New member in need of help

[kimclerner]

Hello all,

 

My husband, Matthew, passed away suddenly almost 8 weeks ago at the age of 48.  We met in 2011 and married in 2013, so we were husband and wife only 3 1/2 years. He was not just my husband, but my soulmate.  Like all of you, I am devastated by this loss and, in fact, my grief seems to have intensified in the last week or so. My crying spells are fierce, and I seem to be emitting these sounds, almost as if I'm giving birth.  I am seeing a grief therapist and have plans to join a support group, but I am in such despair, I truly don't know if I can get through this soul-wrenching pain. I don't know what to do....

 

Kim

[Julester3]

You are grieving. Give yourself a break. Everyone grieves and copes in their own way. We all have good days and bad days. I don't think it's easy to control that fierce wave of grief when it hits but sometimes in the end, it feels better to get it out rather than hold it all in. I am sorry they seem intense right now and they sound almost debilitating for you. I think counseling would be a good thing to help you make sense of how you are feeling and how you can work with it. Just take it easy as best as you can. Hugs to you.

[SoVerySad]

I'm sending you a tight hug, Kim. I'm so sorry for those loss of your husband. I also lost my husband suddenly to a fatal arrhythmia. I remember that I also made these keening sounds because the pain was so deep. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for the pain to worsen once you are past the first couple of months. The shock initially seems to create a type of buffer that keeps you from feeling everything all at once. As that buffer wears off, reality sets in. So what you are experiencing is not unusual. Many of us remember it getting worse and wondering how that was even possible.

 

As far as what to do....I wish I knew some elixir to make the pain go away. Unfortunately, I don't believe one exists that allows us to escape from working our way through the tremendous grief. I know it may seem impossible to imagine that it will ever get less painful. Most of us felt the same way when our losses were newer, but have found it does soften with time. I know that doesn't help with the pain right now, but tuck that thought away - that it will get softer with time.

 

I cried a lot. So much so that I had blood pressure issues due to dehydration. So, be sure to drink water to offset the tears. I am of the belief that the crying is an important step in releasing the pain. When you feel you need to cry, don't try to hold it all in. Try to find small things that will give you moments of comfort. You may have to experiment to figure out what those might be. Ask for help you need, even if it is just someone to sit quietly with you and allow you to talk about your husband or the pain you are going through. Tell them you know they can't fix it for you, but you just need someone to listen and keep you company for a little while. Some people have found that writing in a journal helped them. I watched TV all the time. I had never been much of a TV watcher before, but it was the only thing I could find that took my mind off my loss for a little while. I think each of us needs to find something to hold our attention to give us breaks from the pain.

 

Coming here to share and talk with others who understand how truly excruciating it is may help you as well. There is a strange comfort that comes from having your feelings validated and knowing that you are not alone. There are some really wonderful, caring people here. I hope you will find comfort here as I have.

 

More hugs....

[SimiRed]

I'm so sorry for your loss! Sending virtual **HUGS** and I hope you find comfort here from others that understand. 

[Mizpah]

I wish we could tell you that there is a way to relieve the pain.  For much of this heartache, just simply surviving it, nothing more, is the best course (in the beginning).  I always refer to it as "bearing the unbearable," and to me, the fact that you're so emotionally overwhelmed that you are letting out wordless sound - it seems a perfectly accurate way of grieving. 

 

Things that helped me (and it's different for everyone)(I too lost DH extremely suddenly): therapy twice a week for 8 months, and then weekly; getting outdoors and in sunshine; writing - I wrote TO him but I also wrote about him, desperately trying to get down every piece of information about him, every memory, every trait, describe it all before time interfered; regular cemetery visits; seeing his family; being physically active (I ran a lot and it helped me feel a bit stable); eating healthy, not drinking and hydrating (for the first few months, I barely ate, but then I got on track and it really helped me feel more stable than I otherwise would have); leaning on fellow widows (I found a few women on my timeline and 5+ years later, they are some of my best friends, because they get it, every part of it); letting myself talk about it - him and grief - as much as I needed to.  Use us.  This board is here.  We all walk beside, ahead, behind, you - we all get it. 

 

Wishing you moments of solace.

 

 

[kimclerner]

Thank you all so much for your replies, compassion, kind thoughts and advice. I'm so sorry that you all have suffered such grief and heartache. I definitely think what adds to my grief is the isolation I feel - I mean, being a widow at age 51 years old - I know nobody who has lost their spouse at such a young age. It makes me feel so different and apart from all of my friends and colleagues.  I have been looking for a support group that is specifically for those who have lost their spouses at a (relatively) young age. I live in NYC and believe it or not, I have yet to come across an appropriate group! It seems hard to believe that in this big city, there's no support group available. It's such a relief to be among spouses on this board who understand...Thank you all again...

[Suki1]

Hi Kim,

 

I'm so sorry about your husband's sudden passing. My husband went suddenly, too. The only people I knew whose spouses had predeceased them were rather older than I was and had been married for 30 or 40 or 50 years. I just didn't relate to them. So finding this community (and the one that preceded it) meant, and still means, a great deal to me. We've all been where you are now. We understand. Come, read, post as often as you wish.

 

Hugs to you.

 

 

[mbanyard]

Hi Kim,

 

My husband also went suddenly, 3 months ago yesterday. I am also having intense crying sessions with "otherworldly" sounds in there as well.

 

It's hard.

 

he was only 48 and I am only 42....it is WAY TOO YOUNG to be a widow. We were robbed of 40 more happy years together, and not a day goes by that I don't wish that there was a way to make things different.

 

There are only a few things keeping me from following through on the thoughts of joining him in the ever after...and this group of kind people is one of them. Thank you all for understanding.

 

MB

 

 

[Stevesbabyness]

Oh, Kim...I do understand, too, and my heart so hurts for you.

 

I met my husband in 2009, we married in 2011 and in 2013 I lost him to a tragic accident. When the doctors told us the situation in the hospital, I emitted what I've only been able to term "some animalistic noise that I didn't realise humans could make". He was 34, I was 40.

 

It's hard, and it's awful. And at two months, you are still in those awful early days of disbelief and incredible sadness. As perfectly stated above, right now the focus is on survival and "bearing the unbearable". Remember to breathe, and come here often; we all understand.

 

Big hugs to you, hon. It never heals, but it hurts less through time.

[beth_krkswidow]

I had never heard the word "keening" (or at least was not aware of it) until seeing it on this site. I looked it up and realized I had been doing it, involuntarily.  As you, the sounds just erupted from me.

Hugs

[MR]

Hi Kim,

Sorry to see you on this site. Hugs... We all are same spot and grieving in similar manner more or less. I lost my wife in Aug she was 43 and I am 44 and been having some bad days and some worse days but so far not even one day when my eyes were not tired or in pain due to crying but able to control my emotions in front of other people and specially my kids. Take one day or a moment at a time and the time will move little faster. Hoping you are feeling better.

Tx

MR

[beth_krkswidow]

"There are only a few things keeping me from following through on the thoughts of joining him in the ever after...and this group of kind people is one of them. Thank you all for understanding"

 

quote from mbanyard above.

 

So true.  so true.

 

Hugs

[Mcdc10]

Hi Kim,

 

So sorry for your loss.  My husband died 2 1/2 months ago he was 51 and I just turned 43.  It has been one day at a time.  I live in the NYC area too and I'm having difficulty finding a young widows group.  I really wish there was a group in the area. I have a grief counselor, but I think a group will be very helpful. If you find a group in NYC please let me know, however, I wouldn't mind meeting and perhaps sharing stories about our loss when you are ready.  Hugs to you.

[Mikenter]

Kim I can't imagine. My wife passed away 13 days ago at 21, I'll be 24 in January. I'm not even to the point I get hit by the pain train, but this board and the chat has been great resource.

 

I know you've heard it before and I'm sorry, but all you really need to worry about is day by day, moment by moment, take care of yourself. Small steps and little things. Keep his memory alive in this world.

 

Hugs to you Kim, I know we'll all make it through together.

[kimclerner]

Hi everybody,

 

I hope all of you got thru the holiday without too much pain.  Thank you all again for your responses.

Mcdc10 - I'm still looking for a group and will let you know when I've identified one.

 

Hugs to all,

Kim

[Soryashusband]

My wife died in June and I was left a widow at age 50. I compared the crying sounds I made to an injured animal. The only thing I can suggest is to just take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. Don't think too far ahead. This is the hardest thing a person can go through. You are not alone, you have all of us here.We will get through this.

[beth_krkswidow]

I go to a "young" widows grief group at a funetal home. THey have one for over 65 and one for under 65. It is NOT the funeral home I used. It is open to any wodow, npt just to people who used their services. So maybe there are groups like that at funeral homes in your area. NYC has to have something like that. I suggest checking with the bigger funeral homes.