For those in budding relationships ...

[trying2breathe]

Needy  So good that intros are going well, exciting time for you all!  It's funny how as parents we stress about our kids behavior and reactions and oftentimes things go better than we expected.

 

Back from a long week of travel, dropped off DD at college and she's happily settled and doing well so far.  NG flew to meet me in a city half-way home and we road tripped 2 days back together. He's a nice travel companion, we enjoyed sightseeing and stayed last night at a romantic bed & breakfast.  Something is missing though - I'm attracted to him but not feeling the spark of romance.  It's starting to feel like a friends with benefits relationship, not sure if I'm unrealistic in expectation of how a relationship is supposed to be but want more and am trying to figure out what that really means.  Maybe this is the best that it gets?  He's talking about celebrating our fall birthdays together and I'm sad thinking that far ahead about it.  I need to have a conversation with him and don't know how to start it.

[arneal]

Something is missing though - I'm attracted to him but not feeling the spark of romance.  It's starting to feel like a friends with benefits relationship, not sure if I'm unrealistic in expectation of how a relationship is supposed to be but want more and am trying to figure out what that really means.  Maybe this is the best that it gets?  He's talking about celebrating our fall birthdays together and I'm sad thinking that far ahead about it.  I need to have a conversation with him and don't know how to start it.

 

trying2: what got me in your post is that you are sad thinking about celebrating your birthdays ... It seems like there is certainly something going on in your heart that needs sussing out. As far as romance is concerned, I would think that depends on how you define it. You mentioned that the two of you stayed at a 'romantic bed & breakfast' yet there seems no spark. What is 'romantic' for you? What is romantic for NG? I read somewhere that one way to draw closer to someone is to mirror what they do ... if for example  if you like to be held close when you kiss, hold him close. The idea is that eventually, you will find a place of sync and if you do to him what you like done, he will do it back. It's not foolproof but I would say there's something to it if just saying what you want seems not the way to go about it. I often find 'doing' works better than saying ... kind of like show and tell for grown folks  ??? But it all boils down to whether you want to share your romantic heart with him and only you can know that. Hugs, darlin!

[klim]

Trying2 I totally get you. I vacationed this summer with NG and it was very pleasant, and there was some intimacy but we're in my view we're just not connecting on all levels. In his view he just wants to be with me because he loves me. He says love conquers all. I disagree if there are incompatible issues, someone is going to have to change and really I'm not sure I want to change , or change him. I want a match that is more natural.

I'm struggling at the moment and yes it has to do with I don't think he's right for me but close) but i don't want to be alone and also because he is so in to me i don't know how to approach it........and I've been fluctuating back and forth for a while so who knows tomorrow I may feel different.

 

This is not easy.

[arneal]

klim -- interesting points you make here. I guess I don't understand the 'connecting on all levels' or 'a match that is more natural' part of your post. I am quite literal in many ways so do forgive me: I don't see how people could possibly 'connect on all levels' because we are all different, with different ways of seeing the world. There will always be some level of incompatibility as even identical twins are not fully compatible ... such incompatibility could range from not agreeing on which way to hang the toilet paper roll, anger over the seat up or down, leaving dishes in the drainer or drying and putting away all the way to sexual wants/fantasies/willingness to try things to differences in final wishes. If the two of you were drawn to each other, isn't that something of a 'natural' match? It seems if NG is into you, that talking about the things you like and don't like should be easier to discuss?

 

However, getting a sense of the deal-breakers in my view comes pretty early, before intimacy. I guess on some of those things, I am very clear on what I am looking for. I remember one time before we were ever intimate, I told NG how I had regretted in some ways that I had not had a child when I was with my second husband. He said he didn't want more children and I clarified that I didn't either but that it was something that I had thought about when I was younger.

 

That said, I struggle with getting across that I would like our relationship to deepen because I feel, when I step back and look at the whole thing logically, I am rushing. I have taken small, bold steps though. Like when NG was here last Sunday -- as he was leaving, I told him I need cuddle time (we were at my curb and he had his bike running so I was talking loud to be heard, so saying I wanted ... you know ... would not have come across very well), which is something I would never say LOL. He said him too and that I probably could have stayed the night before (I try not to push that when his daughter is home though) but that we would have a stay the night soon. We have been more communicative than before, so I know things are moving.

 

I guess where you (klim and trying2) are looking to cool things down a bit maybe, I'm looking to turn the burner up

 

No, this isn't easy, any way you look at it. Let us keep pressing forward though to get what we need, want, and deserve!

[trying2breathe]

I'm struggling at the moment and yes it has to do with I don't think he's right for me but close) but i don't want to be alone and also because he is so in to me i don't know how to approach it........and I've been fluctuating back and forth for a while so who knows tomorrow I may feel different.

Yup, this ^  I'm afraid to break things off with my guy because I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable in what I want or what a romantic relationship should look like at this point in my life.  He's divorced x2 and as a widow, naturally there's lots of life experience between us and for me the magic just isn't there.  There's a sense of cynicism in our relationship, a "been there-done that" attitude that I feel from him. Is it possible to have some romantic magic at this stage in life?  And is it reasonable to want some magic?  I agree with arneal that a connection on all levels would be difficult, but certainly it's reasonable to expect a deep connection of some kind. 

 

I like the mirroring idea, arneal, and will try this.  Glad that things are moving along for you, and that there's more communication 

 

Happy Weekend All ~

[arneal]

Yes, oh yes to magic! But how you define it is the thing. If your guy isn't a magic sort and is more concrete, meat and taters, well, what do you do? Can you live with that? If not, there's your answer. Going out there and making sure 'magic' is somehow part of your criteria will be mandatory. Defining it once you meet that guy who you thing will make the grade is certainly mandatory.

 

It all boils down to, at any age or point in life, what is magic? Does the definition or parameter change over time? Is it like amusement rides -- when I was younger I thought roller coasters were great, to a certain extent. The first husband made me get on this ride once and I thought I would die; I haven't really been on any such thrill rides since. While I think roller coasters and the like are neat, I think such from a distance. Does the way we see magic the same, in that it changes due to experience or age or time?

 

I think I shared this, either on this thread or somewhere else, but I gave my NG coupons as one of his Christmas gifts; I included some that were a bit closer to NR than G in the rating scheme It's been almost nine months since I gave him those and he still hasn't dipped into more than a few of them. When he read the one about engaging in a fantasy, he replied that his were pretty tame but never elaborated. In truth so are mine, but I wanted to share that intimacy. I think when it comes to such things, he is more meat and taters. And that's okay with me. I've never been one for fireworks, so if we never do anything wild and crazy in that department but continue to grow more comfortable with each other as time goes by, I'm good.

 

Maybe that's what klim meant by someone needing to change, which is in my book, part of growth. Now if it's a matter of compromise where one person cuts him or herself off from how they truly feel to stay with someone else, that is problematic.

[klim]

ok I'll elaborate with the not on all levels.

While early dating was nights out at restaurants or dinner at someones house and a movie. Attention was new and appreciated. Him saying he didn't want to leave seemed sweet and endearing.

But I've learned he never wants to go home( or if I'm at his place he doesn't want me to leave) or even transition from one activity to the next is difficult. While on vacation , I was pushing for every transition.  He liked to just sit together, never was ready to move to the next thing. He clings, in every aspect.

 

It's nice to feel wanted but there is part of him that doesn't understand that there is a part of my life that I have to deal with, without him. My house,my sons. He says in words that he understands but I don't think he really does.

Take for instant, this past weekend, we went camping for 3 days, Had pretty good time as it was his first time camping and I was showing him all sorts of new things.. We get back to my place around 9 at night, we unloaded the car, and I give a good hug and kiss goodnight, thank him for a good time......he continues to hug me and I say something like Ok I gotta go and  he quickly , in a pissy manner says ok bye. He didn't show any appreciation for the weekend, just aggrevation from having to leave.

 

To me that means we have a disconnect. I had hoped when it first surfaced as a problem that if we discussed it that things would change....or that over time the intensity would wain. It hasn't.

 

So I go between "this  relationship needs to be over " when I think of all this to ...."maybe it'll get better" when I think of the fun we have when we are doing things together.

 

Like I said this isn't easy.

[arneal]

Thanks klim - ugh, clingy. That is a whole different animal and totally makes sense, the disconnect makes total sense. That would freak me completely out. So sorry  :'(

[tybec]

It is just hard.  Hot then cold. Or warm then cool.  It is so complicated if you coupled up young and "naive" and now the many facets of remarriage, recoupling, kids, loss.  NG and I are having conversations.  I have talked about what are some things that are acceptable and not, and what I want.  I have been open about accepting it is what it is.  I have shared I will remove myself if I cannot be supportive of his quest for his children.  I have shared about I will not wait for years either. It is wonderful then not, and then everything and then all questionable. 

 

I am old enough now to not just have romantic notions.  Love is not enough contrary to the songs that say otherwise. I admire those that remarry or commit to long term.  You figure out somehow to not overthink it all, I guess.  Working on that.

[jgib]

I am not in a new relationship, so I suppose what my thoughts are may not have as much weight as others that are living it at the moment may have.

 

I am the type of person that is happy to compromise but not settle.  I know clingy and needy doesn't work for me as I am very independent and would just end up hurting a person like that, and I have no desire to hurt anyone.

 

My advice to both klim and trying2 is go back and read the things you have written.  This time, do not see them as your own words, but as words a friend or daughter may have written.  What advice would YOU give to someone you cared deeply about, that was in this situation?  Do you see how that might change things.

 

Good luck to you both.  I know what I would do, I believe that is irrelevant.  We all find our own path, it is nice to have some support along the way!

[trying2breathe]

klim  Sounds like your NG wants to live together?  He's acting in an immature way, that would be difficult.  Sorry that you're dealing with this.  No easy answer - maybe it's something that with time, can be worked through?  Like you, I really enjoy  time with NG, but switch from yes it's good to it's time to move on.

 

tybec  Having conversations about what is acceptable, a good idea.  Looking back at pre-marriage dating and my marriage, I had many of the same struggles that I feel now, but now is much more complicated with kids, grief, divorce, in-laws, etc.  I'm realizing that my wants and desires are not so easy to figure out.

 

Now if it's a matter of compromise where one person cuts him or herself off from how they truly feel to stay with someone else, that is problematic.

 

^^ Yes!!

arneal  Yup, my guy is the concrete, meat & taters type. He's methodical, thinks everything through, has an answer to most everything and if he doesn't, works hard to find out.  Widowhood has pushed me into being more of an intuitive, spontaneous, feel the moment, oh well - let it go, kind of a person.  Last night he was griping about the fact that the grill in his complex doesn't heat to over 400 degrees.  He went on and on about it - I started to laugh because, really, what's the big deal??!!  (Apparently it is a BIG deal if you're trying to grill steaks.)  :  Today he's taking the grill apart to try and repair it.  I appreciate the practicality of my guy, I'm seeing some humor in this but it is hard at times to feel the magic.  We've been out at dinner, and he has pointed out the intricate links in my bracelet, and talked at length about the details of my car and what I should do to maintain it.  Ahhhh.....feel the magic!    If I get him to repair my grill, maybe I would feel some magic? ;D  Having somebody around to fix things is certainly acceptable, what I'm not sure about is whether I can forego romantic notions which for me still need some definition.

 

jgib  I like the suggestion about reading from another perspective, will give this a break and go back and read again

 

[arneal]

jgib -- you make a good point about how long we've been at this thing called a budding relationship  We all have to take the road at our individual paces, don't we? I was just joking with the (30-yo) daughter of one of my dearest friends who moved back to the northeast last year and yesterday was talking about how she was waiting for 'her man' so they could go out. I made a comment about how it seemed sort of quick that she was laying claim to someone (and left a reminder that he is his own man, no human ownership, especially if there's no ring on it  ;D). I added that it was a comment from an ol' lady as well  I feel that my situation is very much still budding because if I were to line up all the days back-to-back that NG and I have spent together over the last year and several months, we would have only been dating for maybe three months. It helped me put into perspective that while we have shared a lot of ourselves with each other, it is evolving and we are learning.

 

tybec -- I was very much young and stupid my first go round, which is probably what kept me in an abusive situation. I am grateful for my second marriage because it helped me get rid of the hard edges and come to a place where I could begin to explore the notion of romance; I don't know how LH put up with me or what he saw in me because I was VERY meat and taters. The first time I showed him my apartment, I let him in the front door, up the steps (it was a second floor unit), stood in the dining room and pointed to what rooms were where, and ushered him out the door. He asked later why I did that: I said that I agreed to 'show' him my apartment, which I did. Further, it was a first actual date and I was unsure of whether he was an ax murderer or not. We laughed about it and to hear him tell the story, of how he nearly got whiplash from how fast I got him out the door, was priceless. But he never gave up and I am grateful for his lessons because they have enabled me to get a sense of what I would like moving forward as a single woman.

 

trying2 -- while I and my NG are meat and taters sorts, I get where you are coming from. I get caught up every now and again, describing something like a movie I watched and he just looks at me and cracks a joke about now he won't have to watch it or whatever. But when it comes to romance, I am trying to figure out what that means and what is acceptable to me. It goes back to the mirroring comment: if we can't show what is romantic, I don't think we'll get it back. I have tried the outward appearance thing: I am no supermodel (or even an average model  ) so sexy undergarments or nighties are not part of my repertoire but I've found several that I think are nice and that I am comfortable in.

 

I'm realizing that my wants and desires are not so easy to figure out.

Yes, trying2, this!

 

I am still trying to get a handle on that myself. What it seems to boil down to is what makes you comfortable in your own skin? Can your NG handle that and does it make him want to draw closer, or does he not notice your attempts to be outwardly romantic? Do you like mushy cards at Valentine's Day or your birthday or just whenever? I tried that as well, sort of. I gave my NG a card at Valentine's and then another at his birthday with his gift; neither were especially mushy but I thought the sentiments were heartfelt. He seemed surprised at the Valentine's one and genuinely touched at the birthday one, which he read out loud, put up in his room for about a month or so (can't remember if it's still there ... now I will have to try to remember to look the next time I am there  ), and said he couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten a card or gift for his birthday. Even the first husband and I would give cards for special occasions, so that really hit me. I think because he's never had anyone give those little things, he isn't sure of his desires either. We have had those (me) 'what do you want to do?'/(him) 'well what do you wanna do?' sorts of conversations more than once above different things, so as I write this, I think I just hit on something ...

 

If our various NGs are not clear on what they want when it comes to wants and desires, and we aren't sure of exactly what we want or desire either, it will be a bit of a cloudy area, won't it?

 

Sigh.

[Sugarbell]

Kids, families, previous lives, crazy exs make this stuff hard.

 

Loving NG isn't hard...it's easy... It's meshing all the other stuff that's hard.

 

I'm a WV girl...but growing up loved the outdoors but wasn't country.

He's country...real country...his family is very country...almost klan like country. We get along..but damn I don't know if I could handle all of it. This is why I believe in dating (and we are exclusive)...Like a long time! Lol..I've been on back roads in my county that I never knew existed since dating him. And I grew up here.

 

This is a different world to me...You guys are right... "Love" alone isn't enough it's the compromising on all the other junk that makes it work.

 

Verdict is still out on how much either one of us is willing to compromise.

[trying2breathe]

Interesting point about budding relationships, I would put mine into that category still.  And I now see NG almost every day, not sure what this adds up to but I would guess 3 months at least!  Last night we met up with several other couples, and one of the wives asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. With NG listening, I responded that we had been seeing each other for a few months.  I still have no desire to have that label put on us, taking my sweet time, having fun and he knows where I stand.  Even though he wants that label, I'm not ready and no harm done in my opinion.

 

I think it's really important to be able to act yourself, and as you say arneal, not cut yourself off from how you truly feel to stay with somebody else.  I've made it a point to present my true self to NG, and am speaking up more with what I believe.  And he does draw closer, what attracted me to him in the first place.  I'm realizing that it's the trivial stuff and some of the outlying social things that are giving me hesitation.  NG was romantic at first, he's not making attempts at romance now.  I read recently something about the Five Love Languages - to me kind of a trite guideline but a way to figure out what is needed to make you happiest in a relationship.  I read through all of them and honestly can't figure out what matters most to me.  Guess this kind of quiz doesn't really work for me. 

 

Loving NG isn't hard...it's easy... It's meshing all the other stuff that's hard.

 

^ Yes!!

[arneal]

trying2 -- you made a great point there about NG being romantic at first but now, not so much. I read all sorts of relationship stuff as well and so many of the 'experts' suggest that women do this: that we start out, making sure we look appropriate when we go out on a date or even just when we are at each other's houses watching TV for a stay-in date; that we spend time with our friends who we had before connecting with this person, which sometimes means we have to raincheck him for another day or time; that we might have to raincheck him for a day or time because that is the time we spend at the gym. Then we get comfortable and stop trying. These 'experts' seem to suggest women are not keeping up what they did in the first place to attract the other person. However, as you aptly stated, in this case NG stopped keeping up some of what he did to attract you. It works on both sides here. If there isn't positive growth, however incremental, it makes sense that you, Sugarbell, any of us would question whether this is the situation we want to be in or 'fight' for.

 

Latest increment here: I mentioned that NG was sick and we did not have the meet-up with my son. I was waiting to figure a right time to say something since NG had so much going on -- first the nerve pain, then a lack of communication and all sorts of weird stuff on the job to the point he was putting resumes out there. He had an interview and got a job offer last week so when he said that, I really didn't want to bring it up, knowing what it's like to start a new gig. He came over yesterday and we had a quiet evening of watching movies. This morning before he left, he asked when the next time might be to meet my son. I said I would have to connect with his caregiver and NG asked if my son needed to be accompanied (I already told him about the whole special needs/autism spectrum thing); I explained that no, his 'house mom' would need to drive him. He was good with that and said he would let me know about Labor Day Monday, which I figured might be a good opportunity if he didn't have to work. Also, he mentioned being ready to spend some quality time with my dogs ... now that's almost an even bigger step! My 60lb girl and by 80lb boy have met him already but they are hyper and like to jump so rather than have everybody stressed out with all that, I make sure they are in a separate room (they are totally indoor babies) and that I don't let them out unless he is outside or in a room with the door closed. So the fact that he wants to get them to be calm around him says a lot to me as well.

 

I might be pushing for more inside my brain, but these things tell me that my 'let what happens, happen' actions are on the right track. And if anything, I try to be more open as time goes on. Like I mentioned, he's always been the 'what do you want to do' sort so I have been challenged to keep things fresh to maintain the attraction. But it's a good challenge and I think I'm up to it

 

Have a great start to your week, everyone. All the best to each of us!

[trying2breathe]

arneal  It's great that communication is good and things are moving forward for you!  "Let what happens, happen", it does seem like actions are on the right track and that's wonderful!  Agree about the dogs - I have a frisky 70 lb. rescue puppy, she's a handful - when NG wants to hang out and include the dog too, my heart sings.

 

Interesting points about romance at first, and then not so much.  I keep up my appearance, I'm too vain not to!  In thinking about what's changed - I'm available to him most of the time now.  We see each other most days, there is the occasional time when I back off to take care of other responsibilities.  He has me and knows it, and maybe believes that he doesn't need to make romantic gestures any more. What I did at first to attract him?  I was hesitant to get into a relationship with him, he stuck with me despite my taking a long time to even kiss him.  I don't want to play games now, don't want to back off to make him try more - not sure how to change anything about this.  Maybe a good conversation is in order here.  I too am trying to be more open about what this relationship is, and whether it's something to try for long term.

[arneal]

trying2 -- well-said about no games. Conversation, yes. If you can't discuss this sort of thing and get clear, moving forward becomes too much of a guessing game, doesn't it? {{{hugs}}}

[daysofelijah]

Gosh new relationships are hard!

It sounds like everyone is dealing well with things as they come. Communication is such a hard thing to balance. I think being widowed makes us more able to deal with the relationship issues after having been through so much.

 

I don't really consider my relationship budding anymore, so I don't post too much.

 

Things are continuing to go well. I'm enjoying things the way they are. NG spends nearly every evening here, goes to his place on the weekdays and stays over on the weekends. He spends time with my kids. Right now he's downstairs playing darts with my 14yo.

 

I started my new teaching job, media specialist, well no kids until next week, but setting up and getting ready. I'm glad to be back to work and have something to focus on so not as much time to get lost in my thoughts. This week my schools' open house was the same time as my girl's open house, so NG took the girls to meet their teachers and do all the open house business for me. He is a great almost step-dad.

 

No date yet for a wedding, but I'm very fine with it. NG does everything he can to make me feel loved and secure in our relationship. I'm okay to give him time to work through letting go of whatever it is he seems slow to let go of as far as his "freedom" and fear of me giving up on him like everyone else does (in his mind). I think he's getting to a better place, we are both happier. Waiting another year or two is fine with me at this point.

 

My current stress is fighting the city to be able to put up a new fence around my backyard pool. They are making it insanely difficult. I have had to shell out a ton of money for permits, surveys, variances. And next month I have to go before the city planning commission, and then the city council meeting. All to just replace the falling down fence that is there in the exact same place. It's insanity.

 

His son continues to cause troubles typical of a wayward 17 year old, so that is a main reason why I'm not in a hurry for them to be moving in. Oh and 17 yo started working on a mink farm, so he stinks to high heaven after work, it's bad, lol. I don't want that stink in my house/laundry room!

 

I hope everyone has an enjoyable Labor Day weekend!

[mwelchdonovan17]

Over 4 years ago I was conversing with this one guy.  He was twice divorced, once widowed.  He was older than I wanted to start a relationship with.  But I thought what's the harm if we just chatted online?  So that's what we did.  In the morning before he went to work and at night when he came home.  I was unemployed at the time. 

 

Then the question I had no idea would come up; when do we meet?  I put it out of my mind (changed the subject).  He told me he would be patient.  I guess I wasn't ready?  Eventually I accepted his invitation.  I picked a venue far enough away from my home so that if it didn't work out I knew I wouldn't be venturing to that place again.  After 3 hours of coffee and chatting, he asked me "where are we going from here?".  OMG.  I thought he meant after our date.  He meant later that day.  Mind you I had not been on a date like this since 1979.  He suggested 3 different ideas.  We agreed on a baseball game.  We drove in separate vehicles.  His daughter happened to have 2 extra tickets.  We went.  Not only did I meet his daughter but I also met his two grown grandchildren, some other family members and his FIRST ex-wife; mother of his children.  After the game we went back to the bar where we left our vehicles.  (we took the shuttle to the ballpark).  He invited me to a garden party the following weekend a couple of his friends have every year.  There I met some of his friends. 

 

A week after we met he met my daughter.  I told her we had been chatting well over a month and met the preceeding weekend.  We went to the restaurant where she works for dessert.  I introduced her to him and she actually sat with us for a bit.  When she told me she had to get back to work she got up, shook his hand and gave him a hug.  I was a bit taken back.  I guess she saw how happy I was.  The smile I used to have had come back to my face. 

 

At this time of my life I was afraid I would not meet anyone.  But this man and I are in a committed relationship.  My family and friends are happy for me and they all like him.  My oldest sister was a bit defensive about our relationship when I told him about his past marriages.  But when she met him last year she leaned over to me and told me "he's a keeper".  She has always been a good judge of character. 

 

We decided last year that he would move in with me and rent out his condo.  Two years ago I got a PT job working in an insurance office.  Just so happens my boss and the BF went to the same high school and they get along great.  But then I went to high school with the boss's wife.  The BF has retired and he is just waiting for me to retire.  Our plans now are to sell both places, buy an RV along with a vehicle to tow it and travel the US.  Boy has my life changed since my husband passed in February of 2007.  If someone had told me this is where I would be 10 years later I would have told them they were nuts!!!

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank you MD17 for sharing your journey with us.  I'm envious 

[arneal]

Yes, thank you for sharing, daysofelijah and mw! NG is the closest to my age out of my intimate relationships. The first husband/my son's dad was about 12 years older and my second husband was 15 years older, while NG is only five years older. I guess I've finally reached an age where all my maturity points match  ;D ;D ;D

 

We will see how the weekend susses out; I have a congratulatory dinner reservation for NG and I because he started a new job this past week and I wanted to do something to celebrate the end of the stress from his last job. I didn't get to clean the house earlier in the week because I put up a small greenhouse in my backyard the other day, so that's on my agenda for today. Hope to spend time with him this weekend

[trying2breathe]

Thank you doe and mwd, I enjoyed reading your posts - good to hear of established relationships going well. 

 

Gosh new relationships are hard!

It sounds like everyone is dealing well with things as they come. Communication is such a hard thing to balance. I think being widowed makes us more able to deal with the relationship issues after having been through so much.

 

^Yes, they are!  Wish I didn't, but I tend to make things more difficult than they need to be.  :  Widowhood has made me more resilient, I'm not sure that I deal with relationship issues any better now though.

 

Happy Labor Day Weekend, All ~

[arneal]

trying2: I would dare say that widowhood certainly makes us more resilient but probably also gives us less tolerance for nonsense ...

[trying2breathe]

trying2: I would dare say that widowhood certainly makes us more resilient but probably also gives us less tolerance for nonsense ...

 

Absolutely!! 

However, what one person defines as an idiosyncrasy might be somebody else's nonsense.  In the non-romantic arena, I have little patience for foolishness and won't waste time on something I consider to be less than worthwhile.  In my relationship with NG, there are issues and it's work to define what's nonsense vs. something that I can work with.  I wish it were more defined though, the more I get into this the more complicated it gets!  :

[klim]

t2b ...yes the work that you speak  of with issues...that is what makes new relationships tricky. For me there's so much thinking that I do now, where I don't believe I analyzed as much when I was young. I just when with the flow.

 

Sometimes now I go with the flow and it feels easier, but then my thinking kicks in......

 

The last couple of days I spent at NG's house and I did some things I'd never thought I would.  Let me explain. NG is a farmer/businessman. He was an old school type of guy where his responsiblility was to "work and provide for the family". So his wife also had a traditional role of taking care of house and home. I don't really have any trouble with people taking on roles as long as they are happy with it. The thing is when his wife left he had no "home" skills and  none of the things you would find in a normal home because his wife emptied the house to the bare walls.  When I met him he had developed somewhat , he knows how to cook a few things and can now do his laundry. But his house which is  large and actually could be very nice was run down and dirty. He was living as a bachelor farmer....not really an inviting environment! He doesn't lack money so over time I've suggested some purchases that would make it more inviting. Some extra kitchenware, cushions for his wrought iron patio set(now I actually like sitting outside) but this weekend I broached a couple of things that I felt I shouldn't, but were bugging me. His bedding was dismal and he would let it go too long between washes...I had to speak up.....so a 10 pm run to walmart and new bedding lead to the best night I've had there.

Spurred on by the bed makeover, I suggested painting his living room which was a mess. The previous owner had done some renovations  (like I said the place has potential) but the project was not quite finished. The walls had some  dirty old wallpaper in one area, new construction on another,  half painted in another....a mess. So we spent the day painting.

 

I'm liking it but I didn't like having to suggest these things because........I don't know, I guess I feel demanding.....( but I didn't demand) . I think he's just oblivious to things that make a house a home.

 

Anyway that was my weekend.