For those in budding relationships ...

[Virgo]

Thanks for sharing Arneal and Klim.

 

Of course my NG acted as though nothing had changed. His absence was from illness and stress. He came over the night we talked to get my snowblower running and clear my driveway. Very thoughtful. I didn't realize the reason I had avoided using my snowblower until that moment. Phil was the last to use it, and because of his cancer he could barely push it. It was painful to watch him struggle physically and mentally with a basic task that he had always done. It's interesting to me how small things get tucked away and prevent me from doing certain tasks because of it. Anyway, I'm still not going to plan dates with my NG. I'm letting him initiate. He asked to see me last night, but I already had plans. I volunteered for the local Shop with a Cop. Not my LH's police department, but our local PD. NG mentioned seeing me during his lunch today, so hopefully we'll be able to. 

[arneal]

I hear that, Virgo. I remember when LH first got sick and couldn't mow the lawn anymore. It became my son's and my job. LH hated to see us out there so we would try to do it when he went to the store or was still in bed (as if the sound didn't alert him to what we were up to). The house we moved to after that just had a little patch in front that could be done with a weed wacker, which he did with joy. The house I bought after that had a pretty good sized front and back (the back stopped growing grass after our first dog ate the irrigation back there) so we got someone to do it for us. Not too long before LH died, the guy who was doing it finked out; I think he started only taking contracts from the wealthier households near the country club. Plus his own dad had been ill. However, he drove me bananas because he wouldn't communicate to us what was happening. Just disappeared. I think we owed him a little money too but even though I tried calling after LH died, he never called me back. I have a new person now; he and his wife work together to do the yard. They clean up the back after the dogs for a bit extra as well, which is certainly a savings for me physically. Hated that job lol.

 

Being on this game with NG is funny. Now we are 'talking' every day. I had posted something on social media about hunting gargoyles and he posted back, I guess during his lunch, to say that the game is addictive; I replied that I was having trouble with one particular component and he wrote back that he would help when he got home from work. However, one of the other members we are connected to in the game was online and helped me. When NG got online, he posted in the member game chat that he was home but I had to let him know I'd gotten it sussed out with help from the other member. He played a part of the game with me as well. Cracked me up but it's cool to have a common way to connect more often during the week 

[tybec]

StillWidowed,

 

I read your post and that is what I don't know.  NG is amazing with me.  But when we are apart, it is not good for me. 

 

Christmas is here.  He gets his kids this weekend.  Invited me and son to go with him to his father's for the weekend, but I am going out of town Friday and will be back LATE.  And we need to be back Sunday for my son's Christmas party at youth, important for making new friends since we moved 4 1/2 months ago.  WE could go but I would be messing up his schedule time.  And my son doesn't really want to. They are pure country testosterone males, and they are going shooting and off roading.  WE have been twice and shot  clay pigeons, rifles, handguns and then dove hunting.  My son is not into it at all, nor is my family of males (3 brothers).  I declined to go.

 

We haven't had a date in two weeks, then. Short lunch or dinner plans and home.  And with his kids home for a week, I won't have any adult time, either.  3 weeks. I live in the same town, and it is worse now!  His mother comes in Sunday night and will be here a week. We will get together, but I don't expect much, honestly.

 

I just don't know.  He is still sacred with his time.  He avoided bringing his kids over Sunday to play with my son on video games because he wanted to spend time with them.  So, integrating our families is not happening.  His kids asked to come over and he told them he wanted to be with them, not watch them play games with my kid.  I would think he would be happy they enjoy spending time with my son and have a common interest. 

 

Time.  Precious commodity.  I know, WE all know here.  But then his time with his kids is a precious commodity.  Hypocritical of me to be out of joint because he has been choosing not to see me to have his time with his kids?  He goes to every practice, soccer, swim, any school event, is the pack leader of his boy scouts, attends his church, etc.  So, with two kids, he is locking up almost every night.  Am I petty?  OR {gulp} is he just not that into me?  Am I lacking understanding or compassion?  Or, I need more and it won't work now.  Timing?  I have my son all the time, of course. 

 

OH, my....

[arneal]

So sorry, tybec. NG and I had a conversation early on about narcissism. He mentioned that he came from a very narcissistic family and some years ago, a friend (girlfriend maybe?) pointed out how narcissistic he was. It made him become very introspective and careful. I wonder if those traits ever fully disappear or if they morph into something less personally toxic like being selfish with time. Maybe we all can take a lesson from Virgo and let our NGs come to us while we do our thing. Since you and your son don't have the desire to hunt and all that like your NG and his sons do, is there anything you all can do in common that you all enjoy? If so, maybe it is something to suggest? Otherwise, maybe going on and doing things for you and your son will leave your NG the space to decide what it is he plans to do, or at least to be open to a deeper conversation. Maybe when you have a moment alone and away from others you can say something like, 'Hey, did you realize it's been three weeks since we were alone together -- what should we do about that?'

[StillWidowed]

Tybec,

 

Here was my situation when I dated douchebag (sorry, the reference must stand).  He had kids not much younger than my own.  He was divorced and saw his kids, in my opinion, pretty regularly.  In the beginning, he was all hearts and flowers.  Wanted to see me all the time.  Take trips together, etc.  On one of those trips, he was really down.  When I asked him why, he replied he felt guilty for not spending more time with his kids.  I was like huh?  We'd only been gone for a long weekend.  But whatever I thought.  As our relationship progressed, he started sidelining me more and more.  The kids this, the kids that.  Now mind you, I had a child too.  Any little chance he had to see them, I was benched.  There was no blending our families.  No going with him and his kids to events.  None of that.  It was bullshit.  And I tried to be understanding, and supportive and blah blah blah.  And then finally I decided to call bullshit on it.  Because in my situation, it was bullshit.  I knew that if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me, he would and wouldn't take the chance on losing me.  We had gone back and forth in the past, and he was sure of me.  He just figured we'd get back together down the road.  When I was good and sick and tired of being an option instead of a priority, I called foul on the relationship, dumped him, and meant it.  Of course, he didn't think I meant it.  Until he texted me months later and I told him to not contact me anymore.  Well, wouldn't you know he contacted me again two days ago.  And that's because he knows he'll see me next week for a work related event.  He asked how I was doing and I said great.  He didn't  care how I was doing.  He was simply feeling me out so he'd know how I was going to act towards him next week when we had to see each other.  And guess what?  I'm going to hold my head up high, be cordial and conduct myself like a grown ass woman even tho I'd rather throat punch him. I finally get it!  And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

[tybec]

StillWidowed,

 

Thank you for your post.  I laughed. My LH always said, "I am a GAM." And you said you were a "GAW".  Funny! 

 

I didn't think benched, but yes, that is how it feels. 

 

And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

 

And this ^^.  I KNOW this.  I know this from my husband.  I know this from other married couples.  I have another friend who has pointed out the same thing.  I just keep holding on, waiting. It has been almost 5 months I moved here.  I start a new job in Jan.  I think I need to have some ducks in a row and then make a final decision?  I know.  Pulling off the band aid fast may be best.  I just need to get a network of folks in this new town.  Unless something changes, we are past the infatuation and headed for the real deal, if it is going to be the real deal.  I wish when we were together it wasn't so good.  I will be making big decisions in the new year.   

 

And we have done lots together.  We have gone swimming many times, amusement parks, movies, hiking, caving, zip lining, rappelling, trampoline parks, concerts, and hung out together. I have seen his son in a play and in pine derby races.  I have met all his family in this state and been to his hometown and he has gone to my hometown.  He has met all my brothers, my mother before she passed.  He has attended weddings, church meals with me.  It is slowing down.  Changing.  Maybe that is the problem.  We are in the same town and really need to decide to keep going or not.  Ugghhh

[arneal]

{{{hugs}}} tybec.

[klim]

Ok I'm the opposite and very similar to what you are describing is wrong with your guys.....

 

And again this could relate to where we are in life....

 

I need time with my boys alone,without NG, and I encourage NG to take time with his kids. My boys need to be able to talk freely, something they will not do with NG around....and I suspect that would be true with his kids as well. I mentioned last week we had a night where everyone was together for an extended period of time. It was ok....and I'm trying to see if I can get used to it but seriously I would have rather had time with my boys and then time with NG.

 

Perhaps because they are older and don't depend on me for much, when they need me I want to be there for them. They are old enough that any partner I have, will not join me in co-parenting. I am their only parent. I would like NG to supoort me while I support them.That is what I hope for.

 

I will prioritize their needs over his.....although I try and balance it all but they lost their dad, they are young adults that are trying to figure out life and he is a grown adult who should be capable of realizing that my kids  are my priority.

 

"And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period".

 

If a man was prioritizing me over the needs of his children I would not be impressed. I do not need to be first and formost in everything. I need to be shown love but I'm also an independent person that doesn't constantly need attention.  I won't put up with being pushed aside completely but TYBEC  from all of your descriptions of what you do together and his offering to have you and your son join him on the weekend it doesn't sound like he is pushing you aside.

 

I'm not sure what my point is except I know I'm into my guy but he is not always #1....but I also I work hard at providing what he needs so that he feels loved. I've told him that's the way it's got to be and if he can't handle sharing me then it's not going to work....and so far we're still together.

 

Tybec I wish you clarity to see what's right for you. Nothing in these new relationships is straight forward.

 

 

[StillWidowed]

I'm fiercely independent.  I'm not a whining, nagging woman that has to have his undivided attention 24/7.  What I am is a woman that deserves love, trust, care and respect in a relationship.  Has nothing to do with who he's spending more time with.  Has to do with the fact...is he making me a priority or an option?  And we KNOW when we're not being made to feel loved, nurtured, respected and secure.  If he's pulling away and has less and less time for you....it's not good.  Do things come up in life?  Absolutely.  But that's not what I'm talking about and I think we all know it.  We know when we have that nagging feeling that he just doesn't have both feet in the relationship.  And while I was patient and loving and gracious and forgiving, he simply took and took and gave back less and less and less.  Yes, we've been devastated by loss.  We've had our whole worlds turned upside down.  And yes, it takes time to heal.  And some of us might feel insecure and vulnerable and afraid.  But a REAL man will nurture those things, love those weaknesses and not exploit them.  He will make you feel loved and secure.  And while we'll make mistakes in this grief journey, we'll also learn from them.  We'll make better choices and realize that having a partner again isn't always the happily ever after.  Sometimes the happily ever after is healing, peace and joy in this new life and helping those that will come up behind us.

[arneal]

^^^^^^This. StillWidowed, well-said.

[Forgottenwife]

Oh, I see myself here, but I admit that I was on the other side. I made my kids the number one priority all the time. I am now living with my NG, but I look back when we were still living apart and I did some things that could easily be interpreted as me not prioritizing my NG.

 

I once changed a plane ticket to watch my kids' sports game, and I met my then boyfriend on vacation later. I would keep my phone with me ON DATES and dropped everything when my kids called. I could go on and on about this. Now, hearing from others how this feels, I see how my actions could be really hurtful to my partner. I am not trying to defend myself, just offering an explanation. My version was that my kids had been through so much, I needed to be there whenever they needed me. I wanted them to know I would always put them first. There's more of course... my husband (their Dad) killed himself while my son was on the field so I never missed a game, ever.

 

Self reflection is hard. My therapist was surprised that my NG tolerated my actions. I have no problem saying that I love my NG very much. He is kind and funny and I am quite happy in my new life. I would be sad to know he felt neglected or that I just didn't care about his feelings. I was trying to juggle it all - take care of my own heart, apply balm on my kids' trauma, fall in love with this amazing man, figure out finances, all the stuff life had given me. I see now how lucky I am that my guy stuck around. Just offering my perspective.

 

All that said? Trust your gut. You deserve to be adored.

 

[StillWidowed]

Then let me say this.  I didn't get into a relationship until I COULD give the man priority and not constantly drop everything for my child.  I took time to grieve and heal.  I felt it was only fair to the person I was going to be with.  I tried dating too soon, realized I wasn't being fair to the other person, and decided to wait.  What I'm talking about is two people that come together, are ready for the responsibilities and commitment that a relationship requires, but then one of them decides they aren't as invested as they thought, but still wants the other person around as an option.  THAT kind of mind fuckery is what I'm talking about.  The kind that is selfish and only thinks of itself at the expense of the other person.  We make excuses in the beginning, or don't heed the red flags and wind up more and more emotionally invested.  All along, the other person is well aware of this, yet won't reciprocate the feelings and instead will throw crumbs when only a loaf is deserved. 

[Needytoo]

I will admit I didn't always put my husband first, it was the kids who I put all my energy in. My marriage was far from perfect, I see my mistakes. My kids are older and they need to find their own way.  I want to put NG first but also know it is very important to keep your friends for support.

 

NG promised his father on his death bed that he would take care of his Mother and he lives with her. She is one fantastic lady but I feel I am second sometimes.  I don't want us to live together right now because my kids are still not so great with the idea of an NG in my life but one day hell yes I want to live with this man.

 

NG's ex is denying access to his kids right now and I have been very supportive. Trips to the lawyers and family councilors etc. He faced the truth that he wasn't going to see his kids over Christmas and we made plans on going to visit my sister and go to some museums.  I was really looking forward to it. Today he got a call from Children's Aid and then a call from his lawyer.  She wants him to have the kids for all of the Christmas break.  Guess she found a new boyfriend and she wants some alone time. 

 

Our plans are finished. It is great he gets to see his kids, but I just can't stop feeling now I am coming in fourth. 

 

Another lonely Christmas for me.

[arneal]

Needy -- I am glad for your NG that he gets his children for Christmas but my heart aches for you. I will be traveling starting on Christmas day so I have invited myself to NG's house on Saturday and have bought some of the supplies he needs to make this dish he's been bragging about for a couple months. I didn't ask him to make it but bought the stuff, texted a photo of it, and asked if it was enough for the recipe and what time I needed to be there for him to cook ;D

 

It seems that some people have one-track minds. It isn't that they don't care about the other stuff going on or the people involved, but they are not capable of expending energy on more than one (potentially) emotionally involving thing at a time. Dealing with a crazy ex along with the desire to be with your children, coupled with a promise to care for a relative is a lot, especially around the holidays if your NG remembers the promise particularly at this time of year. He may not be able to contain all that along with wanting to make himself happy with you in the relationship. I hope that doesn't sound harsh?

 

Maybe you can do something special with him before actual Christmas day or make plans to do something together after. Remember -- it's actually just a day. We can give and show the love of the Creator of the Universe every day {{{hugs}}}

[trying2breathe]

This time of year for me is bringing on complexities and emotions, lots of figuring out who spends time together, when and where.  It was complicated before being widowed, more so now with NG.  Needy - my heart aches for you too.  Sorry that you're feeling left out, hopefully you can find some time to spend together with NG to connect and sort out some of these emotions.

 

I look forward to Christmas, but honestly will be happy to have this over with and get back to some sense of normalcy. NG and I won't see each while family is here visiting - his kids and mine, my in-laws, and a slew of other visiting family.  I may not meet his daughters as planned, seems that they're curious but not yet ready to meet Dad's new love interest.  Ugghh - can't we just fast forward right on to New Years?!?!  :

[tybec]

Needy and Trying2breathe,

 

Thanks for sharing although it is a hard situation you both are dealing with currently.  My posts have been about similar things.

 

My NG has not been to my house in 3 weeks.  He has his kids currently.  I went to a church service Sunday night called, "When Christmas Hurts."  It was helpful to hear about the holidays being so hard, and pretending and/or isolating being  our go-tos.  I know all this but I am the one dealing with it now. I start a new job Jan. 2.  I am going to some training as I can.  I am trying to think about NEW year, and new life.

 

Yes, the sharing of time is hard.  I don't have an answer.  Arneal, you hit it.  I think NG is unable to emotionally manage it all, his relationships with his sons, the court pending and then me.  I had been holding off on searching out new relationships, knowing the more I move away from us as a couple.....well the more I move away.  I think I will have to do so for my own sanity, emulating to my son, and growth.  And if our relationship continues, then it works.  I feel like the garden.  NG is cultivating his garden of his children and it is good.  But I am the flowers wilting from no attention/nurturing.  And if he can't learn to spread the care, I'll die out/not be there anymore.  I don't know any other way to state that.  It just is.

 

So, NG gives his kids over to his ex on Christmas Eve and then is available!  But I am hurt and lonely and feel like option C.  Not sure how all that will come together. 

 

I understand the complexities.  I am grieiving my mother's death from Nov.  so the holiday is just a time to get through, like you said T2B.

[klim]

ok reading through everybody's scenerios is making me feel like the complexities of this time of year that I am feeling are normal in our abnormal situations.

 

i thought I'd figured out what would work for me but I know it doesn't feel perfect for BF

 

Christmas eve BF and I have CHristmas....but I go home to sleep

Christmas morning I have time with my Boys( young men) alone..stockings.. presents

CHristmas dinner BF , sons and I head to my sisters for large family gathering.

 

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

 

Is that ok...opinions please?

 

 

[Portside]

 

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas eve/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

 

Is that ok...opinions please?

 

Klim, of course I don't know what is going on entirely but if I was your NG, I would want to be with you/your fam on Christmas morning.

 

My family is complicated. Kids scattered all over, strained relationships with a few sibs, my wife is very ill. But even with all that, I have a standing invitation for anyone that would be alone on Christmas eve/day to come. Two sailors and one Marine are here now - I didn't know them until yesterday. They leave tomorrow but I'm sure others will be here.

 

Yes, it's nice to have that family time, but for us, a shared family experience is to make others feel welcome during this season.

 

Just a thought - good luck and Merry Christmas!!

 

Mike

[trying2breathe]

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

 

Is that ok...opinions please?

 

I think that what is okay is what feels right for you.  The dynamics of a relationship and one where children are involved is complicated.  My NG might be alone as his daughters are opting to be with their stepmother at her new fancy high-rise apartment for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  This breaks my heart as NG paid for their airfare,  his house has been decorated in anticipation of their visit and he's planned Christmas dinner.  I'm upset over this but am choosing to not say anything to him  :-[  don't feel it's my place to get into the dynamics of this, especially where an ex is involved.  I've been one to invite those that are alone for Christmas, and I'm torn on whether to invite him to my house for Christmas as my in-laws will be here and they're uncomfortable with my new relationship. I think that it would be very awkward for all of us if were here, unfortunately.

 

Arggh - New Years can't get here soon enough!!

[arneal]

 

BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys.

 

Is that ok...opinions please?

 

klim -- it is good for you to have deep feelings about this. I love Portside's response about being open to the invitation. Maybe you can spend time with NG after you are with your children? Plan some time for just the two of you?

 

I have mixed feelings about the holidays. First marriage took my enjoyment of Christmas, decorating, and all that. I learned to appreciate the day for more than that, to celebrate it internally, spiritually, as a survivor of abuse. My son didn't seem to care about the decorating but was interested in the gifts (at almost 23, he is almost the same way lol). Second husband loved Christmas but tempered his desire to decorate for me. In later years together, I did start putting up a wreath on the door (put it on today, in fact). It's just me and my dogs in the house, so no tree or lights. NG moved earlier this year and thinks he forgot their tree; he seemed sad about it but more so that it will be, as he described, a 'light' Christmas. Not sure if he means as far as how much he has to spend on gifts or that his daughter and granddaughter won't be around. Like you, trying2, I am not asking. I will take a small gift (I am thinking a gift card) for his daughter though. As an only child, I don't think much about whether I will have anyone to spend holidays with. As LH got sicker, holidays were like any other day -- how well will he feel, will he want to eat if I cook, will the gift make him feel any better. I enjoyed exchanging gifts with NG last year and will enjoy whatever time I spend with him this year. More importantly, I will enjoy time with my mom when I travel. It will be nice to have some time to myself, without chores around the house or job duties to attend for a few days. I would love to spend more time with NG but he will only be off on Christmas day since where he works isn't closed between then and New Year's. It will be what it is and I plan to enjoy it. I pray for safe travels to and from. Beyond that, I'm not thinking too hard.

 

I pray that everyone, no matter how you spend it, has a wonderful holiday and look forward to your updates as you are able to pop in here. I will of course be traveling with one of my computers since I will have to check in and update attendance for my students and because I am quite deep in the online game NG got me into  ;D

[Needytoo]

Thanks everyone for your comments, the "new" relationship thing definitely can be challenging and so rewarding all at the same time.  My feeling right now are hurt and it is hard to stay rational with all of this.

 

NG texted me late afternoon asking if I would like to go out for supper with him and his Mother.  I said yes but I had to do some things beforehand. I had to run to my local post office to pick up some parcels and do some other errands, just the drive time would be one hour.  After picking up my mail I opened up some Christmas cards, and of course, there had to be a card full of pictures of my DH.  The day before I was also hit with some emotional stuff with boyfriend and some other stuff so my "sensitive trigger part" was about to erupt.  I called NG told him I was about to drive back into town and he said well maybe we can just meet at the restaurant.  I took this as I am not waiting for you, so I said fine why don't you just enjoy your evening. He said let me talk to Mom and call you back.  Just those words ripped at my heart, put second again.  He called and said they would wait for me.  As I was driving into town I just cried and cried. 

 

We had supper and his Mom asked him to drive her to the library on Thursday, he said of course.  We were supposed to go to a potluck supper at one of my friend's tonight, guess he forgot.  Later I was helping him wrap his presents so I asked if he was coming to the potluck, he said no.  Then he asked what next adventure were we going to do together, I said let's wait on planning anything.  Afterall it sure seems anything we plan doesn't seem to work out.  We are both off work at noon on Friday and he wanted to do something in the afternoon I told him I was having my dishwasher fixed. Again something he said he would look at but never has.  (don't want to take advantage of him but when you say you are going to do something and time and time again don't I get the picture).  My snowblower doesn't work right now. NG is a heavy duty mechanic and keeps saying he will look at it, but hasn't.  There is a local shop that will repair it but I need a truck to get it there. NG has a truck but I just can't ask him to help me, I just can't take the constant refusal. So now I have to pay an extra fee for them to pick it up. 

 

Again, I am in a situation where I have no idea how to take things.  I know his ex-took advantage of him and still tries, I don't feel I ask enough of people in my life and have no clue what is right and what isn't. He is going through his own stuff right now and I do understand that but I am feeling so hurt right now. 

[arneal]

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Needytoo. Question: does NG know that you are feeling sensitive right now? I mean, it is never easy to tell someone when we are vulnerable, but isn't that what relationship is all about? If you are unsure about him, then I get it about keeping such deep feelings to yourself. However, if you two have made some level of commitment to one another, it seems time to open up a bit? Yeah, it's his mom. If he had come to you beforehand and said he needed to do something for her but would love to meet up with you asap after, would you have been accepting of that? You might tell him.

 

On the other hand, if you aren't sure but want to give him some sort of chance, pull back as you are. Do your thing. Call the company and have them pick up and repair your snow blower. Hell, rent a truck and have a neighbor help your wrestle it on. Whatever you need to do to handle your stuff. I think I mentioned my sedan that broke down last year? I needed to put it in my garage until I could get it repo'ed. I used my new (to me) vehicle to push it in there myself, rather than asking NG to help me. I am not ready to let him into my financial situation that deep yet. Like your NG, he has had the experience of being taken advantage of by ex's and I am not trying to push those buttons. I asked NG to look at my garage door opener, which he did. I also asked if he would put up a light for me on the garage; he hasn't (there are extenuating circumstances -- he would need his work truck but the company he works for now has gps on their vehicles and I live like 40 miles away from him so they would know lol), even though I bet I have what he would need to put it up. I am considering going out and putting it up myself today or tomorrow and not saying anything. I have an event coming in January and I plan to invite NG to it but suspect because of his work hours that he won't be able to come. And that's okay. I am going to go and be fabulous, then post pictures on social media

 

We love, but we must live and be healthy as well.

[Needytoo]

I think he must, I got a little rude last night when we were talking on the phone and he said that they weren't waiting for me.  He asked me last night what was wrong and I told him I wasn't ready to discuss it.  After all, he is dealing with his own stuff. He does know that my late husband wasn't always there for me and has told me he is there for me. An easy thing to say.

 

Sure feeling like the Grinch.

[arneal]

So sorry, Needytoo. Remember -- we don't live in each other's heads. You are right -- he may think he is there for you because his concept of that may be different from yours. Calling and generally staying in touch might be his way of 'being there' while actually being there is yours  ???

 

Nah, you aren't being a Grinch. Or maybe you are: the Grinch had a very big heart, after all.

 

It may be prudent, if this connection is worth it, to wait until after the holidays to have a deeper conversation.

[Needytoo]

Yesterday ended up being a little different.  One of my friends was having a Winter Solstice Party she invited me and NG, I just assumed NG wasn't coming and texted my friend and told her I would be arriving early since I was flying solo. 

 

NG text me at noon letting me know he is getting his kids for most of the holidays.  I am happy for him, hopefully, now they can get the all of this straighten out with the visitation  A few hours later he asked when I was going over to my friend's and I told him I would head over right after work, he then told me he wanted to go as well so I asked if he wanted me to wait for him so we could go over together or did he just want to drive himself (thought I would give him that option since he didn't want to wait for me the night before) he said he wanted me to wait for him and if I could bring his Mom to the library so he didn't have to.  I agreed and picked up his Mom after work, she said she was surprised that he was going out since he said earlier in the day he would be home for supper. I also told her I was surprised since I thought I was going solo. I even asked him, why the last minute change and he said he knows he has to do more of things I like.  We did have a great time.  Another friend at the party invited me over Saturday night and I said yes, and NG on the drive home was a little upset because he thought I would be spending the evening with him and his kids.  Oh well, I think it is for the best the kids need time with their father. 

 

We are both off work at noon today and he wants to come over to my place before picking up his kids.  I said sure but I have a repair guy coming in that is fixing the dishwasher and a friend that is coming by to look at my snowblower.  Took your advice Arneal and dealing with my stuff.