For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

Hey everyone and happy almost-weekend! I popped in to confess that I borrowed trying2breathe's idea ;D That's the sincerest form of flattery, right?

 

So I loved the idea of gifting a massage, especially a couple's massage, but after reading trying2's post about giving her NG a massage just for him for part of his birthday, I reconsidered. My NG commented today that he got some accolades at work and has been doing very well. We had this thing going last year about who would get the best gifts and prizes from the other (and he definitely won with the indigenous jewelry he got for me during his work trip and the other pieces he got me for Christmas), so I texted him and said in celebration of all the good stuff, maybe he'd let me get him a pro massage sometime next month (usually his massages come from me and I do all right but I'm no pro). As much as I'd like to do the couple's thing, I have to agree trying2 -- giving something just for him will mean so much more. And give me an excuse to go get my own massage  :D

 

I am already scheduled for my next archery lesson on Saturday. Even though I can't yet afford to get my own equipment, I am going to ask prices when I get there. Hoping by mid-November to do so! Make it a good one, everybody!

[Captains wife]

Archery sounds awesome - good for you ! Won't it be nice when we can all get that "level"/"place" in our new relationships that we can just plan holidays together (like Thanksgiving) and not wonder if we are going to spend them alone ? Chapter 2 = fun but not easy...

 

My son and I were supposed to have company for Halloween (i.e. NG joining us) - I HATE going to the town parade alone - and we were ultimately pushed aside as my NG's ex agreed to let him come trick or treating on her night with their son. Sigh....

 

 

[arneal]

Thanks, Captains wife: archery has become a great outlet for sure. So sorry about your Halloween

 

I think I've figured out part of the deal with NG -- he iis such a home body. I sent a text to ask him how he was doing and if he wanted to meet up and he told me he he wanted very much to see me but was fighting a cold. I took him some soup, some Halloween candy (a bag of miniature bars), and my shaker to mix him a good tonic to knock out the cold. We watched some tv, talked, and snuggled. A good evening. I texted when I got home and he thanked me for taking care of him I won't be a pest but get it that I will have to be the one to nudge a bit. He mentioned he's got quite a bit of overtime coming but it sounds like we are going to do Thanksgiving. I will probably ask next week what the specific plan is; he was irritated that his daughter hadn't been cleaning the kitchen, so we'll see if my kitchen is on again this year like it was last year. I've already got a plan to be away between Christmas and New Year's to go and see my mom, so there's that. I mentioned it on Saturday but didn't get too deep. Time ...

[arneal]

Hope everyone had a safe Halloween! I just got back from raiding the sale rack at the market for a bag of marked down candy corn and some butter cookies shaped like ghosts, bats, and pumpkins 

 

So I had a jealousy moment and had to put myself in check. LH's cousin is like a sister to me; she has been widowed multiple times as well and we are about the same age. We talk often and she recently told me about a friend of hers who had expressed interest in becoming more. She's known him for a while and as she talked, I figured it was becoming more than friendship for her too. Sure enough, a few days after our conversation, she texted me to say that he was going to a family function with her and then later that night, she texted me photos of the two of them, saying they were officially a couple. I am very happy for her since I worried a lot about her after her daughter moved out (the daughter and her husband and their baby lived at my cousin's place for a while but then moved out) because she works a crazy shift and I was always concerned about her coming in at late hours by herself.

 

Then in a conversation with my mom (not the first one), she again asked me to send her a photo of me and NG. We haven't taken any photos together and I still feel weird suggesting it. That request, combined with my cousin's news, flared up the jealous thing. The reality of the matter is my cousin has known this man for years and he has expressed his desire to be closer to her for several of those years. He's already said his plan is to marry her. But all that has developed over an extended period. I completely understand it. But it doesn't make the want to be closer to my NG any less ... I got over it, but ugh. Okay, confession over. 

[trying2breathe]

Halloween goodies, yum!  Spent Halloween evening out at dinner, my neighborhood sadly has no trick or treaters and I realize that I miss being at the door giving out candy.  Might plant myself at my brother's house next year, where they host a cul-de-sac party, get dressed up and make a big event of it.

 

arneal  Re. cousin's relationship - this makes you realize what you want and things aren't moving quickly enough for you.  Is NG the right one for you?  All in good time, I guess - it's taken a long time for my relationship to get to a comfortable place, and yet still to me we're not quite there yet.  Would it feel comfortable getting a photo of you with NG? If it's important to you, go for it!

[arneal]

It's so funny, trying: I have never been a fast mover. In my heart, I know we are a 'thing'. I've never been hung up on labels and I think the difference is that I lived with my previous two husbands for a good while before we got married. We also saw each other every day, so things kindled more quickly. Like I said, it's not that my cousin just found this relationship -- her and her NG probably have known each other for 15-20 years or so; her LH and her were friends for about the same amount of time before settling into a relationship. NG's texts to say he wishes I was there or that he really wants to see me say a lot because a few months ago I wouldn't have expected to see anything like that, so I know things are progressing. I have been thinking of maybe aiming for a photo op during the holidays, especially since my plan is to go see my mum -- I can throw it in as an excuse: she hears me talk about him and she wants to see him so let's take a photo together so she knows I haven't made him up  ;D

[klim]

oh I'm a photo all the time person, so me with  a NG picture might happen by the third date...doesn't mean it's permanent or serious, it just means this is who I'm hanging out with at the moment.

Most of my pictures are intiated when we are out and about doing something different or going somewhere new. I just take them with my phone and it's usually ,"oh the sun on the lake looks so cool ,I think I get a shot of it....hey come here we can take a pic together"  Maybe you can do something like that and it will feel more casual...or just create the need and do as you said that you talk about him and people have asked to see a pic..

 

[arneal]

Funny -- I have avoided the camera most of my life. I did a boot camp at a local gym a few months after LH died and they insist on taking photos. Part of the deal was that we would post on social media so I was thrust into the spotlight lol! I take photos now but of me or my dogs doing what we do. Out of all the time I've known NG, he's taken maybe two photos of himself -- one with his granddaughter (and it might have been from before we met) and one of him and his buddy (that one I know is recent). The others are ones from some time ago, which also has made me hesitate. I did one time mention we should jump in the photo booth that was outside this movie theatre we went to but when we came out it was being used and neither of us wanted to wait around for it. If no opportunities pop up at the holidays naturally, I will most likely ask if we can take one so I can show my mom

[tybec]

I hate pics of myself.  Always have.  And my son has picked up on it.  SO, I am taking a few selfies here and there, usually when I get my hair done.  I post, and I am sure it is strange for folks to see, but I am practicing liking a pic of me.  HEADSHOT.

 

NG had me and my son at the 4th of July party his father put on, and it was big family affair.  His dad hired a professional photographer.  NG asked me to if I would take a pic. I was not prepared.  I declined.  It is a prideful thing, a bad thing.  I am working on it. 

 

So, very brave of you Arneal to take the pics!  Especially boot camp.  I am going to hit the gym as a goal.  I keep telling myself to just do it.  I never thought I would have to worry about my fitness/weight, and life has a funny way of humbling you.  I will set a goal.

 

 

[arneal]

Same here, tybec -- as I've mentioned, I do quite a bit of reading on dating and how to be 'successful' at it. One of the things the so-called experts keep hammering home is that it is important we have our own lives beyond the desire to be with that special someone. We come across as needy if we're always sitting at home, doing nothing. People who know me know that I am an introvert; I could stay in the house every day, all day, and never go anywhere for weeks at a time. I am comfortable in my own space. However, after LH died, I looked at the scale, which wasn't much different than it had been all my life, but was sick of it. A friend of mine was a manager at a local fitness place and I saw her post on social media; in all I had been through I had no idea of her weight struggles. She looked fantastic so I asked her what she'd done. She invited me to an orientation and after hearing her story and the story of one of the trainers, I was in tears. I signed up immediately. I continued for a year after the six-week boot camp but can't afford it anymore. I have a membership to a different local gym but have not been going -- menopause is kicking my butt with aches and pains. However, stretching and balance are my daily exercises these days and the gym I belong to is building a location about two miles from me, so by the end of this year or beginning of next, I will be more regular again. I weigh about what I did nearly 30 years ago and that was after all sorts of drastic and unhealthy behaviors. Now, I tend to eat what I want and just try to live life as best I can.

 

Taking photos is something I started because of the gym but after reading the whole 'have a life' thing, I kept it up. Vain? Yep -- once NG and I connected on social media, I started posting photos of my goings-on more frequently. He sometimes comments or gives a thumbs up, but more often than not, he'll say something when we see each other. I hate taking my own photos but it's nice to get his attention from time to time; I have more chance of getting a 'like' on a photo than I do of getting a face to face compliment about an outfit  ;D

[Needytoo]

Is there a book called "have a life"? 

 

I remember going through the photo books after my husband passed and noticing I had pictures of him, the kids and him with the kids but not so many pictures of myself.  I was always the one taking the pictures. At the time I didn't realize what a hidden life we had. It does bother me to think that my kids might think why isn't their pictures of Mom after I pass.  Now I try to have more pictures taken of myself, and it does feel a little weird.  Last year even had a professional photographer take pictures of the boys and I. Sadly I don't think there is one picture of all of us. 

 

I take a lot of pictures our NG and our adventures and a few selfies of us.  I see the importance of this now. Not sure why I was so clueless before.

 

I totally agree Arneal that we need our own lives.  My life before centered around my husband, kids, and work. I had no hobbies and really no friends.  When he passed and realizing that you had no one was hell. Then finding yourself and friends was a challenge but I am so thankful that I put the effort in. Now having NG in my life is pretty damn good but I know there will always be new challenges and I am pretty sure I can take it on.  I am also ready to ask for help and very thankful for all of you. 

 

TGIF!!  Off to NG's hunting camp tonight.  It is going down to -7C tonight and snow is in the forecast.  It is going to be great.  Have a great weekend everyone.

[trying2breathe]

Oh yes, have a life outside of the desire for that special someone - I've tried hard at this the past few years, mainly because for a long time there was no special someone.  Now that I have somebody, I try hard to keep volunteer activities, hobbies and friends going that doesn't include him.  Should we part, well - my stuff continues.  Makes life interesting too, there's usually plenty to talk about.

 

Every year LH gifted to extended family a calendar for the coming year of our family photographs, mostly of me and the kids. Every Xmas MIL brings up the calendar and how she misses it.  I sadly don't have it in me to keep it going, it just wouldn't be the same.  NG likes taking pics and I usually resist, maybe I should rethink this.  He's a newbie to social media and likes to post pics, so far I've been private with our relationship and don't want to put it out there.  He's ready to post "In a Relationship" and I'm not there yet.  If the pics are kept to ourselves I'm okay with that.

[nextchapter]

"Oh yes, have a life outside of the desire for that special someone - I've tried hard at this the past few years, mainly because for a long time there was no special someone.  Now that I have somebody, I try hard to keep volunteer activities, hobbies and friends going that doesn't include him.  Should we part, well - my stuff continues.  Makes life interesting too, there's usually plenty to talk about."

 

T2B, the above is so true. I do not post often, been meaning to interject this in other topics. Everyone should assess their situation with much internal self-reflection. Jot down 3 to 5 things that really make you happy and pursue those with all your passion. For me one of them was physical fitness (I realized I was always happier when I focused on fitness). I'm well into doing the things I did when I was younger now and have found by doing the things that I love, more people come into my life. All of this happens not because I am looking for someone but because I focus on what makes me happy.

 

2 of the 3 things focused on were not work related at all. Better fitness and more time in nature. As a result, I am most importantly less stressed and appreciate small things a lot more. Also I am told by people I look 20 years younger than I am, which I will definitely take.

 

My thoughts, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, but not in a selfish way. By doing so you will be happier and the people around you will be happier. You will be surprised how much your outlook changes when you focus on just trying to help people around you each day.

 

Your last line "makes life interesting and there is a lot to talk about." Pursue what makes you happy and volunteer on occasion (help people) and there will always be lots to talk about. The good that you do will come back to you 10-fold.

 

Decide what makes you happy and pursue it. EVERYTHING WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF!!

 

 

 

[arneal]

So well-said, nextchapter and glad you popped in! I have always had hobbies; it used to drive my LH a bit nutty because I could happily keep to myself for hours. However, when he did the same thing, it was different, right?  : 

 

I have a couple of photos of 'family' that include 1) me, LH, and my son or2)  me, LH, my son, and his daughter. One was #1 at a friends' wedding and another was #2 at our wedding. There are a few isolated ones of us at events like when we would travel back home and people would take a photo with the two of us. I always hid from the camera. I have one photo with my son's dad holding him; only his hands are visible in the photo. I didn't keep any others I don't think. There might be one in the little photo album but the rest got tossed. My son doesn't ask about his birth dad, doesn't even remember him because he was so young when he died. He was abusive so I am not inclined to tell him much. LH, my second husband, was the only dad my son knew anyway. He has a photo of him. I don't think he has any of me. Interesting to consider it now.

 

I wouldn't mind having 'in a relationship' on social media but in many ways I am not ready to broadcast it. NG still has 'divorced' on his, but he's not big on social media; it took him several months to switch from 'separated' to 'divorced' anyway and I remember he put out a message blocking his ex and asking those who knew her not to tag her on his posts and whatnot. Lots of pain there. He is slowly getting comfy with my social circle; he posts and responds to one of my sister-friends, which is nice to see, sharing in our jokes and such. I expect to ask about taking a photo before I go see my mom. I wonder if he'll want a copy of it?  ;D

[arneal]

Happy Monday -- this whole clock changing thing gets me every time. I was so sleepy by about 6:30 last night but made myself stay up because my dogs have no idea what time it is and I'm trying to get them to adjust as well 

 

I don't know if you heard about the school shooting back in April at Northpark Elementary, where the man came to the school and shot his wife and several others? The wife, a teacher, and one of her students died that day. The school is not far from my house and one of my friends was invited to bring her photo booth to their fall festival on Saturday; they wanted to do something nice and positive for the community after the tragedy. It was a beautiful day -- pony rides, food trucks, face painting, music. My friend didn't have help and so she had asked me several weeks ago to come with her. It was a great day and it felt good to be part of something positive in our community.

 

I was pooped when I got in and was going to take a shower and just veg out on the couch but by the time I settled my dogs and took off my shoes, I saw NG had texted me to ask what I was doing. I had no plans, told him I'd just gotten in and needed to clean up, was willing to come that way but later. He surprised me and said he needed to ride even though the bike tires are not 100%. It was a good Saturday evening; I still got to sit around and watch tv so it was relaxing. Yesterday morning, we get up and it was raining so you know I felt horrible -- little worse than riding a motorcycle on Southern California highways during a rain! I cooked breakfast and we sat around and talked for a bit until the rain let up and he took off. I told him to text me to let me know he got there okay, which he did.

 

Thanksgiving is settled, interestingly. He had gone into the kitchen to get something to drink and I was in the family room; he asks me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving, am I coming to his place. Just like that. I told him what I was thinking of making and it was settled  I said again about going to see my mum around Christmas and he said he wanted to visit his sister, who lives in the northeast as well. I said he should come, but he said he probably wouldn't have that whole week off between Christmas and New Year's as the new guy on the job and would probably be expected to be on call. I left it at that but put it out there. I am hoping to get him in at my friend's massage place next weekend. Might try to drop him off, go to my archery class, and come back since I asked her if he could get a two-hour spot. We'll see  ;D

 

How was everyone's weekend?

[trying2breathe]

Everyone should assess their situation with much internal self-reflection. Jot down 3 to 5 things that really make you happy and pursue those with all your passion. For me one of them was physical fitness (I realized I was always happier when I focused on fitness). I'm well into doing the things I did when I was younger now and have found by doing the things that I love, more people come into my life. All of this happens not because I am looking for someone but because I focus on what makes me happy.

 

2 of the 3 things focused on were not work related at all. Better fitness and more time in nature. As a result, I am most importantly less stressed and appreciate small things a lot more. Also I am told by people I look 20 years younger than I am, which I will definitely take.

 

My thoughts, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, but not in a selfish way. By doing so you will be happier and the people around you will be happier. You will be surprised how much your outlook changes when you focus on just trying to help people around you each day.

 

^^ Agree with this wholeheartedly, next chapter.  I've always been a list maker, and looking back at my grief journal from four years ago as I was trying to get some semblance of a life back together, found 3 things I planned to dedicate myself to.  I'm amazed that I now am doing 2 of those 3 things and am trying to get the 3rd one going.  Volunteering to a cause greater than myself has been the biggest thing that has moved me along in the grief process.  It's been a long journey to get to a place of acceptance in DH's death, finding fulfillment in what I do was a big step in moving forward.  It's taken the death of my spouse to bring clarity and life into more focus, I'll always miss DH but can now say that I'm happier with myself than before.

[Needytoo]

Happy Wednesday everyone. 

 

I love my new relationship with NG. He is practically everything I ever wanted. If I could, I would spend every minute with him. Of course, I know this isn’t rational, after all, we all have careers and our own families.  With DH I really could have been a better communicator I see that.  There were some “toxic” things in our marriage, and I sure don’t want ever to go down that path again. 

 

I have mentioned previous posts NG is going through a divorce and money is tight.  I was footing the bill on things more than he was but now he is making sure we spend things 50/50.  His EX is causing some issues with child custody, and he has been ranting a bit about it.  I am being supportive and listen to him.  This woman got everything she wanted and then more. I was the submissive wife who went 25 years and had a husband that never even bought her jewelry or rarely anything else.  I went twenty years without a Christmas gift, so my kids could have Christmas.  How do I share this with NG?  In a few weeks, it is my birthday. Last year was my 50th birthday, and I celebrated.  Went and saw Adele and had my first birthday cake in 20 years.  It felt great!! He brought up if he had to buy me a present.  I felt so awkward with this and said no I rather spend time with him, but my heart did sink a wee bit.  We then talked about Christmas I suggested instead of Christmas gifts we plan on going away for a few days during the Christmas break and we haven’t talked about since then. 

 

Last night we talked, and he asked if there was anything I needed him to do for me.  I have some plumbing issues at my house, but for some reason, I keep putting off calling a plumber, I know he is good at plumbing, but I just can’t ask him to do it.  I think I am just afraid of him saying no, that I can’t even ask the question.  I have read that you should be asking your partner for help but damn it I am having a hard time with it. 

 

[arneal]

Asking is difficult, isn't it, Needy? How about making it a joint project? If he is handy, maybe you can suggest he teach you how to do a bit of fixing? Working together might be fun; it could also give him the chance to teach you something as well

[trying2breathe]

Needy  It sounds like NG wants to help you out but doesn't know what's needed.  I like arneal's suggestion of a joint project - let him know what the plumbing problems are and ask him to teach you    win/win, you get time together and learn something new, he gets to help you out.

 

I'm sad to hear that you felt neglected in your marriage.  My DH was generous in gifts but less giving with his emotions, and I'm finding that emotional intimacy is what makes me happy right now.  My birthday is tomorrow, and I let NG know that I really don't want anything other than to spend time together.  I suspect that he'll do something more but I will be happy with dinner out and time with him.  It's so hard to communicate feelings, isn't it?  I think intimacy and closeness is built over a period of time, for me it takes awhile to talk about the deeper stuff.

[arneal]

Happy birthday to you both, Needy and trying!

 

Funny, the first marriage was neglectful in all ways, abusive. The first husband didn't give of himself, other than to remind me how much I didn't live up to what he wanted. My second marriage was loving and thrifty; my LH couldn't give much in gifts but he gave of himself fully and taught me how important it is to do that, over and above the 'stuff'. NG has very good taste and is quite giving. We don't talk emotionally but I feel it. I am not so good at talking the emotional stuff and try to show how I feel. Working on it; I've got a plan for what I'd like to say and hope it doesn't come out too mushy  :-[

[Trying]

My first husband was big on gifts but short on emotions and affection.  At some point pretty early on in my relationship with my now DH2 I became pretty honest about what did me did not work in my marriage.  I wanted him to understand that my lack of self esteem was in part due to my first husband's lack of desire for intimacy during the second half of our marriage.  He never told me I was pretty or made me feel desirable.  He never just bought me flowers for no reason or swept me in his arms for a passionate kiss.  His Expensive gifts felt empty.

 

As a result of my honesty my current husband makes a point to voice compliments not just assume they are understood.  He makes me feel beautiful and desirable.  He has even a few times bought me flowers for no reason.  When I say that Imwould rather spend time together doing something special than receive a gift he knows I mean it.

 

My advice is to be honest about what you need from a relationship.  If being spoiled a little with a gift matters because in the past you were hurt by never being treated special then let him know.  Gifts don't need to be expensive to be thoughtful.  Maybe it's too late for this birthday or feels awkward because of how you already responded but at some point you should have this conversation.  Most men want a road map on how to make their woman feel loved and appreciated. 

[arneal]

Well-said, Trying. And it goes both ways, but I think in some cases, it is important to be perceptive to what the person we are with likes. I've asked NG a few times what he would like for different occasions and more often than not he'll shrug or leave it to me. I think in his case, his ex's never did anything for him so whatever it is, he is happy with. I try to remember the foods he likes or dislikes while still being creative in the kitchen. I asked him what he'd like for Christmas and while he told me, the specifics of the item he left for me. It's the saying how I feel more so than showing it that I am working on ...

[Trying]

It definitely goes both ways. DH2 told me early on that his ex didn’t care about traditions and would give him money for birthdays (he was the bread winner).  I happen to love holiday and birthday traditions so that is easy and I do at least a small wrapped gift even if the main gift is a sporting event or concert tickets. Our first dating Christmas I put socks and underwear in a stocking and he was very touched saying no one but his mother ever gave him socks and underwear. It’s the little things.

[klim]

ok guys I'm having a hard time right now 

 

So just going to share and be heard because really I don't have anyone I can share this with.

 

NG and I have a really good time together. We hang out, we go out...it's good. I can get really relaxed and really love him........

 

but then there are times when he does something and I say to myself I can't handle this part of him.

 

so then i wait and see if that feeling disipates and it does.

 

 

Examples : At thanksgiving( Canadian) I hosted a big family dinner and had invited him, he showed up fairly late I don't think he even was sorry . When I asked him about it, he dismissed my concerns. I know now where he was and to me it seems he didn't realize that it was important to me. I didn't appreciate that.

 

i always find that if there is a concern it comes up when we are in public. It's like he has a different persona when we are out and about. Going to be a novice phsychologist here and say that he is fighting with self confidence and tends to blow his own horn when in the presence of others. I like him better when he is just hanging with me and I don't know if I can do anything to curb his  gloating habits when he is out and about ( or whether I should)

 

last point I want to get off my chest is I struggle with balance. I've mentioned before he is needy in the time sense but lately that has eased a little and that's why things have felt better.

 

Now  this week he has had to go to court because his ex won't talk to him to hammer out an agreement.( She wouldn't even try , just went straight to court). I know it's an emotional time because he wanted to do it without the court. I want to be there for him but I also have a son who struggles with depression that I keep a close eye on even though he is away at university. My son contacted me to say he was coming home this weekend,  that he needed to get home.My read on this is that he is not in the best frame of mind. So now I have BF that needs me and A son I think needs me. For me my son comes first.....but I'm trying to find a balance. NG is not highly understanding....

 

it would be easier if  everything was perfect.....cause now I'm always debating whether it's good enough.....cuz parts of it are good.

 

Cheers my freinds just needed to debrief. Thanks for listening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[arneal]

Thank you for sharing, klim. Sounds like you have your hands full. Your description sounds like your NG might have some social anxiety. If it was a self image thing, he'd probably blow himself up a bit even when you all are in private. If he has a reaction to needing to focus on your son instead of on him, that could be a pinch of narcissism.

 

My alarms start going off in these situations because of my own past with an abusive first marriage, plus my master's is in counseling so I tend to analyze quite a bit (as if you all couldn't tell  ;D ). If he dismisses your upset, that's an indication you all need to sit down talk. If he doesn't think showing up on time to your family event is important, indication #2. If he acts in a way that is markedly different in public than he does in private, indication #3. If he pouts because you don't put him first in all things but will put his own needs first over yours (as in he will fidget about needing to go to court but won't allow you the space to care for your son), indication #4.

 

These are major signs it's time for a Come to Jesus conversation: you are not neglecting him or his needs when you need to focus on your son; you are not trying to change him by providing concrete examples of his acting differently in public than in private; you are not trying to dictate his schedule when you ask him to be part of a holiday with family; and you are not trying to tell him how to feel when you express that something he did upset you. If he doesn't like that you have identified these things, you may need to give it all some additional thought. I would suggest perhaps having the conversation as casually as possible in a public place, like a coffeeshop or if you all are out to dinner. I say that to avoid possible outbursts in private, but that's just me talking from my experiences again ...

 

It may be insecurity or it may be more. Better to find out now and suss it out.