There it is

[mikeeh]

There it is.  There is that feeling I remember so well.  That empty hollow feeling of loneliness and isolation that was such a prevalent part of my earlier widowhood.

 

For 10 months I wasn't a widower anymore.  For 10 months I once again had someone that cared for me, that loved me.  I had someone to share my life with.  Someone who would wish me good morning, someone to say good night to.  Someone who cared how my day was. 

 

I wasn't a man who lost a love to breast cancer.  I was a man who found love with a wonderful, beautiful, loving caring woman. 

 

Gone now though.  Once again it is Friday night and I am sitting on my sofa alone thinking about how long and lonely the next 20-30 years of my lonely life is going to be.  Except this time I have experienced  a wonderful passionate love and with beautiful, sexy loving woman.  I think a nicer more passionate love than the one with my lost wife.  Mostly I think because I had lost

 

Maybe I will lucky and get a similar diagnosis as my wife did 8 years ago.  Then this pain will go away.  This heart ache will be over.  If I only get 10 months of happiness for years of pain then it hardly seems worth it.

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry, Mikeeh, that you are hurting so much right now. I don't have any experience with a relationship since my husband died, so I can't offer any advice or perspective. But I can send you some hugs and my hope that you will find another relationship, if that is what you would like.

[Trying]

My heart goes out to you.  Take the time you need to grieve the loss of this relationship and for your heart to heal again.

[mikeeh]

Thanks,

 

This is our time.  I should be holding her in my arms right now.  We should be kissing like we haven't seen each other in a year.  Even though it has only been a week.

 

We should be just starting to share our wonderful day together with love and romance and fun.

 

Now is the time we would have been together, and I am sitting on the sofa fighting back tears.  Not very successfully.

 

This will be the first of "our" weekends that we will not be together.  A landmark, that once I go one of 'our' weekends then it is really over. 

 

I sent a letter she should get today.  I know it won't help, and will probably hurt.  But I have already lost her so how much more harm can it do? 

 

We will exchange an occasional text as "friends" but the coldness, and the formality of it may be worse than not hearing from her at all.

 

[SoVerySad]

More hugs...

[mikeeh]

Thanks SVS,

 

Sorry to go on so much about this.  I know it must seem silly.  Nothing everyone else hasn't gone through many times.

[Abitlost]

Thanks SVS,

 

Sorry to go on so much about this.  I know it must seem silly.  Nothing everyone else hasn't gone through many times.

 

Not silly at all, mikeeh. Heart ache is a pain like no other.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now but the pain will lessen over time; even the thought of that I'm aware can cause pain.

 

Hugs,

 

abl

[mikeeh]

Thanks ABL,  you are right just the thought that I will get over this loss is painful.  The idea that I will not have her back in my life hurts.  That it will be a time when I don't miss her, or that the thought of her doesn't make my chest ache and the tears flow.

 

It is amazing how much this is like when I lost my wife.  Right down to the fear that I will stop missing her.  That I will get use to her not being a vital and intimate part of my life.

 

It is amazing how quickly the universal widow fear of eternal loneliness returns to your mind and your every thought.

 

She thinks the pain of our break up will spur me to personal growth and teach me to learn to live life again.  She says that you need darkness to appreciate light, you need pain in order to truly appreciate happiness.  Doesn't she think I have had enough pain in my life with having to watch my wife die over an almost 5 year span.

 

[Captains wife]

I'm very sorry - loss upon loss is really really tough and painful. I know you want to speak with her/be in touch but one piece of advice I would offer is if this wasn't the right relationship for you please try a no contact period. Having been through this heartache, it did wonders for me (self help books recommend about 90 days). Please also be very good to yourself - it isn't "silly", the pain can be very real. Wishing you all the best,

[momtokam]

I sent a letter she should get today.  I know it won't help, and will probably hurt.  But I have already lost her so how much more harm can it do?

 

I'm very sorry Mike. I know how much it truly hurts to go through this after our initial loss. I agree with CW and the no contact advice. She may have been giving you a story about her feelings and reasons or it could have been the real truth.  It really doesn't matter in the end. You are hurting either way. You think that letter can't cause any more harm but you may be wrong. It can cause a lot more pain, on both sides, depending on what was said.

 

You have learned you can open your heart again, and that is a good thing. She had a purpose in entering your life, for whatever time that was. Take your time to heal, and you will. I know it's hard to see that but you will.

 

 

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry you're suffering.  Breakups are so hard.  I'm thinking of you. 

[Taurus]

You sound like how I felt when I and my first-ever girlfriend broke up in college (your High School). It felt like the end of the world but I learned from it and grew up a lot. My soulmate was taken from us 17 months ago, so I know about the emptiness, the sense of loss, sense of incompleteness..but we have two daughters who remind me daily of my soulmate (our young one is a split image of her mum).

 

I don't know the circumstances of your break-up, but it can't be as sad as the loss of your wife. I know nothing comes near it for me. You've experienced closeness to someone since your loss: don't let it drag you down. You met someone, go out and meet others. The last thing you need is to feel sorry for yourself and give up...Learn from it.

[fairlanegirl]

She thinks the pain of our break up will spur me to personal growth and teach me to learn to live life again.  She says that you need darkness to appreciate light, you need pain in order to truly appreciate happiness.  Doesn't she think I have had enough pain in my life with having to watch my wife die over an almost 5 year span.

I cannot really comment as have been in my first and hopefully last post-widowhood relationship now for about four years, and know I would crash badly in your situation. My heart really goes out to you. But this comment leapt out at me - did she really say this to someone in your situation?! Basically I suppose she was simply no longer into you - let's face it that's the usual reason - but as 'letting down gently' goes, the lady needs some lessons. What a load of pretentious, unempathetic tosh.

[mikeeh]

The "need darkness to appreciate the light" comment was told to her daughters when talking about why we are splitting up.  I think as much also for herself to deal with her own pain.

 

We have written.  Letters and email exchanged.  I went to her house last night and we had a 3 hour goodbye with lots of talking and hugging and kissing, and just holding each other. 

 

She has a strong spiritual side to her,  a woo side.  She is into all the spirits and auras and ghosts.  She says my wife brought us together so she could open my heart again.  She claims a sensitivity to emotions that can really bother her.  She finally told me last night that after every time we were together she had to do her little rituals to get the negativity out of her house and off of her.  That my negativity really affected her, but she loved me so much that it was something she put up with.

 

I'm not sure I buy it as she says it, as far as the woo side of it.  But I will acknowledge that there was something there. There was something that bothered her.  And I can't do anything about it so I have to admit it is over.  Even if it is not to hurt her anymore.

 

She let me see her one more time now that I understand why it is happening.  I don't like it any more than I did before but I understand.  We are going to do the 90 day thing.  I have un-followed her on FB.  If necessary I will un-friend but I can't really wrap my  head around that concept.  There is still a hope that we can be friends in the future. 

 

It still hurts and though I did fine last night with minimal tears I am making up for it this morning.  Especially when knowing last night was goodbye forever, with no chance of texts or emails or anything that will let us know we are thinking of each other.  Un following her this morning was like sticking a  knife in my own heart.

[Trying]

As difficult as it is I think it's better that you know the door has been closed.  Stick to the no contact and take this time to heal.  I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and while I do think we learn from painful experiences there comes a point when you think you don't have the strength to learn one more thing. 

[mikeeh]

Why can't we hate each other?  Why can't there be hard feelings and animosity?  Why can't I be angry so that I can curse her memory , for now, and move on.  I would rather get over anger and remember that I love her than try to get over love and just feel this emptiness.

 

No more communication.  Yet my whole FB page is her.  Some of it I think veiled messages to be about healing and being happy.  About how life is what we make it and if we decide to be happy you can be happy.

 

So besides not texting or emailing.  Besides not seeing her live her life on Facebook, do I not read her blog either?  It is a public blog, not directed at me.  So what if it is talking about how she was crying on her living room floor.  That is was over something mundane but just the emotional turmoil of the last few weeks has worn her down.  But that despite the current pain she would do it all again for all she has learned and experienced.

 

Do I count down the days to 90.  Waiting eagerly as each day goes by, one more day closer to when I can talk to her again?

 

Do I even want to talk to her again.  Well, of course I do  I miss her and I love her.  But will it do any good to talk to her again?  If contact resumes it will be as "friends", not as lovers or even as people who love each other so dearly.  And if we can't maintain the "friend" status then maybe not talk at all anymore.  Why set myself up for the next round of pain because the idea that I can be just friends with her is ridiculous.  Possibly if I find someone else to share my life with in the next 3 months then I can appreciate what she did for me in our time together.  Maybe I will be able to thank her for being the catalyst to find whoever the new person is.

[Mizpah]

She says my wife brought us together so she could open my heart again.  She claims a sensitivity to emotions that can really bother her.  She finally told me last night that after every time we were together she had to do her little rituals to get the negativity out of her house and off of her.  That my negativity really affected her, but she loved me so much that it was something she put up with.

 

Huh?  This sounds manipulative.  This wouldn't sit well with me.  Maybe one day you WILL feel some anger, and less sadness.  (If I were you, I already would just based on the above.)

 

As for breakups in general, no contact always makes for faster healing.  Maybe un-following her on FB could be a good idea (and F her blog!).  I'm not spiritual at all, but during my worst breakup (when the man I was with for 8 years cheated on me and I had to rebuild a life), I chanted in my head almost like a mantra, "He is irrelevant.  I am my center."  Because in breakups we do what you're doing - count down to the next contact, think about being friends, etc., etc.  It's natural.  It's that emotional desperation to still be an "us," to still have an "us" with that person.  But recentering is the only thing that ends that pain.  It takes time.  It takes emotional pain.  It doesn't help that losing her brings you right back to widowhood and that initial emptiness, and probably compounds it.  It sucks.  I'm sorry. 

 

Edited because I can't stop thinking about how she tried to say that your wife brought you two together.  If anyone ever tried to invoke DH without knowing it was absolutely cool by me, ....  It's just not ok.  It's f'ed up.  I don't even know you, or your late wife, or this woman, but I'm getting angrier the more I think about this.  It sounds like this woman is very sensitive to her own experience and very insensitive to others'.  It's basic human relations 101 to know you don't say $h!t like this to a widow(er). 

[Captains wife]

Someone once said to me that every relationship teaches you something and I think I believe that. I understand the initial pain of the break up and sometimes it is best that the partner is out of your life completely - or maybe somehow you are back in each other's lives as acquaintances further down the road (I'm not 100 percent sure about being real friends with exes, especially a very passionate, loving relationship - that can be tough). But I can promise you this - reading her blog, any texting, even seeing her on FB are all things that will set you back and may bring you back in. When my tumultuous almost 2yr relationship with my ex ended in Jan (we loved each other but it wasn't a good match for certain reasons) as hard as it was I directly told him to not contact me (as he was randomly texting me) and I deleted him off FB, Bloomberg and Linked In. I deleted a bunch our photos. I stopped looking at his Match profile - and all of this helped me focus on myself, my healing and get him out of my space and head. We didn't speak for 5 months (then he randomly texted me a few times). But with the no contact I was feeling better within a few months and now I feel great and I can see the whole  thing with much more clarity (8 months on) and without sadness or anger. 90 days is just a number recommended by professionals - personally no contact for that or longer is a good idea... Wishing you all the best and I'm sorry you are going through this...

[MrsDan]

You sound like how I felt when I and my first-ever girlfriend broke up in college (your High School). It felt like the end of the world but I learned from it and grew up a lot. My soulmate was taken from us 17 months ago, so I know about the emptiness, the sense of loss, sense of incompleteness..but we have two daughters who remind me daily of my soulmate (our young one is a split image of her mum).

 

Sorry, but the comparison is not apt. It's a very different thing to endure heartbreak once you've started experiencing life through the lens of trauma. Also, I don't recall if mikeeh has children, but I found it very painful when I was chided about the fact that I had my child, as she should be enough to help me through this loss. I'm sorry but she isn't. I feel very guilty about it, but it's the truth. My daughter is very much like my husband and there is comfort in that, there is just as much pain, sometimes even more.

 

 

I don't know the circumstances of your break-up, but it can't be as sad as the loss of your wife. I know nothing comes near it for me. You've experienced closeness to someone since your loss: don't let it drag you down. You met someone, go out and meet others. The last thing you need is to feel sorry for yourself and give up...Learn from it.

 

I've not had a post-loss break up yet, but it seems to me that the two events have the power to compound the trauma of each other. My relationship has been tremendous for me in pulling me out of the ravine of abject despair. the thought of being back in that ravine terrifies me, so I have tremendous sympathy for mikeeh.

 

That said, and I acknowledge I do not know this woman and have only heard one side, but she sounds like a complete piece of work. Keeping you at arm's length while reeling you in emotionally is not fair and not right. And now she's trying to situate herself as someone who did you a favor? Please. I'm sorry but no. When words do not reflect actions, you don't get to fall back on your words. This reminds me of relationships I've heard of where the other person does all these wonderful things and acts like they are in a full fledged relationship but they refuse to say I love you. And usually the response is, "Oh actions speak louder than words." I mentioned this the other night when my boyfriend and I were discussing us, and got on the subject of relationships in general, and he said, "No, what those people are doing is keeping an "out" for themselves. So that if they decide they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, they can always say, 'Hey I never said I love you!" At the same time, they can justify not saying I love you by doing really good things. In my opinion a relationship should have both. Actions that show love, and words that communicate it and where two people stand with each other. In all likelihood you will learn something  from this experience. Personally, I hope it's you deserve far better than this, because you absolutely do.

[fairlanegirl]

Mizpah, you put it well. After 90 days of no-contact this lady will have disappeared entirely up her own backside, so I doubt she could be found anyway. Apologies Mikeeh, no doubt she was lovely, but seems a bit self-centred.

[serpico]

We can pile on the lady as much as we want, but coming from someone who has been in mikeeh's shoes, trashing her isn't going to help him to heal.  It's raw, it hurts, and it doesn't make sense because it felt so right.  I get it.  I really do.  And despite her flaws she still probably seems like the only one who could make things right - if only she would change her mind/outlook.  And heck - maybe she will and you two will end up together.  However, that's not how it appears right now, so it's probably best to proceed as if you won't see her again.

 

I do agree with everyone on the no-contact period, though I'm not sure how 90 days got to be the magical number.  It may take a lot more than that before your hide is toughened enough to take another encounter with her.  Mine wasn't, I know that.

[fairlanegirl]

Yes Serpico, looking back maybe I was a bit harsh, I guess by nature I'm not a fan of the ole facile pop psychology, especially of the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' variety. And I haven't had a breakup since the advent of social media: back then, unless you worked with someone or they were in your immediate circle, it was easy to avoid them and lick your wounds in private.

[mikeeh]

Thank you all.  Thank you Serpico for defending her, thank you Mrs Dan for validating my experience.  Thank you all for you insight and your history.

 

I do not have an ounce of anger or hatred for her.  We were together for a few months before she mentioned my wife.  She knew she was on safe ground.  Though I am an atheist and have zero sprituality there is a little bit of me that wants to think that she would hear and speak to my wife and she was okay with it, and actually did bring us together to help me heal and learn how to live again.

 

I know it is over.  I don't believe all her woo stuff but there was something there.  Even if it is just her fear of relationships.  It was always meant to be temporary.  We were just both surprised by how deep the connection became and I thought it was enough to make a difference, she didn't.

 

I have un-followed but may have to unfriend.  I still find myself going to see if she posted anything.  To see what she is up to, how she is doing. 

 

We set the 90 day limit, which I think she did for me when I mentioned that I read it here.  I think that is just to give me a little hope now before I heal enough to realize the reality of the situation.  Even after 3 months contact will only be possible if we do it as friends.  I'm not sure I can do that, even in 3 months.  Even if it means hearing about who she is dating and who she is sleeping with.  I suspect that it is really over and even in three months we will not be able to keep it 'friends' or at least I can't/won't.  I am sure she will be well over me by then.

 

There is a friend from the board here who has been a great help for me through this.  A fellow widow.  During our 3 hour goodbye on Monday night I mentioned that this friend was helping with texts and messages letting me talk and keeping me company.  My lost love went to my fb and found her and messaged her a thank you for helping me.  She knows how alone I am and how much I am hurting.  To me it was very thoughtful and very loving to do that,  thank her for taking care of me.  maybe I am wrong.

 

I have never been through this before.  As far as this being not as bad as losing my wife.  I had 5 years to get ready to lose my wife.  I lost her a little at a time over that period to the point that when she did die so much of her had already been gone for a long time.  So yes, this hurts much more than losing my wife.  This was an out of the blue surprise.  Start the day with a few hours of wonderful, intimate sex and next thing I know I am getting pushed out the door for the last time.  Well, not pushed out.  After the sex we went downstairs to talk and the goodbye took over an hour of talking and tears and hugging and tears.

 

Day  2 without her is over.  Mostly, okay so I cheated a peak at her FB page, I couldn't help it.  I may just have to unfriend her.  I will keep counting like it will make a difference but I fear from what she said to me and what she said to my widow friend that there is no end to this in 90 days.

 

Thank you all for you input and support.  It helps to know I am not alone.  Even though I am.

[Mac]

mikeeh, sending good thoughts your way. I was married for 28 years. What a whole new world for me = dating and new relationships. So much to experience, combined with all of the other things to go through/experience post loss.

 

I went out with one woman for 9 months. There were so many great things about her and I thought that she might be "the one." Ultimately, I realized that we weren't a good fit long-term. Even though I knew that breaking up was best, it was still painful and I was tempted to try to reconnect.

 

I did date some after that. Things went pretty well there. With time and experience I've gotten a better idea of compatibility and what's most important to me. I'm in a relationship now with an incredible woman and we are very compatible.

 

I hope all the best for you. If things don't work out for you with your ex-girlfriend in the future, I hope that you will find someone that you are mutually compatible with and who is amazing. Best of luck to you!

[Guest Justme2]

.