Past coming back to haunt me

[Sugarbell]

Try to be concise here. You "oldies" on here may remember "toxic ex" ...I was actually married to him for five months-absolute lowest point in my life...pills were killing me. Outta control. The whole thing from brief courtship, marriage, divorce was about 18 months. It was my Rock bottom. Don't discuss it much even on here...because I hate validating it and giving it any kind of power over my present life.

 

Spiritual awakening...got clean...rebuilt my life..5 years later still clean and life is amazing. Moved back to hometown...getting established in community, church, working..close to getting permanent teaching job. He's from here too...but when I kicked him out..moved to Columbus and has mooched off his Mommy. He's a bum, an alcoholic, a problem gambler...really he's a piece of shit.

 

Well...past few weeks been getting messages from people..."I didn't know you were married to him..he started dating (said girl) from here and said you are his ex wife. (His 4th ex wife)

 

After dating new lady for a month he's engaged. He's wanting to move back here (into her home of course). her daughter is in school with my sons (she's in between them in grades.. But different crowds of kids).

 

He was posting all over FB Friday (people told me ) "Heading to WV for the weekend"

 

I looked over my shoulder all weekend...didn't want to see him in grocery store, Walmart, etc. actually a fearful feeling. It's my issue. I could care less what he does...(yuck)..but this is a small town...I don't want my kids running into him..I already feel like I am suffocating and paranoid.

 

Any advice? I am keeping my lips sealed and discuss this with NO ONE IRL. But I had worked so hard...and I feel like this dark cloud is coming back in town...and this is arrogant but I am so freaking embarrassed.

[soloact]

Deny, deny, deny.

 

Sorry this is happening. Is it possible to just act as if he is mistaken as to any past involvement with you?

[imissdow]

My ex is bio-dad to the two oldest. I have friends who remember him as my ex. However we have been divorced for 18 years so a lot of my friends don't know him. I'm always embarrassed when people meet him. Then I get questions "you were married to him?" Etc. I hate it. He lives about 5 miles from me. Doesn't drive, works part-time lives off welfare, has very few social skills.  My girls are likewise embarrassed by him. However he is a part of my past. I can't change it. I try to ignore it and him as much as possible. If someone does meet him and ask. I usally just shake my head and mutter, yup, I know not my finest hour, or I was young and dumb or we all make poor choices sometimes or something similar.  I still don't like it but it usally stops the chatter. Really when you admit that it was a poor decision what ammo does that leave someone.  We can all run from our past, sadly it always seems to catch up.

[Portside]

 

. . . .but when I kicked him out..moved to Columbus and has mooched off his Mommy. He's a bum, an alcoholic, a problem gambler...really he's a piece of shit.

 

Any advice? I am keeping my lips sealed and discuss this with NO ONE IRL. But I had worked so hard...and I feel like this dark cloud is coming back in town...and this is arrogant but I am so freaking embarrassed.

 

SB - Well, first things first - you WILL run into him eventually. Rather, he will run into you. He will track you down to see what you are up to. So, be prepared - and prepare your children. As I have said before, the entire, unvarnished truth is not needed. "This is a guy I use to know but he's a bad person so I cut ties with him." Or something like that. Truth but by no means complete.

 

To deny his involvement in your previous life will come back to bite you. As you said, you're in a small town - the truth will eventually find it's way to the surface and you'll look bad for lying about it.

 

We all (well, many of us) have some dark chapters in our life we'd rather not revisit. I understand your apprehension about running into this dirtbag again. But, you will probably be forced into it. So again, my advice is to prepare for it in whatever manner suits you and your family.

 

Face your fears Sweetie. To do so will release you from the cloud always in the back of your mind.

 

Best wishes SB, I'm pulling for you - Mike

 

ps - Columbus? Really, doesn't this town have enough losers already? He could have tried Jackson, Logan or Chillicothe instead.

 

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Oh I know..He would've gone wherever he could find a place to live and Mommy had a house in Columbus. 🙄🙄🙄.

 

I feel bad for the poor lady involved with him but I am saying nothing. I did tell a few people that messages me about being married to him "That was my rock bottom..I was swallowed up in grief, trauma and pills..that's what it would do to you."

 

Actually I am petty open about my former prescription drug abuse after DHs death...so people realize I wasn't in my right mind. I have talked to oldest son.  He was 8 when it ended...toxic ex probably wouldn't recognize him...but he's a good athlete and I know he will hang around sports events.

 

maybe new girl will widen up before he gets the chance to move back. That's my hope. we won't be running in the same circles..but the grocery store, etc is unavoidable. I won't lie...but I will act like I have no clue who he is unless I am forced to address it.

 

Just pisses me off...Why the hell now???? Why did he find a meal ticket now in hometown?? Guess no one in Columbus wanted to support him.😂😜

[Mizpah]

(His 4th ex wife)

 

Easy to say and I know difficult to stomach his possible reentry, but I think anyone with half a brain is going to realize "it's him, not you," that you are classy and responsible.  I have no advice for the aggravation, but keep your head held high. 

[Sugarbell]

I am not worried about people thinking I was the cause of the marriage demise. I don't want anyone knowing I would lower myself to that level to marry that bum.

 

On the flip side (and this is going to sound arrogant but I don't care)--I think he just LOVES telling people that I was his ex wife..I think he thinks it makes him more appealing to new girl and people.

 

But really makes me look like a complete dumbass. I would much rather people know I am a recovering pill addict (that's everywhere here)--than for people to think I was completely rationale and in my right state of mind and still married THAT. This will be #5...I am guessing he will have at least 7 or 8 wives in his lifetime..If he can find anyone.

[Max2507]

"That was my rock bottom..I was swallowed up in grief, trauma and pills..that's what it would do to you."

 

That sounds like you have the perfect response to me. He will likely burn his bridges again and move on to somewhere else.

[mmg19]

Sorry you are dealing with this but just like a fire if it gets no fuel it will die out.  Less said the better.  If you have had no contact with ex. in 5 years, your friends and community are not interested in the bad choice you made 5 yrs. ago.  Truth always surfaces.

 

I'm just sorry someone passed along information that may or may not be true to you.  I find it hurtful that a friend would pass along FB gossip to get in your head.  No comment would be my response to any future person who chooses to divulge information that involves ex. and/or new girlfriend.  The only discussion you need to have is if this affects your children.  They probably remember ex. slightly but what they do feel and remember is the great Mom you are and the security of your choices and love you give them. 

 

Hometown people that know you understand the grief and trauma that you have been through.  This is all about who you are today and your accomplishments. 

 

Blessings

[TofinoMan]

When you run into him, and you likely will.

Just smile, be polite, say life is great, make very brief small talk, and move on.

Be positive.

Its just and ex, most of us have some ex of some sort.

I ran into an ex girlfriend recently, and kept it short and upbeat.

She is a psycho.....best thing to do with a psycho ex is be happy and keep it short.

[SemperFidelis]

She is a psycho.....best thing to do with a psycho ex is be happy and keep it short.

 

Words of wisdom, right there.

[Guest nonesuch]

My Dad tried to make his own first marriage work for far too long. It ended badly, much later than it needed to. 

 

You may or may not be old enough to remember Cher's very short union to one of the Allman brothers.  My sister and I were joking about the seven-day marriage, and one of us said, "Nothing like giving it the old college try."  My dad overheard us and said, "There's nothing wrong with admitting a mistake as soon as you know it."

 

So, as has been said by others, the less said, the better.  If you run into Ex and/or soon-to-be-bride-and-next-ex, don't engage the crazy. 

[Sugarbell]

I think what it is....he left never to be seen or heard from again...it was easier to block that part of my life out when I was getting clean and pulling myself outta the pit.

 

He was a loser ass....but more than that I now loathe the person I was during that time of my life. I literally buried her...as I was rebuilding and fighting for my life. I forgive her..just didn't realize how being reminded would throw me.

 

But I am strong now...I gotta deal with this...if I see him I will speak and move on..No need to hate or feel ashamed. He's a bum he was going to come back here eventually.

 

I didn't want to think of who I was THEN...all I thought about was what I envisioned myself to be clean.

 

I just psychoanalyzed myself. 😎...Thanks for being my sounding board.💜

[mmg19]

SB  Looks like you figured it out all by yourself.  Best kind of learning.  Time to move forward on your goals and let sleeping dogs lie.  Best Wishes

[Bear Tomás]

I'm so glad your "bad boy" days are over, D. 

[arneal]

Sugar - first, great job and good for you, turning things around for you and your children. Since you are in a small town and hearing about him, chances are solid he's heard about you too. That means you get to show off how fabulous you are. Keep your head up and has been said, prepare yourself and your children for the inevitable run-into. Keep it light and always have the 'Hey, wish you the best -- gotta run' handy.

 

You mention being embarrassed. Don't be. In the Bible is mentioned the sea of forgetfulness; you'd be surprised how large that sucker is. My LH used to do drugs and had a period where he was really out there. Lived in a small town. He cleaned himself up, got a union job, ended up on various local boards of directors, and had been written up with accolades in the paper. When we started dating, my mother went to a woman she knew and tried to throw shade about him. The woman read my mom up and down, telling her what a great guy and upstanding and important member of the community he was. People cried when we moved out of the town to come west and it was genuine; a few said those city offices would never survive without him.

 

Your life changes mean more than you realize. Live in the now, not in the past. Don't give it power, as you said. You got this. We look forward to your 'You all will never guess what happened' funny story about how you rocked this!  :-*

[Sugarbell]

I'm so glad your "bad boy" days are over, D. 

 

 

 

Oh yeah I had some real winners those first few years Barn. Only those real oldies would remember. They were all train wrecks (so was I ) but marrying toxic ex (after chugging a bottle of codeine cough syrup before going before the judge) was the MAC Daddy of loserville. Passive suicide and total self destruction.

 

Damn.

 

I remember Raymond💙(Rip) publicly making fun of toxic ex before during and after that brief marriage.

Ray would actually message this dude and tell him what a fruit loop he was. He nicknamed him "Rocket Man".

 

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

Sugar - first, great job and good for you, turning things around for you and your children. Since you are in a small town and hearing about him, chances are solid he's heard about you too. That means you get to show off how fabulous you are. Keep your head up and has been said, prepare yourself and your children for the inevitable run-into. Keep it light and always have the 'Hey, wish you the best -- gotta run' handy.

 

You mention being embarrassed. Don't be. In the Bible is mentioned the sea of forgetfulness; you'd be surprised how large that sucker is. My LH used to do drugs and had a period where he was really out there. Lived in a small town. He cleaned himself up, got a union job, ended up on various local boards of directors, and had been written up with accolades in the paper. When we started dating, my mother went to a woman she knew and tried to throw shade about him. The woman read my mom up and down, telling her what a great guy and upstanding and important member of the community he was. People cried when we moved out of the town to come west and it was genuine; a few said those city offices would never survive without him.

 

Your life changes mean more than you realize. Live in the now, not in the past. Don't give it power, as you said. You got this. We look forward to your 'You all will never guess what happened' funny story about how you rocked this!  :-*

 

Thank you Arneal. I needed to hear that.😊.

 

Besides when marriage number 5 blows up (if it gets to marriage) it will be full of drama and a huge mess. They are both bar flies and love to drink...so that will definitely be more interesting than my calm boring domestic life now with my kids.

[arneal]

Right? It will be quite the lesson for your kids about what not to do ... sigh. I look back sometimes and say I really wish I hadn't learned that particular lesson (specifically the abusive first marriage), but then I realize I wouldn't be who I am today without it sometimes that is scarier, especially when I see people who have no clue about tough times and real life.