trying2breathe Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Agree with jgib, think about dating both however if you do don't keep it a secret that you're seeing somebody else too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Thanks for the feedback ladies. I was doing a lot of over thinking last night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 Agreed with other comments here, Virgo, even though I couldn't bring myself to do it lol. I have mentioned that I do a lot of reading about relationship stuff and one thing that keeps coming up is that 'it is not official until it is', meaning unless you and the other person have explicitly stated you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you aren't. As trying2 said though, it's not about keeping secret that you are seeing other people. Honesty is best -- saying that I am going places like movies and dinner with other people because we aren't exclusive is as honest as it gets and isn't wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 My NG came over today and helped me with my dryer since my friend kept cancelling on me. He was so sweet about it last night. He said, "it sounds like it's making you anxious. Let me help you with that." Even the mundane task of cleaning out my dryer venting was fun with him. We went to the store for a vent cleaning kit too. We're always laughing, joking, very playful. The other guy knew about my dryer and basically said, "good luck with that. Hopefully it doesn't start on fire." Well...thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Agreed with other comments here, Virgo, even though I couldn't bring myself to do it lol. I have mentioned that I do a lot of reading about relationship stuff and one thing that keeps coming up is that 'it is not official until it is', meaning unless you and the other person have explicitly stated you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you aren't. As trying2 said though, it's not about keeping secret that you are seeing other people. Honesty is best -- saying that I am going places like movies and dinner with other people because we aren't exclusive is as honest as it gets and isn't wrong. We haven't really labeled our relationship, but we discussed dating exclusively before he shutdown those two weeks. I think we should have that conversation again soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I appreciate your comments and sharing. I am just so messy with this relationship. It is going on 2 years. So, still budding? But we lived 1 1/2 hrs. apart until Aug. 2017. We spent so much time together over the NYE weekend and week, and then NG had his kids. Nothing. He invited us to a Monster Jam thing, but my son and I are not into it and it cost a lot. So declined. He still plans things for his boys and invites us. Not so much of let's talk about it ahead of time. I see why he did this, as they love it. I took my son to rock climb with his new friend here. And a family from our previous town came for a swim meet, and we had a late lunch together, so it was a good weekend for us. We joined a health club together, so work outs planned, 3 times a week, but I know he won't make it. He is now in custody battle mode. Reviewing his notes, hiring a private investigator to watch her schedule as she works a lot now due to a promotion, and he wants to know how much time she leaves the kids with her parents or others, versus letting him have them, which he could. 2 months of this. I am dealing with my new job. Exciting and scary. I am dealing with my mother's estate. And her and my taxes are now up and coming. And I rented my house this weekend after it hasn't sold. So much, too. Gosh, what to do about NG and me? WAit it out? Take what time I can get? Let him go to be with his boys and pursue what he believes is the best course for him and them? I never have "broken up" with anyone. I married my high school sweetheart. UGHHHH.... My kid is doing well, but 14 is a hard age. Trying to make sure he is good, too. I read some articles on dating a divorced man with kids, some with 50% custody. All the women state the same: you are always on the back burner, kids are first, and you fit in. UNTIL the man decides he wants you incorporated. Can you wait? Some women do, some have not. My NG talks long term, but our version of long term is not the same. A couple years or a decade? Wow....... Thanks for just having an ear. I know there are no easy answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I read some articles on dating a divorced man with kids, some with 50% custody. All the women state the same: you are always on the back burner, kids are first, and you fit in. UNTIL the man decides he wants you incorporated. I'm not so sure the articles have covered all possibilities. Can it not be BOTH children and SO are first? It truly does not have to be either/or if both partners want it that way. And perhaps, there's the rub. I only know what worked for me - we are all different of course with differing wants, personalities, and situations. But for my now wife and myself, we combined events just like a married family - meaning, sometimes (for example) we all went to a soccer practice, sometimes we didn't. If certain events were important to one of us, but not the other, then we jointly decided what to do. Sometimes we insisted all were present for something, sometimes not. You get the idea - it was a rolling give and take with all having input but my SO and me making the final decision. We "teamed" it early on and our kids learned that right away - and adjusted. A slight veer from the above topic: Here is my unvarnished take on the situation: I fear much, if not most, of NG's attention is devoted to the ex and the situation there. How could it not be? It sounds like it's a mess. I'm not sure he can give the new family (yours and his, together) the concentration it needs. Two years seems to be a long time to me to not have hashed this out completely. For any relationship to be fully healthy, each of you must be all in. Until that happens, it may remain a bit rocky. Good luck! - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 tybec Agree that it's not so much a budding relationship at 2 years. It is interesting how complicated things continue to be despite having more time with somebody, I foolishly thought that time would begin to make things a bit easier in establishing a new relationship. You now know how it is with him and his kids, the struggle that he will have with the custody battle and time available for you. Are you willing to stick around through all of this? You've got a heckuva lot on your plate, to add relationship stress to it is a lot. I think of a good relationship as a soft place to land in a tough world. Is he this for you, despite the struggles? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 Hey all -- not to abandon this conversation in the least, but as trying2 mentioned, some of our conversations are beyond budding. I started a new thread called 'Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ...' to get into what it means to be working toward stronger commitments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I decided not to date both guys. I would rather focus on NG and see where that goes. I really enjoy spending time with him. I think the other guy and I are better as friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Sounds like you developed good boundaries here, Virgo -- excellent for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 It does hurt doesn't it Virgo where you hear these comments that NG isn't really going to help you with anything. I know we should be able to "deal" with our own stuff but it does feel good to have a partner that is willing to help you. NG has really stepped up in many ways but of course there is always a but.... he has opened up the conversation of us living together, but he feels it isn't going to be for another 3 years. He is living with his Mother and she is widowed as well and he can't abandon her. My sons are still at home but hoping they venture out into the real world soon, and I am not sure if I want to wait 3 years and what if it is longer than 3 years? His ex is NUTS, do I want this issue in my life? All of this stuff we have discussed but right now no solution. NG says he wants to help me out. Well, my snow blower still isn't running but it hasn't been an issue since it doesn't snow when it is -40C but I need to get it up and running. NG knows about my snowblower, but still hasn't offered to help me (he is a mechanic). Tomorrow I told my sons that NG is sleeping over (first time). Thing is I have three other guys that have offered to come and look at my snowblower and I know each of them if NG comes over at the same time they will say something to him. I know this sounds so "high school" but I welcome suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Needy Hmmm - wonder why NG isn't stepping up with the snowblower. Is he aware that there really is a problem with it? Seems like it would be a relatively easy fix for him to take care of it. I'd certainly take one of the other guys up on the offer, should they say something to NG all the better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Ok wids, don't kill me, but in these rocky, tumultuous relationships, what's the payoff? There is always something you're getting out of it. When I was in my shit show of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, my payoff was that if I kept hanging in there, he would finally and suddenly combust into a better person and all my patience, giving and time invested would finally pay off. And I had a lot of the same issues mentioned in these posts. When I finally realized that he was NEVER going to change and he'd ALWAYS have a reason or excuse, the healing began. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 Good point, StillWidowed -- what you describe is not about the NG, it is about us. What are we willing to put up with? I think of a woman in my congregation who prayed for her husband for more than 50 years ... he did change his life. Granted, he was not negative in any way toward her in all that time but had some things going on that required divine intervention It took that amount of time for him to come to a place of change. When the story was told, the comment was when we think we are struggling to hang in there with something or someone after a month or two, think of the Biblical woman with the issue of blood (I think she went on for 12 years?) or this woman in the congregation who went on for more than 50 ... That's not to say that we should go on when we are essentially being neglected or abused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Arneal im not even sure I'm following you. Marriage is one thing but staying with a boyfriend that is not building a loving, nurturing, caring relationship with you but instead is usually making you feel like an option instead of a priority with a few nice moments sprinkled in here and there is NOT a healthy relationship and the flush handle should be pulled. Or else it becomes harder and harder to leave the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tybec Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 StillWidowed, Not that you are speaking TO me, but you spoke to me I moved out of this section as I am not "budding" at two years. But I hear what you are saying, and that is the conundrum. After only dating and marrying one guy ever, what is ok and not okay for me? But I married at 21 yrs. old, and I am approaching 50, with a teen son, losing both parents, new job, new home, new city, etc. So many changes, and NG has as much going on, too. Balance is key. I want the romantic notion of he will follow me to the ends of the earth to have me (which is what DH did), but reality is blending is tough. I hear you and appreciate your comments. Truly am searching for the new me and what I want in a new relationship. I want the courage to leave if needed, and I want the courage to stay if it is a worth while. Discernment...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 tybec, I agree. Dating as an older adult is different than dating as a young adult. I married my LH at 19, met when we were 16. We basically grew up together. No responsibilities. Everything we earned we did so together. No past relationships. No ex drama. No blending families. It's just different. I'm not saying it should be extremely difficult now, but we can't expect it to be like it was before. I think we will all know when we're done. When the relationship just isn't moving forward. I'm not settling for less than what I deserve. I had a great night with my NG. He invited me over for dinner and to watch the Vikings game. I'm still smiling. We talked a lot, deep conversations. I told him my LH's birthday is the 28th, and he died a week after on February 4th. February 4th is the Superbowl. My LH and I are/were Vikings fans. I like that I'm comfortable talking about my LH with him and he always gives me positive feedback. Most of the guys I've dated got uncomfortable or gave me a blank stare. I was telling him I was debating a Superbowl party if the Vikings make it. Normally my girls and I celebrate my LH's birthday and ignore his death date. He said, in so many words, that having a Superbowl party would be celebrating my LH because he loved the Vikings too. I agree. That's basically what my girls and I said. We just weren't sure if we wanted to invite family, or just friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 ...... staying with a boyfriend that is not building a loving, nurturing, caring relationship with you but instead is usually making you feel like an option instead of a priority with a few nice moments sprinkled in here and there is NOT a healthy relationship and the flush handle should be pulled. Or else it becomes harder and harder to leave the relationship. ^^well said, SW. This states so well how I feel and have been unable to say. Virgo My boyfriend is a Pats fan, it's been fun to watch the playoffs together and we've been talking about hosting a Superbowl party together. I've always loved watching pro football, it's been a great thing for us to share together even though I'm not a Pats fan! So good that NG is supportive of you and in planning a celebratory Superbowl party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Trying2breathe, my NG is a Bears fan. Poor guy. 🤣 Here's another perspective to dating. One of my girlfriends asked me if I met my LH now would I have dated him? I told her I would like to say yes, but I don't know. He honestly wouldn't have had much time to date between work and kids. What do you think? Would you date your LH/LW if you met at this point in your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jgib Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Trying2breathe, my NG is a Bears fan. Poor guy. 🤣 Here's another perspective to dating. One of my girlfriends asked me if I met my LH now would I have dated him? I told her I would like to say yes, but I don't know. He honestly wouldn't have had much time to date between work and kids. What do you think? Would you date your LH/LW if you met at this point in your life? Yes, I so would. Still found him crazy attractive and we had so many things in common. Same morals and values and his smile across the room would still make me blush after 20 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I guess maybe I'm stuck on the logistics of dating. I doubt my LH would be out anywhere we could actually meet. 😊 I'm sure that connection and physical attraction would be the same. Although, I ran into my NG at the gas station so I guess if you're meant to cross paths you will somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 I totally agree with you, StillWidowed. My point is that we each have to identify what we can work with. None of us is any one another's space to truly grasp at what level becomes 'option'. What one of us identifies as feeling like the option might not be the same for another of us. Regardless of what that point is, the individual must decide and take best next steps for self-care. I guess I didn't get that across very clearly. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillWidowed Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I absolutely agree Arneal. I'm speaking to the ones that deep down, even tho they won't admit it to themselves, know they are being jerked around. And please believe me when I say this comes from a place of love and protection. I went thru it. I was deeply hurt...on top of a big pile of pain from the loss of my husband. I don't want to see anyone hurt, but even more so, wids that have already gone thru so much, just to have their hearts broken by someone that didn't take the responsibility seriously of handling our hearts with gentleness. It just really pisses me off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 StillWidowed -- your post made me smile from ear to ear because I was thinking of my first sortie into online dating. My rose colored glasses were on tightly and I didn't realize I was being snowed. I think I didn't want to see that because I wanted to be in a loving relationship so badly. However, my researcher's nature came back online and I got myself in check. There isn't enough love in the world, after one abusive marriage and one good one, that I would put myself through too much garbage. It just took a second for my head to catch up with my desiring heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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