Over life

[Jack]

Hi

Not really a forum person I just don't know who to talk to lost my beautiful wife in dec. we have 5 kids between us and they are the only reason I'm still here

So second marriage and I had finally found my angel we had the greatest relationship I have ever seen or heard about no fights no harsh words just pure love

We had both had terrible first marriages and now life was perfect most people talk this way after people pass but our love was the real thing cliche and all only 6 1/2 years together but the greasy of the forty I have been here we battled through her lung problem which affects the heart and believed we were winning the battle she had been so well and we dreamed of being old,grand children and self sufficiency on our farm

On the night I lost her we were at a school function our second eldest finishing primary school when her heart decided it was not going to do one more beat

I had just popped out for a cigarette when people came running for me I made it back in for her last moments of life before she was gone I knew she was gone could just tell my baby was no longer there but we tried anyhow doing cpr trying the defibrillator for over an hour the courses you do don't really prepare you for doing this to a person and definitely not your beautiful angel how there can be vomit that you find yourself digging out of her mouth while others do the compressions and you make sure she is ok when you do your next breath knowing blowing vomit into her already sick lungs is a bad thing but you have to get the breaths in

Ambulance finally arrives and you watch helplessly will they try everything they can and still keep trying all the way to hospital till they shuffle you into a room while they are still working on her then you go back out because you can't stay in there anymore and see they have stopped I at say have you stopped they tell me no just doing some checkes and shuffle you away not long till I get the news my beautiful wife is gone I sit long enough that she is going a blue black colour and going cold a small dribble of blood coming out from her mouth from the stuff they have done I wipe it and keep kissing her and touching her hair till I finally leave and go home that was the worst day of my life everyday since is worse viewing,pall bearing and yet you would think that it can't get any worse it does I have no idea how to stay in this world but we have babies so I have to

Sorry to put my stuff on other people just didn't know who to talk to

[Portside]

Hey Jack - yeah, this all blows.

 

Try to hang in there buddy.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[beth_krkswidow]

So sorry, Jack.

So sorry

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry. I too had a pretty blissful situation, and read a quote early on that gave me some shred of comfort: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." Or, "The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."

[beth_krkswidow]

I keep telling myself that he's worth the pain.  If the love hadn't been so great, the pain wouldn't be so unbearable.  I still do not know how people survive this.

[Julester3]

You don't have to be a forum person to be here but you were brave to lay yourself open here and share your experience. We are here for you. We know how it feels and how you can't understand why this is happening because we have all experienced it.

 

Hang in there. Hugs for you.

[JP]

I don't know how people survive this either. It's been 7 weeks for me and every second day I contemplate going to 'be with him'.

[Jack]

Thx for reading you are probably the only people that have close to an idea what it's like in 2 days 23 hours and 55 minutes it will be 5 weeks

 

[HCE]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jack. I lost my gorgeous wife in November, and I get what you're going through. I wish I didn't, but I do.

 

You say your relationship with your wife was the greatest relationship you'd ever seen or heard of. That's an incredible thing to have experienced in life, and one that is not given to many people. No one can take that away from you, and it'll be a source of wonder and joy for the rest of your life, even amongst the pain of knowing you might have grown old together.

 

When my wife was alive I had to pinch myself every day to make sure our blissful life wasn't just a dream. And every day since she died, even amidst oceans of tears, I give thanks for how lucky I was to have shared my life with this beautiful, kind, gentle woman for so many years. I won't forget that, even on the days when I'm sick of being alive.

[Indira]

Jack,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all here know what you are feeling. I can understand not being able to talk to other people, have you searched for grief counseling in your area? I know its hard but I do believe it will help. if anything to get it off your chest.

 

You can always post here, we don't judge, we all know there is great pain when losing a loved one.

 

hugs to you and your babies. Be strong, if not for you, for them.

[born to run]

Jack, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a privilege to read your words about your love. And "putting your stuff out there" takes guts. The vulnerability we all share is so important, don't ever apologize. 

 

So here's my unsolicited two cents... I agree with the similar sentiments... the pain has got to be so bad because that's how good the love was.  That has to be the reason.  That's all that I can get my brain around... this sucks SO much BECAUSE it was THAT good.  And also, I read somewhere "You didn't hide your love, so don't hide your grief."  I've taken so many of these short simple pearls of wisdom and just marinate on them and repeat them to myself... it helps.  They're not just platitudes when they come from people who get it.

 

Keep swimming, just keep doing and moving and the grip of pain and terror does loosen it's grip ever so slightly eventually so that you can breathe for a minute.  I don't know how anyone survives this either, but apparently they do, and we will, too.  We have to. 

[born to run]

I don't know how people survive this either. It's been 7 weeks for me and every second day I contemplate going to 'be with him'.

 

I thought that's all I wanted until I had a panic attack a few weeks ago at just over 13 weeks... it was the first moment in weeks of hating my life without him that I realized I actually did not want to die. I still don't know how anybody survives this, but I know that I want to find out. 

 

I'm sorry for your loss, just so sorry... xo

[lostwholesoul]

Jack,

I don't know if you're still reading this. I just recently found this site. Lost my wife 6 mos, 8 days ago. Not big on forum's either, but am finding this is, well I'm not sure what it is, but it's something to know that there is a group of people that really get what this feels like. The platitudes are shit and most time I fight the urge to say their good intentions are in fact shit, but realize they just don't get it.... "Just need to move on/forward", "she would want you to be....." I just despise these things. I'm not canonizing my wife, but she was the most incredible person and she saved me. Ok, maybe I am immortalizing her. I was the asshole and she was a saint. Well other than her backseat driving suggestions that drove me nuts (God, how I wished I could here her "correcting" me while driving......).  We had plans of growing old and living life. So, I wish I could offer some pearl of wisdom, but quite frankly I am over life too. I hate this new reality. I hate this person I supposedly must rediscover. I loved my wife, my life, being married. I see how I have evolved from the first day and it is one tiny inch and one tiny breath at a time. Yet, here I am still not wanting to do life without her. I have a family. I have an incredible family that truly loves me. They are very supportive,  pure love, and the last things to keep me "connected" since they are a part of my wife. I know I need to be there for them too. I'm not suicidal, but rationally think that I should be with my wife more than here. I mean if we are truly soulmates (don't care if it's overused, we were it to one another) then what good am I doing without her? We were always stronger and better together. I used to call us wonder-twins (powers activate). It was a dumb cartoon way back in the day, but the idea was together we were so much better (minus the actual sister/brother thing, which led to another crass joke I would say to her) than apart. We just did everything together. So, what the hell can I do that is worthwhile here without the love of my life? Yeah, I can love my family and be there for them, but what am I really doing here........

I am not helping your cause whatsoever..... Guess, just letting you know you're not nuts in thinking what you are thinking. Though, I think I am bat-shit crazy most days........