What do I want , really really want? online dating related

[klim]

What do I want , really really want?

 

ok does anybody else have trouble with this question .

 

I've been out on 3 meet and greets this week

 

man #1 goodlooking pleasant , mellow ....said he'd do anything to make me happy, longterm responsible factory worker

man #2 rugged but goodlooking , amazing storyteller, lived on a boat last summer ,wants to sail in retirement, truck mechanic

man #3 tall goodlooking ( yes I found some tall ones) dutchman, entrepenuer,highly excitable take charge type guy...makes an awsome living.

 

Initial reactions.......was swept off my feet by #3, thought #2 was intriguing and #1 I thought was too much of a marshmallow..

 

but what do I want ....really what do I want .....I have no friggin clue....

.If I'm practical #1 could be dream...nice and stable, loving.

#2 could be an adventure I hadn't considered before....maybe I do want to sail.....but is that too crazy....is he too rough around the edges

#3 this guy is high energy..... could I keep up, would I want to

 

and I look on line and I see other possibilities.....someones got a hobby farm,one wants to open a bed and breakfast...all these sound like interesting fantasies....that could become reality.

 

 

Or do I just what to find exactly what I had and not reinvent my life?

[First Widow]

Absolutely! I haven't gotten beyond the window-shopping phase of online dating yet, but I still ponder the same questions as I try to imagine anyone being a part of my future.  Most of the time I come to the conclusion that I need to reinvent my life first, and then I'll be ready to go beyond window-shopping.

 

Good luck to you.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Pick the one with the least amount of money, the one with no future goals, and you'll be happy the rest of your life.

[RobFTC]

Initial reactions.......was swept off my feet by #3, thought #2 was intriguing and #1 I thought was too much of a marshmallow..

 

#1 who said he'd do anything to make you happy is the one you should drop first, that's a red flag.  The other two might be worth some time.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Mrskro]

Hey Klim;

 

First off congrats on the meet and greats.  I'm not sure I could muster up the energy to go on three in one week. Good for you!

 

I'm struggling with this too, I've taken down my profiles because frankly I just don't know what I want.  I'm not sure how to re-invent myself in my 40's or if I even want to.

 

It seemed so much easier in my 20's to look toward the future and make those 5 year, 10 year plans.  Now it's my least favorite question.  Where will you be in 5 years?  Part of my problem, I think, is if (and it's a big if) I meet someone new now, won't any of my plans change anyway, in order to adapt to what they want and need. 

[trying2breathe]

klim  I feel the same, have no clue what I want.  As long as there's nothing that's a dealbreaker for me, I'm giving it a chance to get to know several guys better.  And I'm finding that what's on the surface isn't always what's under the hood! 

[StillWidowed]

Whoa....it's only a meet and greet.  Slow down there a little. These guys may not even be around in a week.  Online dating has a way of working like that.

 

If you do end up dating one, two or all three, take your time and let the other person unfold.  It takes time to get to know someone and it may wind up that the weeding will take care of itself.

[sojourner]

Oh, oh, oh- send me the hobby farm guy!  (Kidding!  ;D)  LH and I had a little tiny acreage, and I loved it, but had to give it up after he died. I miss my old life.

 

I don't feel that a person necessarily needs to recreate oneself. My feeling is that I just need to finish getting back in touch with who I really am myself, after having been melded into a couple and being a mom for over a quarter of a century. (Boy, writing that sure makes me feel old, ha!) At 2 1/2 years out, I feel like I'm almost ready to think about dating.  However, some of my close family are going through serious health problems, and I don't think I have the energy to spare on dating, and to finish uncovering who I am now.

 

Oh, and I'm with eliminating guy #1. Promising to do anything to make you happy seems a tad much upon first meeting!  ???

 

Congrats on getting out there and meeting new people!

[klim]

oh totally agree relationships take time.... not jumping to any conclusions but you do have to decide after a meetngreet whether you want a second date.

 

I agree to meetn'greets very easily....there's a very minimal criteria to get that far(you never know)

 

....it's  getting to the second date, that is when I start my deeper thinking. All 3 wanted to see me again that is when I started with the "what do I want" pondering! I could say yes to all 3 but I don't have that type of abilities to entertain the thought of  dates with different guys ....and keep kids, work and friends also under control.

 

[imissdow]

I did a meet the other day. Agreed that for the a meet the requirements are few. For me they need to have a job, and I need to feel that I will be safe and that I can actually talk to them.  I actually don't consider that even a date. The goal of a meet is to decide if you like each other enough to want to spend several hours with them. I will agree on up to 3 dates before I start figuring out if this is someone I can see myself with long term.  My criteria prior to that is is this a person I would like as a friend/ wold be comfortable having my kids around. Not that they meet my kids but rather are they the type I could.  I've found for me the first question is do I like them enough to see if we have common goals/ values and can enjoy enough to want to see each other more. After about 2 months I start asking myself if I can see a future with guy in question. Most guys don't make it to this point.

I also would lose guy #1.  Go on a date with 2&3, you might just find that you don't even need to think about it.

I've discovered that what I think I want doesn't necessarily translate into a good fit for me. It's more about personality then  What type of job they have or What  activities they enjoy.

[momtokam]

At least you are getting to the meet stage better than I am! More about that on another post.

 

Sometimes I think it will depend on the person we are meeting.

Perhaps what you want will become more evident once you get to know someone more and start to like them more. I try to keep myself open to that. I am hoping the right connection and the right person will guide where my future will go.

 

If potential is there, see a few of them again and go from there!

 

I obviously am no expert here though. My track record has proven that! :-D

Maybe I'll take more guidance from you!

[klim]

Still confused what I want....

 

I'm seeing a guy that is into me...he is courting me ( to use an old fashioned term) or at least that's the way it feels.

 

I enjoy myself any time we go out.....I like the attention I like holding hands and the compliments. I'm intrigued with his life as he's in a business that I don't know alot about and find interesting.

 

I don't see any obvious redflags but right now  I'm not head over heels into him.....

 

Is okay to go with the flow and see what happens....

 

I've been upfront ever time he has professed his attraction for me I say I'm not there yet and he has to give me time.....

 

[Guest oneoftwo]

Pick the one with the least amount of money, the one with no future goals, and you'll be happy the rest of your life.

 

This is probably the best advice I've seen in a really long time- and it worked my first time, like a charm.

Really it did. We just relied on each other and it was great

[Mrskro]

I don't think you need to be head over heels.  You've been honest and I see it as he's ok with that too.  Enjoy the ride !  My best relationships came out of going with the flow.  I didn't ever know it at the time but that's what they were.   

 

 

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Same here, 1of2. When I met my wife, she made 3x what I did. Later, after having two children, she gave up her job, to raise them. It meant me working 2 others. Although it had it's hardships, I wouldn't have traded it, for all the money in Fort Knox.

[trying2breathe]

Agreeing with the others to go with the flow and see what happens.  I'm starting to wonder whether I'm capable of feeling head over heels about anybody.  Maybe with age and experience comes a certain jaded-ness that prevents that starry-eyed feeling?  I certainly wish that I could feel like a teenager in love, not sure that this happens for everybody. 

 

 

Are you willing to give the other two guys a chance and see what happens?

[SemperFidelis]

Initial reactions.......was swept off my feet by #3, thought #2 was intriguing and #1 I thought was too much of a marshmallow..

 

#1 who said he'd do anything to make you happy is the one you should drop first, that's a red flag.  The other two might be worth some time.

 

Take care,

Rob T

 

Rob that's funny, you caught that too. I had the same thought but I wondered if maybe I was being too cynical especially after dating a pathological liar who used the same line....it just sounded like too familiar of a tune.

[Captains wife]

This post raises some VERY good questions. I'm not on the dating scene right now (as I'm dating someone) but was online dating for 4 years - and I struggled with similar questions. I think I knew, however, that while I loved some qualities about my LH, I didn't want to re-live the life I had with him in some ways. I actually spent some time dating many different types of guys to see what I might be open to - I tended to be attracted to a certain "type" but they all turned out to be real a**holes so I opened up to dating guys that weren't my usual type. It was an interesting "experiment". After a bad break up with one guy, too, I made a list of the qualities I was looking for and that helped.

 

So here is what I found (and hopefully this will help) - chemistry for me was very important and high on my list and that cant be forced (I wanted to like certain guys more than I did, and I couldn't get there) and there was a certain feeling I would get when I met a guy who I definitely wanted to spend more time with (a feeling of compatibility, no red flags, feeling comfortable with him right away, and I would really look forward to seeing him again). When I tried to "force it" to like them more, it just didn't work for me - even if they had a lot of great qualities and the feelings I wanted to grow over time just didn't. (This became very clear with a guy I tried to date this past summer). I also found that guys who were genuine and very caring were much more attractive to me than the "good on paper" guys. I also have a young son to consider - so I found I was much more attracted to men who were good with children and I could tell would embrace my situation.

 

I think part of this Ch 2 process is figuring out what you really want in your next relationship - but I also think that becoming a young widow changed me (changed all of us!) so the qualities that are attractive to me have changed somewhat. And lets face it, at this point in our lives, dating is SO different than the first time around.

 

HOWEVER, in the end, I also found that I haven't veered that far from my old "type" - interestingly, the guy I am happily dating now has certain nurturing and family qualities very similar to my husband (although has a number of differences too which I am thankful for). And after dating MANY men (no judgement lol) this was the first man that I met where I really felt something and a connection too, very early on. I honestly thought it would never happen but meeting this man has felt so much better and different than the many men I have dated in Ch 2. There was instant chemistry, a comfortable feeling, a feeling of really wanting to spend time and get to know this person - not the uncertainty, distrust, disinterest I normally had. And unlike the men I have dated before, there was a mutual interest in getting off Match quickly for both of us - so we could get to know each other and see where this might go...there was no games this time, and that wasn't the case with most other men. Who knows what will happen - but I guess my point is that I could tell early on that this situation was different and the choice was easy.

 

I wish you all the best with your dating path - and have fun !!

[MrsDan]

 

I also found that guys who were genuine and very caring were much more attractive to me than the "good on paper" guys.

 

THIS!!!!!!!! When I met my boyfriend I wouldn't say it was oh yes this is the one but I did notice how so very genuinely nice he seemed. He made little gestures that were not at all forced and he was very easy to talk to. It really struck me; I mean I dated others that were nice enough, meaning they weren't unkind or anything like that. But nothing like N. And I made the conscious decision to prioritize that above all else. So we kept seeing each other, and found myself more and more attracted to him. Because I realized he had more of the qualities I find attractive than I realized at our first couple meetings. He's incredibly funny and smart, for example and I really didn't see how much very early on. He was nice, and we were a super high ethics match, and I decided to see where that would lead. And now, I mean the attraction is absolutely explosive. I'm not saying that is what will happen with you and this guy. I'm just saying I am so glad I gave this room and time, because the rewards have been amazing.

[klim]

one of the things that made me fall in love with dh is he loved me......we always joked that he loved me before we even started dating...and it really did seem that way.I lacked confidence and I didn't believe that a guy as good as my dh could love me so it took me a while to come around but part of why I loved him is cause he loved me first.

 

I'm more confident now, guy #3 is haed over heels about me...in love with me at first sight....it feels good but this time I dont know whethers its enough because I don't need it as bad.

 

The other part of this is I'm enjoying the attention, but right now I think I'd enjoy attention from almost anybody...and that's hard to figure out.

 

Sorry I maybe rambling but this is where I go to hear peoples experiences and opinions

 

[MR]

Best wishes from all of us.

[momtokam]

Klim,

 

How did your other relationship post wid, compare to all this? Is it a factor at all in how you are feeling now?

[klim]

momtokam....yes I'm sure I'm comparing.... My other post wid relationship seemed natural, where this one seems fantastical.

Meaning it's interesting and exciting but it doesn't seem normal or relaxed.  I'm not used to being wined and dined. I'm trying to give it time to see if I will  adapt...I was a little more relaxed on Saturday.....

[momtokam]

It sounds like you feel he's out of your normal comfort zone. It's good that you are relaxing more and getting used to it a bit though. Enjoy and see what happens.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

    I certainly wish that I could feel like a teenager in love, not sure that this happens for everybody. 

 

I don't feel jaded. I don't think I miss the teenager in love feeling, maybe because I was a pretty unhappy teen. When you're very young and new to relationships, you're looking to the future and the losses that inevitably come haven't tempered you yet.  Sometimes part of the excitement is the uncertainty, and Current Beau was always asking when we'd see one another again. There really wasn't any uncertainty. Maybe part of it was being guarded, because LH was an alcoholic.  I wanted to be sure, really, really sure, I didn't go down that path again, and so went into dating with my eyes wide open.  Maybe because I had sustained a marriage, I had a better idea of the effort needed.