Shout out to those single, strong, independent women

[Rayspumpkin]

This is just a shoutout to all those "ever-single, strong, independent" women that are appalled by my "little housewife" mentality. Like...they mow their own yard, religiously, not just before they get neighborhood complaints, and they fix their own stuff, they powerwash their own houses, clean their own gutters, & trim their own dogs' nails. Way to go single girls. I'm livid that my hubby isn't here to trim dog nails, or pull ticks, or any of that other stupid stuff that I'm too scared or too dumb to do. Those single girls are awesome...and I hate them! Lol

 

4 years out...still can't do this "adulting" stuff without him. Just a bad day...not a bad life...repeat 6 billion times.

[Kater]

Shortly after S died, I found myself complaining about the things I had to do that were not previously my "department" - taking out garbage, maintaining the yard, etc etc - to a friend that has never had a long term relationship at 45 years old.  Needless to say she was not sympathetic, rightly so .  I do think it is different when your life has evolved a certain way compared to a sudden change to things.  I have thought that about her social life too.  She has a wide network of very good friends and is very busy.  I don't have that many friends, and none single (she lives in another city 3 hours away or I would elbow my way into that circle of hers).

 

I figure it took her decades to build her life.  We are pretty much starting over.  Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves from time to time, if you ask me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[calimom]

It's no fun to do all the jobs by yourself. Raising little kids, managing bill paying, yard care, home maintenance, car care, et al. It can be exhausting. Yet I have seen 40 or 50 something widows who seem actually offended that they have to balance a checkbook or drive on the highway by themselves,at NIGHT lose their shit. As if they were 70 year old women in 1955 with no options. You can choose to be in that category, or you can choose to be the strong, independent, single woman you are. Which direction do you want to go?

[SemperFidelis]

Some of us took over those tasks when our spouses became disabled. It's life, sometimes we have to learn new skills and add more to our never ending to do list..... Even if they aren't gender role consistent. You better believe the wrath my husband would have faced if he tried to wear the skirt around the house. ;-) I am all about gender roles. But sometimes life doesn't support them. I was a strong married woman, and now I am a strong widowed woman. I am confident you are smart enough to do them.

 

You think I ever planned to rake leaves or clean gutters? Its life. You are not the incompetent  idiot you seem to think you are. I am sorry that someone planted that seed in your mind.

[imissdow]

Being a strong independent woman is a choice. Having said that I have a handyman on speed dial who helps me out a ton. No climbing on a roof or fixing a car for me.  Nothing wrong with knowing you need help. However sometimes we just need to put on our big girl pants and go do whatever needs done. I have hung shelves, mowed, trimmed, painted, fixed stuff, bought a car, van, and house. I asked for help because I was scared but at the end of the day the choice was mine. I've done more then I thought I could. Choose to make a change and tackle something. Doesn't need to be huge but you will feel stronger and more capable when your done.

[Trying]

My DH was very handy and was also a control freak so while I always thought I was pretty strong and independent after 20 years of marriage and never living on my own before we married, I realized there was so much I didn't know how to do!  While there are many things I have since learned to do out of necessity there are certain things I really don't want to have to learn and I have been know to have a temper tantrum or two in certain situations. 

 

Just this weekend my AC unit was leaking, for the third time since I bought the house a year ago.  I called the repair man and BF asked "why didn't you have him show you the first time how to fix it yourself?".  Well, electrical wiring and water all over are way out of my comfort zone so I payed yet again.

 

Also I'm in the middle of major home remodel job and I am realizing that while I'm pretty good at making decisions and lining things up, I'm not at all good about being a hard ass.  DH always got very chummy with anyone doing work on our house but demanded a level of work and was on top of every little thing being done to his standard.  I really miss him and our teamwork. 

[SimiRed]

Yes, I do all of this.  I climb the ladder to clean the gutters, fix the lawnmower when the thing breaks, change my own oil or flat tire, I am in my own home now after a long journey of getting here.  Independent, of course, but I do find myself questioning how much I can do.  How long can I run the weed eater that is killing my shoulders and back, fix the silly broken stuff around the house. 

 

I've learned to feel good about being able to accomplish these things, but it doesn't mean that I want to do these things.  Like Trying said, we do it out of necessity, or just to prove to ourselves that we can.

 

Some days I'm so proud of what I have achieved and accomplished and then there are those days where I feel so dang lost!

 

[Mancino]

The title of this topic reminded me of this: 

 

 

My husband was a stickler for details when it came to fixing things.  I know I have taken the easy way out on some things I've had to do, and I can almost feel him rolling his eyes at me somewhere when I do.  :

[tybec]

RaysPumpkin,

 

I get it!  I am a strong independent woman who had my grandmother get a college degree in the 1920s and protest in DC for women's rights.  BUT I still hate all the "stuff" that was NOT my job!  I still love being the woman of the house who had an aircraft mechanic husband, who was large, former Marine, and did all the "man" jobs.  I cried (and cursed) every time I mowed the stupid yard for months.  I was the career woman who missed her baby's first steps due to being on a business trip, but I still loved my MAN doing his MAN jobs.  I have hurt my back twice trying to do things by myself instead of asking for help.  I still have melt  downs occasionally when an electronic thing messes up, as that was his thing, not mine.  I get it.  I hear you saying a billion times, it is just a bad day.  I understand.  I know there are single woman who have been doing it by themselves for years, but I was not one of them and intended never to be.  So, I get it.  (((hugs)))

[MrsDan]

I think the difference is that most single people construct lives for single people and handle it accordingly while most of us have lives built for two, and now there's only one to keep it going. For me, it's usually more about holding the burden of things myself, when Dan and I built a life built for two. Dan wasn't really very handy, and I had to nag him incessantly, but if something broke, even if neither of us could fix it, we got to share in the stress. And the other thing is having to deal with things he used to, it makes the hole  he left feel even emptier. Like, one of the things Dan was in charge of was calling to complain if a bill was incorrect, or service was poor or whatever. He always handled that because he was great with people. I would just get on the phone and be a bitch, but Dan would be diplomatic and ultimately get better results. One of the things I loved admired about him was how good he was with people, how warm and engaging. Having to make those calls reminds me of that and makes me feel worse about having to do them.

 

 

I do think I let some of my fears and anxieties get the better of me pre-widowhood and I no longer have the luxury of doing so. I was complaining about my BIL and his wife, and how easily overwhelmed they seem to be to my boyfriend. He was understanding but said, "You have to remember that not everybody is as capable as you." But I wasn't always this way. If I'm capable it's because I have to be. And that's where I think some of my resentment (and some of the attitudes of the widows Calimom references) stems from. that other people have the luxury of learned helplessness and I don't. In addition, like SF, I had to take on more and more towards the end of Dan's life because of his illness. I have some residual resentment about that.

 

[Mrskro]

I think Kater said it all "I figure it took her decades to build her life.  We are pretty much starting over"

 

I spent 15 years learning how to work with DH, splitting chores, doing what we liked to do, and splitting the rest.  I spent 15 years not having to lug the stupid weed wacker around the yard. 

 

We didn't necessarily define things by gender roles, but I know I damn sure miss having someone to call to pick up milk because I forgot to.

 

edited because I posted at the same time as MrsDan....don't get me started on the phone calls.  That was so not my department.  I still have cable channels my DH watched because calling to cancel seems to daunting.

[marjoe]

I have to kill the fucking bugs (palmetto, crickets, spiders) myself. Shit.

[Rayspumpkin]

I'm so thankful that some of you got what I meant by that post. I know I'm capable, I know I "can do anything I put my mind to" I just didn't have to damn it! I guess it just comes down to missing having my perfect partner in life. I do what needs to be done. I put my big girl panties on and mow the yard, I pay someone to clean the gutters (chunky girl doesn't do heights) I cuss my way through fixing the leaky sink, or hiring the plumbers, or changing light bulbs that require climbing...it's just...he promised to always do those things...and he did; and now...it really sucks that he's not here and I can't even really be mad at him for it.

 

I think the difference is that most single people construct lives for single people and handle it accordingly while most of us have lives built for two, and now there's only one to keep it going.

 

THIS!!! I AM a strong, independent woman, I ask for NO ONE's help, I do it on my own or I pay for services; it just really blows because this whole living thing was supposed to be a twofer job...like I said, was just a bad day. A lonely day. A sad day. I'm all better today; call me she-woman because I'm doing it all!!! Just needed a moment of...I'm making it, despite the odds; but he was supposed to be here helping me make it.

[Rayspumpkin]

RaysPumpkin,

 

I get it!  I am a strong independent woman who had my grandmother get a college degree in the 1920s and protest in DC for women's rights.  BUT I still hate all the "stuff" that was NOT my job!  I still love being the woman of the house who had an aircraft mechanic husband, who was large, former Marine, and did all the "man" jobs.  I cried (and cursed) every time I mowed the stupid yard for months.  I was the career woman who missed her baby's first steps due to being on a business trip, but I still loved my MAN doing his MAN jobs.  I have hurt my back twice trying to do things by myself instead of asking for help.  I still have melt  downs occasionally when an electronic thing messes up, as that was his thing, not mine.  I get it.  I hear you saying a billion times, it is just a bad day.  I understand.  I know there are single woman who have been doing it by themselves for years, but I was not one of them and intended never to be.  So, I get it.  (((hugs)))

 

Thank you so much for "getting it" exactly. My husband was a carpenter...he loved to do the "manly" things and I did my fair share...but there were so many things that he would do, and tell me that it was his job...then usually follow it with "make me a sandwivh for when I'm done" which would illicit an eyeroll from me. I LOVED being the "little lady" of sorts. I'm not saying I was a 1950's housewife 100% but that's how it was...and I cherished it. And now, I've had to get an entirely new identity as the strong independent widow; and well...I didn't want that identity. Just as none of us did. I'll rock it out...but somedays...it's harder than others.