arneal Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Thank you, trying2 -- I love how you said that. I have two photos of LH; one with my dad's photo (he died 22 years ago) and one with LH, my son, and me. I have one photo of my stepdaughter (still trying to come up with a reasonable way to describe her ... LH's daughter sounds a bit too cold still) when she was a baby. Other than that, there is more artwork rather than 'people pictures' anymore. A friend of ours once did a bust of LH's head. We put it in the living room when she sent it to us. I kept it there for a bit after he died but then I had to pack it up, along with the rest of the photos, and put it in a cabinet in my garage. I figure if stepdaughter wants it, she can have it. I suppose if she ever gets herself together to visit we'll have that conversation. In the meantime, I have the feeling a day is coming when I get rid of the furniture in my son's old room, paint it, and make it the dog room like I'm thinking ... which may come sooner rather than later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 IL's have been purging their stuff and giving some of it to me. I've been complacent about taking what they give me, smile and nod, say thank you. Latest acquisition - several oil paintings of DH as a tot, painted by his grandmother. Grandma was a dear but she was no artist. I may be going to hell for posting this, but what in the world am I supposed to do with these? Modified to add - funny that I've posted this in the Budding Relationships forum. I've found that since dating NG, I'm ready to move forward, purge and feeling ready to start again. Feeling less and less married these days, a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Tryingtobreathe, Thanks so much for your post. I am in the same boat. Live with MIL a mile away. She gave me a box of pictures, unlabeled! I went through them, gave back who I was clueless about. She went back and marked them and gave them back. UGHGHH! What to do? NG and I looked at a house and I offered, and it is mine as long as everything goes. WE are moving forward. My house, as his ex is not having access to it or my assets. Anyhoo... NG asked that my pics of DH and his Marine Corp stuff not be displayed in the new house with both of us. Hmmmm.... My son is still here. Still his dad. I think my son will have what he wants to display in his room. He has the flag and pictures already displayed. I guess I thought we could incorporate some family pics. He is divorced, so no desire for pics of him and his ex. I have two pics up in the living room with DH. A family pic, the last with my father before he died. One couple pic. I understand putting that one away. This is so complicated. So, just store them all away? I have decided to take what MIL gives and then dispose of it as I see fit versus telling her no. Less hurtful, I believe. DS has no need for all the old stuff. He isn't connected to that side of the family much. He and his dad were only children. The IL side didn't reach out to me afterwards, so I have no real connection. So it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 Purging is cathartic. I have two broken vehicles in my driveway; I used my working vehicle to push the car into the garage yesterday and overnight decided I needed to shift some things around to have more room in there. I went through my lateral file and found some photos of the first husband and I. I found cards his family had sent us; they referred to me by a shortened version of my middle name, which I hated. They did it because he said so. I found wedding photos of us. I trashed them all. I moved things around and gave things away. I need for this house to be as mine as possible. I suspect my son's old room will be next. LH's daughter is the only one who's ever slept in there besides my son and I am not opening the possibilities for her to stay here. Things are as they are with NG and I just want to be the best catch I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 tybec How funny that the pictures were returned to you with labels! ;D I seem to be the dumping ground for my IL's purge - whatever DH stored in their basement for many years, is being given to me. This has included childhood sports equipment, trophies, photographs, school awards, etc. It's all too much. I'm slowly purging this stuff too, I'm incredulous that they think I want any of it. Definitely less hurtful to take it and dispose of it later. I can understand your NG's request to not have LH's pics displayed, but harsh to not allow anything at all. arneal Yes, purging is so cathartic. I'm sorting and giving away the last of DH's clothing that's in my closet, I want this house to be only mine. Organizing my surroundings is giving me a different mindset - more clarity and purpose I believe. Baby steps ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Agreed, trying2; I cleaned my garage last year/early this year. Or so I thought ;D The clothing was one thing I did almost right away. I gave all of it to the local homeless community. I kept a few items but then put them in a pile of things for his daughter; she had asked me about some of his clothes. If she doesn't make her way out here, I guess I would ask her friend who lives out here to take it and hold it for her or it all will be given away at some point should I get to a point of leaving this house. As it is now, it's all in a cabinet in the garage, out of my sight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Unrelated to relationships but i am a museum curator and history museums are america's dumping ground for people's stuff. People think they're doing something charitable, but what they don't realize is we have very limited resources to deal with this stuff and we can only collect what is within our collecting scope. It has to have research and exhibition value. And quite frankly, I have a great deal of training and experience in order to make that determination that the average person does not have. Yet people try to tell me, you need to preserve this, this is really important. Nine times out of ten, the answer is no, it really isn't. We don't collect memorabilia, we collect artifacts. HUGE difference. And just because something is old does not me it's historically significant, or in scope. Sorry for the rant. Honestly Tybec, I think it's a little unreasonable of your NG to want you to purge your home of those things while your son is there. It's your son's home too. I've been thinking of moving say, the giant engagement picture of Dan and I to K's room. But there will always be pictures there. My BF's daughter lives in another state. She is here every other weekend. Yesterday we were talking about how we don't want her to think her times here are visits. We want her to think of it as her MI home and her IL home. If BF ever moves in, that means his daughter should have things that make it feel like home to her. That may include having pictures of her mom, and let me tell you, I loathe that woman. But i wouldn't feel comfortable with her feeling like she has to confine those images to her room. I feel more comfortable adding pictures than taking others away. So i have pictures of my boyfriend and i along side pictures of Dan and I. But there will always be images of Dan in my home. Even when K moves out. He is part of me. I need BF to understand it, and I think he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Artifacts, not memorabilia -- great distinction, MrsDan, that goes beyond the museum, doesn't it? I consider the two photos I have of LH as artifacts. I consider the artwork that he did and I still have displayed around the house as artifacts. I only need a few as representations -- not everything. LH and I never took lots of photos together. It's only been within the last few months that I've gotten over not taking photos of myself. I only have one with NG from when we went to an escape room experience last fall. Funny -- we went to a movie yesterday and there was a photo booth outside. When we were going into the theatre I said we should get in the photo booth and make faces. When we came out of the movie there were people in it, so no photos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Tybec, I think your bf is being wholly unreasonable in his request to remove LH from your new home. Especially since you have a child. That's just plain ego talking there. Does he object to displaying memorabilia of all dead people in general or is it simply LH in particular? Would he have a problem with a picture of your late father being displayed? Why or why not? You have a son. How do you think he is gonna feel if you ask him to hide any reminder of his dad? How is he going to feel if your bf decides to take this one step further and forbid you two to talk about your late husband altogether? You have a dead husband. Your son has a dead father. Your bf needs to grow up and realize you have a past and you're not going to act like it's some kinda shameful secret. How is this guy gonna be any kind of decent step-father some day if he has trouble acknowledging your son has a dad who he wants to be able to remember and talk about? I'm assuming here you're not walking around acting all wistful and waxing poetic about your marriage to LH... perhaps you can try to explain it in psychological terms- the importance LH still plays in the life of your son, and in his future emotional well-being? I mean, I do get the feeling jealous, it's a natural thing. But sometimes one has to work through these feelings for the greater good-- or move on if they realize they just can't. I am realizing how fortunate I am to have a bf who doesn't mind me displaying the wedding portrait my FIL painted. As long as I treat him as the number one man in my life, it's all good. And I don't even have any children. Hell, I still have pictures up of my dog who died 14 years ago...he was a damn good dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forgottenwife Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 My BF's daughter lives in another state. She is here every other weekend. Yesterday we were talking about how we don't want her to think her times here are visits. We want her to think of it as her MI home and her IL home. If BF ever moves in, that means his daughter should have things that make it feel like home to her. That may include having pictures of her mom, and let me tell you, I loathe that woman. But i wouldn't feel comfortable with her feeling like she has to confine those images to her room. I logged in just to say thank you MrsDan. Amazing the love you have for this kid and for her to come to her Dad's house and see pictures of her Mom is such a touching gesture. She will be lucky to have you in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Metv Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Tybec, I think your bf is being wholly unreasonable in his request to remove LH from your new home. This exactly ^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I think any photos in your sons room is totally appropriate ...it's been almost 10 years and my oldest son still has a family portrait (8x10) right beside his bed on a nightstand. Him and his brother with DH and I (before sister was born) But really...I haven't had photos of DH throughout the house in years probably 8 years. I would feel weird buying a new home with new guy-mowing forward and having pics of DH in it in common living spaces. Kids rooms? Yes..they can have pics as long as they want..Shoot my son I think will always have that one pic. It's his memory of his Dad. But my heart (in a romantic way) is no longer attached to DH...just as the father of my kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Metv Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I dun understand why it has to be a huge issue though. As long as it's not overwhelming. Maybe shows respect, ok so we move on. A photo, is harmless. Just my experience (not saying "couples" photo), that could be a bit different, admittingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I haven't shared space in a cohabitting way but Any pictures that were up and about before he passed away are still up and about......they are mostly some cool vacationing pics.....not engagement/wedding or portrait type things. My boys still live here it is our house and I'm not about to eradicate the picture memories. When I was previously dating a divorced fellow I actually found it weird when he had no photos of his past life around.......i met his ex , knew his kids....IDK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Some folks aren't 'picture people'. NG doesn't have photos up. Didn't in the old place either. He does have a good collection on his phone and occasionally posts on social media (granddaughter, daughter, mom, dad, siblings). He has posted a couple of 'memories' on Facebook from before his divorce but hasn't done that in a while. I haven't trolled his photo album to see if he left the ex's photos in there (she's not his kids' mom -- I don't think he had any photos of her) but I have a feeling he might have gotten rid of them because it was not a pleasant parting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Thanks all for the input. We have some communication to do. NG has told me to keep lots of DH's things for our son. I have a golf bag with his name, his foot locker, senior letters, stuff like that. I thought we had cleared it up about keeping lots of things in my son's room, and NG was great with that. I guess he may think having it up in the living room is much. Room for discussion. I am not angry. More curious about this situation. Oh, and DH was a Marine, Enlisted, and then worked for the Nightstalker's as a civilian. NG is retired Lt. Co. Air Force. Yeah, there is some stuff there, I don't doubt. The different branches have their competitive natures, I guess. No biggie for me. I don't see DS headed to the military, actually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 tybec -- you made me smile with your post. LH was a percussionist, I DJ'ed in college, and NG plays guitar for fun. Yeah, there's usually stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 So a funny thing happened in the social media world ... My son is doing better after his hospitalization for pneumonia; during that time I took a break from social media. I was also quite anxious about my own health, having been to my annual checkup and coming back with a diagnosis of getting old I have all the body aches and so on as a menopausal woman (yay : ) and needed to decompress. I realized I was feeling a good bit of jealousy over folks who were sharing anniversary photos, flowers on their desk received just because from their beloveds, great happenings with their children ... and I don't like feeling that way. It's not my normal space. So, my cure was to get away from it for a while to get my head on straight. I popped in to let folks know about my son's progress and that was about it. Once he was released from hospital, I resurfaced a bit. I went to NG's place on Sunday and we went out for dinner and a movie. I hung out for a little bit and then came on home. I posted on social media a little bit; one thing I shared (for the benefit of my friends and family back east who always freak out about how hot it gets here in the southwest) that I was getting my house AC fixed this week because by the end of the week it's due to be 100+ degrees F. NG popped on and volunteered to try and fix it for me once I got the diagnosis. We had had a deep discussion of the movie we went to see and I wrote a blog post about it; NG popped on to continue the discussion, even though I only loosely suggested I'd gone to see the movie with someone. He made a post about a health issue and I replied to it; my post included an offer to make one of his favorite dishes for Father's Day. He replied positively; it was like we were just having a conversation rather than posting all out there for the world to see. I realize that such interactions are now the new norm of how we connect during the week. I am still not on it as much as I was before while I try to get my own headspace right. I went for a mammogram yesterday and am praying for good results; I am anxious generally since my mom had breast cancer last year (even though my doctor told me I shouldn't worry because she was 73 when it showed up which means my chances of getting it in my late 40s is slim to none) and with the menopause anxiety ... yeah, no fun. But nonetheless, the public conversations made me smile. More junior high moments of dating : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daysofelijah Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Arneal perimenopause sucks. I totally get how your feeling. I started about a year and a half ago (I'm 41), I had never even heard of it before then! I have no sisters and my mom doesn't talk about that kind of stuff. So I'm learning as I go for sure. The symptoms come and go, I seem to be doing well now. But yeah the crazy emotions, irregular and very heavy cycles, and other body changes are not so fun. Getting older is no picnic, I hope your symptoms subside or at least improve! Glad to hear your son is doing better too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 Thanks so much -- I am an only child and also had no one to tell me the wonders of this time of life : I am 48 and Mom certainly never talked of such. We never even had a birds-and-bees talk. I am grateful as I could have started much earlier; I had a partial hysterectomy when I was about 41 so had they taken my ovaries too, I might have gone full on then. Funny story: when NG was moving, I went over there to help on the last day with the cleaning. Out of the blue he asked me if I had heavy periods. I was stunned for a second but replied that I'd had the partial hysterectomy and didn't have to worry about that anymore. He explained that he had ordered an iron supplement for his daughter, knowing that the cycle depletes iron in our bodies, she didn't use it, and he didn't want it to go to waste. Ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 Happy Thursday all: So on top of everything going on emotionally with this menopause business, I get a letter today after my mammogram that I had on Tuesday (yep, two days later) that they want me to go back for a re-screen because of 'an area of concern'. I am terrified. My mom had breast cancer last year but is in hear 70s, which the doctor said should not be cause for concern for me. I have a couple thoughts about the whole matter: 1) this medical facility is more thorough and want to follow up on everything. I'm a new patient and my records are on request from the previous medical facility I had when I worked full time. I had calcium deposits in the past, which is what showed up when I went for the re-scan. 2) the doctor was full of crap and there's something serious going on, which is the source of all my discomfort. I am tired of fighting. I don't mean that like I'm giving up or anything but that I feel like I can't catch a break. Just when I feel like things are on a good flow with NG, my son is on the mend, I am staying afloat financially, there's this. From a superficial and selfish menopausal place, I am not trying to be sick because I am afraid of being a potentially weak or sick partner. I know the toll it took on me when LH was sick. I don't want to be that person for anyone. I have to go to the ophthalmologist on Monday and am stressed about the possibility of eye issues as well. It's just a lot all at once. Maybe I'm just thinking the worst. Regardless, it sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 arneal You are dealing with a lot - hope that the recheck turns out to be nothing, just a precautionary visit. Yes, you are thinking the worst - keep breathing, and keep us posted. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 Thank you so much, trying2. I appreciate it and will keep everyone updated. Of course it's like every ache and pain in magnified and my feelings are super-sensitive. On top of it all, when I called my mom to tell her, I got a sort of 'you will be all right and let me tell you about my day' reaction. Really? I told NG I'd make jerk chicken for Father's Day so I made my marinade yesterday evening. My current mood has me anticipating that he'll bail. Just feeling miserable all around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 On top of it all, when I called my mom to tell her, I got a sort of 'you will be all right and let me tell you about my day' reaction. Really? I had no idea we were long lost sisters! Seriously, that type of behavior is one of the biggest reasons I do not have a relationship of any substance with my mother. Regardless of whether or not it is as serious as you fear, you're is real and that is distressing for you. I'm sending positiove thought's your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 arneal Sorry that your Mom was dismissive. I took it as her trying not to show concern, having gone through what she has trying to not show how worried she may actually be. It does seem dismissive of your worries though, and not supportive. It's not as if changing the subject and talking about her day will actually make you forget what's going on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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