss a tall guy...I've tried shorter...I just can't really get into them. Ugh

C'mon, my DH was 6'6" and I'm 5'4", only a 14-inch difference! But I never let him rest his beer on my head  ;D

Just joking, we all have our irrational likes and dislikes.I remember once standing on a ladder to do some job and being at his height - the world looks very different for you tall folks, it was quite a revelation to me!

[arneal]

Thanks for this thread -- it's something I guess I've had on my mind the last couple of days ... sort of.

 

I've been widowed twice. The first marriage, to put it bluntly, sucked. He was abusive, so much so that I still had nightmares about him for about 10 years after he died and well into my second marriage. The second marriage was what taught me how good things can be; second husband encouraged my creativity as he was a musician. He had his issues like we all do, but also had health problems. I cared for him until the end and as God saw fit was able to work from home to be here for him. It was tough but I would not have wanted it any other way.

 

Now I am looking to build a relationship with someone new. I am totally not looking in for someone like second husband, even though I loved him to the core. Just the nature of trying to date is out of my comfort zone!

 

However, I realize that I am ready to move forward; I don't want to think about what he would have thought about what I am doing (that was a crazy sentence!). I have been cleaning my garage and found all these photos -- most of them I've saved for my stepdaughter but bunches of them I've put in envelopes to send to other relatives and friends. I am interested in this one guy and he's been to my house; I am grateful that he doesn't seem freaked out by all the pictures of my 'former family' all over the place -- without them, the walls would be almost bare lol! He's not a widower and has never pressed me for any info. I am pretty open and on dating sites do tell people I've been widowed twice. If it scares them, obviously we won't be compatible as this is my experience. Take it, leave it, it's all good.

 

Best to you, sister!

[SemperFidelis]

MrsDan, my husband self medicated with alcohol too.  Every day, all day, to cope with his PTSD.  One thing with ch2 I have had to adjust to is that he is mentally present(aka sober)..... Its really weird, lol.

Like you too, I feel conflicted about enjoying all the perks of being with someone who isn't all fucked up. I know it's what my husband would want for me - only the best, and for NG to fullfill me in ways husband couldnt. I have to remind myself of that.

 

I had a nightmare the other day that My husband came back from the dead(nightmare because he was unmedicated in the dream)....and I was conflicted on all levels but especially that I am so happy now with ch2. It was a pretty fair reflection of how I really feel guilty for my happiness.

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for your replies. This is all so very new to me. I guess I was making a distinction between the type of person I'm looking for vs the type of relationship I want. I truly have no traits/habits of my husband I would want to avoid in another person. The person themselves doesn't need to be similar to my husband, but I do want someone willing to work together to achieve the aspects of my marriage that I believe made it strong and lasting, such as never going to bed mad at each other, etc..

 

Thank you for giving me more ways to think about this.

[MrsDan]

I wanted to add something that happened yesterday. My husband was very irreverent and appreciated wildly offensive humor. Yesterday, my boyfriend told what some would consider a pretty offensive joke. I laughed, and immediately thought, man Dan would be on the floor laughing at this. I really have no idea of what Dan would think about me falling in love with someone else, of me being in a relationship. But I do think, at minimum, he would think, man if she's going to be with someone else, I'm glad it's with someone who would tell that joke.

[arneal]

Great point, MrsDan! When I realized I felt ready to move forward into dating, I had a conversation with a couple of my dearest sister-friends and with my pastor and his wife as they are essentially my family away from home. Not that I was seeking affirmation but that I wanted people to not be caught off-guard. Anyway, my pastor told me that my former husband had said to him that the one thing that frightened him more than just about anything was that I'd stay alone for the rest of my life. He'd actually made a comment to me once or twice that was similar and I told him that he would be around so there was no need to even discuss it. Well, we see how that turned out, but I was irritated (lovingly) and humbled that he would give me that blessing ... that was love right there.

Now I do wonder what he would think about me actually having invited the guy I like into what had been our home ... and into the private spaces ... yet I don't dwell on it. There is no point in making myself crazier!

[SemperFidelis]

Hahaha, MrsDan, I have found myself in exactly the same situation(offensive joke and all)! I really enjoy those moments when I can imagine my husband laughing right alongside me at something ch2 said.

[twin_mom]

I think we all have certain qualities we're attracted to- why people say we have a "type". I think this is why some people end up in the same bad relationship over and over again, for example, and some people just seem to be "lucky in love"....

For me, I want someone who can make me laugh, make me feel safe. And both dh and ng fit that bill.... They have a lot of other things that are similar as well, but are also very different- dh was a pacifist, ng is ex navy.

 

I think for those of us that have had successful relationships, we know what kind of partner we were with and yes, may look for a partner with those qualities. But people who had unsuccessful relationships can hopefully have the personal growth from it and learn what qualities to look for that fit them better moving forward as well, so it's not something unique to widows, imo....

[arneal]

Very well said, twinmom!

[tybec]

The NG I see sent me a meme that said, "Women want a man who makes them laugh and makes them feel safe, so basically a clown ninja!"  You wrote those qualities in your reply! 

 

NG says I have a type.  I laugh, since I dated one guy from age 14.  He is former military as was DH.  He is a large man, strong build, and good with kids, silly.  But very intelligent, Mensa guy.  I call him my sweet and salty guy, a perfect combo.  Anyhoo, a "type".  I guess.  I contacted HIM off a dating site.  I had no idea about the similarities to my DH from that.  Get this.  He says the same jokes as DH, knows all kinds of music and quizzes me, classic rock and outlaw country.  Was a DeeJay for a job.  My DH was too, and same with the music. Coached his boys in baseball and football and is a scout leader.  All the same with my DH.  A type?  IDK....  But strange.  None of this was part of his profile on line, just keep learning it about him.  This world is amazing and mysterious, I tell ya.

[SemperFidelis]

I think perhaps the way we differ from divorcees is that generally, we can approach selection of ch2 in a different way.... I think it's more common for divorcees to hate their ex and perhaps feel like "never again'" whereas widows mostly don't have that same bitterness driving us.

 

I think you would also be hard pressed to find a divorcee who is fondly seeing similarities between the ex and the new person.

 

Tybec, really funny about your NG and his similarities.

 

 

[arneal]

Interesting point, Semper; I think there are some basics we are 'fond' of looking for in the next chapter if we had them in the first place. Second husband was a kind, artistic, and free sort of spirit who had no problem with his own quirks, much less mine. Yes, I'd love that in the next chapter. First husband? Nothing there I am fond of and look out for it specifically because I don't want any repeats!

 

I find it unusual that there are similarities between new guy and I, things I never suspected. They aren't big things but when they come up, it catches my attention. I have been paying attention to those things more than any similarities to past relationships ... selfish? Probably  ;D