For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

Hope everyone is having or has had a good 4th of July weekend if in a place that celebrates it. I have had an interesting one. I was at NGs Sunday evening; I had planned if the situation to stay arose by enlisting my house sitters to let my dogs out later and on Monday morning. When I got there, he had saved me a parking space and when I drove to it, there were some people sort of in the way. I couldn't hear well but it sounded like he asked them if they would give way as his girlfriend was coming to park. Might have just been my wishful thinking though

 

We had just finished eating dinner and were watching television when I heard my mobile phone. I answered and it was the sitter, telling me that one of my dogs had taken off. She is horribly skittish and the fireworks have been going since Memorial weekend. It seems someone probably set off an M80 and she broke through my gate. I was about 40 miles away. I throw on my shoes, kiss NG, and take off for home. My friends and I drove the neighborhood until 2 am and could not find her. In the morning, I went out again and she came back, a bit worse for wear from breaking through the fence and not sleeping all night, but otherwise fine, thank God.

 

NG had off Monday and the 4th itself and wanted to come over as he was scheduled to work out of town for the rest of the week. I cooked and we did our own indoor BBQ last night, during which time he tells me that he doesn't have to go out of town after all, which was fine with me because when he goes, he always comes home wiped out from the drive and it limits our weekend time because I don't want to be there making him entertain me when he's tired or asking him to drive to my house after he's been on the road all week. He stayed and we hung out for most of today. I mentioned that it would be great to do a beach getaway and he agreed; we are planning it for next weekend.

 

Now here's the kicker: when we decide on the general location, he tells me that he has a pen pal in that area -- a woman who he had met online when he lived up north. She had asked him when he was moving down where she lived, he said he wasn't, but they remained friends. She has since married and so forth but since when he was online dating his profile said he was looking for friends or long-term relationship (just like mine), so there it is -- and that we could maybe meet her and her husband for dinner while we are there.

 

The suggestion actually made me smile because it said to me that he was comfortable enough to want me to meet this friend who might have at one point been more than a friend and her husband. That he wasn't worried that I'd freak out about meeting her. I've been thinking about suggesting he meet my son, which of course is different than this, but to be honest I don't have many friends here that I'd bother to introduce him to purposely. I mean, if we happened to be out somewhere and they were there, of course I'd make the intro, but to make plans? Not so much. Anyway, depending on how things go, I will give the son-NG meet up more thought.

 

Who would have thought I had to actually think about this stuff? 

[trying2breathe]

Oh my - so glad that your dog found her way home, what a scare!  Fourth of July and dogs just don't mix - I had the stereo up loud at my house, thank goodness neighbors on both sides were not home - and that seemed to help muffle  the noise and keep my dog somewhat calm.

 

 

If you think that your NG said "girlfriend", you may be right.   Yay on the introduction to his friends - to me it means taking it to another level, feeling comfortable in the relationship and moving it on to a couples thing.  And an introduction to your son might feel natural, after this introduction.  NG and I have been slowly meeting other friends, and it feels nice.  We've been together but solo for awhile, and it's been good to have interactions with others and discover more about each other.

 

 

Yup - stuff we have to think about!

[tybec]

Moving forward.  Spent whole 4th weekend with NG and my son with his father and half brothers and nephews. Father is rich, paid for everything and house looks like a small resort.  But NG and he don't mesh.  NG says he is a poor father, neglected him and his sister after cheating on their mother. Many girlfriends and no money or child support.  His half brothers have everything.  Such a sad strange situation.  Had family pics done by professional.  His dad mentioned having all his grandsons there.  Nope, as NGs boys were with their mom.  Knife in the back for NG. There were more subtle comments.  They have their own flavor of crazy as does my family.  Only get together maybe once/twice a yr. and the father pays for it all, but all his choice/control.  My son got to attend his first professional baseball game and we had special box tickets to a food Buffett.  And son got to ride jet skis by himself and be on the boat that sleeps 8.  He got to shoot clay pigeons, rifles, shotguns for the first time.  He had a lot firsts so the father was generous.  Good family weekend, 3 nights, but saw the sadness for NG. 

 

Closing date for my new house may be the 21st.  Getting real!  My house under contract.  Inspection went well.  They want to move in before school, too, so happening. New life around the corner! 

[arneal]

Glad things are going well, tybec, and hope you were able to bring some cheer to your NG despite the nonsense. Yeah, family is a trip! My NG has siblings with issues as well; his mom did a good job of separating her kids into factions it seems, based on their fathers. The brothers who are younger than NG have a different dad and it's like they could do no wrong. I think it was because of the stories he's told me over the past year about their dynamic that made me try to make his birthday a big deal because no one did that for him when he was younger. What a thing to watch your brothers get parties and no one does that for you or your sister? Just ew.

[arneal]

Well, back from the weekend away. So on Friday, NG texts to say he is waiting to hear from work about mandatory overtime for Saturday. He ends up having to work that morning; when I got the message I replied that I was going anyway because I would lose money of I changed or cancelled the reservation and that I would miss him. He started apologizing and I was like, not your fault but this company that doesn't plan jobs well. He says he could come down in the company truck right after they finish. I was good with that since I did have a video meeting with students that I could not get out of. Saturday rolls in. I spent the morning on the beach, did my meeting, and was comfortably reading with my feet propped up when he got there. We went back to the beach and ended up doing dinner, just us; since he didn't know how the work thing was going to turn out he didn't call his friends, figuring it was too short notice. I agreed since I had tried to meet up on Friday night with one of my friends who lives in that town and wasn't able to. We chilled out and talked. Unfortunately the walls were thin so we were awake like every hour because there was a ehem, noisy and rabbit-like couple going at it  :-[

 

I was glad we had some time away, even though it was short. He has been getting up at like 3:30 to be at work by 6 because it takes almost 2 hours to get ro the job site, and even on Saturday it's probably close to an hour and a half. With all that he still drove another hour to the beach. Hoping next time will be better ...

[tybec]

Arneal,

 

Hard to have the schedules so tight!  At least you did have some time, but hope you can get another get a way sooner than later.

 

My NG is on vacation with his kids this week.  I was the last week of June with my family.  Have a nephew going to Abu Dhabi for missionary work, so big time to see him and his family as who knows when it may happen again.  Saw other nephew and family.  Been LH's  funeral since saw them, 5 yrs. plus.  Time goes fast.  They are my back-up for my son, so important to have the contact.

 

Did spend that time with NG with his family over the fourth, thankfully.  But it was not ideal.  My son on the couch, me on a futon and NG on an air mattress at his 24 yr old half brother's house.  Not exactly a spa setting, but still better than nothing. 

 

Signing papers the 20th for new house.  Started packing, and it is HARD!  So many memories to go through, downsizing.  Overwhelming.  Why didn't I do more of this sooner?  Uggh.......

 

Lessons to learn.  Darn real life stuff interferring with the romantic stuff!  LOL!

 

Trying to focus on the JOY.  Looking forward, down the road instead of the rear view mirror.  The packing WILL be worth it all. It will be worth it.  It is time. 

 

 

[arneal]

Oh my yes, real life interfering! One funny thing that I think I may have mentioned in an earlier post ... I have the visitor's parking permit to NG's apartment complex; I mentioned I was going to give it to him and he told me to hang onto it and give it to him later that day. It's been like two weeks ... I didn't think of giving it over this weekend since we didn't ride together anywhere and when he walked me to my car when we were leaving, he didn't actually walk up to the window to look in to see it. It's like we are too busy to pay attention to details. That, or he doesn't care that I still have it, which is a good indication that he won't mind me staying at his place  ;D

[MrsDan]

.

[arneal]

So sorry, MrsDan. Hoping you are taking care of yourself. {{{hugs}}}

[klim]

ok tomorrow I'm heading out for a 3 week vacation with NG. The itinerary is exciting but my feelings are mixed.....I feel like this will be a big test of long term compatibility. As I mentioned before he has a hard time giving me space, here there will be no space.....hmmmmm.....well we'll see.

[Trying]

3 weeks?!!  Wow, that will definitely be a true test.  I hope you have a great time!

[Bunny]

Good luck, klim!

 

I approached 5 weeks in Europe with my bf with the greatest of trepidation: we'd been dating less than a year, I'm someone who really needs my alone time, we were spending most our time in a country where only he spoke the language. Turns out we travel really well together, even with both of us getting sick. A few mini-squabbles, of course, but overall we were a good team. My husband was kind of a terrible traveler...it's strange to realize I've been on more vacations with bf in our 3 years together than in the 17 I was with DH.

[arneal]

Oh, klim! Hoping things go fantastically well. Maybe on the way to your destination you can chat casually about the itinerary and try to include some 'you' time in there.

 

Bunny -- that sounds fabulous. I have done two short day trips with NG; I have to say I felt some type of way at first when he found out he had to work during this last one and we would not actually be going together, but in the end I realize it was necessary. I needed to drive there by myself. The last time I'd been on those parts of the highway had been with LH and my son -- it was a cathartic drive, cleansing in a way. I had the suite to myself Friday night, did a bit of exploring once I got there, went down to the beach (with LH and son we had never gone to the beach out there; I've been to two beaches with NG now and in all my time here with LH, we'd been to one beach two or three times ... other trips near the beach meant I often walked to the water myself to stick my feet in but we didn't actually have on suits and go out there together, know what I mean?) and walked around. I had work to do Saturday morning so had he been there, he would have had to entertain himself for a couple hours anyway. I had time to go to the beach by myself first thing, do my meeting, and get cleaned up by the time he got there. It was short, but like I posted, the fact that he would drive all that way after working such a grueling schedule meant a lot.

 

I hope once his work schedule settles a little we can talk about maybe taking a few days to go back east; he says he'd like to see his sister who lives in Philly and my mom lives in South Jersey still. However, I'd like him to meet my son first, who lives out here where we are ... so many thoughts ...

 

Anyway, onward, klim and all!

[tybec]

3 and 5 week vacations!  I have never done that! Wow!  What a thrill!  And with NEW relationships!  That is huge! Bunny, so happy for you to have that experience.  It is like a strange dream, I bet.  Exciting!

 

Arneal, short trips are all I know.  I hope to something longer in the future but it just isn't realistic now.

 

NG came over Sat. and helped me go through tools to keep and let go.  Been setting there 5 1/2 yrs.  LH was a mechanic.  NG is not a handy man.  It was strange for him to do, but I appreciated it.  He then loaded up things and took them back on Sunday to his place and stored in his garage, saving me some money for paying the movers.

 

I took DS to church camp, came back through my soon to be new home and did some foot work Monday.  NG has said lots of things to me to tell me he is in this for the long haul.  He has told me He can be with me for now on out.  Talks about moving after the children are grown, travel.  He is so kind and devoted to me, when it is us.

 

So, sign the papers on Thurs.  I will have a new home after 17 years!

[arneal]

That is beautiful, tybec -- happy for each of you!

 

It's funny; I have never been the expressive type when it comes to relationships; my parents were not like that and the first husband was too abusive for me to learn it. Second husband was very verbally expressive and after 16 years together I guess I got used to it. Now being with a man who doesn't express it verbally feels strange. We don't talk about what's next at all. The words 'I love you' have never come up. We don't have photos together. I occasionally try to send a flirty text but don't get a response.

 

Hope this isn't too TMI, but at Christmas, I think I shared this, I made him a gift of coupons -- for back massages, full body massages, and other more intimate play ... I included three blanks in there for him to decide what he wanted to cash them in for -- and every now and again he'll pull one out but it's always for the massages. I had put one in there for the fantasy of his choice and when he read it that day, he said his fantasies are pretty tame. Never gave a hint, has never mentioned using the coupon. From his stories, his ex was not very caring when it came to intimacy ... demanded 'f***king' instead of 'making love' sort of thing and he hated that, so I figured giving him space to share what he'd like would be cool. The closeness has grown over time, don't get me wrong. It took quite some time in the beginning for him to even kiss me goodnight, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. For the most part I just let things happen as they do, no pressure. But it would be nice to get a glimpse into the future I think this is why the message series at church is about the harvest right now. My pastor's talk last week was about not stepping on the small sprouts of growth that, when left alone to grow and mature, turn into our harvest. We can ruin the crop if we mess with it. I need to listen to that talk again, daily perhaps

[klim]

Haha I'm laughing, my guy is a farmer/business man. He quite often uses the analogy of planting the seed and watering it with regards to ideas.

 

With regards to love and life he is always full speed ahead......he works in greenhouses so from seeding to harvesting is 15 days....

 

I think that's how he views our life as well......I just have to keep reminding him I' not in the greenhouse my love grows slowly  and I'm trying to establish whether the soil is good and I can establish my self with good roots and feel secure.

 

see you can carry this analogy a long way.

[arneal]

Ha! I am not that quick but I think I'd like a little verbal confirmation. Don't know if it's embarrassment or what. I mean, he has no problem holding hands, rubbing my back, kissing in public. He's even given me a foot massage -- used a hot cloth to wash my feet beforehand and all. I guess that's why I don't have good luck with houseplants ... I am waiting for them to say something, like the dogs or the cat However, I still have hope because my fish don't talk either and I've managed to keep them alive  ;D

[trying2breathe]

My NG flips from being very expressive to not being expressive at all.  It's as if he picks a day to get it all out and then poof! - nothing for several weeks.  I've never dated anybody like this, and am not sure what to make of it.  arneal  I'm giggling about your coupons - my NG is not one to pick up on nuances or hints, instead the direct approach works best with him.  I was away for a week with DD, upon my return NG & I made plans for dinner, etc.    I let him know that I would meet him at his house with an appetite    Once I arrived, he stepped out, locked his door and sure enough we  headed for dinner.  I now know where his priorities lie!  LOL

[arneal]

trying2: that's a hoot! My NG loves his grub as well. If I want to make him smile, I bake brownies I feel bad though because I was cracking myself up the other night and sent a text in the third person ... something like "There's this girl who wants to go out with this guy on a Saturday night sometime soon, what do you think are her chances?" He wrote back with something like, "I really want to, I do, but I won't have any extra cash from this overtime for another week or two." He has been working like a dog because his company screwed up, getting up at 3:30 am every day. I know it, but was hoping it would make him laugh. He did mention a movie though, so I hope he saw the humor in it. Sigh. This dating thing, as my pretend little brother says, is so junior high. And it's not easy!

[trying2breathe]

arneal  I wouldn't feel badly about trying to connect through sense of humor, and it not quite being received in the way that you would like.  NG and I don't really match with our humor, sometimes I can be a goof ball and he's not - there are times when he doesn't know what to think.  LH was a practical joker, was always playing games and laughing, NG not so much.  It certainly isn't a deal breaker, just something for both of us to get accustomed to I guess.  Relationship with NG is so very different than what I had w/my LH, having been married for 20 years it's hard for me to come to terms with what a new relationship is supposed to be.  I feel as though I'm making it up as I go along. 

[arneal]

Ain't that the truth, trying2! Actually we both have a pretty sharp wit and 'get' each other's humor. I think he just isn't good at expressing the nuances of intimacy in this way? Not sure how to say that better.

 

Something funny happened this weekend though. My friend down the street is a Lularoe rep; she just made a year in business and was having a celebration. I told her that I probably wouldn't make it because NG and I were trying to get together on Saturday. She of course said, 'Bring him!' I asked her about the menu, shared it with him and got no real response. I had a new top I had bought from her and she showed me how to wear it like a halter, so I was hoping I looked as smashing as she thought I did lol. Saturday arrives and we start talking about what we're going to see at the movies and what we're going to do for food. I again mention my friend and he's not too enthused. We decide to get something at one of the places right in the same complex as the theatre (I think it was because he wanted to pay since for the last few times I've been the one paying; he can be sensitive about that sort of thing, wants it to be equitable if not more that he pays). I agree but say I need to go and let her know we aren't coming. I drive down and he waits in the car -- I am glad we didn't stay because it was I think all women except for my friend's husband (I used to hate to do that to LH, have him sitting there with no men folk to talk about while the women sit around and be women ... ugh. In this case, her husband works the Lula business with her so he probably would have been in and out of the house, working the deals). Before we had left my house, NG had stood back, looked at my top and said, 'That is nice!' He's made comments in the past about something I was wearing but that was the first time he had been so directly expressive about it. You know how some men will tell their wives, girlfriends, signif's that they are pretty or sexy? He's not that type. So I took this as very high praise!

 

Anyway, I go back to the car and my friend comes with me because she wants to meet NG. He rolls down the car window, she shakes his hand, and says, 'I have heard so much about you' (and I'm dying that she said it -- so junior high). He doesn't miss a beat and replies, 'And I have heard so much about your dogs' (this is the friend who has my boy dog's brother). Now I really die, right! She says that my main reason for coming down there is not to talk to the people but to the dogs and they both laugh. It was funny but I was glad to introduce him to one of my friends. The moment passed and nothing more was said about my little intro. Next I want to tackle having him meet my son. I've already worked up my conversation script so the next time we are together I am going to open up the discussion ... yikes!

[arneal]

Happy Monday, all!

 

Am thinking of throwing a comment out to NG about solitary versus partner space ... or whatever I should call it.

 

Usually one or the other of us reaches out on the weekend to see what we might do together. I had been reaching out for the past couple weeks and after last weekend was feeling bad about it since he's keeping such a hard schedule during the week of getting up at 3:30 in the morning. I decided I wasn't going to say anything and leave it to him if he wanted to do something. I didn't hear from him on Saturday and then on Sunday he posted publicly that he had been in a bit of a depression about some things. Several of us left encouraging comments, which he acknowledged late in the day. I also sent a text later to offer more private encouragement, which he did not reply to.

 

So here's where I am -- and this will take many dips and turns! I am an introvert so I get the need for solitude. However, I feel like in times like this, when he's feeling distress, he cuts everyone out. Part of me says that if we are in a 'relationship', a response to a quick text or even an initial message to let me know in basic that he needs to be alone would be a good thing. Another part of me says that the cutting off of everyone is how he's always functioned and because of people in his life generally, he's not thought through why it should be different with me.

 

I am just wanting to make clear the roadmap of expectations here by letting him know that it would help me to know how to be supportive.

 

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I on the right track? Has anyone else been in similar straits?

[trying2breathe]

arneal  Although not easy I strive for open communication in a relationship, especially when things aren't going so well. For me, providing and having the support and understanding of a partner is part of the deal.  Maybe it is your NG's MO to shut down a bit when feeling low, and I get the part of needing solitary time. It should be different with you though, as you're in a relationship with him and you want more.  Once the clouds clear a bit, maybe suggest that he can talk with you about the hard times too?

Love this > "I am just wanting to make clear the roadmap of expectations here by letting him know that it would help me to know how to be supportive."

I would hope that by saying this to him it might open the door to him being more communicative with you.  I don't think that you're being too sensitive, laying out expectations in a gentle way I believe is a good thing.

[arneal]

Thanks so much, trying2. I texted him some information from the essential oils video I was watching last night and said I had some of them and they might be helpful. He texted me back this morning to say he was struggling with that issue from the weekend and then some added job issues, so it sounds like he's really feeling it. He's off from work tomorrow so I might see him later today or sometime tomorrow ... am sort of nervous about exactly what I want to say but I'm working on it. Been doing things around the house so am going to practice in the shower lol!

[Bunny]

Text ignorer here...for me, it really is nothing personal. I just can't stand the expectation that I am forever at the beck and call of others- yes, even with those I love deeply- and especially when I am feeling down. When I'm out of sorts my phone exhausts me. I dunno, maybe I'm part dude?

 

Men do have their limits when it comes to having talks and their attention span can waver. I found it very helpful, in the first couple years of my relationship, to write letters which I would either put in the mailbox or send in an e-mail. I wrote them in order to get my feelings out properly and without any expectation that we would ever even discuss what I wrote. It was very cathartic, but I do recommend never writing and sending in haste. Hmmm...I guess I'm also a bit on the Victorian side also!